Friday Funnies: Wine vs. Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine (or alcohol)…and to those who don’t.

As  Ben Franklin said:
In  wine there is wisdom
in beer there is freedom,
in water there is  bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli). Also known as bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer. Or when drinking Vodka, Tequila, Rum, Whiskey, basically any other liquor, because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water =  Poop
Wine =  Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

Posted in Humor | 28 Comments

MeleVision – Pimping MY OWN Blog

As some of you already know I have another blog.

Its All About TELEVISION.

TV ~ done up Meleah Style.

Thus the name: Melevision

Anyway. I have always loved TV.

When I was a child, I used to memorize my favorite commercials. I would re-enact those commercials as plays or skits with my brother Adam for entertainment purposes when my parents had company.

Back in my twenties my friends used to call me on the phone to ask what was on TV that night worth watching. I could rattle off series, times, and channels without batting an eyelash.

I can quote – line for line – practically any long standing television show that has ever graced the screen. It’s a sickness. I know.

And now, my love for TV has evolved into my ‘professional blog’  Melevision.

This month, there are a plethora of new TV shows (including but not limited to: Lie To Me and Trust Me)  which I will be watching and reviewing on that blog. I will also be announcing Season Premiers and provide Re-caps, on some of my personal favorites such as:

Scrubs, Leverage, The Closer, House, Fringe, 30 Rock, Life On Mars, Lost, American Idol, Chuck, Law & Order, SNL, CSI, Samantha Who, Comedy Central Stand Up and Shows, VH1 Reality Series, The Mentalist, Criminal Minds, The Office, Two and A Half Men, The Soup, Chelsea Lately, just to name a few. Not to mention all the of the fabulous original series airing HBO and Showtime.

If there are any other Television Lovers out here, I would like to invite ya’ll over to join me over on Melevision. I would be very interested in hearing what any of you guys are watching, or not watching. And why.

I also run Trivia Contests complete with DVD giveaways from time to time. Rest assured when that happens I will be posting reminders on this blog so you can get in on the action.

[I am super excited about the return of American Idol next week. Last year, I was obsessed and a highly dedicated blogger to the season. I managed to covered every single episode, singer by singer. All of which I plan on doing again this year.]

So. There you have it people. Feel Free to swing over and chat TV with me. Anytime.

Posted in MeleVision, TV and Movies | 10 Comments

We Interrupt This Program…

To bring you some very important news.

My ‘Real Life Best Friend’ Leslie was just interviewed by: The PerkettPR Blog.

picture-1.png

And yeah. It is a big f*cking deal. So, I am calling on ALL of my readers and ALL of my friends to swing on over HERE and get in on the buzz.

Leslie has started her own social networking consulting company called UpTown Uncorked. The focus of her company is to ‘help people and businesses learn to navigate the waters of social media tools to build their business, promote their brand, engage the customer, and build lasting social leverage that we then help turn into real world, off line successes and sales.’

Sounds awesome right? That’s because, IT. IS.

(I get so excited when I get to brag about the people I love.)

C’mon ya’ll. Get out of here already and go! Go! Go!

Posted in Friends, Links, Other Bloggers, Technology, Writing | 19 Comments

Mooooooog35

Yeah. Um. Actually I’m not sure if that is even the right amount of ooooo‘s in his name? I’ve never bothered to count them. And I don’t really know where the 35 came from? Nor do I have any clue what the 35 may represent.

Anywho.

Today’s post has been ‘stolen’ from my favorite pornographic commentor “Moog” (for short) from the blog Mental Poo. He has made some ‘Motivational Filler Posters‘ that seriously Crack Me Up.

Take for instance this one:

* Papa Smurf RULES.

That little blue horndog. *

Or This One:

*She’s hot.

On a related note:

I enjoy lying.*

And Lastly this one:

* On a positive note…

…at least he’s not wearing his sunglasses.

(if he was wearing them, we’d have to change the title of this to “Capital Punishment: Completely warranted under certain circumstances”) *

See. I told you.

Moog = Funny.

If you’d like see all of the ‘Motivational Posters’ created by Moog, please click here. You will not be disappointed. And…I highly recommend you read his blog.

DONT BE SHY.

GO PAY HIM A VISIT.

LEAVE HIM A COMMENT.

TELL HIM I SENT YOU!

*************

As for me? Today I will be taking my father to the dentist. Obviously, he should not be driving after his surgery. Hmm. I wonder what Blog Fodder he will provide for me today? I am looking forward to yet another installment of Tales About My Father to share with ya’ll.

Posted in Humor, Links, Other Bloggers, Photos | 28 Comments

Man I Am Glad That’s Over.

To say my father’s heart surgery was a stressful event; would be the understatement of the year. (Albeit only a mere 6 days into the New Year.) But, you can say that my father’s sense of humor is what held me together.

We arrived at The Jersey Shore Hospital at 12pm. In the elevator on our way to check-in, a random lady complimented my mother’s fabulous jacket. Not two seconds after the lady exited, my father turned to me and said, “Why didn’t she say anything nice about my sweat pants?” It was at that moment, I whole-heartedly believed everything really would be okay.

[However, some lingering doubts and lightheadedness remained with me throughout the day.]

My mother and I settled into the waiting room while my father went down the hall towards pre-op. My brother Lee arrived shortly thereafter. The three of us chatted about family gossip and cracked a few jokes. Before we knew it, we were permitted visitation.

From 1pm until 3pm we joined my father in the pre-op area. My father, located in Bed 2, was now sporting a lovely paper gown, a fist full of IV’s, and white electrodes on his shoulders. To complete his outfit were blue No Slip Socks on his feet. My dad explained to us that he had to sign an actual piece of paper, a waiver of sorts, promising he would not remove the ‘No Slip Socks’ under any circumstances. Being an insurance agent aficionado, he imagined (out loud) all of the hypothetical claims that could arise in the event the ‘No Slip Socks’ had gone awry.

And then, without skipping a beat, my father shifted all of his concern towards my brother Lee.

Why don’t you take a nap? You’re sick. You drove three hours to get here and you have a long drive home. Really, go lay down. You look tired.”

Lee replied, “Um. Nah. I am fine. Lets worry about YOU.”

The Doctor/Surgeon came into the room and explained the procedure my father was about to undergo. The Doctor/Surgeon did not pepper the conversation with excessive medical jargon. He also appeared to be quite confident which left us feeling reassured.

At 3pm, it was time. My father was going into surgery. We took turns kissing him goodbye, and just like that he was off.

We headed back to the ‘Waiting Area’ where we were greeted by long time family friends, Ronnie and Stuie. (They are awesome.)

Knowing that my mother and Lee were occupied, distracted, and entertained with The Company, I immediately attempted to access The Internet.

Of course the hospital had Wi-Fi, but this was like no other Wi-Fi I had ever encountered. It was like the worlds biggest Internet Tease. I could get only get onto AOL. (Who even uses AOL anymore?) Any attempt to access Facebook, Twitter, This Blog, or any other form of communication, all I would receive was this error message:

Websense Enterprise:
Access to this web page is restricted at this time.
Reason:
Your policy filters category “Social Networking and Personal Sites” at all times.

Great.  Why?

According to my RLBFF Leslie, that was because “Social Networking and Personal Sites” use a “CrapTon” of bandwidth costing the hospital more money.

[Seriously, CrapTon? I love that word.]

For the next hour and a half, time stood still. Every minuet felt like an hour. Every second seemed to last longer than the one before. We each took turns silently peering at our cell phones and checking the time as if we weren’t watching the clock. In reality, I was waiting for the appropriate amount of time to pass to show cause for concern.

To stop myself from traveling down the road of “What If’s” I was lucky enough to be able to ‘Instant Message’ and ‘Incessantly Text Message’ my ‘RLBFF Leslie’ and a few other of my closest friends. But that did not make the time move any faster.

Just when I couldn’t stand it for one more second, the Doctor/Surgeon appeared bearing Good News. The procedure was a success. There were no complications. In fact, his heart only had a 50% blockage, not 70% as previously speculated. Thus, they did not need to give my father a stent. He would be going to the recovery area shortly.

Of course as soon as I ducted out for a smoke break my father wheeled past my family. The first words he said to Lee were, “Did you get to take a nap.” That’s my daddy. Forever concerned about everyone else’s well-being.

When I walked into the recovery area, much to my surprise and utter joy, my father looked great. He didn’t look like anything happened. Even his blood pressure was the lowest it has ever been.

It wasn’t long before my father was back to smiling, laughing, posing for the camera, and placing electrodes all over his face. My father even managed to pull off an ‘Uncle Rick’ photo challenge when he stood in this position.

We were cleared to leave the hospital by 7:06pm.

I can breathe again.

[[*Complete Set Of Photos On Flickr Are HERE*]]

I want to thank every single one of you for all of your thoughts, prayers and good vibes. I know that contributed to the enormous success of my father’s surgery. I don’t know what I would have done without all of your support. It’s times like this when I truly appreciate the blog family I have come to know and love over these last two years. Thank you.

Posted in Drama Drama, Family, Life, Links, Strong Medicine | 71 Comments

My Father Is In Surgery

As most of you already know, today my father is undergoing heart surgery. In fact, while you are reading this, I will be in the hospital, sitting bedside, and praying incessantly with my mother.

(Without any internet access. And just when I need all of your comments the most.)

For weeks after learning about my fathers heart condition, I’ve been walking around as if everything is normal. I’ve been telling myself this surgery was nothing more than a standard procedure. I’ve been telling myself this surgery was nothing to be concerned about. I’ve been convincing myself nothing could or would go wrong.  I told myself over and again that my father is an active man who also eats well, therefore I could let go of any and all apprehension. And that worked for me. I believed this surgery was nothing more than preventative measures. I began to think this surgery was going to ensure an even longer life for my beloved Dad.

Until I closed my eyes last night.

For the first night since I met “The New Man” I did not sleep over his house. As I laid in his bed, tucked in blissful warmth and snuggled in the glory of new found love, everything surrounding my fathers surgery hit me. At Once.

For a split second I thought: WHAT IF EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY?!  What IF something really bad happens?! What IF something does go wrong?! I have waited My Whole Entire Life to HAVE a DADDY like this. I only *got him* when I turned 17 years old. I am not ready to *let go* of him.

And…WHAT IF…

[Insert every conceivable worst case scenario. Then multiply that by a trillion.]

Needless to say, I left “The New Man‘s” house. In the middle of the night. I raced (all of three feet) back to my own home. Thankfully my parents were still awake when I arrived, because jumping into bed with them probably would have been awkward. Anyway. As I flung open the front door, my parents were startled. They thought I had a fight with my New Man. But, of course that was not the case.

I came home because I HAD TO hug my father. I had to tell him how much I loved him. I had to tell him how much he means to me, how important he is to me, and how shitty my life would be without him. As the tears streamed uncontrollably from my eyes, I hugged my father harder than I had ever hugged him before.

And then we all broke down sobbing.

When I woke up this morning, I tried to put on my best Game Face. I usually have the ability to detach myself from any immediate crises, in order stay strong and assume the role of The Rock. I’ve always been able to hold it together in situations like this. However, I am having a hard time swallowing these enormous pangs of anxiety. I am sitting here with so many emotions racing through my heart and one too many thoughts spinning in my head. But, right now, I am unable to articulate them properly. Alas, I will not allow myself to fall apart (again) or express any such emotion (again) until the surgery is over. When I know its safe to feel again.

In the meantime, I am counting on all of you to: say a prayer, send good vibes, and think well wishes. Okay?

I promise to update as soon as possible.

Posted in Drama Drama, Family, Strong Medicine | 42 Comments

Hello Internet!

Yes, I am back. And I have missed every single one of you. Thank you for all of your comments, emails, and well wishes for a wonderful New Year. You guys are The Best.

So where have I been and why haven’t I been online? Well, I have been all too consumed with excessive worry. Yet, I have also been pleasantly distracted with The New Man.

The Bad News First.

I am officially unemployed as of today. I have been racking my brain for ideas as what to do with The Rest Of My Life. Which has made me feel: anxious, free, and buried alive, all at the same time. I am confused and fearful. I know that after the last six years dedicated to the insurance industry, I am not an office person. I do not fit the worker-bee mold, nor do I want to. I know who I am and I know who I want to be, but I don’t know how to get there. So, if any of you have any ideas for me, please leave them in the comments section of this post or shoot me an email!

I have also been quietly freaking out about my father. A few weeks ago they discovered blockage in my father’s heart. He is scheduled for surgery on January 5th. While I am fully aware this is a standard procedure, I cannot help from feeling scared. My father is the center of my universe. Without him I wouldn’t even have a relationship with my mother, let alone the family I have been blessed with. If anything ever happened to my daddy? Life as I know it would cease to exist. Therefore, I am riddled with concern. I am going to ask all of you to please say a prayer on January 5th for My Daddy.

The Good News.

I am officially ‘In A Relationship’. I have moved up and into the coveted ‘girlfriend’ status. After spending nearly Every Single Night together for a Month In A Row, we have crossed the line of just merely dating. And I could not be happier. I have certainly paid my dues for the last however many years I’ve been trapped in dating hell. I am no longer held prisoner to the misery of single life isolation. The Perfect Man has fallen out of the sky and into my lap, and I am not letting go!

And, that about wraps it all up people.

I have very high hopes this year will be a good year for me. I mean, anything would be better than 2008.

Posted in Dating, Drama Drama, Family, Life, Links, Work, Writing | 47 Comments

Happy New Year Everyone!

Posted in Holidays | 32 Comments

2008 Year In Review Compliments of JibJab

If you want to watch the madness of last year (from the financial crisis, to the Presidential election, to Elliot Spitzer, and Miley Cyrus) and then thank your lucky stars the year is over?

You can view The 2008 Year In Review by clicking HERE.

Posted in Humor, Videos | 13 Comments

Happy Holidays

This blog will be closed until after the New Year. Happy Holidays!

Posted in Holidays | 30 Comments