Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a  long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’. The following is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!)

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble?’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller:’They disappeared.’

Operator: ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing?’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller:’What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller: ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark??’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ‘

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power…. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too f — ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’.

* This was an email from my mother. Having almost been in this exact situation myself I laughed so hard while reading this I just have to share this with ya’ll. *

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail

someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never! touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Have A Great Weekend Everyone!