As some of you may have noticed by the all too superficial posts as of late (and my lack of commenting) I have not been feeling ‘like myself’. Not that I am feeling like someone else, because who else would I be? [* wishing I was
Warning: Here is where I will [whine, bitch & moan] ramble on incoherently for the next few paragraphs.
Run. Save yourselves now.
*If are interested in LAUGHING, may I suggest clicking HERE. (Trust me. Its worth it.)
I have been extremely tired, for no apparent reason. I cannot get out of bed in the morning. No, it’s not just because I abuse the snooze button, or because my bed is entirely too comfortable. Nor have I been going to bed at ungodly hours. But, on more than one occasion over the last few weeks, I literally have to argue with myself to GET UP AND FUNCTION. And then I can’t seem to WAKE UP or SNAP OUT OF IT all day.
I feel like everything is moving in slow motion.
My office has been in a perpetual state of down time. This is not the ‘busy season’ we anticipated. The hands on the clock seem to stand perfectly still, providing me: The Longest Days Ever. Even when my time is peppered with [stressful] fun-filled tasks outside my realm of capabilities, breaking up the monotony…I simply loathe being in an office. Any office.
I am sure that is a major contributing factor to the ‘I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE’ feeling. [However, I can’t think of anything else that I WANT to do which will realistically pay my bills.] The only thing that’s been a motivational factor to leave my house, battle traffic, and sit idle at a desk all day, is hanging on to the single thought, ‘I am going to work today for the health benefits’. [Taking a part time job, or cutting my hours in the office, to free up my life will not provide the same MUCH NEEDED benefits I currently have.]
Nevertheless, it is becoming increasingly difficult to do my job when I am so painfully uninspired. (And, bored.to.death.) I think? I am becoming unjustifiably resentful.
I will never be someone with the drive to climb a corporate ladder. I have absolutely no desire. I will never be one of those 60-80 hour work week types. And I don’t want to be. I am just not built that way.
There are certain people who Never Miss A Day Of Work, Come In Early, and Stay Late. That will never be me. (At least not while enduring my current profession.)
I used to care. A
It is not like anything has changed in my office. My job is still the same, the people are still the same, and I really do love who I work with and who I work for. In this day and age I am LUCKY to be employed…but I have no passion whatsoever for the insurance industry. Sorry.
As I sit at my desk, I catch myself daydreaming a lot. I’ve spent my days thinking about all of the OTHER THINGS I’d like to be doing instead of being chained to this cubical.
Imagining some other ‘fake’ life that I wish I had. I say ‘fake’ life because for some reason, I don’t think the life I want to have (or think I want to have) is close to reality based.
– But, that’s why it’s called day dreaming.
No, I do not sit around dreaming about becoming the next lottery winner, or anything that grandiose, but I certainly think about a life that includes financial security.
I have also been daydreaming about the ‘perfect relationship’. Or at best ‘my version’ of the perfect relationship.
As lame, and trite, and as ancient as this may sound, I really do just want someone to Take Care Of Me. [yes, yes, in a perfect world, of course they have to really love me and I have to really love them, and all that jazz…blah blah blah. I have to be able to take care of myself – but, I have been doing that since I was 17. Quite frankly, I am done with that.]
But, Yes. I want one of those 1950’s husband types. Yanno? The kind that says, “No woman of mine will work.” Where can I find me one?
I would LOVE to be able to stay home. I don’t understand when people say, “Wont you get bored?’ Or, “That would drive me nuts.”
No. Way.
Not. Me.
I could spend The. Rest. Of. My. LIFE. … At Home.
I actually want to be just a little ‘Suzie homemaker-esq’. I already LOVE to clean. I’d love to learn how to cook. I already love to do the laundry; I could learn to love food shopping. Maybe I would take a writing course, or finally schedule all those Mac Classes. The freedom to have the time to take a nap, or read a book, or holy shit…WRITE MY BOOK, or even just go to the gym. I long for the days when I can meet my girlfriends for lunch at the country club.
* Like I said…I’ve been day dreaming.
When I look at my brothers and their wives, with their beautiful babies, they have a seemingly grand life. I know its VERY hard raising children, being married, and the stress that brings to the table. But, when I see the pictures of them – in all that family bliss – I get a little teary eyed. Some of those tears are because I am genuinely happy for them, but more so because I feel like I missed out.
My childhood was nothing like the ones my brothers are giving their children. And, I certainly did not provide that sort of life for my own son.
I am not guilt ridden over my failings as a parent. (at least not anymore) As it turns out, I have a pretty amazing son.
Besides, I am too old to start having brand new babies. I am not interested in surrendering my soon to be freedom to a Newborn. I can’t even IMAGINE going back to the car seats, diapers, strollers, pacifiers, and
On the other hand, if I didn’t start out as parent as early on in life as I did, or if things had just been a little different, I would have liked to try my hand at the sort of life my brothers are living.
I do know for certain that I would LOVE to be living the ‘Life Of Leisure’ my girlfriend
(I must still be daydreaming.)
Oh well, that’s enough miserable drivel for one day.
I am going back to my desk to stare blankly into rating screens and day dream about being ‘rescued’ by the perfect man complete with the ideal life.
Maybe something wonderfully unexpected will happen soon.
I think I just really need a Vacation.
Instead of daydreaming, how about looking fondly to your expected future. YOU deserve to have that life you want its not just a dream life. Its there waiting for you. In your mind, make it a reality. This way when it does happen #1. its not a shocker, and #2.it will help bring you closer to that goal. I told you of the endless nights I prayed and prayed for what I have. Then one day it was right in front of me, as if I had willed it to happen. I know you’ve been trying this method and been unsuccessful. I know you might want to give up with it, because you haven’t seen results that are to your liking, BUT DONT GIVE UP ON IT. & Don’t forget there are still things that need to be changed in you before you can move forward. Though those changes need to happen naturally there are things you can do to speed up the process. The only thing holding you back is “the old Meleah”. I was so proud when you came to your senses with the whole danny thing, and I am not saying he is a bad guy, I dont even know him. I am just saying that the choice you made for YOU then, in that instance…proves you are willing to break free from that mold. So now break free all together. You arent magically going to feel comfortable being intimate with a stranger. Figure out what you can do about that, and those feelings. You need to be ready for this MR WONDERFUL. GET YOUR SELF READY. If there are things about yourself you simply cant stand…work on eliminating those traits. I dont know if I am even explaining this right…
I just think if you start planning for this LIFE you want. Preparing your mind body and soul, IT WILL HAPPEN SOONER THAN YOU THINK.
I see it for you!! Oh wait…thats just visions of us being together forever. Sorry wrong dream. hahhha. I love you.
if you can *happily* expect the wonderfully unexpected…it will come. 🙂
i talk a *lot* of crap, a *lot* of the time.
but not this time. 🙂
What you’re describing is not abnormal. Life can bring everyone down, more easily for some of us than others. Your hopes are not selfish. Most people want to be taken care of. Just don’t quit daydreaming. It will happen.
The BFF:
*sigh*
You know what I REALLY want…But, I dont know how to get it…I’ve tried everything. I am giving up … little by little… I may just surrender to living with my parents FOREVER with a JOB I cant stand…and never finishing my book. At least my FATHER makes me laugh.
Holly:
Thank you.
Terri:
All I have left is daydreaming. Maybe I am still getting over the fact / realization that I am SINGLE….AGAIN….and my life is NOTHING like I ever imagined it would be at this AGE.
Either that, or I am just getting really good at feeling sorry for myself. Too bad I am not willing to do all THAT much to change things.
I have worked HARD enough and LONG enough.
I’d love the same kind of guy. I’ve been holding it all together and taking care of myself since I was a kid. I’d love for someone to take care of me for a little while.
AntiBarbie:
Yes! See! Thank you.
Wouldn’t that be a nice change.
*sheesh*
I am exhausted.
Meleah: What you’re describing is a text book example of depression, and it’s not something you can just wish away sometimes. You really need to see your primary care physician, at least, and maybe get a referral to a specialist. If the depression is due to chemical imbalance it can be dangerous, and it won’t just go away.
With everything you have to deal with, depression is not really surprising. But the good news is you don’t have to feel like that any more. What may surprise you is that if you deal with the depression, you might even start liking your job again. OK, OK, that’s stretching just a bit. But at least it might not drive you to distraction.
Keep your chin up, kiddo. Spring is coming and the world is always a much more pleasant place when you’re not freezing your butt off.
Yes, what Lee said. I can help you find help if you’d like. Or just listen – I’m always a phone call, email or IM away.
It’s totally normal not to like your job, btw. It’s something everyone goes through, even people who work from home.
LOVE YOU! going back to my pile of tissues and cough medicine now…
Meleah I have to agree with Lee. I have suffered this kind of depression for years. Mostly it’s a winter thing and it passes. I’ve tried the drugs… they made me numb so I choose to just deal with it. Half the problem is feeling like you have nothing to look forward to and the sameness of everyday life.
Hopefully it’s just winter blues and will pass…
PS… Newfie men love women who just want to stay home and cook and clean 😉 😉
Hi Meleah, Are you sure I didn’t write part of this post? Cause it sure sounds a helluva lot like where I’m at in life too. I feel EXACTLY the same way about my job and stay here for the benefits only. I know I could squeak by on less income, but its those dang benefits that keep me here!!!
We do have a lot in common…including having wonderful sons that are being raised “non-traditionally” but still turning out well.
I hope we both have your daydream come true 🙂
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER
never
never
never
give up.
Lee:
While I appreciate your thoughts, I am NOT about to take another pill. Especially an unnecessary one. I already take far too many medications as it is for my Crohn’s.
I have been in THERAPY since I was 8 years old….I am all good in that department. I dont need /want yet another shrink to spit out text book ideas / solutions. I am CLOSED OFF to the idea of seeing any sort of therapist/doctor/shrink/whatever…
I just want a man to take care of me (and LOVE ME) and to be able to stay at home….to write, and ENJOY my life, rather than being forced to sit at a DESK.
I REALLY don’t think that qualifies as being DEPRESSED. But Thanks.
Leslie:
Its always nice to know you are in my corner. No doctor needed. (for me) Please feel better darling. I love you.
Barbara:
It is HARD to stay when I am so UNINSPIRED to be here….but yeah, health benefits RULE. My meds would be THOUSANDS of dollars otherwise.
Here’s to our good kids. *cheers*
Dawn:
Please send me a “Newfie” man… STAT!
You said it…
“Half the problem is feeling like you have nothing to look forward to and the sameness of everyday life.”
Yes… that is so dead on accurate. I feel like a MACHINE. Not a person. All day, everyday, the same thing over and over and over… I CANNOT do THIS for another 30 years. No way. I need to LIVE and ENJOY my life rather than be forced to do things I hate. GAH.
BFF:
Its hard, when I am LOW in the HOPE department.
I didn’t mean you need a doctor. Try something weird for me. If you had the kind of depression I think you might, this will help. Buy a sunlight lamp or a tanning membership. If you get the little desktop sunlight lamp, get some full face exposure for a few minutes a day. If tanning – go for a short while once a week. If you have SAD (seasonal affective disorder, or the winter blues) this will fix you right up. 😉 No doctor needed.
I am totally down with Tanning as a cure! 🙂
Bossy agrees- never underestimate the dreariness of winter.
All the “don’t worry, honey, it’s ok” responses only make it worse. It isn’t ok. Not because I say so, but because you say so. You aren’t where you want to be in life by your own admission so it ain’t ok.
“However, I can’t think of anything else that I WANT to do which will realistically pay my bills.”
Your logic is out of whack. You seem to only work if you get paid for it. You won’t get far with that. Your 9 to 5 is what pays the bills. What you do beyond this is your future. If all this you do outside the 9 to 5 is bitch and watch TV, well that’s your future.
“I have to be able to take care of myself – but, I have been doing that since I was 17. Quite frankly, I am done with that.”
Quite frankly if you actually had been taking care of yourself, then you wouldn’t be bitching. My guess is that you’ve been doing everything but take care of yourself. Yes, you survived. And yes, that is something. But far from taking care of yourself.
“The freedom to have the time to take a nap, or read a book, or holy shit…WRITE MY BOOK, or even just go to the gym.”
The reality is that if you ain’t doing it now, you won’t be doing it then. If you can’t manage your time now, you won’t manage it any better with more of it. If you can’t manage your money now, you won’t manage it any better with more of it. If you can’t manage love now, you won’t manage it any better with more of it.
Think about someone who is learning to juggle and starts with three balls. Will throwing another ball or two in the mix help? Get your shit together with the three balls first.
“I would have liked to try my hand at the sort of life my brothers are living. … I do know for certain that I would LOVE to be living the ‘Life Of Leisure’ my girlfriend Jennifer is currently experiencing.”
Why are you so interested in everyone else’s life except your own? Everyone has problems, myself included. We either learn to deal with them or we don’t. They may have great lives, but it is their lives respectively, not yours. You nor I will ever have what they have. We will only have what we make. You cannot compare two people’s lives with each other. The best life is the one you own. So own up to your life and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.
And now I’m reminded that my friend from Jersey was the one who actually said that very thing to me. I went to music school right out of high school and used to watch these incredible musicians practicing in the practice rooms all the time. My friend from Jersey sees me one day and says that very thing: Greg, don’t worry about what they are doing, worry about what you’re doing.
On Depression:
Depression is a medical term created by the pharmaceutical companies to push drugs to people who are too afraid to get off their ass and do something with their life. Life can be fucking scary. But once you get involved, there is nothing else like it.
The mistake most people make is thinking that passion is something that arrives in the mail one day. It doesn’t. Passion comes from habit. Habit comes from hard work. There is no shortcut. You want to finish your book? Then get off your ass and finish it. You want to exercise? Get off your ass and exercise. You want more money? Get off your ass and work harder.
Your body will ache, complain, and rebel. All you can do is try to get some rest and start over the next day. Success is all about doing what you have to do every day, not about doing what you want to do.
(fuck, got interrupted, what was I saying?)
“I actually want to be just a little ‘Suzie homemaker-esq’.”
So why not just get a job as a maid? It will have better job security, because someone that can afford to support you like that can afford to hire a maid. What will you offer beyond services that can be paid for?
That’s some really cold shit, huh? Doesn’t make it false. During my past month of internal exploration, I rediscovered that passion is what attracts people to each other. Looking hot helps, but age will wipe that away and new beauty will be sought. The only thing that can never be bought is passion.
I’ve recently stated that people are superficial. We are attracted by wrappers, get involved, and then discover what’s inside. Most people don’t have a lot inside and rely on their wrappers. Eventually the wrapper goes away and they have nothing left to offer.
All of us are the same. I’m not anything special. You aren’t anything special. The person reading this isn’t anything special. It’s what we do that makes us special. So everything I write here, I constantly tell myself. And everything I write here, I would say to everyone else that asks. We are all the same. I love sitting on my ass, and getting off of it really sucks sometimes. But I know if I want, then I must do.
If you really need to bitch about something, then start bitching about how tough it is to exercise, how much trouble you are having actually writing your book, or in other words, you can still bitch, but just do something while you bitch.
And don’t buy into the “it’s not your fault” because it isn’t my fucking fault. The good news is that most of us, even the most successful of us, fuck up more than not. It is the ability to wake up the next day and force yourself to continue that makes the difference. So get off your ass and do one sit-up, write one sentence, and go outside and just look around. Tomorrow bump it up a bit.
And now I must go torment someone else, but I’ll leave you with this: http://gregbecerra.blogspot.com/2008/02/ask-your-pusher.html.
Comments from BOSSY make me smile….
Greg:
You are inItalics and I am in regular font:
“You aren’t where you want to be in life by your own admission so it ain’t ok”.
– It is NOT OKAY. You are right. I am NOT satisfied with where my life is.
“If all this you do outside the 9 to 5 is bitch and watch TV, well that’s your future.”
-You said IF that’s what I do…and you would be WRONG. I do NOT spend my evenings BITCHING and watching TV. so. um, no…
“Yes, you survived. And yes, that is something. But far from taking care of yourself.”
Um. Again, I disagree. I have taken care of myself since I was 17. No I have not spoiled myself, and yes maybe I have spent more time on the survival side…but nonetheless, I have taken care of myself for a VERY LONG TIME.
I took care of myself and a child…ALONE.
“The reality is that if you ain’t doing it now, you won’t be doing it then. If you can’t manage your time now, you won’t manage it any better with more of it”
Said the guy who DOES work from home. And CAN make his OWN schedule not dictated by society.
It’s not about time management. I am very structured and stick to a rigid schedule. Um, I am sacrificing 2 hours A DAY just driving to and from work… that’s just wasted time I cant get back OR do anything productive…(since I am busy yanno DRIVING) so how would you ADD 2 extra hours to my life? Hmm??
“If you can’t manage your money now, you won’t manage it any better with more of it.”
I am EXCELLENT at managing my money. I managed to pay over 3000 a month in bills on 2000 income. For YEARS. I just went without spoiling myself…
AND NOW, I WANT TO BE SPOLIED…Spoiled ROTTEN. I deserve it.
“Why are you so interested in everyone else’s life except your own?”
They have what I want.
“Depression is a medical term created by the pharmaceutical companies to push drugs to people who are too afraid to get off their ass and do something with their life”
Okay… I agree with THAT one. Sort of. I do know real people that are ‘clinically depressed’ and I have seen them OFF their medications. Not. Pretty.
But I do not think (by any stretch of the imagination) that I am depressed. I may have the blues, or “A mean case of the Reds” right now…but depressed? Nope.
“You want to finish your book? Then get off your ass and finish it.”
Funny you should say that as I started that this week.
“You want to exercise? Get off your ass and exercise.”
I already do. My mother and I joined the gym. (you were on hiatus when I signed up and probably missed that tidbit) But I go to the gym 3x’s a week: Tuesday, Thursday’s & Saturday’s at night…which CUTS into the time I would like to spend writing. Since my JOB hogs my whole damn day.
“You want more money? Get off your ass and work harder.”
No see. I DON’T WANT TO. I have worked LONG and HARD enough. I am done. I have paid my dues in life. I say so. The end.
“So why not just get a job as a maid?”
I don’t want to clean OTHER PEOPLES houses, just my own…and there are No health benefits.
“because someone that can afford to support you like that can afford to hire a maid. What will you offer beyond services that can be paid for?”
hell yeah…that would be nice a HUSBAND and a MAID…now your talking…
whatever ‘services’ are requested will be fulfilled….as long as ALL of MY needs are met, then all of HIS needs will be met. 🙂
“Looking hot helps”
Looks have NOTHING to do with any of this.
“You aren’t anything special.”
Yes. I am. I am MORE than just a wrapper.
“I love sitting on my ass, and getting off of it really sucks sometimes.”
I would just like the opportunity to DO just that. Sit.On.My.Ass. Even if its only for a week.
“If you really need to bitch about something, then start bitching about how tough it is to exercise, how much trouble you are having actually writing your book, or in other words, you can still bitch, but just do something while you bitch.”
Now THAT I can do…and will do.
“So get off your ass and do one sit-up, write one sentence, and go outside and just look around.”
I don’t sit on my ass enough. Maybe that’s the PROBLEM. I never get to STOP. And BE. Or co-exist. I always have something to do, and I always DO IT. And now…I want a fucking break.
“because someone that can afford to support you like that”
….yeah…WHERE /WHO IS THAT? And HOW can I GET THAT?
I’m not going to pretend to have any advice for you. I go through “funks” a lot and it just takes time for them to pass. I’m not passing this off as a “funk”, but hopefully that’s the case and you’ll be smiling again soon.
If it makes you feel better, now I’M depressed because you got Bossy love and I didn’t. Dang.
Aww… Momo.
Thank you. Im just tired and need a vacation and apparently some sunlight.
Dont hate on the BOSSY love…At least you will get to SEE BOSSY live and in person on her kick ass road trip. [insert my own jealous rage].
xxoo
I have taken care of myself since I was 17
Taking care of yourself is like taking care of a plant. The plant should thrive and become full. You are saying you are not full. And then you are simply using the term “taking care of yourself” to mean what I mean by “survive”. Fine I can switch this and say I’m playing with the definitions, but we must get past the words. You are saying that you are not where you want to be, and I am saying that this is because you haven’t been doing what needed to be done since you have been “taking care of yourself”.
Yes, I know that survival takes a lot of time. But other people manage to do it and even with more obstacles.
Said the guy who DOES work from home.
So I should know what I’m talking about, huh? Without a college degree I went from nothing all on my own, to having a music career which didn’t fully satisfy me. To building a technology career. And now I’ve given that up to raise my kids and explore writing. This is my third time starting over. It’s scary as hell and I have to tell myself every day what I am writing here.
I am EXCELLENT at managing my money.
Aren’t there a few posts around here complaining about money?
AND NOW, I WANT TO BE SPOLIED…Spoiled ROTTEN. I deserve it.
Why do you deserve it any more than anyone else? This ignores the fact that deserve has nothing to do with it.
Funny you should say that as I started that this week.
Remind me to ask you about this in a month.
No see. I DON’T WANT TO. I have worked LONG and HARD enough. I am done. I have paid my dues in life. I say so. The end.
If I translate this then it because: I’m satisfied with where I am now. But you said you are not satisfied. So you are in a contradiction. The end means that you are at your high point now and will now slowly decline.
Yes. I am. I am MORE than just a wrapper.
Two different thoughts here. None of us are special. We all think we are. There is nothing significantly different between each of us. We are the same. Only when we act do we stand apart.
The other part about the wrapper applies to the depth of our character. We get lazy and rely on our wrappers and over time those close to us get bored with it. Under our wrappers are our strongest and weakest aspects.
Underneath is our passion if we’ve nurtured it through habit. Otherwise its quite dark. The question becomes, how much more than a wrapper are you, and is only for each of us to answer to ourselves. How much passion is under this wrapper? What are you passionate about? This is not to ask what do you talk about, but what do you act on with passion? What MUST you do every day?
And now…I want a fucking break
Give yourself a goal and a promise to take a break when you reach it.
When a person decides to stop, as in I have paid my dues in life, usually anger is the only way to get them up again. I’ll keep kicking you if you go down (you know what I mean), because that’s what I do. Otherwise people will continue and walk right over you. You can stop, but the world will keep going. If you refuse to continue to pay, the world will take it from you. You act as if any of us have a choice.
…I secretly worship GREG. (no really I do. i stalk his blog…don’t tell)
.
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Having said that, Mel honey what he said is harsh but true. And no one on this planet needed to hear his advice more than ME. I know how hard it is to actually verbalize what you want let alone the balls/drive to attain it, but the “want” is all you will ever have if you don’t make small (seemingly insignificant) steps to change your current situation. Don’t placate, don’t surrender, don’t give up on the idea that you could be/have/accomplish/deserve something better…The struggle is a bitch, but ultimately there ain’t no reward with out it. And by NO MEANS am I fucked-up enough to diminish the upward climb you’ve endured thus far–it has made you the woman you are today. I know you’re tired, but there is always another battle, another obstacle, another fear and this RUT you find your self in is one of them. Change something–anything, but the worst you can do is let it overwhelm you. PLEASE do not misunderstand my comments…I think you are an exceptional woman with so much MORE to accomplish….
…now if you excuse me, I have to go take a dose of my own medicine AND practice what I preach ‘cuz I’m on the EXACT situation as you. (The reason for the non-existent posts)
Feel free to delete my comments 🙂 you know I’ll still love ya’
Greg:
* Okay I am a survivor, whatever.
“This is my third time starting over.”
Well I wish I had the OPPORTUNITY to START OVER and try my hand at something different.
“Aren’t there a few posts around here complaining about money?”
Yeah. Cuz I didn’t make any…until I FINALLY got my raise this past January.
“Why do you deserve it any more than anyone else?”
Who said I deserve it more than anyone else? I am sure there are A LOT of people who deserve it…and I am one of them.
“Remind me to ask you about this in a month.”-The Book
I will.
“We get lazy and rely on our wrappers and over time those close to us get bored with it. Under our wrappers are our strongest and weakest aspects.”
I have to think about that before I answer that one.
“Give yourself a goal and a promise to take a break when you reach it.”
My goal, is to have a BREAK
“When a person decides to stop, as in I have paid my dues in life, usually anger is the only way to get them up again.”
I have way too much anger NOW. Let’s not even go ‘there’.
“I’ll keep kicking you if you go down (you know what I mean), because that’s what I do.”
And your are fabulous at that my friend. Thats what I LOVE about you.
“Otherwise people will continue and walk right over you.”
I am learning how to say NO and stand up for myself more. But, I do need work in that area. Yes.
…I’m scared now.
SomeGirl:
I toad-ily love Greg. Yeah, he is harsh , but he rocks and I can take it. (I think?)
Um. I would NEVER delete you / or a comment you make here. EVER.
Now… you said:
“don’t give up on the idea that you could be/have/accomplish/deserve something better…The struggle is a bitch, but ultimately there ain’t no reward with out it.”
I agree with that.
I have worked for everything in my life. Everything has been a struggle. and its all been worth it.
Lately, I just feel like I HAVE BEEN struggling and working so HARD for SO LONG…and now I wonder….for WHAT?
To be living with my parents at age 33? still single? complete with medical issues?
Well today I think that just BLOWS.
PS: DONT BE SCARED! xxoo xxoo xxoo xxoo xxoo xxoo
…phew!
I’m sorry for the BlowDay…Let’s blame it on GREG….JUST KIDDING! Don’t hurt me Greg.
Been feeling exactly the same way, having many of the same symptoms you are describing. I have been in a huge funk for a while now. I don’t consider myself depressed, just feeling like I lost myself a long time ago and trying to figure out what I need to be happy. Sometimes that makes me depressed but I don’t believe I am in a constant state of depression. I am now a “housewife” having lost my job and although I agree, it beats being stuck behind a desk all day, it is not the ideal picture you dream of either. I too, love cleaning, I am a good cook, I am very organized and great at keeping everything running. This house wife gig is right up my alley and I too, have dreamed of being June Cleaver. I am currently taking my naps, cooking, cleaning, etc. but it is tedious and lonely. You get no credit for anything you do, it is always simply taken for granted. It is very unfulfilling and repetitive. I used to meet friends for lunch (not at the country club mind you) but now they are all busy working and don’t have time for that even though I do. I think maybe some sort of part time work doing something you actually enjoy is the ideal situation. What I always tell myself and what I hope you will remember is, the grass is always greener…
MMM a nice surprise or something unexpected would help here or a vacation.. a liesurely wek or two somewhere..you ain’t alone goodlooking I have had times like that..wish I could do something to sanp you out of it..:)
Reading your blog I wanted to shake you and say “get over yourself, stop being so self indulgent, why is it all about YOU?” Trust your commenters, you are depressed, I would be too after 17 grand! Take the advice of those who love and know you and snap out of it !!! Great piece of writing hope it was fiction!
I bet Greg could kick Dr. Phil’s ass…..
Whether you want to hear it or not, I have to agree with the depression comments. Been there, done that. Sometimes, people don’t think it is depression if you aren’t in the corner, curled in a fetal position, blubbering and wailing–which I have done on numerous occasions–but depression CAN be nothing more than wanting to sleep and having your ‘get-up-and-go gone-up-and-went.’ Believe me, I have been at both extremes. Now, the meds helped me and they turned out to be shorter term than I expected. (However, I would use them for the rest of my life if I needed them–I would NEVER want to be back to where I was.) But, if you are suffering from SAD–seasonal affective disorder–a SAD light or tanning booth just might be enough to get you out of the doldrums. My opinion? Talk to your doctor. It took you a long time to find one you like and trust, so use him!
While I LOVE being a stay-at-home, I will parrot what Beth said: the grass is always greener… 🙂 Be well, my friend.
Well, I definitely don’t have the answer but I will say that “the best friend” is right about the fact that getting ready for the life you want – whatever that means to you in terms of preparation – somehow helps things along. I have no idea how, but have experienced it first-hand. And understanding that things happen in a certain order/at a certain time – the part that is the most difficult for me – although seemingly obvious, is a really important aspect of it all to keep at the forefront of your mind.
Just get really clear about what you want your life to look like, map out what its going to take to get yourself there…and go for it. It reminds me of that line in that John Cusack movie, “Better Off Dead”, when he asks his friend for help skiing the K12, and his friend says, “Just ski downhill really fast, and when something gets in your way…turn!” Sometimes the answer is as simple as that. 😉 xoxo
SomeGirl:
I can only hope Greg doesn’t “come after you”. He is a tough one. But he is GREAT. And you will benefit from his wisdom. I have.
Greg is a man with a HUGE heart….even though it may time a LONG TIME before you ever see it.
Beth
Thank you for another perspective on this issue. It is nice to hear from a SAHW
(SAHW= stay at home woman)
I dont think it would be all peaches and roses, and I know you never get ‘the credit you deserve’…but C’mon…. even you admit… It beats being BEHIND A DESK…and bent to the will of society.
I love you. Thank you for making me feel more normal.
Robert:
I put in for some VACATION time from work today…here’s hoping I get the time off I requested.
Thank you for being SUPPORTIVE and NOT jugemental.
You are awesome.
Redness
I will take the advice from the people here who KNOW ME, and Love Me…
Yeah. Um. And, I am NOT depressed.I just HATE MY JOB. And want a BREAK from REALITY for 5 minutes. or longer. like FOREVER.
Exposed:Greg could / should SO KICK Dr .Phil’s Ass. In A Second.
CMK:
Thank you for your brutally honest candor. I am so glad that you feel comfortable enough to open up to me / US/ and share all of that.
Maybe I do need to look at things in a different light?
HollyGL:
“Just get really clear about what you want your life to look like“
Oh I know EXACTLY what I want. Without question. Love you sweety. The BFf/Jen does have the life I want, she must know HOW TO GET IT.
my solution is simple,, if you can do it…work less… i know you love to buy stuff,, but sometimes sanity has no price… it is working for me…….
Let me just say that the way you described your job hit the nail on the head for me too. It hurts to read that but it’s so true.
I think we all want someone to be with us and take care of us to some degree. It’s hard going through it “alone.” There’s nothing wrong with this. God I hate where I am with life right now. Here’s to you busting out of it.
I think you’re just wondering: “Is this it? Is this all there is?” I am feeling exactly the same way at the moment. I have friends who don’t work, who own their own homes, and their life seems sweet. Of course, behind closed doors things are often different, but that’s another story.
I work long hours, yet I have very little to show for it. Sometimes it gets to me, especially when some people I know say : ‘So when are you going to buy a house?’ like I have a spare 700,000 stuffed under the mattress or something. When I complain about how tough life can be my friends and family say :”But you’re strong, you can cope with anything.” Trouble is, I’m tired of coping with everything. I appreciate what I have but at the same time I’m tired of the effort it takes to keep things on an even keel. Of course, life is a difficult journey but without laughs and periods of enjoyment those bumps in the road just get deeper and deeper. I know what you want because it’s what I want -just a little sign that things are going to get better.
Tonight I’m going to sit down with a pot of freshly brewed tea and pray the gods will send you a sign…..Also, if it helps at all, there are many, many people (myself included) who love you a great deal. Don’t ever forget that.
Yeah, I agree with Beth who said “the grass is always greener…”. Very true. I’ve tried both working from home and working outside. Honestly, when I’m doing one, I’ll long for the other.
And Greg really does have some good points (which I can probably learn from too). Everyone should have a friend like Greg.
Maybe you’re just tired because a flue pipe on your heater or water heater is leaking carbon monoxide. Haha, honestly! It happened to me once -tired ALL the time for like a month, came to find out my chimney was blocked… it was embarrassing considering I do heating and cooling for a living 😉
I would never have told my wife she would have to stay at home but I’m glad she does -from what I see though, most dudes don’t want any part of their girl “not working”. I do admit, it was nice when she was working (pre-babies), two incomes are always better than one.
I can’t believe someone as beautiful as you is having trouble finding the right guy… all I can assume is it’s not your fault, and that men suck. 😉
PAISLEY:
I wish.
Its not about BUYING THINGS. If I cut my hours in the office, from full time to part time, I will loose my benefits. That s something I cannot sacrafice.
I am hoping for a VACATION …and soon.
All I want to do is be held up for a FEW days to work on my book, in the comfort of my house, in my pajamas, uninterrupted.
Hopefully THAT will work out.
Ricardo:
It is HARD going at it alone. Even though I am not really ‘alone’ with my family by my side, but I just don’t want to do THIS anymore. I glad you understand its just my job and not some deep rooted depression.
Selma:
Oh My God. You said it PERFECTLY, “I think you’re just wondering: “Is this it? Is this all there is?”
Yes. Yes I am. And if this is ALL THERE is…then this sucks.
And when you said, “Trouble is, I’m tired of coping with everything. I appreciate what I have but at the same time I’m tired of the effort it takes to keep things on an even keel.”
EXCATLY. I am tired of ‘coping, and dealing and the amount of effort this takes. GAH.
Thank you for your excellent comment and for your love & support. You are fabulous.
Lis:
Greg will rule the world one day. We can say we knew him when…
Tesco:
I know. That’s why I don’t want a DUDE. I want a MAN. I have no idea why it is so hard for me to find the ‘right’ guy.
Without reading all of the comments, I will add one more thing–hopefully this isn’t just a repeat of what someone else said.
Anyway, I am going to point out something you said. You mentioned not wanting to take any anti-depressants because you are taking enough medications as it is. Well, my dear, this is just one more reason you should talk with your MD. Medications can do ALL sorts of strange things to people. I think there would be a whole lot less men wanting Viagara in this country if they would just get their BP or cholesterol meds tweaked! (I am NOT suggesting all MDs will just give Viagara without reviewing the other meds a man is taking, by the way.) My MD just asked if I am experiencing muscles aches/pains with my cholesterol meds–a side effect I completely forgot about! So, talk to your MD–you might be having a rare side effect from one or all of your meds.
Dearest Meleah, there are so many wise words of wisdom in the comments above from your friends. They all care and I care too!!! You are such a wonderful young lady and you have so much life in front of you. Winter is always a bloody awful time of year – it will be spring soon and I am positive thatyou will feel better then.
Set yourself a daily challenge, perhaps achieving something that you have never done before. Trust me, it works.
Meleah, I send you my usual big warm hug and want you to know that you are in my thoughts.
Warmest wishes from your English pal, Graham xx
The great life is going to be yours. Just be patient and know that you will get the wonderful future you deserve.
I so easily could have written the parts you wrote about work myself. It’s like I step into a vacuum of uninspiration there daily. It really does deflate the soul…I think that’s why I write, so that I can escape the morbid droll routine that is my job.
CMK:
I was wondering if all these med combinations might be playing a part in this funky-ness. That I will have checked out.
Graham:
You are too kind to me. Thank you for putting a smile on my face
Michael C;
Really? You get the whole JOB NIGHTMARE bullshit. Its awful. Yes writing is one of the FEW things I am doing to STAY ALIVE and keep my soul well fed. xxoo thanks my twin.
Hey, maybe we should start writing AT work…
😉
No real good advise here from me cos I’m not good in this. But you’ll get over it (you’re strong enuf, that much I know). Here’s wishing you all the best.
Michael:
thats a idea! and my new plan
Nick:
🙂
omg – I just had this exact conversation with someone today! I’m totally uninspired as well…not because I don’t like my job – I do! And I love the people I work with…It’s just that I’ve worked allllll my life and have always had to take care of myself (whinning…I know) But ya know what…I get tired of it sometimes! And it would be nice to live the life I think other women are living…having someone take care of them!
But like you…I just keep going and figure I need a vacation.
But I totally understand how you feel!
Drowsey Monkey:
See. Thank you. A Voice Of Reason. I love the people I work with and work for. It’s the un-inspiration thats KILLING me.
and the fact that I have taken care of myself for whats seems like For-Fucking-Ever.
I want SOMEONE else to TAKE CARE OF ME.
Or at BEST….a damn vacation!
Thank you DM. you rule.
xxoo
Meleah I hope you find what you are looking for. In my mind in the future I will fill the gap( But only time will time will tell ) If not, I am and always been your ‘Best Male Friend’. I agree with you BF never give up , I have never known you to do so, so don’t start now.
CBG:
I hope I find what I am looking for. MY BFF is right. I wont give up. Im not a quitter. Im just beaten down. 🙂