Not Myself

As some of you may have noticed by the all too superficial posts as of late (and my lack of commenting) I have not been feeling ‘like myself’. Not that I am feeling like someone else, because who else would I be? [* wishing I was Selma Hayek *] But these days, I feel like the light inside of me is slowing being snuffed out.

Warning: Here is where I will [whine, bitch & moan] ramble on incoherently for the next few paragraphs.

Run. Save yourselves now.

*If are interested in LAUGHING, may I suggest clicking HERE. (Trust me. Its worth it.) 

I have been extremely tired, for no apparent reason. I cannot get out of bed in the morning. No, it’s not just because I abuse the snooze button, or because my bed is entirely too comfortable. Nor have I been going to bed at ungodly hours. But, on more than one occasion over the last few weeks, I literally have to argue with myself to GET UP AND FUNCTION. And then I can’t seem to WAKE UP or SNAP OUT OF IT all day.

I feel like everything is moving in slow motion.

My office has been in a perpetual state of down time. This is not the ‘busy season’ we anticipated. The hands on the clock seem to stand perfectly still, providing me: The Longest Days Ever. Even when my time is peppered with [stressful] fun-filled tasks outside my realm of capabilities, breaking up the monotony…I simply loathe being in an office. Any office.

I am sure that is a major contributing factor to the ‘I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE’ feeling. [However, I can’t think of anything else that I WANT to do which will realistically pay my bills.] The only thing that’s been a motivational factor to leave my house, battle traffic, and sit idle at a desk all day, is hanging on to the single thought, ‘I am going to work today for the health benefits’. [Taking a part time job, or cutting my hours in the office, to free up my life will not provide the same MUCH NEEDED benefits I currently have.]

Nevertheless, it is becoming increasingly difficult to do my job when I am so painfully uninspired. (And, bored.to.death.) I think? I am becoming unjustifiably resentful.

I will never be someone with the drive to climb a corporate ladder. I have absolutely no desire. I will never be one of those 60-80 hour work week types. And I don’t want to be. I am just not built that way.

There are certain people who Never Miss A Day Of Work, Come In Early, and Stay Late. That will never be me. (At least not while enduring my current profession.)

I used to care. A Lot. I even used to like my job. I took so much pride and glory in what I did. Now? Not.Even.A.Little.

It is not like anything has changed in my office. My job is still the same, the people are still the same, and I really do love who I work with and who I work for. In this day and age I am LUCKY to be employed…but I have no passion whatsoever for the insurance industry. Sorry.

As I sit at my desk, I catch myself daydreaming a lot. I’ve spent my days thinking about all of the OTHER THINGS I’d like to be doing instead of being chained to this cubical.

Imagining some other ‘fake’ life that I wish I had. I say ‘fake’ life because for some reason, I don’t think the life I want to have (or think I want to have) is close to reality based.

– But, that’s why it’s called day dreaming.

No, I do not sit around dreaming about becoming the next lottery winner, or anything that grandiose, but I certainly think about a life that includes financial security.

I have also been daydreaming about the ‘perfect relationship’. Or at best ‘my version’ of the perfect relationship.

As lame, and trite, and as ancient as this may sound, I really do just want someone to Take Care Of Me. [yes, yes, in a perfect world, of course they have to really love me and I have to really love them, and all that jazz…blah blah blah. I have to be able to take care of myself – but, I have been doing that since I was 17. Quite frankly, I am done with that.]

But, Yes. I want one of those 1950’s husband types. Yanno? The kind that says, “No woman of mine will work.” Where can I find me one?

I would LOVE to be able to stay home. I don’t understand when people say, “Wont you get bored?’ Or, “That would drive me nuts.”

No. Way.

Not. Me.

I could spend The. Rest. Of. My. LIFE. … At Home.

I actually want to be just a little ‘Suzie homemaker-esq’. I already LOVE to clean. I’d love to learn how to cook. I already love to do the laundry; I could learn to love food shopping. Maybe I would take a writing course, or finally schedule all those Mac Classes. The freedom to have the time to take a nap, or read a book, or holy shit…WRITE MY BOOK, or even just go to the gym. I long for the days when I can meet my girlfriends for lunch at the country club.

* Like I said…I’ve been day dreaming.

When I look at my brothers and their wives, with their beautiful babies, they have a seemingly grand life. I know its VERY hard raising children, being married, and the stress that brings to the table. But, when I see the pictures of them – in all that family bliss – I get a little teary eyed. Some of those tears are because I am genuinely happy for them, but more so because I feel like I missed out.

My childhood was nothing like the ones my brothers are giving their children. And, I certainly did not provide that sort of life for my own son.

I am not guilt ridden over my failings as a parent. (at least not anymore) As it turns out, I have a pretty amazing son. All things considered, I have NO IDEA how he ended up as well adjusted and smart as he is.

Besides, I am too old to start having brand new babies. I am not interested in surrendering my soon to be freedom to a Newborn. I can’t even IMAGINE going back to the car seats, diapers, strollers, pacifiers, and midnight feedings…Oh Hell No.

On the other hand, if I didn’t start out as parent as early on in life as I did, or if things had just been a little different, I would have liked to try my hand at the sort of life my brothers are living.

I do know for certain that I would LOVE to be living the ‘Life Of Leisure’ my girlfriend Jennifer is currently experiencing.

(I must still be daydreaming.)

Oh well, that’s enough miserable drivel for one day.

I am going back to my desk to stare blankly into rating screens and day dream about being ‘rescued’ by the perfect man complete with the ideal life.

Maybe something wonderfully unexpected will happen soon.

I think I just really need a Vacation.