Monday – I cleaned, and laundered, and took out the trash, and all that jazz, just like I always do, every Monday. Tuesday – like usual, I went to therapy and had a pretty good session. But I’m always drained after therapy so I relaxed and binge watched Season Two of GOLIATH on #AmazonPrime and it was fucking AWESOME.
Wednesday – I went to Dr. Gendy for a recheck after dealing with bronchitis and strep throat last week. I was given the ‘good to go’ and spent the afternoon with my girlfriend Claudia and my new friend Elena. We took a road trip to Staten Island for Claudia to her newest tattoo.
And here’s how THAT worked out …
First of all, as many of you know, I am TERRIFIED of bridges. Absolutely, TERRIFIED. But, some of you might not understand my fear of bridges. So I will try to explain it simply. For me, driving over a bridge is just as scary as: rock climbing, or skydiving, or bungee jumping down the Empire State building. And while those things may be fabulous, if you happen to be a ‘Thrill Seeking’ kind of person, but I am NOT one of you.
I am not only afraid the bridge will suddenly collapse, without warning, but I also imagine the ‘Worst Case Scenario’. Like what if the tire suddenly explodes, and we loose control of the car, and go careening off the side of the bridge, and drown a fiery death, and the only thing they find to identify my body are the serial numbers on my breast implants.
So, yeah. Meleah + Bridges = Massive Panic Attack.
When I realized we had to drive over the Verrazano to get into Staten Island I almost jumped out of the car right then and there. But instead, I covered my eyes, dug my fingernails into Claudia’s leather seats, and prayed the whole way across.
Once we were in Staten Island we got completely lost. Using my trustee WAZE app, I still couldn’t give proper directions. But that’s mostly because the streets in Staten Island have the same name or two different names for the same damn street. Turn right on Victory Road, doesn’t REALLY mean turn right on THAT Victory Road. No. Why? Because there is ANOTHER Victory Road 15 feet ahead. WTF? We accidentally ended up going THE WRONG WAY down a ONE WAY STREET. Ooops! Apparently, I am THE WORST co-pilot, ever.
After we figured out where we were going we went on a mission to find a bank for Elena to take out some cash in case she also wanted to get a tattoo. But we couldn’t figure out how to get INTO the bank. Why? Because as I’ve already mentioned the streets in Staten Island make NO fucking sense whatsoever. Luckily, we found an entrance from a side street and made our way to the drive through. Only to discover there’s no ATM machine. Um… WTF? It’s just a window, with an actual teller. So we smiled, and waved, and kept driving through! Elena starts yelling, “What the fuck is this nonsense? Is it 1982?” and I died laughing. We ended up parking the car and going inside the bank to get to the actual ATM machine.
On our way back to toward the tattoo shop, we saw ‘Elvis’ and ‘Cheech’ arguing in front of an event hall. I tried my best to get a picture, but it’s kind of blurry, so you’re just going to have to believe me when I tell you it was hilarious.
When we finally arrived at the tattoo parlor a whole new set of strange events occurred. The first thing I saw was a creepy wooded statue hanging on the wall; which looked like it was staring at us. Elena couldn’t help herself and said, “What a nice nose! That’s some good wood, right there!” And again, I died laughing. Because, hello! May I introduce, Penis Face.
I told Elena that statue was going to give me nightmares. And that’s precisely when she took it upon herself to find any and everything creepy AS FUCK inside the tattoo parlor and started texting me photos of said scary ‘art-work.’
And then we laughed so hard we had to go outside to catch our breath. While enjoying a cigarette we were accosted by a ‘Gym Trainer’ who proceeded to lecture us on the dangers of smoking and why we should join his gym two doors down. I finally interrupted his sales pitch and said, “Dude, we’re from Jersey. Not happening. Okaythanksbye.”
We went back inside and it was time for Claudia to get her tattoo! She decided on angel wings in honor of her father’s passing.
And that’s when things got EVEN weirder. In the midst of getting her tattoo, there was another guy, across from her, getting a HUGE back tattoo. Like, literally his whole back. And that tattoo artist made a specific request to hear certain music to keep his mojo going while working on said enormous back tattoo.
When the music came on, I immediately thought, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? And then I thought, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? IS THIS EVEN REAL? I whispered into Claudia’s ear, “Are you listening to these lyrics?” She nodded, trying really hard NOT to laugh. I stood up and waved to Elena [who was across the room still taking and texting alarming photos] and I pointed to the ceiling as if to say, “ARE YOU HEARING THIS?” And that’s when we LOST IT! Meanwhile, back tattoo artist was singing every lyric on the top of his lungs!
Now, I don’t know if any of you are familiar with the band Steel Panthers. But I certainly was not. And I don’t think I am going to post the actual lyrics directly to my blog, because holy mad inappropriate. The title ALONE should frighten you. Asian Hooker.
I am, however, going to post the YouTube video, of just ONE of the many songs I heard that evening.
Please heed the following warning:
The following is NOT intended for children.
The following is definitely NOT work acceptable.
Play at your own risk!
Yeah. Um. Wow.
After an hour at the shop, Claudia’s tattoo was finished, and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there! We raced next door to the burrito bar, ordered fajitas and drank margaritas, before driving back home. Luckily, we did NOT get lost and luckily the bridge was less scary, thanks to Patron Silver!
Thursday – My parents FINALLY came home from Europe! And holy hell how I’ve missed them! I’ve never been so happy to see them in my entire life! That evening, I made tacos and hung out with my son while he drank Old Fashions and smoked Lucky Strike cigarettes, like a character straight out of Mad Men.
Friday – I spent the day with my BFF, Tiffany, writing promotional Social Media posts, and updating our websites. Hopefully, we will land some new customers for both of our businesses OCDWITHME and HATETIFFANY. C’mon, people! Help us spread the word!!
Saturday – I had THE WORST CRAMPS EVER and spent the day in bed, binge watching all 13 episodes of THE STAIRCASE on #Netflix. I was extremely fascinated from the very beginning mostly because I am very familiar with the case via Dateline. And I highly recommend this documentary.
Sunday – I received upsetting news. My 97 year old, Aunt, passed away in her sleep. Some of you might be familiar with my Aunt Bea via my blog posts, like this one: My Aunt Bea. May she rest in peace.
And that’a a wrap, folks.
See you next week.
Love,
M
