Friday night started with the arrival of my BFF pr…

Posted on October 15, 2006 by Meleah

Friday night started with the arrival of my BFF promptly at 6pm. We were soon off to CHILIS so I could indulge upon a full fledged meal. I took the doctor prescribed medication, timed, and waited the 30 minuets for it to be released into my body, before biting down on a very plain grilled chicken sandwich. I took small bites, chewed well and washed down with an unsweetened ice-tea.

Afterwards we walked over to Barnes and Noble, one of my favorite places to be, and Jennifer, in her usual giving fashion, showered upon me the following treats:

Wally Lamb: I know this much is true and She’s Come Undone.

I also received the unfinished work of my HERO , Truman Capote, the book, Answered Prayers , and a new journal to keep a “food” record.

A “Food Journal” (with a really SKINNY person on it)
C’mon, that’s funny.

After an hour in the book store, I still felt good!! No buring! No gas! No pain! My high hopes of successful digestion were coming true! Then I decided, in light of the fact I was feeling good, we should take full advantage of my un-sick condition and brave a movie!

We saw THIS movie, THE DEPARTED, which kicked some serious fucking ass. GO SEE THAT MOVIE NOW!!! Probably one of THE BEST movies I have seen in years.

Leonardo DiCaprio was so hot, all roughed up looking. Matt Damon hot as well, but more in that parochial school boy rugby team player sort of way. Jack Nicholson has NEVER been cooler. Mark Wahlberg even with a bad haircut was the surprise of the movie to me, and Martin Sheen was fabulous. BUT, I have to say this on record, to many who will disagree, Alec Baldwin stole the movie with his incredible lines, and perfect delivery of each. I still think he is the hottest, even fat, sweaty and bloated. YUMMY.

After the movie we came home to my house where I introduced Jennifer to Truman Capote.


I explained WHY I loved him so much and what I think is so great about him. After I read her some excerpts of his work, we downloaded old VIDEO FOOTAGE and old interviews with him. I told her all about THIS MOVIE, and we watched THIS. Inspired, we TRIED to download the DVD, without success. (On accident we somehow managed to download the audio version of the book In Cold Blood but it was in FRENCH…oops)

After getting all worked up and into bragging about my hero, it was then decided, that Saturday, we would go see the NEW movie, Infamous , and BUY THIS movie.

INFAMOUS was not exactly the same as the 2005 CAPOTE film, eventhough both movies have a lot in common. Both are about Truman Capote writing the book that made him the most famous writer in America, In Cold Blood. In the movie Infamous, it was more focused on the “socialite activities” of Truman during the late 50’s- early 60’s. (made me want to run right out and buy a cigarette holder, and paint my nails red)
While Capote 2005, was more about his manipulation and the turmoil he suffered in the process of his writing

BOTH GREAT MOVIES :

Friday and Saturday were both a success, in that I was able to eat ONE meal each day, and fully digest properly. I have to say, it was GREAT getting out of the house, and not feeling like a patient for two days.

However, I am not quite adjusted to the medications. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t write, think, or talk like myself. My sleep patterns are screwy, my mind is still way off kilter, full use of all my faculties aren’t here yet, I have slow reflexes, and,I find that I am either racing or exhausted, no even keel yet. I feel less like I am having a complete psychotic break, with some food in me, but I don’t feel “right” just yet…

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MY Next few Doctors appointments:

Posted on October 13, 2006 by Meleah

MY Next few Doctors appointments:

1.Monday October 16th 9am:
Centra State – 6 hour test: SBS (small bowel series)

2. Thursday October 19th 11:45am:
GI doctors visit with results of Biopsy & SBS x-rays

3. Saturday October 21st 10:00am:
Regular Doctors visit

In the meantime, over the weekend, I intend to take my medication as prescribed(see below), eat some fucking food, read a few books, and catch the new Martin Scorsese movie The Departed, ?IF? , stomach issues don’t prevent me from leaving my house?

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I called GI doctors office 2 times, left 2 message…

Posted on October 13, 2006 by Meleah

I called GI doctors office 2 times, left 2 messages, finally doctor called back with my answers to following questions:

1.What is WRONG with me?

ANSWER: IBS or CROHNS the biopsy results will determine which one I have

2.Is there a diagnosis?

ANSWER: We will know when biopsy results are in next week

3.What is the SBS test? When? Where? And why do I need that?

ANSWER: special series of X-RAYS to look further above inside my GI tract that the colonoscopy can’t see, call Centra State Medical Hospital and set up appointment before my visit on Oct 19th so he can review the x-rays and biopsy, together, with me that day

4.If I eat and have PAIN, what CAN I take to make the pain go away?

ANSWER: Librax and Aciphex will prevent pain from starting / take medication before I eat

5.Did you take a biopsy? When will those results be in?

ANSWER: yes yes yes, Thursday October 19th

6.I am already ON anti-anxiety medication Xanax, why did you prescribe more? Do I need Librax as another anti anxiety medication? and why do I have to take it 3xs a day? Can I take both medications together? Won’t I be all doped up? They are both heavy duty NARCOTICS, I am a recovering drug addict, isn’t there something else I can take?

ANSWER: No, you need the Librax to stop the spasms in your intestines, and any stress increases spasms, which increases your pain. Anti anxiety helps stop stress, and stops the spasms, and the second medication will stop other symptoms of intestines

7.When is my next office visit?
ANSWER: Thursday, October 19th at 11:45am

THANK YOU

I did some “Self research” on all the medications I am taking / supposed to take:

1. Minocycline (for my skin)- 100mg/1pill
2. Zoloft (for my depression)-100mg/1pill
3. Xanax (for anxiety/stress)- .02mg/1pill

Those are what I have been talking for the last few years (the xanax is just been over the last six months because of the financial stress I have been under)

4.Aciphex (for heartburn) – 20mg/1pill
5.Librax (for anxiety?)- 20mg/ 3pills

*total pills per day= 7

Upon further internet research on the medication LIBRAX I found THIS

There are TWO key ingredients in LIBRAX

1.Librium
2.Quarzan
————————————————————————

But I am A LITTLE concerned about THIS and I am PRETTY MUCH scared by THIS

The only thing that makes me feel better is the SECOND ingredient / medication / usage in the LIBRAX.

I feel better having TALKED to GI DOCTOR this morning, he told me to stop taking Xanax while on Librax, until we get everything under control.

Let’s HOPE its IBS and NOT Crohns!!!!!

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WEDNESDAY: At first, it wasn’t so bad, at first, …

Posted on October 12, 2006 by Meleah

WEDNESDAY:

At first, it wasn’t so bad, at first, it was actually okay. The liquid fleet phosho-sodadrink wasn’t AS BAD as everyone implied it would be. Maybe it’s because I was forewarned, about the nastiness of it all, I went ahead and drank the whole glass down like a chilled shot of vodka (thank you mad alcoholic skills, one of the few times that disease has paid off) followed immediately with cheeks full of Listerine mouth wash to prevent any after taste from sticking around.

The way people who have undergone a colonoscopy and drank that very drink, made it sound, to me, as if I needed to drink it in the bathroom, because of its fast acting nature, I would be close to necessary facilities. But, it wasn’t until 2 hours later, when it “kicked in.”

Fortunately, that wasn’t even that bad, except for the urgency of it all. There weren’t any of the dreaded cramps, and, it was pretty painless for the first time in MONTHS to go to the bathroom. But, from 545pm to 745pm my entire GI tract was evacuated. At 745pm I took the second Zelnorm, and then, at 8pm I took the 4 laxatives prescribed.

That’s when the cruel and unusual punishment began. There was NOTHING inside of me to expel, therefore, I suffered hours of cramps and urges with no substance that needed removal, nothing even came out, after the 4 laxatives, there was NOTHING TO COME OUT, in fact, it was rather in-humane. Maybe a “regular patient” whom had been eating for 9 days, and NOT only drinking chicken broth for 9 days in a row, needs that extra final boost, or kick in the ass (bad pun) but seriously in my case, I think the laxatives weren’t necessary at all, and an exception could have / should have been made.

But, I promised, so I did, follow doctor’s orders to a T. I didn’t sleep much last night, I was so uncomfortable. I was so glad my appt was until 1pm the next day, so after getting JCH off to school this morning, I was given the opportunity sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, until 1030am (THAT was NICE).

THURSDAY:

Woke up, showered, dressed, few phone calls and out the door, cyborg daddy drove me to and from my procedure and made me laugh the whole way to the doctors office with his anecdotes, or, constantly changing the subject to insurance.

Cyborg ? Dad?

When I arrived at the surgi-canter, I had to tell my symptoms saga 2 more times to 2 more people. I was gowned, bedded, IV-ed, and hooked up to anesthesia within minuets. I have no idea what they did (thank god!) but, some results are in, and some results are not so clear yet.

The doctor wants to do one or two more tests, to complete the diagnoses.

(IS this is ANOTHER TEST I have to endure
that may now “RULE OUT CROHN’S?)

I, personally, am NOT SURE IF I HAVE CROHNS, (after reading a million pages) I THINK MAYBE I HAVE I.B.S.?? (similar to Crohn’s, but not as severe). NO, I am not a professional, nor do I hold any degree for anything, but, I am more unclear than ever.

I asked a bunch of different questions that went unanswered today, and when the doctor did talk to me, I was coming out of anesthesia, so I did not understand, hear or retain any of that information.

He prescribed heartburn medication, and anti-anxiety medication? but I already TAKE an anti-anxiety medication Xanax, so why would he prescribe another one? One that I am supposed to take 3x’s a day?? Can I even take Xanax with this other stuff he just prescribed? I can handle the heartburn, but I can’t handle the gas pains that wont release, and cause excruciating PAIN? Where is medication for THAT?

I am so confused, now more than ever. I need something that STOPS the gas pains and inflammation inside my intestines? Why am I getting anti-anxiety medications?

anti-anxiety meds? wtf? is that for?

I am calling the doctor first thing in the morning. And, I may want another doctor?

Did he jump the gun with Crohn’s? Do I really have that? Is it something else? AND, NO ! HE DID NOT PREFORM THE CELIAC TEST! which I asked for? I am not! happy! with the service.attention. lack of answers.

I want to know:
WHAT I HAVE?
WHAT IS MY DIAGNOISES?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE?
WHY DID HE PRESCRIBE THESE MEDICATIONS?
WHY AM I IN SO MUCH PAIN WHEN I EAT?
WHAT CAN I EAT?
WHEN I AM IN PAIN FROM EATING WHAT DO I TAKE TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY???

Why did he say I have CROHNS? And then say I have IBS? Do I have both? One or the other? What is the PROGNOSIS? Is there a diet? Why anti-anxiety? Why not anti-gas medication?WTF! I HAVE NO ANSWERS… I am more lost and confused than before!

The ONLY good news is I ATE FOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!! I’ll suffer whatever consequences I have to. or, none at all hopefully.

Well its 10pm, I have work tomorrow and laundry to fold before bed, fuck! What the hell?

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Today is the day, before my procedure. I have to s…

Posted on October 11, 2006 by Meleah

Today is the day, before my procedure. I have to spend the day on clear liquids, I have to start all this at 230pm, to take the following:

345pm: 1 zelnorm
400pm: 1 ½ oz of Fleet Phosho-Soda mixed with 4oz of water
(with in 30 minuets it shoots through your body clearing out any and everything that is in your digestive track , and, I have been told, tastes HORRIBLE)
700pm: 1 zelnorm
800pm: 4 dulcolax laxative pills

I will be spending the afternoon and night in my bathroom with the 3 boxes of baby wiped and new super soft toilet paper, flushing out every thing that’s in my body, so excuse me if I don’t answer my phone, IM, or email anyone as I am sure to be incapacitated chained to the bowl.

I can not have anything food / or liquids after midnight, and my procedure isn’t until 1pm tomorrow. So, I think? I hope! my last day of liquids is today? Tomorrow is another “pure fasting NO FOOD OR LIQUID day” and I look forward to some sort of substance food by Friday?? (that cookie was GOOD last night, left me wanting more, no I didn’t have more, and no, luckily, I didn’t have any pain, but I cheated and ate a Maalox max just in case, to prevent the creeping in of pain)

Last night I was so annoyed.pissed.dissappointed. by the fact that HOUSE was not on?! BASEBALL took precedence over HOUSE? Fuck you FOX! Fuck you MLB! Can’t we put SPORTS (all sports)on their OWN channel and stay away from interrupting my programs?! My other options were Dancing with the Stars? Oh hell no! I love American Idol, and I like So You Think You Can Dance, (shut up! I am lame!) but I draw the line at watching Dancing with the Stars!!!

I accidentally fell into the movie Under the Tuscan Sun, which was surprisingly good. I think it’s also book and I’m sure the book will be even better than the movie… (note to self add to the ever growing book ‘wish list’)

I want to say SORRY to my long-lost friend LEE (from cascade) who has been tying with no success to reach me on the phone. I promise to get back to you over the weekend!!!

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Also today, I went a bunch of websites to learn ab…

Posted on October 10, 2006 by Meleah

Also today, I went a bunch of websites to learn about the Crohn’s disease. There is a lot of information, but, I still could not find what I am looking for.

I did not find out, what, while having an “attack” of inflamed intestines, WHAT I can eat. It has been 8 days, with out a SOLID MEAL. I am pale, lethargic, drained, clumsy, angry, tired, and beaten the fuck down completely. I have to get through tomorrow on a clear liquid diet, fleet soda, and 4 laxatives prior to Thursday’s biopsy, camera, tube, body invasion, then; I have to get through Thursday…

Maybe, I can EAT by Friday? A meal? A sandwich? Something? Please! I am STARVING!!

I did find out some interesting facts, like my food allergy onset at the age of 27, may have been an indicator, or preview, to the disease.

I have BOTH problems, so, basically, every time I eat, it’s a gamble. Every time I eat I will have to wonder….Will I have an allergic reaction? Will I have a Crohn’s painful attack? hmm… wait a few hours and see if the coast is clear…or end up in hospital bed?

Yeah, um, I used to just struggle with hating my hair… I can’t even manage my hair, how am I supposed to manage a disease? Now that food, not my hair, is the enemy, I have no idea what to do. At least I will have a doctor, a trained professional making my food decisions for me, kind of like I wish I had a hair assistant on call 24-7.

Plus, the fact that smoking is apparently the worst thing I can do with this disease, people with Crohn’s suffer more often, and have more painful attacks than non-smoking carriers. So, I have to seriously evaluate a “quitting plan” and soon… I have been a smoker since I was 13 years old; quitting is going to be HARD as HELL.

Oh, well, that is all for today, I am home, PISSED OFF B/C NO HOUSE?! IS ON TV TONIGHT? OR TOMORROW? BECAUSE OF BASEBALL?! Damn! I thought they blacked out baseball games, one year? Oh, well, I am too tired to think up anything funny, smart, or even cognitive.

Thank you! Everyone! For being so thoughtful! and supportive! I am lucky to have the greatest friends/family..

(PS… Justin’s first student council meeting went well, I am so proud of him.)

PPS, I JUST ATE A COOKIE, JUST ONE SINGLE COOKIE, I HAD TO!

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Last night I ended my birthday

Posted on October 9, 2006 by Meleah

Last night I ended my birthday with the movie WALK THE LINE, excellent, especially since I had no idea who the fuck Johnny Cash was, but, sappy, pathetic, hopeless romantic me, liked the romantic side of the story.

I was going to save the movie, to watch with the aspiring singer my BFF but, I needed something to distract me… (don’t be mad, I cheated on you with a movie… ha ha ha)

I read the first 3 chapters of NEVER HAVE YOUR DOG STUFFED by ALEN ALDA, and I must say (so far) it is hysterical, light hearted, funny, entertaining, emotional, and prolific, on really heavy subjects… I am, officially in love, with that book.

Today, not so good, went to GI doctor, and was told I have CROHN’S DISEASE,as a clear diagnose… I am not going into that too much, I can’t read about it, learn about it, think about it, until after Thursday. I have 2 extremely invasive tests, and biopsy’s, to endure, and, I am still on that “liquid diet”…anyone who needs to loose 15 pounds in 7 days, may I suggest: the 7 day straight chicken broth remedy, accompanied with a nasty intestinal disorder…I promise you’ll fit in your “goal jeans” in no time.

In “other news” I was flagged down on the road by “Joe-cop” while I was on the way to my doctors appt today, and, while he was on call (lights, sirens, uniform, handcuffs and gun ablaze) to stop some one on the railroad tracks…that’s when he pulled me over, and I was given a private! copy! of HIS manuscript! Some of the excerpts from some of the stories he’s written!!!… (A good read in the doctors’ office while worrying about my “fate” or lack there of, I certainly think about SOCKS much differently now!)

Okay, okay, in seriousness, I am a little scared, about that whole disease thing, just that WORD, “disease” PISSES.ME.OFF. but, what can I do? Listen and follow doctors orders, um… okay… I have issues with orders, but, this, calls for an exception.

Mom and/or Dad are taking me on Thursday, to said biopsy/invasive camera, tube action, and maybe then, I’ll be nervous. Right now, I am just tired; I have no patience, tolerance, or endurance. (Not eating a MEAL in seven days, can / does / will cause black spots to appear before your eyes every time you stand up. Dizziness is inevitable, reflexes sluggish, mind turning to oatmeal)

I am supposed to IM people tonight, I am supposed to do 50 things, all I CAN do is write this, hope everyone forgives me for ‘ignoring them.”

PS, I am an alcoholic, destined for Alzheimer’s, suffering from Crohn’s, covered in stretch marks, yeah, a real “catch”… not to mention that emotional baggage I carry so obviously in my every day life… Wedding bells? Anyone?

PS: Justin had his 1st real TRUMPET lessons today, and tomorrow he has his first of THIS year’s Student Council meeting, I have to have him AT SCHOOL AT 645am, which is a 530 am wake up call to me… GO JUSTIN.. tired mommy)

Posted in TV and Movies | 9 Comments

HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME ($35.00)

Posted on October 8, 2006 by Meleah

I love Barnes and Noble

Posted in Life | 12 Comments

HOLY SHIT

Posted on October 7, 2006 by Meleah

Holy shit

I decided to clean up, no organize, my room, or, at least, sort through some of the boxes with the papers and journals and poems that I’ve been keeping since I was nine.

My once clean room:

Now looks like this:

I found some interesting items and a ton of memories, some, not so pleasant memories.

Well, I did find a pile(s) of paper in folder(s) of some “book(s)” I was writing when I waaaaay younger. There are about 3 ideas, all from 3 different ages.

The 1st “book” idea I came across, I must have written when I was about 11 or 12, it is all about, when my brother and I were younger. I was 11, my brother was 9 and we moved from Monroe NJ to Kingwood NJ: I tried scanning what I have typed on college lined 3 hole punched notebook paper, and I even tried taking a close up picture of it, but it didn’t work out very well….

Here’s an excerpt:
PAGE 1:“My brother and I were going through the same fears about going to a new school. Who would hang out with us? Who would we sit next to on the bus? Who would we eat lunch with? What should we ware on the first day of school? As the days and nights drew closer to the first day of school, my brother and I began to talk, I so needed him to understand the way I felt. My brother not only understood, but listened to me, with his whole heart. That gave me a certain sense of reassurance. In the midst of all these fears and anxieties, our rooms were being decorated as well. It was nice to know that eventually, our rooms would look normal, instead of the dungeon like resemblance they had now. But, there was also something nerve racking, in the process of getting from point A to point B. What if we were disturbing the dead people who roamed our house? My step father filled out heads with the insane thoughts of lost spirits being trapped. I really want interested, at this point in my life, with fucking with the dead. There was nothing that could be done though, to soothe these thoughts from my mind. Between school and the dead people I was feeling on the brink of a serious emotional strain. Not even the love of my brother could make any less of those feelings. I spent days on the phone with friends back at my old house, but that only seemed to make matters worse. They would all be starting school together soon, finding out who was going to be in whose class, with what friends. I only began to feel more alone. END OF PAGE 1

There is like 33, yes 33, typed pages… (it’s writen in a child’s voice, because I was a CHILD when I wrote it, and I do remember the MOVE and that HOUSE (possibly possesed) and the NEW SCHOOL all being so horrible for me, it landed me in the Carrier Foundation mental institute, on Lithium by age 12)hmm… another book another time

Then I found an outline? I think? Of when I was on road trip number two cross country, which I am soooo glad I found an OUTLINE? because the journals are very faded, dirty, raggedy, old, been through hell, mostly illegible due to the drug / alcohol consumption at that particular point my life… but it breaks down ages 16 and 17, when I hitch hiked cross country, ran away from home, its in a form of almost a dated time line, of where I was and when and with who. There is even a key, a “de-coder” if you will, of the nicknames I used in my journals to identify the real person I was writing about properly. I must have done that when I was 17, RIGHT when I retuned home to NJ and it was fresh in my head.

And, then, I found, what is over 250 pages, of my high school years, in a private, reform, semi-military, mostly cult like, boarding school. Including the parent handbook of rules, and the student handbook of rules, which, what a surprise, are very different!

Plus, there are the OTHER years beinf used for my bok, which are all in journals now tossed all over my house.

Needless to say, I have a million ideas, a million things I have been trying to say for years to a million people, apparently.

Only thing is, I know WHAT I want to write, I just don’t know HOW to write… thank you internet, with your multitude of tools to study, learn, create… in the meantime, I have more sorting, piling, organizing, and cleaning this mess up!!

Oh god, and tomorrow is my damn birthday…

PS… I ate a “meal” crackers w/ jelly which only made me sick with diarrhea, so no, I am not better, but I ate and I didn’t have the PAIN)

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I managed to eat and successfully digest 3 small s…

Posted on October 6, 2006 by Meleah

I managed to eat and successfully digest 3 small slices of bread; I wrote 3 new business accounts for my father, while working at home 4 hours on Thursday and another 4 hours on Friday. Of course, I had to stop, while working, and take naps after I would complete a single task, because being starving makes you nauseous, gives a dull and noticeable blinding headache behind your eyes, leaves you very exhausted, making things even more difficult to accomplish. (How the hell do these models or other anorexic people live? Or think clearly? Ever?)

I haven’t taken a single percosette for all of Thursday or Friday. To distract myself from the physical pain, I finished reading Towel Head over night (which I think gave me bad dreams, it’s an excellent book, I can see why it took three years to write, tough material.)

I am scared about the GI specialist visit on Monday, I am sure he will evaluate the situation, prescribe medications, place me on some restrictive diet, (like chicken broth, and white rice hasn’t been restrictive) and order a slew of really NASTY tests I am / have been dreading for months. I have no idea what to expect or, what is going to happen in the future, I just hope! what ever is wrong, can be fixed quickly and easily?

Well, its Friday, I am still sick, slow witted, and I have the attention span of a fly, but I didn’t puke, die, or writhe in pain (so far) today. That counts as a good day in my book!

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