I have absolutely ‘No Clue’ when it comes to gardening. In fact, after that time I killed a cactus? I realized my ‘Black Thumb’ would probably be ‘Convicted’ for ‘Murdering’ even a ‘Plastic Plant’.

Nonetheless, one of my closest and dearest friends was leaving to go away on vacation for a week in ‘Cabo San Lucas Mexico’, and considering I live directly around the block from her? I agreed to water her plants while she was away.

And here’s how that worked out for me. And here’s how it worked out for the plants.

[Insert the ‘Law & Order’ sound effect “DUNT-DUNT”]

‘Day One’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started last Monday Morning. I went over to my friend’s house, I let myself in the back gate, I took out the hose, and I haphazardly sprayed water on each plant. I wrapped up the hose, shut off the water, closed the gate, and I got into my car to head home. It seemed easy enough to me. I figured watering her plants would be an incredibly simple task.

But of course, I was wrong.

‘Day Two’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ began early Tuesday Morning. [And by early morning, I really mean ‘Late-Afternoon’.] However, it wasn’t until AFTER I had finished watering all of the plants when my ‘Best Friend’ otherwise known as ‘Amy The Bartender’ casually informed me that due to the outrageously high temperatures, I was NOT supposed to spray any water on the leaves of the plants, especially at that hour of the day, because that could cause the poor plants to singe and/or burn.

Oh. That’s just great. I had no friggen idea.

Short of figuring out a way to individually dry off each leaf, there was really nothing I could do at that point. I spent the better part of my evening worried I would find my friend’s plants scorched the following morning. I envisioned brown charred leaves with crispy holes in them, pointing their proverbial fingers of evidence right in my direction.

‘Day Three’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started bright and early on Wednesday Morning. I was eager to find out whether or not my girlfriends plants had survived the night. Luckily for me, they had. I grabbed the hose, I turned on the water and I attempted to spray the plants WITHOUT getting any water on the leaves. But after a mere ‘Two Seconds’, I realized that was half past impossible.

Thankfully, another neighbor was outside and caught a glimpse of my utterly perplexed face. I desperately asked for advice. “Yeah, um, can you please tell me how the heck am I supposed to water these plants without getting any of the leaves wet?” She came over laughing and advised me to change the setting on the hose to ‘Pour’ as opposed to ‘Shower’ and placed the nozzle into the soil of the plant. Then I pressed down, letting the water run, while counting out-loud to ‘Seven’.  Ah, yes. Mission accomplished.

Or so I thought.

‘Day Four’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started later than usual on Thursday Evening. I decided to bring my son along with me. We arrived to find all of the plants looking perky and alive. Except for one.  One plant still had an excessive amount of water in it.

I said to my son, “Wow. I guess I did a really good job of watering the plants yesterday, because this one is still drenched.” I was ready to pat myself on the back for a job-well-done when all of a sudden my son looked at me as if I had two heads. “Mom, that’s NOT a good thing. You’re drowning that plant!” Apparently, he knows more about ‘Horticulture’ than I ever will.

“What?” I exclaimed, confused.

“Well mom,” my son huffed, “you know how you can under-water a plant? Well, you can ALSO over-water a plant.”

“Oh.”  “I did not know that either!”  “Sh*t.” “Now what am I supposed to do?”

I was riddled with anxiety. I was convinced that I had ‘Accidentally Executed’ this poor little plant.

I frantically tried to ‘Rescue’ the plant by dumping out as much water as I possibly could and moving the plant to a different location where it would receive more sunlight. Hopefully, my ‘Brilliant Idea’ would help dry the soil. But only time would tell.

That evening, I decided to Google the term “How To Water Plants Properly” because clearly, I was making all kinds of mistakes.

‘Day Five’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started pretty early on Friday Morning. And this time, I was determined to take care of these plants properly. I remembered all of the things I was supposed to do:

Don’t under-water the plants. Don’t over-water the plants. Don’t get the leaves wet, or they can burn. It’s best to water the plants at the same time every day. Apply water in the cool of the morning or evening when the wind is calm and water loss through evaporation is minimal. *Avoid watering disease-susceptible plants at night. [Yeah. Whatever the hell that means!]

Young or new plantings require more moisture at the soil surface to help their roots get established. You should water more often to accommodate their needs. Mature plantings with large root systems can be watered heavily and less often than younger plants. [But, of course I don’t know if these plants are Young or Mature?]

I remembered to shut off the water, and I had to put the hose back in its proper place, before locking the back gate. By the time I got home my head was spinning. And that’s when I saw one of my friends on Facebook left a comment on my Wall with one last gardening tip.

“Did you remember to talk to them?”

Jesus. H. Christ.

[I was too busy talking myself off a ledge to remember to talk to the plants too!]

‘Day Six’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ started early on Saturday Morning. Much to my surprise, all of the plants were doing quite well. The basil was growing in nice and leafy, and the other plants [which I could not identify by name even if my life depended on it] were not brown or and they were not burnt.

I was positively thrilled with the results of my new-found watering skills.

That is, until I noticed some of the flowers looked wilted.

Mother. F*cker.

Considering they are buried UNDER ROCKS, I couldn’t very well apply the ‘Pour Method’.

‘Day Seven’ of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ took place on Sunday Morning. The flowers were still pretty wilted, but I decided to chalk that up to the fact that it was incredibly humid for the last week, and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to save those poor things. The rest of the plants seemed to be doing okay. I had a lovely ‘Chat’ with them, and I assured them their mother would be home very shortly to give them all the love and attention they needed.

‘Day Eight’ otherwise known as The Last Day of: ‘Operation Watering Someone Else’s Plants’ seriously couldn’t come fast enough. I had no idea taking care of plants and a gardening could be so much work. And quite frankly, trying to keep them alive was entirely too much pressure! However, all kidding aside, I enjoyed myself very much throughout this experiment. And I learned a lot. Honestly, I think having only ‘One’ Dead-Plant via ‘Drowning’ out of all ‘Thirty-Five’ plants – is a pretty damn good ratio!

Now, I just have to take care of my mother’s plants while she’s away in Jamaica. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!