Since last week’s ‘Status Updates’ went over so well, I decided to run with the same theme for this week. I bring to you ‘Meleah’s Week In Review’ in a ‘Facebook Status Update’ format.
[Even though 50% of these were not published as my Status Updates on Facebook.]
In good news, Meleah and Amy The Bartender finally got that annoying jingle out of our heads. But not before Poor Amy suffered some definite consequences. Amy The Bartender gave into the commercial that had been taunting her for over a week. She ate not one, but two, Fillet Of Fish sandwiches. After posting hilarious photographic evidence on Facebook purely for Meleah’s enjoyment, Amy was left violently ill for several hours. Amy thinks she might look into filing a lawsuit against McDonalds. Meleah will gladly be a witness if need be. In an effort stop hearing that annoying jingle, Meleah and Amy The Bartender have been listening to the ‘Free Credit Report Dot Com’ commercial jingles and liking them.
Meleah is still trying to get a divorce from her goiter named Steve but he is refusing to ‘Sign The Papers’. Therefore, Meleah is plotting drastic measures, which may or may not include hiring a ‘hit-man’ to ensure Steve ‘disappears’… forever.
Meleah finally bought a new cell phone after Meleah’s old cell phone tragically shattered into a million pieces. But she is not happy with her new phone. At. All. Meleah had her heart set on buying the ever so coveted iPhone. But, for circumstances far beyond her control, she was unable to make that happen. Meleah is very disappointed that she could not purchase the iPhone in light of the cost of her prescriptions. And since she is technically unemployed, she could not justify buying the phone of her dreams. However, Meleah is proud of herself for making an adult like and responsible decision.
After Meleah made peace with her new cell phone purchase, she sat down to put her old SIM card into her new phone. Alas, none of the numbers were saved. Apparently something went terribly awry when Meleah put her SIM card into Amy The Bartenders phone. Meleah’s SIM card was no longer valid when she tried to import her contacts. Meleah was forced to launch a massive email assault to everyone she has ever known requesting updated information. Meleah felt like a Spam-Bot that day. Meleah eventually suffered from a case of dyslexia after entering each new number individually by hand. Sadly, Meleah still has not recovered. Meleah fears she may invert numbers for the rest of her life, or longer.
In an effort to score some health benefits Meleah so desperately needs, she was required to produce a Social Security card. Which, of course, she had misplaced forever ago. Meleah had no other choice but to obtain a new Social Security card. Meleah was face to face with one of her biggest fears and her biggest shortcomings.
‘Traveling To An Unfamiliar Area.’
If you don’t already know this, Meleah is not good with directions, or listening to other people, or answering to authority figures, or following rules, or coloring inside the lines.
But now Meleah has digressed.
Meleah ended up lost for hours on her way to the Social Security office. Meleah proceeded to break out into *cold sweats* when she realized she must have gone too far. Meleah spent the rest of the day sporting noticeable ‘pit-stains’ for all the world to see.
When Meleah arrived at the Social Security office, she was greeted with a room full of other people, also waiting for Social Security cards. Meleah can only compare her visit to the Social Security Office to the same experience one would have at their local Division Of Motor Vehicles. Fortunately Meleah brought a book with her that she’s been dying to read – for months.
[*Notice how Meleah strategically placed the book to cover up Steve?*]
Seriously though, Kimberly McKay of the blog Worn Out Woman is an amazing person and phenomenal writer. Meleah thinks you all need to click here to purchase her book Finding Kylie and enjoy the same wonderful reading experience as she did.
On Thursday of last week, Meleah spent time at the ever so famous KHCC. However, due to the inclement weather, the stench of mildew stifled the bar area causing the customers to question if the smell was coming from their own feet. The scent can only be compared to bad-ass, gone worse. Meleah decided to take matters into her own hands (and feet) when she attempted to remove the offensive odor emanating the room. In order to eliminate the pungent aroma wafting in the air, Meleah traveled to CVS to purchase the necessary equipment required to try and decrease the intensity of the stink. Meleah came back to KHCC wielding Fabreeze and Scented Candles. Thankfully, the Fabreeze and Scented Candles were put to good use and the stench dissipated.
Meleah’s weekend peaked with excitement after she drank several pots coffee and shared a Rocks Glass full of sugary goodness also known as the candy DOTS with her friend Amy The Bartender.
Later that same weekend, Meleah and Amy The Bartender were too busy breathing a ‘Sigh Of Relief’ (At The Same Time) they missed the gloriously funny opportunity to witness ‘A Super Drunk Touchy Feely (But Not In A Creepy Way) Guy’ sneeze so hard, he fell backwards into the bushes. Thankfully, The Manager Matt was wiling to re-enact the scene for Meleah and Amy.
‘The Super Drunk Touchy Feely Guy (And Avid Ranger Fan)’ made outrageous claims throughout the evening when questioned by Meleah about the nature of his employment. Meleah found his response, “I train Attack Dogs for The Military, specifically for The Marines” to be total comedy. ‘The Super Drunk Touchy Feely Guy’ is really just an auditor.
Meleah seriously woke herself up, Laughing Out Loud. Unfortunately, she has No Idea what she was dreaming about, but she suspects it had something to do with KHCC and the idea that a sneeze could be so powerful it knocked over a six foot three inch, two hundred and thirty pound man, also known as ‘The Super Drunk Touchy Feely Guy’.
Meleah thinks KHCC is really good for blog material. And belly laughs.
And lastly…
Meleah has been diligently working on Chapter Six in her book, which is beginning to shape up nicely. However, Meleah found it slightly difficult to write dialog for the male characters. Meleah has not decided weather or not she will post Chapter Six on the internet. Meleah fears someone may steal it. If Meleah posts any future chapters, she may simply password protect them. But, Meleah is still on the fence about it.
that’s the thing with pretty people like you, meleah. you can take pics of sweaty pits and still look good! i agree, i think you should password protect your chapters.
and yes! khcc does have loads of good blog material. you can’t make that stuff up! 😉
Hilarious. 🙂
I laugh myself awake all the time! Isn’t it great! It sounds like you had an adventure-filled week. I had to get a new SS card too, a few months ago. You pegged it w/the similarity to getting a new driver’s license. Seriously, though, how many people still have their original ss card?
Too bad you missed the sneezing-falling-into-the-bushes guy, though it was kind of your friend to re-enact the debacle.
Thanks for the update, Mereb. Sounds like you’re doing really well. xoxo
Maria:
Aw.
Thank you for saying I am PRETTY!
xoxoxo
KHCC rules!
Paul:
See.
Now do you understand WHY you need to come here
and see this shit First Hand!
🙂
Steph:
You do laugh yourself awake? That has never happened to me until last night!
The SS office = the DMV office!
I am doing well and I am oddly HAPPY these day!
Lets not jinks it!
xoxooxox
🙂
I like these posts … and LOVE the photo creations. I have a new phone too, but not by choice. The old carrier was absorbed by Verizon and my replacement phone is not my cup of tea. What kind of mobile web will not let you comment on Blogger? (a stooopid one, that’s what kind).
I want the iPhone too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ps … did you know there are pork chops at the bottom of your blog?
I REALLY LIKE PORK CHOPS !!!!!!!!!! 🙂
This was absolutely hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing from start to finish. I loved the number dyslexia and the touchy feely Guy who was really an auditor not an attack dog trainer for the marines. Too funny.
I do think you should password protect your book. It is too good to risk it. There are a lot of unscrupulous people out there.
Totally looking forward to the next post!!!
Absolutely hillarious. I almost choked on my coffee when I read your description of Super Drunk Touchy Feely Guy.
I hate to say it, but you should password protect your book. I’d like to think that people wouldn’t steal/copy your efforts but unfortuneately there are a lot of dirtbags out there that will lie, cheat & steal if given the chance. Your efforts are too good to be stolen by someone else.
SS vs DMV – the tax office is a close third when it comes to waiting in line. All are like the 4th level of hell.
BTW – still love Meleah in the 3rd person.
My neighbor (an alcoholic) has been known to fall over from the force of the sneeze. Apparently this is common in alcolholics.
But, it is truly funny the first time you see it!
HA! Woman you crack me UP! xoxo
Speedy:
Pork Chops are awesome
Selma:
YAY.
I am happy you found this so entertaining.
🙂
Agg:
Meleah in the 3rd person is almost as entertaining as Super Drunk Touchy Feely Guy.
And I hope I never have to go back to the DMV or the SS office!
Terri:
I am still mad that I missed it!
Olga:
You crack ME up!
🙂
LMAO!
I like this post format :O)
You must save up and get an iPhone. I love mine and would go nuts if I ever had to revert to an ordinary mobile phone!
BobG:
🙂
Babs:
I totally dislike my ordinary mobile phone!
You crack me up Meleah! You and your beautiful self, pit stains and all. We all get em – you’re just brave enough to post em. I think we all should get a pic of ourselves and post one like it too! 🙂
BTW – thank you ever so much for posting about my book! You’re very kind and once yours is out, I will return the favor.
I agree…password protect your book. I would be careful not to let your future publisher, as I know you’ll get one, know you’ve posted it online as they like to have all electronic and printed rights of your material. 🙂
MWAH XXX000 <3
i am totally with selma on every word password protect…..but keep the hilarity comin”!!
Kim:
ahahhahahhaha
I think we all need ‘pit stain’ photos tooo
And I only posted about your book, because I truly enjoyed it.
Yes. I will be password protecting the rest of my book!
xoxoxox
Paisley:
okay! I will do both!
🙂
Sounds like things are going pretty darn good (except for Steve). I would be very leery of putting too much of your book online, I like the idea of password protecting. I just don’t trust people!!!
I agree with the first comment – you look good even with pit stains…not many people can pull that off 🙂
If you ever watch the TV show ‘Reaper,’ you will find that the DMV is where Satan’s bounty hunter brings captured souls to be sent back to hell. I think the writers got this right! 😉
While I will NEVER have an iPhone–you know me and Apple products ;)–I am coveting a Blackberry. But, like you, I can’t justify buying something like that when I don’t work. However, it WOULD replace my dead Palm Zire 72 very nicely. I may just wait until Nokia–my phone of choice–puts out a nice smart phone here in the US. One I could possibly afford, that is.
I am loving these stream-of-consciousness type posts. As you know, I do WAY too many of them–I have to save up all of the little things that go on in my life in order to have a substantial post. Good grief, I REALLY do need a life! 😀
Barbara:
Yeah. I am TOTALLY going to PWP future book posts~
And, THANK YOU for the compliment.
You are adorable.
CMK:
Okay Ill have to check out the TV show REAPER.
Im waiting for the new iPhone with Verizon as the carrier.
In the meantime I might graduate to the new G2 by T mobile.
Im glad you like these posts!
xoxoxoxoxxo
I misplaced my Social Security card too. I knew the last time I used it and was certain I had brought it back home with me, but didn’t know where it was after that, though I felt certain I had put it in a safe place. Often, I forget where these safe places are, so they are pretty safe even from me.
I found it when I wasn’t looking for it, and put it in a better safe place. Hopefully, I will remember where that safe place is when I need it again because, at the moment, I have absolutely no idea.
I thoroughly enjoyed that. You must continue in this format. It’s funny and light and readable and human, just like you.
Moooooog35 thinks that Meleah needs to stop talking about herself in third-person because it’s really annoying the shit out of Moooooog35.
Moooooog35 really thinks that.
Moooooog35 is hot.
Nevermind. Go ahead.
I didn’t realize it was that much fun.
Meleah’s week in review format is a good one. Meleah succeeds in finding humor in everyday situations, a skill that Richard finds to be of great value. Richard is glad that Meleah posted that second picture of herself holding the book, because the first one one of her sporting sweat stains did not present her in a very favorable light.
Richard is very much hoping that Meleah includes him on the list of people allowed to see Chapter 6. Richard will compensate Meleah for this by pointing out minor type-o’s in an annoying fashion.
Your absolutely awesome !
even though I want to read chapter 6 and all the rest NOW…I undertand your fears and I think you should wait till the books published. 🙂 Be safe…not sorry.
DCR:
hahahahhaha
Good luck. I hope you do find it!
🙂
OMyLisa:
Aw. Okay! Thank you!
xoxoxoxox
Mooog345:
It SO bad that I have started talking in the third person IN MY REAL LIFE. Its getting out of hand. But, yes, it is fun to do.
Richard W:
hahahahahhahah
The Pit-Stains are funny to me, and Im glad you find my ability to keep my sense of humor about whatever happens in life to be a good quality!
The Girl:
So.Are You.
HeatherOSB:
if I password protect it, I can give certain people the password to read it, but then you’d have to promise to still BUY IT.
xoxoxox
Well look at you. An interesting week I see.
Sounds like fun times at the CC stinky! get that done b4 we have lunch!
I love the captioned pictures!
Like your writing style, cheerful girl.
Oscar:
I love captioning my photos!
🙂
Tikno:
Thanks
Hi Meleah !!!!!!!!!
Wow, sounds as if someone has been having fun!! LOL! I don’t know how you cram so much into your life, Meleah – but it’s great to see you so much more cheerful!
How’s Steve? 😉
HI SPEEDY!
xoxox
🙂
Jay:
Steve is the devil!
I have been quite happy and cheerful as of late!
I am guessing that there are several weirdos on your blog because they googled
yummy pit stains…
I think I read something about people who have pit fetishes in the 1970s version of The Joy of Sex.
What a great week you have had!!! 🙂
And it’s so funny!
You’re a great entertainer, you make people laugh, you could be a good stand-up comedian you know 🙂
Michelle:
Who in the world would google :yummy pit stains!
LOL
RMH:
I dont think I could EVER be a stand up comedian. I cant speak in front of crowds! But I am glad that I entertain you!
I am finding it harder and harder to eat fast food without getting sick. I guess it is the GERD. Regardless, this your friend should sue the pants off them. They serve up poison in those places.
I don’t think there are words to describe how mad I would be to find out that I lost all the numbers on my phone.
I wish I could get health benefits as I too am out of work. These times are nuts. hope you get them .
I like this new format! Sounds like you had a full week! 🙂
i like the week in review post. you don’t need a phone woman, get yourself one slim pigeon, a ream of paper and there’s your almost instant message, communication system. you can’t drop the pigeon on the ground either. he’ll just get up and fly. i call that insurance. 🙂
keep the book going.
Ricardo:
These times ARE crazy.
Diamond:
Yes. It sure was a full week.
Valerie:
I like the way you think woman.
Well I can’t say that you life is boring, you certainly have plenty going on most of the time. 🙂
As for your book, I would definitely password protect it at the very least! I just hope you let me know what the password is because I can’t wait to read the next chapter, and the next chapter after that and so on.
“Hit man”???
Did I hear someone page SoLow??? 🙂
Hey sweetie! Glad to read that you’re still doing well, in a crazy sort of way. Hoping to have enough time to get fully caught up over the next few days.
PS – your pit stains are the sexiest damn thing I’ve seen in a while… 😉
Colblue:
Really? I think my life is pretty damn boring most of the time.
And yes, I will be giving the password to a few select individuals!
🙂
SoLow:
Hahahahah
Yeah I need a HIT MAN to pop my pimple!
and yes, my life is totally crazy right now, and I do hope you can find the time to catch up with me, I know you have a lot to tell me too.
I cannot believe you like my Pit Stains. That is hilarious.
My first thought upon seeing the pit stain picture was, “She must be allergic to anti-perspirant too!”
Can’t ‘splain it, sweetie. I’ve got a thing…
…for…
…armpits…
Chicks armpits, specifically.
I love ’em, stains et al.
Call me weird. Don’t matter – I’ve been called worse.
I kinda dig pits.
And yours R.O.C.K.
LOL
Luv ya babe! 🙂
Momo:
ahahhahahhahah
SoLow:
Okay! If you say so!
Hi Meleah, I’m back. I’ve missed reading your posts and am going to backtrack and catch up.
That friggin’ McD’s fillet of fish commercial irritates the crap out of me. Good choice with the Free Credit Report Dot Com commercial to get the other one out of your head.
Filet-O-Fish are my most favoritist
Employee no 3699:
That song was nothing but torture for weeks!
Welcome Back!
DeboHobo:
Ive never eaten one!
Hola Mel. You’re life always seems to make good blog fodder. I thouroughly enjoyed reading this entry. 🙂
I think you should already be protecting chapters 3 and forward. Putting your book on the internet can be a scary thing waiting to happen of you don’t. I will be needing the password tho cuz me wants to read it in advance of you being published. Yee ha!