Momma Mia, Mea Culpa | Too Lazy to Hide the Crazy

My 13 Year Old Son And A Text Message

Posted on July 25, 2009 by Meleah

My 13 Year Old Son [commonly referred to on this blog as JCH otherwise known as Who-Steen] will never cease to amaze me.

While he has been executing stereotypical teenager behavior as of late [complete with *eye rolls* and *heavy sighs*] I have to admit, I’ve been quite lucky. He really doesn’t talk back, he basically follows the rules, and he doesn’t ask for very much.

Of course there are moments [few and far between] when we have our problems. But every now and then, he will do something so unexpectedly kind, it simply melts my heart.

Last weekend, while visiting his father, my son sent me a Text Message, just like he always does – whenever he is away from home. Only this particular Text Message, was different from all the other Text Messages he normally sends.

May I present to you, The Best Text Message Of All Time:

jch-text-jpeg

And yanno what?

He wasn’t even trying to butter me up, or get out of trouble.

He sent it just because he wanted to!

Posted in Family, JCH quotes, Photos | 27 Comments

My Niece Zaibryn [Zee-boo]

Posted on July 24, 2009 by Meleah

Ah yes,

My Niece Zaibryn Has NO FEAR!

Her parents [My Brother Lee and My Sister In Law Maya] sure do have their hands full with this one. [Ze-boo is one of their beautiful children and she is definitely the wildest of the three!]

Mind you, she is less than two years old, and did THIS [see video] ‘Swimming Maneuver‘ all day long!

Posted in Family, Humor, Videos | 13 Comments

My Nephew, Has Recently Become Obsessed With The Movie: ‘The Wizard Of Oz’.

Posted on July 18, 2009 by Meleah

Watch as my brother Adam, attempts to hold a ‘Conversation’ with his less than two-year-old son, about the movie.

Please keep in mind, my nephew truly believes the Wicked Witch ‘Melted’ because she was ‘Hot’ [which he expresses complete with hand gestures].

I also absolutely LOVE his use of ‘sign language’ for the word “more” and I seriously considered kidnapping my own nephew. I can’t handle the cuteness.

Oh, and, my nephew is still pretty unsure about where his knees and elbows are located on his body.

Enjoy!

Posted in Family, Humor, Videos | 30 Comments

A ‘Gift’: From Me, To You!

Posted on July 18, 2009 by Meleah

[That is, if you consider absurdly lengthy ‘Titles’ as gifts!]

In lieu of last week’s post, wherein I explained my latest obsession creating ‘Titles’ for the people in my life, a few of my lovely readers requested their own personalized ‘Titles.’ And I simply could not resist!

I am proud to present the following:

#1) A Girl Meleah Thinks Would Be An Amazing Writer If Only She Had More Time, That Goes By The Name Silverneurotic, And Posts On The Blog: The Quarter Life Chronicles Who Needs To Hurry Up And Fill Out Her College Application, Who May Or May Not Like Her Roommate From Time To Time, But Definitely Does Not Like Her Current Employment Situation, Because She Is The Only Person At Her Job Who Is Capable [And Qualified] To Change The Toner In The Printer, Who Is Smitten With Her New Kitten ‘Princess’ [Even Though She Is Really A Dog Person, In Fact, According To Her Facebook Page She Pledges Her Allegiance To Her Dog, Sadly, That Very Dog, No Longer Resides With Her] Who Recently Celebrated Her Birthday, Who Loves Coffee And Bookstores, Who’s Favorite Word is Adversary, That Loathes Doing The Laundry, But Has Finally Solved The Sock Mystery, Who Is A Newly Converted NPR Addict, Who’s Religious Views Are Decidingly Undecided, Who Is Not A Fan Of Housekeeping, And Was Recently Amazed At The Size Of The Campus At Rutgers University. Otherwise known as Nikole.

#2) A Woman Who Reminds Meleah To Be Thankful For All The Simple Things, With Her ‘Life Is Good’ Posts On The Blog: Terri Terti Quite Contrary [Which Was Once Hacked] That May Or May Not Become The Next Chiquita Banana Spokeswoman, And That May or May Not Get A Tattoo To Lift Her ‘Sweet And Innocent’ Label [But Was Really Only Kidding When She Said She Was Going To Get A Tattoo, And Had To Revise Her Post For The Concerned Readers Of Her Blog.] Who Is An Avid Bowler, And Runs Like The Wind, Who Really Hates Spiders, And Gets Overly Excited About New Appliances, An Amazing Mother Of Three Children, Who Is Addicted To Girl Scout Cookies, That Often Wonders If Going To Bed At 7pm Is Too Early, Who Sometimes Pretends To Be A Computer Genius [Mainly Because Her Friend Thinks She Is], Who Is Not A Fan Of The Winter [Or Riding Around In A Boat In The Dark] But Is A Fan Of The Summer Wherein She Can Be Found At The Ball Fields, Lounging In A Canvas Chair, Soaking Up Sunshine And Cheering From The Sidelines, Who Loves Victoria Secret Pajamas And Sweats, But Does Not Understand Why They Make An Entire Line Of Perfume Bottles That All Look The Same, Who Can Blog And Chew Gum At The Same Time And Has The ‘Video Evidence’ To Prove It, And Is Still Unsure About How To Handle And Panhandler. Otherwise Know As Terri.

#3) A Woman Who’s Hockey Obsession Stretches Far Beyond Unhealthy, And Lives For The Red-Wings, And Has A Totally Super Inappropriate Crush On A Particular Hockey Player That Happens To Be Younger Than Her Youngest Child [Who She Often Refers To As Her ‘Baby Boy’ – The Hockey Player, Not Her Child.] And Suffers Serious Hockey Withdrawls During The ‘Off Season’ And Literally Counts The Days Until The New Season Starts, Who Answers To The Initials CMK, And Writes The Blog: Out Of My Mind, Which Include The Funniest ‘Police Logs’ In The History Of The World, Who Is Positive She Would Get A Divorce If They Ever Tried To Build A House, And If She Ever Moved Would Take Her Toilet Bowl With Her, Who Is Not A Big Fan Of ‘Hall And Oats’ Unless They Are Coupled With A ‘Keyboard Cat,’ And Could Only Handle Watching Five Minutes Of Jon & Kate, Who Has Issues With Chipmunks, And Loves The Show Eureka On The Sci-fi Channel Because It’s Smart And Funny Made For Geeks And Non-Geeks Alike, Who Prefers Toaster Strudel Over Pop-Tarts, Who Enjoys The Security Of Onstar, And Has A Crush On Michael Westen. Otherwise Know As Christine.

And Lastly, having massive amounts of material to work with, I bring to you:

#4) A Man, Meleah Considers To Be A Close Personal Friend, That Lives For All Things Cheese, Bacon And Deep Fried, Who Should Be The Next Head Writer For SNL, That Sporadically Updates His Blog: The Wonderful World Of Nothing Worthwhile, But Incessantly Updates His Facebook Status So Much – That He Had Both Of His Profile Page(s) Deleted [Twice]. Who Has A Knack For Writing Poems Dedicated To Fabulous Game Shows Like ‘Match Game PM’, And Who Often Embraces His Own Geekness When Posting Donny And Marie Star Wars Clips, That Developed A Stutter After Watching One Too Many Jimmy Stewart Movies, And Loves Barry Manilow So Very Much, That He Is In Fact A Fan-ilow, And, Has Been Caught Listening To The Carpenters [On More Than One Occasion] Is The Original Inventor Of Asking Yourself ‘What Would William Shatner Do?’ Before Making Important Decisions, May Have An Unhealthy Obsession With Tina Fey, And A Penchant For Watching NASCAR, That Loves To Frequent Disneyland [While Wearing A Tshirt With ‘Dunder Mifflin’ Written Across His Chest] With His Twin Girls That May Or May Not Answer To The Names Lucy & Ethel, Who Idolizes David Letterman [And Rightfully So], And Has Been Known To Sing Christmas Carols In The Middle Of The Summer [While Drinking Eggnog] Who Loves Christopher Walken And Thinks Everyone Needs More Cow Bell, That Underwent Heart Surgery In 2005 And Can Hear His Own Heart Ticking As Opposed To Beating, Who Will Never Grow Tired Of Watching ’30 Rock’ or ‘The Office’, That Is A Fan Of ‘Questionable Holidays’, That Used To Record Podcasts, Who Is Expecting A New Daughter To Arrive Any Day Now, That Can [And Will] Work ‘That’s What She Said’ Into Any Conversation, That Own His Own Leg-Lamp From The Movie ‘A Christmas Story’, That Has An Extensive Collection Of Pez Dispensers, That Shares The Same Birthday As My Father, Who Will Answer To The Name Chris Michaelman [Even Though That’s Not His Name]. Otherwise Known As Michael.

I hope ya’ll enjoyed them as much as I liked making them for you!

Posted in Friends, Humor, Links, Other Bloggers | 32 Comments

Facebook Status Updates That Could Have Been, All Things Clean, And Very Lengthy ‘Titles’ As Opposed To Nicknames.

Posted on July 11, 2009 by Meleah

Meleah is writing this blog post in the third person, because it’s easier for her to make fun of her self [and light of any situation] when she refers to herself in the third person. Especially when she is delirious from total exhaustion.

[Sorry, Moog35.]

This week’s ‘Cleaning Extravaganza’ provided what could have been, most excellent ‘Facebook Status Updates’. However, Meleah was recently warned by The Facebook Gestapo. [Again.] Apparently, Meleah needs to work on “her thumbs up appropriateness factor” and may have received that warning because “she got carried away with liking“. But nobody really knows why this keeps happening, because she cannot get a straight answer from anyone employed by Facebook.

Since Meleah did not want to have her account disabled [again] and since her cell phone is a total piece of shit lacking any Internet Capabilities, it was impossible to Update her Status. Thus, she refrained from posting anything on Facebook for several days. [In.A.Row.] She even held back from posting any updates on her ‘Twin Sister’s’ page: Mia Rebecca Baldwin.

[In good news, Meleah’s temporary ban from socially interacting, has already been lifted.]

That being said, Meleah would like to share with ya’ll the ‘Facebook Status Updates, That Could Have Been, But Sadly – Never Made It To The Internet.

Until. Now.

1. Meleah and Nightingale are lost again. What…A Surprise.

2. Meleah is working so hard cleaning; she is sweating like Patrick Ewing in the 4th quarter.

3. Meleah thinks that if vacuuming were an Olympic Sport, she would have won the Gold Medal after flawlessly removing all the debris from more than one million square feet of carpet combined.

4. Meleah had no idea she possessed such grace and dexterity in her left hand, until after she became an Olympic Gold Medalists in the extreme sport of vacuuming.

5. Meleah has decided that wiping down the equipment located within the gyms [inside of the country clubs she cleaned] is more than enough exercise anyone could ever possibly need.

6. Meleah just might start speaking fluent Spanish.

7. Meleah realized she desperately needs a new pair of sneakers, when she awoke suffering from a painful case of shin splits, after her second full day of laborious cleaning wherein she scoured two town houses [three stories high, complete with an elevator inside the individual unit] and three model homes. And, all before 11:00am. On a Saturday.

8. Meleah thinks that cleaning 9,000 square feet is a whole lot of fucking cleaning prior to noon, on any given day, not just on Saturday’s.

9. Meleah had to ‘cross the line’ when an elderly sales lady tried to convince her to stop smoking. When the elderly sales lady overheard Meleah panting like a rabid dog while mopping 1686372.8 square feet of hardwood flooring, she tried suggesting Meleah should give up her cigarettes and take Chantix. Meleah, having no time for chitchat, loaded her reply with shock value and said with a straight face, “Oh no thank you. I tried that once. And five weeks later? I almost committed suicide.” Meleah is pretty sure that elderly sales woman won’t be asking her to quit smoking any time in the near future.

10. Meleah thinks that working two days in a row, is two days in a row – too many.

11. Meleah is seriously considering spending all of her money on a therapeutic deep tissue massage.

Okay, that’s about all the ‘Facebook Status Updates’ Meleah would have posted if she had internet access, and if she was not on whatever ‘Facebook Watch List’ that constantly warns her, she may be ‘Abusing Facebook’ and/or ‘Annoying Others’.

On to the next topic.

Meleah has developed a new habit for creating ‘titles’ for the people in her life, because nicknames just aren’t good enough for her.

As such, Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] felt slighted and cheated when Meleah invented this title:

‘The New Girl’, Amanda The Bartender In Training [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card].

Because as far as Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] is concerned, the LONGER a persons the title, the BETTER.

Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] became noticeably upset when she compared her name/title to this person:

Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].

Therefore, Meleah went ahead and revised Amy’s title. [Several times until it was just right.] Meleah is proud to present:

Amy The Bartender, Who Plays Tennis – But Is Not Ranked, And Who Incessantly Checked Her Reflection In The Windows Of Other People’s Cars [While Standing In The Middle Of A Crime Scene] To Make Sure Her Hair Remained Pin Straight, In The Humidity, At Two In The Morning, And While Seated Curbside – Counting Out Her Tips, [In The Dark] To Pay For The Tow Truck, After Spending Money On A Specific Keratin Treatment – That Promised To Deliver The Aforementioned Hair Follicle Wonders. And Was Pleasantly Surprised When Those Said Products ‘Lived Up’ To Her Expectations. [Otherwise Known As: Amy, ‘The Accident Victim’ (Lakewood, 06/25/09) That Was Granted Permission To Call ‘Officer Novack’ Simply, John.] Who Also Miraculously Survived A Horrifying Car Ride, Wherein She Was So Desperate To Escape, She Actually Contemplated Jumping Out Of The Vehicle And Implementing The ‘Tuck And Roll Method’ Who May Or May Not Have Looked Like A Petrified Female Version Of ‘The Terminator’ During Said Horrifying Car Ride, Due In Part To Wearing Prescription Sunglasses -Well After The Sun Had Set.

Of course, Amy The Bartender was very pleased with the result and her newest and ‘title’. And, much to Meleah’s surprise, Amy The Bartender, decided to return the favor.

Meleah would like to share with you, the longest ‘Title’ ever created by: Amy The Bartender, And, Amanda In Training:

Amy The Bartender And Amanda In Training, Have A Favorite Customer; A Girl Who Considers The Bar At KHCC To Be Her Office, Who Sits In The Same Barstool Every Day With Her Mac Computer, And Is Referred To As ‘Mac-Girl’ or ‘Apple-Girl’ By Various Customers, Who Loves Her Mac So Much That She Actually Made A Short Movie About Her Love Affair With Her Computer, Who Considers Herself An Olympic Gold Medalist In The Extreme Sport Of Vacuuming, Who May or May Not Answer To The Name Sophia, Who Really Ate Two Cheeseburgers From KHCC [And A Peach Cobbler Dessert Compliments Of The Chef] Who Had A Severe Panic Attack Driving Over The Goethals Bridge [Twice] Who Was Not Named After Anyone, Who Would Be Friends With Herself If She Was Another Person, Who May or May Not Order The Rosetta Stone Program To Learn Spanish, Who Wears Pajamas In Public, Who Is A Fan Of Chelsea Handler, Who Prefers Pink Over Red, Who Has A ‘Twin Sister’ Mia, Who Prefers The Rolling Stones Over The Beatles, Who Sweats Profusely [Rather Than Perspire] Who Uses Hot Rollers Over A Curling Iron, Who Was Removed From Facebook For Abusing Her Privileges [And Possibly Offending Other People] Who Has Several Health Problems Including Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, And L.A.S., And Presently Suffers From The Need To Frequently Urinate [Which She Contracted From Amy The Bartender] And Who May Be Ambidextrous, Who Has A Crush On A Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom] – Otherwise Simply Known As ‘Meleah’.

What…An Amazingly Long [and funny] Title.

Let’s try saying that three times fast. Yes?

Meleah was very flattered and laughed [until her face fell off] when she read the two notebook pages that were filled with the handwritten words of her new title. Of course, Meleah will be not be using that title to sign any important or legal documents.

This concludes Meleah’s blog post for the week.

But, she is still trying to work out the blog post which will be titled: ‘A Meaningless Blind Date With Someone Who May Or May Not Be In The Witness Protection Program, Tiny Bladder Syndrome Verses Leaky Ass Syndrome And How Spending Too Much Time With The Same Person May Lead To Transference Of Syndromes. And, How To Spend The Fourth Of July – In The Emergency Room -Twice.‘ [Just as soon as she finds the free time to write it!]

Oh!

Snap!

One last thing…

For those of you who have been inquiring, Meleah is dedicated to writing Chapter 14 in her book, over the course of this week.

Posted in Apple, Friends, Humor, KHCC, Life, Links, Off The Pole, Other Bloggers, Photos, Technology, Videos, Work, Writing | 64 Comments

Why I Hate Popcorn, Wherein I Am Disgusting, Free Dessert, All Things Clean, And, Another Lesson In Spanish

Posted on July 6, 2009 by Meleah

Even after all that I experienced last week, I decided to go ahead and be brave. I agreed to yet another ‘favor’ that involved cleaning for Nightingale. However, this time around, I was wise enough to implement a few of my own terms and conditions.

Aside from getting up in the morning at a more reasonable hour, my other ‘condition’ was that I could not be held responsible for driving anyone.

Thankfully, Nightingale had previously made arrangements with Rommie and Claudia with respects to transportation. And, I would not have to confront that perpetual case of gephyrophobia.

[Thank you Agg79 for proving me with the proper Medical Terminology.]

Anyway. Like I was saying, I left my house at 8am, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited over the prospect that four girls would be cleaning together, complete with a Spanish to English translator. Thankfully, Nightingale is fluently bi-lingual and she would be joining us for the duration of the day.

The first stop on the cleaning list was none other than the Country Club located within my own complex. Also known as KHCC. Ah yes, KHCC is my home away from home and my secondary sanctuary. It was the first time in the history of the world that I arrived in the building before Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked].

I walked through the doors with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. I was actually looking forward to cleaning the very place I spend so much time creating sentences.

As I greeted Nightingale, Claudia, and good ole’ Rommie, I was nominated ‘Deputy Of Vacuuming’ all 6,000 square feet that is the golf club embroidered carpeting.

Armed with an orange colored industrial sized vacuum, I took charge of the clubhouse.

And that’s when I ran into my first issue.

Popcorn.

And. Lots of it.

Everywhere.

In. Every Corner.

In. Every. Crevice.

And, in every square inch of space, underneath the bar.

Let me tell you a few secrets about popcorn.

First of all, popcorn is painful. Any kernels on the floor will refuse to get sucked up by the vacuum cleaner. Instead, these tiny yellow balls will ricochet from the machine, and much like the pellets from a BB-Gun, shoot whatever bare skin is exposed until you are covered in welts.

Secondly, popcorn is highly aerodynamic. That stuff is so light and fluffy it can sail through the atmosphere, at incredible speeds. Especially, when someone tries to remove it. Whatever popcorn was not picked up by the vacuum cleaner on the first pass? Will fly wildly out of control, until landing directly right back on the carpet that was already vacuumed.

Lastly, popcorn is sneaky. Just when you think it’s all gone, you will discover minuscule pieces were hiding in the treads of your sneakers. And apparently, that’s where they multiply. As they escape from the soles of your shoes, they will deposit white speckles everywhere you vacuumed beforehand.

Seriously. Popcorn is the herpes of all snack foods. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

How do I know all of this?

Because that is exactly what happened to me as I tried to confine, contain, and eliminate the popcorn from the floors of KHCC. I could have lost an eye people. I could have lost an eye. I will never be able to look at popcorn the same. I hate popcorn.

While I am glad the members of KHCC enjoy free baskets of buttery salty goodness, I really wouldn’t mind if the popcorn machine suddenly, and mysteriously, broke down and was rendered useless. I would sincerely appreciate it if they would stop serving that shit. Immediately.

Halfway through cleaning the banquet hall, I could feel the all too familiar cramps in my side. I knew another ‘issue’ was brewing in my stomach. It was only a matter of time before I would have a full-fledged ‘situation’ to contend with.

Yeah. Um.

Ya’ll remember when this happened?

Well…THAT happened.

Again.

[*Minus the ocean-water-rotting-kelp-flavored-all-natural-supplement.]

I was trapped within the confines of the freshly cleaned bathroom facilities, for at least twenty minutes. One full roll of toilet paper later, I was thankful my incident occurred so close to home.

After I made it out of the bathroom alive, and sweating so badly I looked like I had just come off a ride at the Water Park, I was immediately STARVING. I felt hollow inside. I suppose losing ten pounds in a matter of minutes leaves your intestinal track and stomach completely vacant. Yet, I couldn’t eat, knowing that I had a full day’s work ahead of me.

In the interest of keeping this blog post shorter, I will now only provide the highlights of the rest of my day.

1. For those of you who were concerned, Rommie DID in fact get to eat this time.

2. Speaking of Rommie, I discovered she had been trying to communicate with me for quite some time. Aside from the language barrier, there was just one more problem causing a world of difficulty when she tried talking to me. Rommie thought I was a bitch. Not because we couldn’t listen to music, and not because I refused to stop for food, but because she thought I was ignoring her.

And here’s why.

Rommie had been calling out ‘my name’ and I wouldn’t respond to her. Rommie didn’t understand why I wouldn’t even look at her when she said ‘my name’.

It wasn’t until Nightingale sounded out ‘Meleah’ phonetically ‘Ma-Lee-Yah’ that Rommie realized I had NOT been ignoring her. I just didn’t reply because I had no idea she was even talking to me.

Apparently, for two weeks, Rommie thought my name was Sophia.

3. Later that day, I became a member of the ‘We’re The Fagg-Ah-Wee Tribe’. Otherwise known as the ‘Where The Fuck Are We Tribe.’ After we got lost. Twice.

4. While single handedly mopping 2,500 square feet of hardwood floors and panting like a rabid dog, the sales lady over heard my gasps for air. With concern in her voice she asked, “Are you okay?” I quickly said, “Yep.” Then she asked, “Are you a smoker?” To which I replied, “Yes. Ever since I was 12 years old. Nothing to worry about over here, I always breathe like this.” [insert asthmatic sounds]

5. Over the course of yet another excruciating twelve-hour day, I learned a few Spanish phrases.

Mucho Trabaho = A lot of work. [which is exactly what I did all day long.]

And

Uno Mas = One More. [As in we have one more unit to clean even though we all wanted to die.]

And can I tell you? I am not a fan of hearing ‘Uno Mas.’ Especially when I thought we were done for the day.

Even if ‘Uno Mas’ was ‘De Pequeño Tamaño’= small in size.

——————————————————————————-

Considering I barely had the energy or stamina left in me to cook a meal, and since I was absolutely famished, when my day finally came to an end? I headed directly back to KHCC.

Much To My Dismay, upon arriving, what did I see?

Popcorn.

All. Over. The. Floors.

Again.

Mother. Fucker.

It was as if I had never even cleaned the place. I will now and forever cringe at the sight of anyone eating another free basket of popcorn.

As I settled in my reserved spot, I was greeted by my favorite person ‘Amy The Bartender’ [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] who was very busy teaching ‘The New Girl’ how to tend bar for the first time in her life.

We will be calling ‘The New Girl’, ‘Amanda The Bartender In Training’ [Who Paid Thirty-Five Dollars For A Bagel, Because She Did Not Understand ‘Over Draft Charges’ On Her Father’s Debit Card].

amy-and-amanda

Before ordering everything on ‘The Left Side Of The Menu’, I shared laughs and iced teas with a “Totally Super Hot Guy, That Could Be A Member Of Law Enforcement [Via Haircut] Who Dresses Really Well, And Was Hit In The Head By A Rain Drop – That May Or May Not Have Caused A Concussion, And Thinks Meleah Is Really Funny, But Sadly, Already Has A Girlfriend And Is In A Committed Relationship [Otherwise Known As Tom].”

Now, when I told you I was STARVING, I was not kidding. And although I did not really order everything on The Left Side Of The Menu, I did eat more food than anyone thought humanly possible.

Here let me show you….

Burger Number One:

burger-1

And

Burger Number Two:

burger-2

And after I managed to consume all of that?

I was still hungry!

I craved something sweet. I just had to order myself some dessert.

The chef at KHCC could not believe his ears when he heard that I was going to eat even more food. And, having never witnessed anything like that in his entire career as a chef, he decided that if I could eat both if those burgers and have dessert, he would personally pay for my dessert out of his own pocket.

dessert

And that my friends, concludes this weeks blog post.

But, stay tuned later this week, because I may surprise you all with an extra post that will include ‘A Meaningless Blind Date With Someone Who May Or May Not Be In The Witness Protection Program, Tiny Bladder Syndrome Verses Leaky Ass Syndrome And How Spending Too Much Time With The Same Person May Lead To Transference Of Syndromes. And, How To Spend The Fourth Of July In The Emergency Room -Twice.’

Posted in Driving, Friends, Humor, KHCC, Links, Other Bloggers, Photos | 63 Comments

Uncharted Territories, My New Found Love For Global Positioning Systems, Trying To Beat Death On A Bridge, And Why I Need To Learn Spanish As A Second Language.

Posted on June 30, 2009 by Meleah

There are some things in life I know with utmost certainty I can do well. And then, there are some things in life that I have absolutely no business attempting to do whatsoever.

Take for instance, cleaning.

Nobody loves to clean more than I do. I think I just might be the only person on the planet who gets genuinely excited when I inhale the scent of ‘Clorox’ and ‘Fabreeze’ wafting in the air. As I have mentioned before, I seem to get especially thrilled when I hear the terms: cleaning solutions, industrial strength disinfectants, debris removal, sanitizing agents, commercial potency, deodorizing and/or neutralizing. Seriously, those are just a few of the adjectives that make my heart skip a beat.

I sincerely love ‘All Things Clean’.

On the other hand, there are some things I cannot handle.

Such as, ‘Driving’ in ‘Uncharted Territories’.

I will have you know that when I am in my element and cruising along the back roads on my own turf, I can maneuver with the best of the best. However, when I am faced with unfamiliar ground? Things tend to get a little complicated. I have a severe tendency for getting lost. Even within the confines of my own town. And even when other people are driving.

I literally have self-induced Panic Attacks, at the mere thought of being forced to drive outside of my ‘comfort zone’. And by ‘comfort zone’ I mean the four square miles surrounding my house.

On a whim, and possibly out of sheer boredom, I decided to accept an offer that involved cleaning and driving to help a very dear friend. I wasn’t the least bit concerned with the cleaning portion of this favor. But, I did have serious reservations with respects to the driving aspect of this favor.

Fortunately, my father knows I have a penchant for getting lost, and how I am subject to involuntary, internal pangs of anxiety, when faced with foreign soil. The night before, out of the goodness of his over-sized heart, my father recommended we perform a ‘dry run’ and take an actual tour to some of the destinations.

Even with this preemptive strike [which did in fact, alleviate a lot of my unnecessary fears] I was still quite apprehensive about driving all the way up The New Jersey Turnpike to Elizabeth.

Every one of my readers, and every one of my real life friends already knows exactly how I feel when it comes to The New Jersey Turnpike.

Nonetheless, I had already given my word, and I vowed to fulfill my promise.

Friday morning I met my friend [who will now be referred to as Nightingale] in the parking lot of our complex, promptly at 6:45 am. Nightingale suggested I use her car for the day’s events because all of the necessary cleaning supplies were already loaded up in the back of her truck. Plus, I wouldn’t have to put any unnecessary miles on my own car.

I always feel slightly uptight about driving someone else’s vehicle. While my car IS a total piece of crap, lacking any power or ‘pick up,’ thus rendering me incapable of merging properly, at least I am fully aware of my car’s deficiencies, limitations, and blind spots.

In order for me to get acclimated with her truck, Nightingale proposed a test drive around the block. Much to my amazement, her SUV handled just like a regular car. I felt confident enough to accept the responsibility of driving her vehicle.

Armed with a full tank of gas, an EZPass for the tolls, and my father’s GPS device, I was positively convinced I could handle the tasks at hand.

My drive on the NJTPK could not have been any smoother. Apparently, she was more forgiving than usual, as there was little to no traffic. I even began to enjoy the comforts of Nightingale’s truck. It was a refreshing change to drive a vehicle that had a working driver side mirror, a functional cigarette lighter, and a decent set of breaks!

When the time came for me to exit the Turnpike, having no clue where I was headed, I did not allow my typical nervousness to kick in. Instead, I quietly prayed to the GPS gods to, ‘please, please, please, give me the correct coordinates, and get me to my destination safely’.

I listened very carefully and very closely to the words streaming from the GPS, “In 0.2 miles turn right.” And I did it. “In 0.l miles turn right, and stay to your right.” And I did it. I was delighted and relieved with the accuracy of this lovely device.

With My New Found Love For Global Positioning Systems, overly enthusiastic, and beaming with pride for remaining so cool and calm, I thought to myself, ‘Hey Now! Check Me Out! Wow! I am totally doing this!’

Unfortunately, since I was distracted and prematurely patting myself on the back, I did NOT hear the next set of instructions.

And little did I know those very set of directions were absolutely crucial.

Having missed an ever-so vital piece of information, I turned right, and stayed right as previously instructed, but I did NOT make the essential quick left turn.

And that’s when everything went awry.

Instead of heading into Elizabeth, I was [unwillingly] about to drive over The Goethals Bridge.

I feel obligated to mention that I am TERRIFIED, PETRIFIED, and SCARED TO DEATH of all things bridges and tunnels. Especially bridges that are extremely narrow, only two lanes wide, and that allow 18-wheelers to mingle next to the cars.

[The Goethals Bridge has two 10-foot (3.0 m)-wide (3 m) lanes in each direction, which do not meet the 12-foot (3.7 m) requirement of current highway design standards. The bridge also has no shoulders for emergency access.]

Knowing these facts, I rapidly tried to figure out any possible way for me to turn the car around in order to avert driving over the bridge.

Alas, I quickly realized I could not stop the inevitable.

meleah-on-bridge

As I looked out each window at the harrowing view, I immediately went into panic mode. The palms of my hands began sweating profusely, my heart was racing, and I thought for sure I was going to black out.

I drove in super slow motion, staring straight ahead, ignoring the vulgar language, middle fingers, and car horns blaring in my direction, while gripping the steering wheel so tightly, my knuckles turned power white.

The only thing that remotely held me together was the soothing sound of the GPS automated voice, talking me off the ledge of complete hysteria. I felt reassured everything would eventually be okay as soon as I heard ‘Recalculating Route Now.’

After what seemed like a lifetime had passed, I was directed to ‘Exit Left’ at the end of the bridge. Then I was given a series of instructions, which I followed perfectly.

Now, there was just one more problem.

I would have to get back on the bridge.

And drive over it.

Again.

In the other direction.

Already traumatized and practically in tears, I heard my cell phone chime with a text message. I didn’t want to look at my phone while playing another game of ‘Trying To Beat Death On A Bridge’ but force of habit made me check.

It was a text message from one of my favorite people, Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked]. She was also having a rough morning. Amy The Bartender had high hopes a nice hot shower would do her some good and help loosen her stiff muscles. Sadly for Amy The Bartender, that was not the case.

I opened my cell phone and saw this:

“Amy The Bartender is exhausted, sore, and freezing because she had to shave her legs in another cold shower this morning.”

They say ‘misery loves company’ and I am no exception to that rule.

After reading that text message, and visualizing Amy The Bartender’s angry disposition, plus the fact that she texts in the third person, made me laugh all the way back across that bridge.

Of course, a whole new set of problems was about to begin.

Now I don’t know if it was because I had been riddled with anxiety, or because I had laughed so hard, but suddenly, I felt as if my bladder was going to explode. I needed to get to a restroom. And right quick. I am pretty sure the two cups of coffee, and the bottle of water I drank that morning did not help the brewing pressure in my abdomen.

However, I didn’t want to defer off course again. I needed to pick up a woman that works for Nightingale to assist with the cleaning jobs and I knew I was very close to her house. I figured I would be better off picking her up and then I could deal with trying to locate a suitable restroom.

Thanks to the GPS [an electronical device I will now and forever consider my new best friend] I arrived at her house without any further incidents.

I beeped the horn once and a tiny, totally super adorable, black haired woman appeared. I unlocked the doors, let her in, said good morning, and that’s when I discovered she did not speak a single word of English. And I can’t speak Spanish even if my very life depended on it.

Let the game of ‘Why I Need To Learn Spanish As A Second Language’ begin.

My plans on asking her where I could find the closest and cleanest restroom were now an impossible feat. I tried to communicate with her, via charades and the use of body language, but that wasn’t very beneficial when attempting to demonstrate my urgency in needing a bathroom. I can only guess, from the very confused expression plastered on her face, that she must have thought I was wearing a really uncomfortable pair of underwear.

[Note to self: Invest and purchase the Rosetta Stone Program]

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Rommie placed a few of her own supplies in the back seat of the truck, while I punched the keypad buttons on the GPS. And we were back on the road.

Considering I had just barely survived the disturbing and upsetting bridge disaster, I decided I was not ready to take on the new stress that driving on the Garden State Parkway would cause me. As much as I complain about the NJTPK and what a thorn in my side she can be, at least I know her. I know everyone of her potholes and I am familiar with every crack and fine line on her asphalt surface.

As I hauled ass down the highway, clenching every muscle in my body tighter than I ever have, for the duration of a forty-five minute ride, I prayed repeatedly I would be able to ‘hold it in’ until I reached my house.

When we finally did make it to my house? Rommie must have thought we were at the first job. Clearly, she had no idea where we were as she started to get out of the passenger side door and reached for her cleaning equipment.

Desperately searching for a way to communicate with her, I wracked my brain and summoned all of my 7th grade knowledge pertaining to the Spanish Language. With no time left to spare, and impending doom looming over my fragile bladder, I shouted:

“No!” “Mi Casa!” “El Bano!”

Rommie, understanding what I said, let out a sweet chuckle of laughter.

I sprinted in and out of my house and took care of business in record time. As I jumped back in the car, I attempted to ‘mime’ the word “Whew” and I pretended to wipe the imaginary sweat off my forehead.

mime

And THAT was all before 9am.

[**Part Two: And the rest of this story, can be found in the comments section of this blog post.**]

Posted in Drama Drama, Driving, Friends, Humor, KHCC, Life, Links, Photos, Strong Medicine, Technology, Work, Writing | 44 Comments

Writing, Decisions, And Thinking Out Loud

Posted on June 22, 2009 by Meleah

Okay people. I am trying to make a decision. I could use all of the input, advice and suggestions anyone has to offer.

As most of you know I am working on writing my first book. After what seemed like hundreds of all-nighters, endless cups of coffee, and a million cigarettes, I was almost satisfied with the rough draft of Chapter Ten.

But!

Because Chapter Ten was soooooo huge [in comparison to the rest of my chapters] coming in over 35 pages and 35,000+ words, I thought it might better for me to break it up into four separate chapters.

Here is the dilemma:

Chapter 10 all happened in ONE NIGHT. It is ONE. SINGLE. EVENT.

And because it is ONE NIGHT and ONE EVENT, I am not sure IF breaking it up into so many chapters works? Maybe I SHOULD keep it all together as one monster chapter?

As it stands RIGHT NOW, I have posted them as four separate and individual chapters.

You can read them here:

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

But, I am wondering since the chapters are ripped apart like that, will it be essential for the reader to get through all four chapters in one sitting for it to make sense?

On the FLIP SIDE, I do think the chapters are strong enough to stand on their own. Because even though it all takes place in the bar [and on the same day] there are several major scene changes. And each scene change, is where the chapter breaks are!

However, I might need to adjust where I placed the breaks in the chapters?

For instance, instead of Chapter 10, 11 & 12 being separated into THREE different chapters, maybe 10, 11 & 12 should remained combined as ONE CHAPTER. [As Chapter 10.] And, that would make Chapter 13 on it’s own, really only Chapter 11.

[Does anyone else have a headache after reading that?]

I guess I could sit here and debate with myself all day and all night, and trust me, THAT may very well happen.

BUT, decisions like these, are what a good editors are for. Am I right?

I suppose, for now, I will leave them alone.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on as usual.

If you have a chance, and if you read all four chapters, and if you have any input, advice or suggestions, please feel free to share them with me!

[*The passwords have been changed – so if you are interested in reading ANY chapter after Chapter Three, you will need to send me an email request or simply leave a comment! *]

Posted in Off The Pole, Writing | 33 Comments

Let’s Talk Some Summer Television

Posted on June 21, 2009 by Meleah

[Now, before anyone yells at me! YES! I have been working diligently on my book. In fact, Chapter 10, 11, 12 and 13 are ALMOST finished and they will be posted in the near to immediate future. Just as soon as I make a few decisions.]

That being said.

Let’s talk some ‘Summer Television’ shall we?

It’s pretty rough during these hot, and humid, thunder-stormy, summer months, to find any half way decent programming. My evenings are just not the same without at least: one guilty pleasure, one drama, some face paced action, and a little humor.

Therefore over this past week, I’ve made it my personal mission to seek out and find: the good, the bad, and the WTF is happening on television.

I’ve been spending quality time in front of my television. And by quality time I mean, watching a plethora of new television shows, catching up on missed season premieres and season finales, all while taking notes, researching characters, and writing blog posts for your reading enjoyment.

So, if you’d like to talk some Television? Come on over to Melevision!

Or, simply chose any show(s) on the list below and just click on the linked Giant Sized Titles!

Oh, and…if any of YOU have a particular favorite new summer show that is not on the list, please feel free to tell me all about it in the comments section of this post!

[My personal favorites are marked with an * asterisk.]

Especially to this guy:

3580237744_2edbc4a0f6

These are my favorite STORIES about my father!

*** [click on the titles below] ***

These are my favorite VIDEO’S about my father!

*** [click on the titles below] ***

*Royal Pains

*Nurse Jackie

*Leverage

*So You Think You Can Dance [SYTYCD]

These are my favorite STORIES about my father!

These are my favorite VIDEO’S about my father!

Archives

Meta