Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

Okay, Um. I am not normally a superstitious person whatsoever. However, in light of some recent events, I just may have to attribute my new-found-good-luck to the mysterious power of Red Nail Polish.

Let me explain.

On what seemed like the never-ending quest to restore my creativity, due to my ‘so-called-writers-block’ episode, I was so desperate to find my words, I would have tried anything.

I took a short walk around my neighborhood, but when I realized I don’t have any stamina or the capacity for exercising, I decided I was better off taking long drive. I thought some fresh air might do me some good. And by ‘Fresh Air’ I mean I stared out my bedroom window watching the pouring rain, for seven days in a row, while chain-smoking Newport 100 cigarettes. When that didn’t work, I visited my friends over at my local Country Club. I devoured gallons of coffee flavored ice cream. I cried. I yelled. I screamed. I slept. I read a book. I watched TV. I deleted and entire chapter and started from scratch. I stood on my head. I even started blaming my beloved uniform for my sudden lack of words.

Sadly, after seven days nothing worked. Every time I looked at a blank word document on my computer, I felt absolutely defeated.

I was so frustrated and just about ready to set my hair on fire when I remembered the last time I wrote something that I deemed worthy – I was wearing Red Nail Polish.

I thought to myself, ‘Well, my nails could use a manicure anyway, why not use the same Red Nail Polish I wore two weeks ago when I was able to write two whole chapters?’

With that, I painted both my feet and my fingers to match. And then, a bunch of things happened in my life, which have nothing to do with writing at all!

After my nails were dry, I climbed into my bed fully prepared to deal with the customary ‘Hunting For Something Good To Watch On Television.’ Normally, it’s pretty slim pickings at 3am. Much to my surprise, as soon as I turned on my TV I was greeted with the familiar “dramatic” sound that plays at the beginning of the Law and Order. [*Gung-Gung*] A three-hour marathon had just begun!

I thought to myself, ‘Ha. That’s funny. I just painted my nails and things are already looking up.’ I went to bed without thinking anything else about the Red Nail Polish.

The following day, my mother had to go the hospital because she needed a specific test in order to find out why she keeps having all these bladder infections.

[Side bar: Sorry mom, I hate to break it to you, but your secret(s) will never be safe. Especially when you live with someone who is forever searching for material to write about, and the same someone who has a blog.]

My mother had to undergo what’s called a “cystoscopy”. It’s kind of like a “colonoscopy” except, that it’s completely different. [For more information on that subject, Google it. Or not.]

Since this procedure requires anesthesia, someone also know as the currently unemployed writer (namely me) had to drive her to and from the Care Center.

Unfortunately, I had to travel on that whore of a highway. Fortunately, I only have to enter the combat zone and battle with her occasionally. Luckily, the NJTPK was quite forgiving. There was little to no traffic.

I thought to myself, ‘Gee, this is weird. I can’t believe there is no traffic.’ Then I laughed to myself and thought, ‘Maybe it’s the Red Nail Polish.’

As we approached the hospital, I was positive I would have to play the game ‘Where The Hell Am I Going To Find A Parking Space In New Brunswick?’ Followed by the game called ‘Parallel Parking.’ And typically, I lose, badly, while playing both of those games.

I was pleasantly surprised when my mother told me her procedure not only us granted us access to the Care Center parking deck, but, we were also eligible for the Free Parking.

I thought, ‘Wait a second. Did this ‘Red Nail Polish’ just save me from having to circle the block a million times and a few dollars?’

Of course, I was dreading sitting in The Waiting Room. Usually, when I am subject to waiting in any sort of Hospital Area, I end up getting stuck seated next to a crazy person.

[Side bar: Why is it that people think just because we are sitting next to each other, we should become best friends for the day?]

I was certain that I would have to spend my time in the waiting area, avoiding eye contact with others, bored out of my mind, reading countless magazines filled with useless celebrity gossip that is at least, ten years old.

But, low and behold, The Waiting Room was practically empty. And not only did they have free Internet access, but I was able to hijack a coffee table, which easily converted into my own personal desk! My ‘Home Office’ provided hours of entertainment while I happily waited for my mothers tests to be completed.

I thought, ‘Okay, this is getting spooky. Everything in my life seems to be working out great, ever since I put on this Red Nail Polish!

My mother’s tests were successful and we were released from the hospital quickly.

On the drive home we were blessed with yet another easy commute. There was little to no traffic to deal with. I was never stuck behind a Middle Lane Mother F*cker (MLMF) and I was never forced to take the shoulder.

That evening, I shared a lovely meal with my family before watching the one-hour season finale of my favorite TV Show Scrubs.

Before falling asleep I thought to myself, ‘Hmm…I wonder what tomorrow will bring?’

Miraculously, the next day, two more glorious events occurred.

First:

After what seemed like an eternity without medical coverage, my brand new and much needed Health Benefits arrived in the mail!

I thought, ‘Okay. I’ve been waiting forever for these benefits to kick in, with no such luck. I am definitely giving my Red Nail Polish the credit for this one.’

On some of the paper work included in the large envelope, I was given an 800 number to call in order for me to pick my Primary Care Provider.

I was positive there was no way I would be able to find a PCP that I love as much as I loved my last doctor. But, after only twenty minutes on hold, I discovered that I am able to KEEP my favorite doctor and my son’s pediatrician.

When I hung up the phone I shouted, ‘Thank you Red Nail Polish!’

Second:

I have been dying to get a haircut for weeks, however scheduling and personal issues prevented that from happening.

Out of the blue, I received a message from the totally-super-fabulous-master-colorist also known as my friend Tiffany. After we spoke on the phone she told me that she had an opening at her salon. Needless to say, I jumped all over that window of opportunity.

But, I am thanking HER not just the Red Nail Polish for ‘The Best Hair Cut Of My Life.’

On a totally unrelated note, I recently learned that “Pulling Your Hair Back Into A Pony Tail IS NOT The Same Thing As Taking A Shower.”

I discovered this ‘vital piece of information’ when I was given the MOTHER OF THE YEAR AWARD by my fantastic brother Adam.

I feel as if I have no choice, or rational explanation, as to the sudden and awesome series of events that have recently occurred in my life other than the Red Nail Polish.

I am led to believe the Red Nail Polish has also LIFTED my ‘writer’s block’ situation. Because I was able to write a total of 1389 words – in this post alone. And I even think this post may be halfway decent.

Now, if I am able to get that ‘Chapter Nine’ finished already, I may never take this Red Nail Polish off my fingers!

And, lastly, I would like to extend an early “HAPPY MOTHERS DAY” to every Mother On The Planet. I hope that everyone has a great weekend.