Thursday, I was delegated the glorious task of picking up cakes for three ladies who were going to be celebrating their birthdays at KHCC. I happily accepted this particular responsibility because I am close friends with these fine women.
In fact, one of them just happened to be A Woman Who Abuses The Term ‘Love’ When Expressing Her Feelings Surrounding Television Shows [And Movies] Who Is Forever Getting Lost Even While Driving On Familiar Turf, Who Is Utterly Obsessed With All Things Pertaining To Steve McQueen, And That Needs To Commit To One Reason As To Why Her Mother Stays So ‘Young’ – Otherwise Known As Nightingale.
Even though it was non-stop pouring rain, and all I wanted to do was stay in bed, I headed over to KHCC to meet with Amy The Bartender [Who Plays Tennis But Is Not Ranked] to discuss the birthday cake specifics and create a shopping list.
Of course, by the time I walked through the front doors of KHCC I was drenched from head to toe. Seriously, I have no idea why I even bothered to ‘get ready’ before leaving my house. I honestly believe I could have shampooed my hair and shaved my legs outdoors because the downpour had better water pressure than my own shower.
Amy The Bartender and I conjured up a comprehensive list of things for me to buy from the store. But, the more items Amy The Bartender added to the list, the more my level of anxiety increased. I suppose my bulging eyeballs, incessant hair twirling, and inevitable ‘pit stains’ were an obvious clue to Amy The Bartender I was slightly freaked out over accepting the challenge of driving in the middle of a monsoon and clueless how to properly buy a birthday cake that had not been pre-ordered.
Nonetheless, I had already given my word.
I was off to the store.
As luck would have it, the minute I walked out of KHCC, the rain which had slowed down to a mere drizzle, unleashed the kind of wrath that would make anyone beg for mercy. I tried my best to hightail it through the parking lot side stepping as many puddles as possible, all to no avail.
I guess now would be a good time to share with ya’ll I was wearing an outfit commonly referred to as ‘The Uniform’. And while ‘The Uniform’ is possibly the most comfortable items of clothing I own, they are not exactly ‘Inclimate Weather Friendly’.
You see these specific sweatpants are a few inches too long for my stubby little legs, which means they drag against the ground. And that is not really problematic for me on a sunny day. However, running through slick wet patches, wearing the very pants that are too long for my legs, led to somewhat of a situation for me.
When the ankles of my sweatpants became thoroughly saturated, they also became rather ‘Bottom Heavy’ effectively giving gravity a much stronger hold. The thin string of material holding my pants up was not a suitable match against the weight of the water. Let’s just say, I did everything humanly possible to spare myself the embarrassment of having my sweatpants fall completely off my body. Fortunately, I safely made it to my car without exposing my ‘Granny Panties’ to the general public.
On my way to the store, it was at least 90 degrees outside and humid as all hell, but I drove with the heat on in an effort to dry my pants. Sheets of water caused by blinding rain, coupled with severely fogged windows, and little to no visibility, made for a rather traumatic driving experience. Needless to say, I arrived at the grocery store already on the verge of hysterics.
Much as I expected I couldn’t find a parking space. After what seemed like a lifetime of circling around, I simply gave up and took the only vacant spot twelve hundred miles away from the entrance. And once again, I found myself jogging at a lively pace through the flooded parking lot.
Here’s another little ‘tip’ for ya’ll: I do not recommend jogging, while wearing Flip-Flops, in the middle of a torrential deluge. Why? Because you can [and will] slip and slide uncontrollably, in front of curious onlookers staring at your wildly failing arms, while you desperately try to regain control over your movements, until you twist your ankle.
By the time entered the grocery store, I was limping, and waterlogged.
And that’s when another series of unfortunate incidents occurred.
First of all, I don’t often frequent this particular grocery store, so I was quite unfamiliar with the lay out of such an enormous building.
I can only imagine what I looked like to other people as I quickly trotted trough the store holding up the bottoms of my sweat pants to keep them from collecting the dirt on the ground, with my eyes darting rapidly from side to side on my quest to locate the bakery department. I searched up and down every aisle while my flip-flops made loud squishy sounds, only drawing more attention to the discernible fact that I was clearly lost. It probably took me at least ten minutes to even find the bakery department.
When I finally did locate the correct department, I was immediately overwhelmed with one too many choices. There were never ending rows and rows of cakes, and pies, and pastries and tartlets. And even though I had my trustee-shopping list to refer to, I was still completely confused.
According to my list I was supposed to pick up one miniature Key Lime Pie, one miniature Banana Cream Pie, and one large Strawberry Short Cake.
Seems simple enough yes?
Wrong.
After perusing the entire bakery, I discovered they did not have any miniature Key Lime Pies, nor did they have any miniature Banana Cream Pies. And they certainly did not have a large Strawberry Short Cake.
Nope.
So what did they have?
Only the exact opposite of what I needed to ascertain.
After consulting with what appeared to be The Manager, I learned they didn’t have any sized Banana Cream Pies because that kind of pie was out of season. He went on to inform me they did have large Key Lime Pies, and miniature Strawberry Short Cakes.
Great!
Now what was I supposed to do?
The Manager was called away to attend to some bakery style emergency and I was left to my own devices. I decided rather than totally flipping out – it would be best to find an informed employee to help me figure out what could be done about my lack of cake/pie options.
I approached the counter seeking customer service to find an eighty-year-old blue haired woman working. I tried my very best to explain what I was looking for. But, I don’t think she could hear me very well.
With my patience fleeting, I still tried to talk to her using my ‘inside voice.’ I only accentuated the necessary words with extreme volume.
“I’m sorry, but I need to buy a LARGE Strawberry Short Cake and a SMALL Key Lime Pie. But you only have SMALL Strawberry Short Cakes and LARGE Key Lime Pies. Is there any way I can order what I need? Is that possible?”
The elderly lady looked almost as confused as I was and replied, “What?”
I repeated myself several more times but clearly the elderly woman never heard what I was saying. At that point I didn’t know whether or not to laugh, or throw something.
On the threshold of a full blown state of mania, I shouted, “I just want a SMALL Key Lime Pie and a LARGE Strawberry Short Cake. Can’t I just order them and pick them up later?”
Finally another woman working behind the bakery counter [and one with perfect hearing] responded to my inquiry about placing an order for the right sized cakes.
Apparently, there is a 24-hour waiting period for all pie and cake orders. [A vital piece of information that would have been handy – the day before.]
Panic-stricken, noticeably upset, and incapable of fulfilling my mission, I rummaged through my purse to find my cell phone and called Amy The Bartender.
I explained the cake/pie predicament to Amy The Bartender. She advised that it was okay to get the large Key Lime Pie. However, now we needed to figure out what to buy for the main cake.
Amy The Bartender was very specific about not wanting a sheet cake from the bakery that had the ‘nasty sugary icing.’ The only kind of icing Amy The Bartender was interested in getting had to have the ‘whipped cream’ kind of icing. Alas, there were no such cakes pre-made in any of the glass cases.
Eventually Amy The Bartender came up with the brilliant idea for us to get a Carvel Ice Cream Cake, provided the store carried them.
Now all I had to do was find the Carvel Ice Cream Cake section.
Totally disheveled, I asked the lady [with good hearing] where I could possibly locate the necessary item. Having overheard my conversation with Amy The Bartender, and having witnessed my diligent pursuit she kindly guided me over to the frozen food section.
By sheer chance I found the perfect Carvel Ice Cream Cake within seconds. All that was left for me to do was find candles, and red icing to write on the cake with.
Thankfully, the lady from the bakery was still standing next to me. I told her what I needed to accomplish and I can only assume she took pity on me. She offered to take the Carvel Ice Cream Cake back to the bakery and agreed to write on the cake. FOR FREE.
Things were starting to look up.
I even found a check out with no one else waiting in line.
Before leaving the store I made sure I had enough bags to cover the cakes. I wanted to protect them from the force Mother Nature. And by the soaking wet people entering the store it was obvious the storm had not yet cleared.
I successfully made it back to my car with both the pie and cake in tact. However, I was unable to remain dry.
I happened to catch a glimpse of myself on in the rearview mirror and much to my horror, I noticed black streaks of mascara smeared all over my face. Seriously, I looked like a female member of the band KISS.
I immediately wondered if that hot mess had been on my face the whole time I was shopping? I thought people were staring at me. But I thought it was because I am evidently NOT a cake-buying aficionado.
I quickly took a tissue out of my glove compartment and began scrubbing my face clean. And, I could not get out of that parking lot fast enough.
The humidity, mixed with my own damp sweatiness, created a steamy windshield situation. But I could not risk turning on the defroster. After all, I was transporting an Ice Cream cake and I didn’t want it to melt en route.
Instead, I drove back to KHCC with the driver side window down allowing the pelting rain to fall freely into the car and onto my already saturated clothes. And at every stoplight I used one a rag to wipe the windshield clear.
During temporary moments of visibility, I realized I was stuck behind The Oldest Person On The Planet also known as The Slowest Driver On The Planet. I kid you not when I tell you, that person never broke the speed of 12mph. Considering I was driving on a back road, there was simply no way for me to pass this individual.
[Why is it that whenever I am in rush, I find myself trapped behind that very person?]
Moving at that incredibly slow pace, I kept thinking for sure the cake was going to be destroyed by the time I got to KHCC. My heart started beating faster and faster while I prayed for The Slowest Driver On The Planet to hurry up and turn down another street.
What should have been a ten-minute ride, turned into a thirty-minute stress test gone awry.
Ultimately, I found myself back at KHCC. Amy The Bartender took one look at me, in all of my soaking wet clothes, and had to laugh.
After dropping off the cakes and grabbing a bite to eat, I went home to my sanctuary. I changed into dry clothes and collapsed on my bed from total exhaustion.
The only problem?
I forgot to set my alarm.
And once I am asleep, I have been known to remain unconscious for many, many, many, many, hours in a row.
Which is exactly what I did.
And because of that?
After all of my hard work and after all of my effort?
I missed the actual celebration.
Yep.
I never made it back to KHCC to sing Happy Birthday to my three friends. I just barely arrived at the tail end of the party.
At least I got to enjoy a tiny sliver of Key Lime Pie.
I will say that I learned a valuable lesson. And that is I will never agree to pick up a birthday cake, or a pie, unless it has already been pre-ordered. I would rather bake a cake myself. And ya’ll know how ‘talented’ I am when it comes to baking. Right?
