I have mentioned before that if it was socially acceptable to live in pajamas in all circumstances, in all places, I would. I have also mentioned that I don’t feel comfortable in “girly” attire. It’s one thing to rock some great jeans and a fantastic top, but an entirely different thing to sport a skirt and pantyhose. I am just not that girl. I will do almost anything to avoid circumstances that require the aforementioned clothing.
I may have also mentioned that I am not what you would call an aspiring business woman. Nor do I like to embark upon real business meetings, with real company people, who are adults that know how to act properly, when I am always just a few inches away from being the proverbial foot in mouth.
However, I have a very important company meeting to attend today, and my usual waiter-esque-uniform that I normally wear to the office just doesn’t bode well for the country club and winery I will be gracing with my presence with.
Knowing that I will be in a typical panic over what to wear coupled with my bloated, swollen, PMS (all the rage in my hormones), I decided it would be wise to prepare my attire for the said event, last night ‘pre-picking’ my outfit.
As, I stood in the doorway of my closet, looking at all of the things I hate; I took my time staring long and hard at all of my options. First, I tried on a lovely spring pale grey suit. Not a suit with a skirt. It’s feminine enough without being a skirt, and hey now! bonus! The grey suit would not require that I shave any part of my body. (That’s one of the benefits of not dating, and being alone, not having to shave, ever. Unless ya know, it gets gross.)
Then I found a few tops that I could get away with wearing under the jacket. Fine. But, after trying the whole outfit on, to make sure that this will work for the day’s event, I noticed water stains? Around the ankles of my pants.
The last time I had worn that suit was back in the middle of winter to some crazy benefit, or birthday party, with my best friend, at the Patriots Theatre. The snow, the salt, the climbing in and out of cars and buildings must have caused stains on the pants that I am sure could have been removed by any dry cleaner. But I didn’t have that kind of time.
Instead I tried rinsing the bottom of the pants in cold water in my bathroom sink and tossing them into the dryer. (word to the unwise…(such as myself) when light grey dry clean only pants get wet then placed in a dryer, it only made the stains bigger and worse.)
*sigh*
Well, maybe people wont notice? Why will people be looking at my feet anyway? I have two huge distractions way up here on my chest. No one will see my ankles right?
Then I noticed the hem on one leg, (on the very same water, salt, snow stained pants) had come undone.
Here’s a big surprise; I don’t sew. I don’t even own the necessary equipment to sew with. (christ, I just learned how to iron a few months ago.) But, I think? I can get around that issue too right? A few safety pins and some scotch tape, and my pants were fake all better.
Then came the shoes, which presented with an even more taxing problem. The scuffed, faded, old ass, five inch, black, Mary Jane heels that were once fantastic, are now just an eyesore. Oh, but I can fix that too right? With no shoe polish or anything of the like, I took a fat black sharpie permanent magic marker and colored in the scuffed parts. But when the colored ink dried, the shoe was noticeably different tones of black. And the colored in part was much shinier. So, I colored in the whole shoe with the ever so magic marker; that would just have to do the job.
An hour later, I stood in front of my full-length mirror judging myself angrily. I realized just how ridiculous it was for me to be attempting to wear scotch taped, safety pinned, water, salt, snow stained pants with shoes that would probably melt as soon as they hit the morning rain. And more than likely the ink would run into the bottom of the pants creating more stains, stains that cannot be removed by a drycleaner. For just a second, I considered the unthinkable, the mall.
But then I considered my bank account and stayed home.
Back in my closet with limited choices, that would accommodate both a professional appearance and the comfortablility I require, I undertook the game I like to call, “lets-try-everything-in-my-closet-on-my-body” challenge.
Oh the fun, in flinging things onto the closet floor, strewn across my bedroom, and stomped on, after being annoyed with them. The rest of my suits (all of which are pants) are winter suits, very winterish.
Even when I tried on tops in the colors pink, yellow, purple to spring / summer up the look, I still only had boots for shoes to match those suits. I’m sorry, but even I know you can’t wear boots during the month of June.
Unless it is snowing.
As an added pleasure for my son, not only did he witness my hysteria but was called upon in-between each and every outfit change to help me decide what is, and what is not acceptable for a corporate setting. He rejected any and all outfits that were questionable or whore-iffic. (Nice job buddy!) 16 tops, bottoms, pants, shirts, shoes and I still had nothing to wear.
The only possible and remotely decent outfit consists of a skirt. A skirt, which means I do have to shave my legs. And there goes the idea of being comfortable at all. Great.
While you guys are reading this, I am spending the day wishing I was someone else, wearing something else, doing something else, driving far away to some place I never heard of, to a city I never heard of, for some big time insurance to-do, where I have no professional aspirations. Right. Now I just have to remember to smile, keep my mouth shut, and which fork to use before gorging myself on a free continental breakfast.
On the plus side, I have super smooth legs right now and I was forced to polish my toes that will be seen in public. They look pretty.
Here I am looking like I am about to celebrate Easter and you don’t want to miss the photo that includes my pasty white legs, or the broken window treatments in the background of my kitchen. It’s the only room in my house with any decent lighting)
Now I have to deal with my make up and my hair… but that is another post in itself.
