When I was living in the mountains of California while attending boarding school, one night, peacefully sleeping in my bunk bed, I felt something moving under my covers. And it wasn’t me. I sprung up, ripped off the blankets, and found the biggest, hairiest, scariest spider creepy crawling up my leg. As I started to freak out the spider bit down on my left leg right underneath my kneecap. Within a matter of seconds my entire calf was swollen three times its normal size. I couldn’t feel or move my toes. My left foot went completely numb. A staff member heard the colossal racket coming from our dormitory and came to my rescue. Thankfully, she dialed 911. I was whisked down the mountain in an ambulance, rushed to the emergency room, and learned I had been bitten by a black widow spider.
Upon arriving at the ER they immediately distributed some sort of anti-venom, with plastic tubes and needles, that went directly inside the gaping hole under my kneecap, and down the length of my calf muscle. I sat there in total disbelief watching as they sucked out puss and blood from my leg via some sort of ‘dust buster’ like contraption. The doctor walked a way from me, once, only to call my mother, who was 3,000 miles away in New Jersey. They informed her they may have to amputate my leg…depending on weather or not the medicine worked.
So. Yeah.
Even though I did not loose my leg that day, or any other day, I am forever traumatized by anything related to spiders.
Which brings me to the point of this blog post.
Once upon a time, I lived in an apartment complex, with my two year old son. And, I was having one of those nights where I couldn’t sleep. So, I decided to embarked upon one of my famous 6 hour cleaning benders. I scrubbed down the kitchen, and I scrubbed down the bathroom, when I suddenly felt the urgent need to remove my mattress, in order to vacuum underneath my bed. Using my freakishly strong upper body strength, I also removed the box spring and placed it against the wall.
And that’s when I saw it.
Big. Black. Hairy. Spider.
At first, I really tried to be brave. I crossed my fingers, and said a little prayer, while attempting to suck up the spider with my vacuum cleaner. But, I had no such luck. And when I saw the spider ‘JUMP’ I lost it. I dropped the vacuum, ran out of my bedroom as fast as I could, slamming the door behind me. I hauled ass – clear across my house – screaming the whole way. I made it into the kitchen and hopped onto the counter.
My two-year old son heard my screams and his tiny little feet carried him into the kitchen right behind me. Soaked in his own tears, he asked, “Was ‘smatter Momma?” “Was ‘smatter Momma?”
I scooped up my son and placed him on my lap, “There is a giant bug in mommy’s room and I can’t kill it. I need someone to help me.”
“Is he a sca-wee bug?” He asked with blue eyes filled with confusion and fear.
“Um. Yeah.” I reached for the telephone. “But it will be okay. I’m going to call Gramma & Poppa, right now.”
I frantically dialed my parent’s house as I held onto my son tightly.
“Mom? Are you there? Are you awake?” I panted. “You have to come help me…” I sobbed into the phone. “There is a really big spider in my room…And I can’t…And I can’t kill it…And I’m too scared…”
My half unconscious mother interrupted my hysterics, “Meleah… Stop.” She spoke calmly and quietly. “Take a deep breath. Where are you now?”
“I’m in the kitchen.” I stammered.
“Where is Justin?”
“He’s on my lap.”
“Meleah,” My mothers voice cracked, “Do you know what time it is? It’s after midnight for Christ sakes!”
“I know!” I yelled. ” And I’m sorry, but pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? I can’t go back into my room. I just can’t. I’ll never be able to sleep knowing that thing is in my room.” I pleaded with her.
“Hold on.”
The phone went silent.
I was mentally preparing myself to sleep on the kitchen counter when I heard my mother say, “Fine. I am getting up and coming over. I’ll be there when I get there, but you need to calm down for your son. You are scaring the life out of him. Pull yourself together.”
“Okay. Okay.” I felt relived help was on the way. “So, you’re definitely coming here right?”
“Yes.”
*Click*
I looked at my son and pretended I was fine. “Hey, guess what buddy, Gramma & Poppa are coming over. But we’re going to stay here, on the kitchen counter, until they arrive.”
My son and I waited for what seemed like forever.
Meanwhile, both of my parents got out of bed, put on their clothes, got into their car, and started the 45-minuet drive to my house.
[Side bar: My father is my stepfather and while he’s been married to my mother for a billion years now, at the time of the ‘spider situation’ he was still just my stepfather. This night, is the very night, when he stopped being just my stepfather. This was the night he became ‘My Daddy’. The daddy I’ve always wanted. The daddy I’ve always needed. And the daddy I’ve waited my whole life to find.]
According to my mother, this is what happened on their end.
Mom: “Jesus Christ! Why can’t she have her hysterical moments during the daytime? Does she WAIT for us to go to bed first?”
[Dad is pulling on his jeans while Mom is still sitting on the bed.]
DAD: “I can’t believe I’m driving there to kill a goddam bug.”
MOM: “That’s because you’re not driving there. Where are my shoes?”
[Mom is getting out of the bed and going towards the closet.]
DAD: “Shoes? What are you talking about?”
MOM: “She’s my daughter, she’s my problem. There is no reason for you to drive all the way over there. I’ll use a friggin frying pan to kill the damn bug.”
DAD: “I can’t believe you’re saying this.”
And so started their first (and last) argument about whose daughter I was and whose daughter I would continue to be. While they argued, they climbed down the stairs, yawning and pulling sleep from their eyes. By the time they reached their kitchen my mother relented, giving my father what I’ve learned is the only argument she ever let him win. When they left the house, they were going to rescue THEIR daughter. I was no longer just my mother’s daughter. My father knew I was more than a handful. But he loved me as much as my mother did. And that made me his daughter. And his daughter needed to be rescued. From a spider.
My dad got into the car wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and jacket. My mom, on the other hand, sat in the front seat wearing leggings, asweatshirt, and slippers. (Apparently her shoes remained missing). Sipping their travel cups filled with coffee, and staring through the windshield, neither one spoke to each other until they were almost at my house.
Except, of course for the expletives.
MOM: “I can’t believe we’re doing this. WTF?”
DAD: “I can’t believe we’re doing this either. And we have to go to f*cking work tomorrow morning.”
MOM: “Doesn’t this EVER END? I am so pissed.” (((Sigh))) “If it wasn’t for Justin…” (((Sigh)))
DAD: “Let’s try to calm down.”
MOM: “Well, slow down then. You’re speeding. I really don’t want to get pulled over in my pajamas and slippers.”
DAD: “Oh. That would be perfect, would it? I can just see it now. Cop pulls us over, walks up to the window, flashlight in my face and demands to see my license and registration. But hey, we have a great explanation, right? I’ll just tell him, ‘sorry officer, I know I was speeding, but it’s an emergency. I have to get to my daughter’s house as soon as possible, it’s a real emergency. I have to kill a spider. Apparently, we’re the bug police’.”
When my parents finally got to my apartment they were laughing.
I was still on the kitchen counter with my son when my father walked into my apartment with a face full of smiles.
“So…I hear we have a problem with a spider, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Where is it?”
“It was under my bed, but I don’t know where it is now. It’s huge. Even the vacuum wouldn’t suck it up.”
I feverishly explained the whole spider situation to my father and my mother swooped in to take care of my son. She coddled him inside of her arms and remained in the kitchen calming all of our nerves.
My father headed down the hallway toward my bedroom to implement his ‘mad spider catching skillz’.
He was so cool and so collected about the whole thing. He was making jokes from down the hall and my son started laughing. Justin must have felt a lot safer with my parents inside the house – because he suddenly became brave and even curious about the spider. He began peeking around the kitchen corner to see what my father was doing.
My father managed to convince my son to help him catch the spider. “C’mon, Justin! It’s not scary. You can come with me, and we can learn about nature.” And that’s when my son jumped at the chance to help his grandfather.
But, I remained slightly petrified and semi frozen in the kitchen with my mom.
When the two of them came back out of my bedroom my father was clasping his hands together with the spider inside. He was laughing and smiling, as was my son.
My father put his hands close to my face and said, “C’mon Meleah! Look at the spider!”
“NO!” I backed away quickly.
“Oh. C’mon.” He taunted me. “It’s nothing. Just look at the spider.”
“Not. Gunna. Happen.”
Then my father whispered something into my son’s ear.
“Momma.” Justin looked into my eyes with a huge grin on his face, “Soooo okay. You can wooook at it. S’not Bad. Reaww-y.”
I didn’t want to upset my son, “Do you want mommy to look at the spider?”
My two-year old jumped up and down, dancing with excitement, “Yes please!”
And how could I say no to that?
It took everything I had – to muster up the courage – to face that spider.
Gradually, I leaned towards my dad and he slowly opened his cupped palms. I began to see the black leg sticking out of my father’s fingers, and I started to wince.
“It’s FINE, Mel!” My father’s hand was all the way open.
And there it was.
My spider.
Except that it wasn’t a spider.
Nope.
It was a broken black Hair Clip.
Made out of plastic.
Oops.
Yep.
My parents drove to my house, in the middle of the night, to kill a hair clip.
And to this day, I will never live that down.
I’m am sitting laughing so hard. Not at you, at your hairclip! I can SO see why you have a fear. If I were bitten by a Black Widow Spider and almost lost a leg, I’d probably have just moved into a bubble for the rest of my life. Your parents are the best. What a awesome Dad!! My husband is like you. When we moved into this house, there was a HUGE black and yellow spider right outside the backdoor. Every morning he would stick his head out the door to see if it was there. It was for about a week and he wouldn’t go out back. One morning it was gone and he freaked! He was convinced he saw “spider tracks” in the dewy grass. I told him his brain had gone dewy and to grow a PAIR, for pete’s sake!! Isn’t that what men are for?! Killing bugs and spiders?! I got me a wussy…….It took weeks for him to mow the lawn, for fear he would be attacked.
I’m with you.
Except, I’m ALSO petrified of black hair clips.
Chef Mom:
Oh thank god you are laughing. I come out pretty badly in this story! Your husband is too funny acting like ME when it comes to spiders. But I am with him. I CANT with spiders. No. way. Not. EVER. Thannkfully I have my daddy to deal with them. FOREVER.
mooooooooog35:
HA HA HA HA HA HA
How do you always come up with the FUNNIEST little comments?
You ‘Made My Day’ with that reply.
now that’s love girl…
How awful for you to be bitten like that by the black widow. I would have been terrified. Your Dad is just so cool to rescue you from the dreaded hair clip. That is a classic story. Thanks for a much needed laugh!
Paisley:
You got THAT right!
xxoo
🙂
Selma:
I was terified! Thankfully my father will save me from spiders and hair accesories! I’m glad I made you laugh.
xxoo
Being a dad myself, I have had to wake from deep sleep to the shrieks of my daughters for spiders from the size of silver dollars to some I couldn’t even see. I just figure I’m bigger than them and grab them with a tissue and let them do the circular swim. I have at time had to protect them from dust balls. LOL Spiders I see don’t bother me. The ones I don’t…..
Ever have a spider slip down from the sun visor in your car? THATS a treat! LOL Note to Meleah: Bright color hair clips!
🙂
oops. I can’t blame you though. I had to help a kid with an escaped 4 inch tarrantula once and it was not fun at all.
Oscar:
Good Idea! Bright Colored Hair clips!
Im happy to know I am not ‘The Only Daughter’ that makes her father deal with creepy crawly things.
Hammer:
NO. Way.
*Yikes*
Meleah, no WONDER you’re scared witless of spiders! I’ve always said, it’s all good and fine not to be scared of spiders in the UK, where there are no dangerously venomous ones. If I lived somewhere infested with Brown Recluse spiders – or worse – it would be a different matter, I’m sure!
As to your Daddy – what a great story! I had tears in my eyes at the ‘they were going to rescue THEIR daughter .. ‘. How sweet is that? And what a wonderful, wonderful male role model for your son!
And then, of course, by the end, I was laughing!
Amputate your leg. Oh my word, that is scary.
I used my freakishly strong upper body strength. LOL I have the same upper body strength, what are we, hulk women?
suck out the puss – this is disgusting add a letter and I’m really okay with this. No I didn’t just type that. I’m not leaving my name, you know who I am.
When I saw the spider ‘JUMP’ out of the path of my vacuum, I lost it. – ROFL, sorry M.
(Guess what? Another back-story! Is anyone even still here?) Yeah girl, I ain’t going nowhere until I not get my gold medal
Mom: “Jesus Christ! Why can’t she have her hysterical moments during the daytime? Your Mother cracks me up. LOL
DAD: “I can’t believe I’m driving there to kill a goddam bug.” – awwwh now I feel like getting all emotional and crying. This is love.
ROFL this story is hilarious. Girl you are too much and I would have done the same thing. I can kill small stuff, but if it has enough hair to make a beard, then a man better handle it.
You da bomb! Funny.
Girlfriend, what a great story to get me out of my funk! Thank you!!!
Jay:
YAY. See! I told you I had a GOOD reason to be scared of those things!
I had tears in my eyes when I wrote that part of the story. Who knew a SPIDER (well a hair clip) would bring my family together like that? Im thrilled you laughed at the end!
🙂
Valerie – A Nameless Blogger That Now Has A Name Because She Has Been Outted By Me:
I cant kill anything without my mom and dad! I am glad you enjoyed this funny, sick and touching story!!
xxoo
Skipper:
YAY! I love when I get people out of thier funkiness.
Which reminds me, I have to move you back up in my blogroll.
xxoo
🙂
Oh, that was so funny, though you probably didn’t think so at the time. I can understand why you are so afraid of spiders. You’re lucky someone found what bit you or they wouldn’t have known.
You also made me laugh with ‘sofa king’. I say that all the time. I also have had many laughs getting unsuspecting people to read that line.
I once did a Mexican hat dance on a large piece of fuzz on my living room carpet. I was able to make myself kill it because it didn’t move very fast.
And I almost had a heart attack when I saw the jumping spider in the bathtub. Only it turned out to be the magnet at the bottom of the shower curtain which ‘jumped’ when I opened the curtain so I could get in the tub.
Yeah, I fully understand your fear of spiders–I just have had to make myself kill them whenever no one else is around. Now, when it comes to wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, bees… 🙁
This story is absolutely AMAZING, Meleah!!
You NEED to submit this to a magazine or short story competition. I am S-E-R-I-O-U-S!! I haven’t read anything this good since I finished reading Beth Lisick’s last book, “Helping Me Help Myself” (another book you NEED to read).
You had me laughing, feeling compassion for you and your son, feeling happy for you that you found a wonderful father…so many things. I am not afraid of spiders but I could totally feel for you because of the way you wrote this. The other thing that is amazing is you held my attention THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH. I usually skim through long posts when I don’t have a lot of time (like today) but I stuck with it because your writing was soooo good!
I’m telling you all of this because I don’t ever want you to doubt yourself as a writer…although, I know you will because we all do unfortunately. You are DAMN GOOD!!!!!
Thank you for sharing that story with us, and I’m glad I’m late for my appointment now because I stayed and read it!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXO
RC
Employee No 3699:
Sofa King is a CLASSIC!!
CMK:
Mexican Hat Dance is hysterical.
Random Chick:
Im sorry my story is making you run late…
However, THAT was ‘The Nicest Thing’ ANYONE has ever said to me. Ever. I am sitting at my desk with my jaw, ON THE FLOOR. Thank you for that. I will treasure that comment for as long as I live. And when I am doubting myself, I will read it.
XXOO XXOO XXOO
🙂
you outted me. OMG! i’m going to the store and buy a bag full of black hair clips.
🙂
What a story, and what a master story teller you are, oh Meleah, I truly enjoy every bit of it!
Oh you are good! 🙂
PS: I’m ok with spiders, but I can’t deal with rat/mouse, just thinking about it can already scare the crap out of me!
Now you have to write one about Broham saving you from the baking dish . . . wait, cancel that. Not a funny one. Anyway, I’m with Random Chick.
Hugs,
xoxoxoxoxox
Namless Blogger Uh -VALERIE:
Yeah, Im evil like that.
RMH:
Aw!! Thank you!
I was afraid people wouldn’t stick around for the whole thing since it is rather long. I guess my words are goods enough to hold peoples attention!
Rats and Mice. NO WAY.
That’s what my FATHER is for!
Mommy:
ha ha ha
The Adam story is crazy but it is sort of funny. Maybe after ‘The Week Of Daddy Tales’ ends next Wednesday I will consider the baking dish story?
Im glad you are with RC.
xxoo
Do I at least get a gold star for reading it all? 😉
Spiders are evil…morphing into hairclips to hide and all.
buwahahahahahaha
I’m tearing up from laughing so hard! Absolutely hysterical!
Ah, the love of parents – It truly is phenomenal what they’ll do for us, huh?
Loved it-
I do something wrong? Comment disappeared. Harumph!
I agree with Random Chick, your post would be a humorous children short story, minus the amputation trauma and bleeping some words, to teach them how to conquer their fear of black hair clips! 😀
Have a great weekend!
Dazd:
Yes. You can be my Gold Medalist!
The Rev:
YAY! I found your lost comment. It was in my spam folder. Dont know why? Anyway, I am so glad you enjoyed this LONG ASS post! I am very lucky to have the coolest family. In The World!
Miss Moneypenny:
Why thank you. Maybe I will submit this somewhere somehow and just clean up the language…hmmm…
I hope you have a GREAT weekend too!
Your escape from having your leg amputated was way too close. No wonder you can’t stand spiders!
Paul:
You got that right!
Oh, you poor thing back in the day! I can’t stand spiders either.
You’re so lucky to be so loved.
Great story Meleah – remind me of why I read Momma Mia Mea Culpa. Spiders, yes even Black Widows, I always give a second chance… scorpions & cockroaches on the other hand face immediate dispatching with whatever means are within reach. Anyway, those eight legged mini (tho’ some are not so ‘mini’) freaks can be quite intimidating…
OK after almost losing your leg I can understand your aversion to these creatures. the fact that you thought your hair clip was a spider is comic gold.
While I did not have a spider in my bed I did find a centipede once. I was not happy at all.
Steph:
I really AM lucky. I have wonderful parents.
Rog:
Aw. Thank you. I am so happy that people actually read this post. It was sooo long!
Ricardo:
Yeah, I dont like anything in my bed other than my computer!
You cant handle any kind of bug.
No I cant!
Spiders! OHMYGOD No! I’m scared silly of them! Wifey will come rescue if I’m ever cornered by a spider … LOL!
Spiders scare the bejeesus out of me too. Being a single mom, the task of murdering them falls squarely on my shoulders. I have therefore equipped myself with spider spray.
Instructions:
1. stand very far away from the spider,
2. aim the can at said spider,
3. push down on the nozzle thingy.
4. Watch the spider writhe in poisoned agony. (I don’t know why I get pleasure from this step. Not very PETA of me.)
5. Smile and know that you’ve done your part to rid the world of one more spider.
Nick:
Totally Horrible. I hate spiders!!
Eva:
NICELY DONE!!!
Oh, and by the way, I had to come back here to say a few more things. A: This post is amazing, and you blow me away with your “mad writing skillz”. B: After spraying the spider with poison in a can, be sure to keep an eye on *where* the spider writhes in agony *to*. Because you must NEVER take your eyes off of a dying spider. Ever. I think you know what I mean. 😉
Eva:
Why Thank You!
And yes, I do know what you mean!
I seriously started crying from laughing so hard at the end. Actually, I’m still in hysterics…wow.
I would be terrified of spiders too, if that black widow bite happened to me too. It’s very understandable that you would make that mistake, as, after going on a six hour cleaning spree (with all those cleaning agents I’m sure) does have an affect on your state of mind. Being late didn’t help either.
Silver:
hahahahah
Yeah. I will blame thinking a HAIR CLIP was spider on cleaning / chemical fumes!
OMG….I have got to show this story to my Blog-Mistress’s teenage daughter…she HATES spiders too!!! One night I woke up to some weird banging sounds….she was laying in bed, all freaked out, throwing things at a little teeny spider on the way! Socks, books, pillows, etc…HAHAHA! And she never did hit the poor thing!
You silly girls!
xoxo
I’m sorry!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t SPAM me!!!!!
that was such a great story, well told. now *i* love your dad. i love any dad that does not try to make me heart jezus.
one thing. you will not be visiting me any time soon. it is spider city in my house. my son keeps running in to me and going “mummy! spidah! by dere!” (‘by there’ is what the welsh say instead of ‘over there’)
Olga:
Please do send /show this to her!
And your not spammed! I always find your comments!
xxoo
HollyDolly:
You can borrow my father!!
🙂
Brought tears to my eyes twice, in both possible ways.
Well, I have heard the spider story first hand in person so reading it here again with the added story about the hair clip put the icing on the story cake for me.
I really never in a zillion years thought that you’re dad would open his hands to reveal a black hair clip! LOL.
The funny thing is…if it were me…I wouldn’t have believe it was the hair clip that I saw. I would have still thought there was a spider lurking and that the hair clip was just to make you calm down and go back into your room.
I’ve never had a traumatic almost leg amputated experience BUT i have had my bad encounters with BUGS that “bugged me out.” One time I found a bug crawling ON My bed sheet that turned me into an all out insane lunatic ripping off my bed sheets and tearing apart my entire bedroom cleaning every inch of everything in the room. You would think my parents put the bug there to make me do an all out spring cleaning. Although this was more like a winter, spring, summer, fall cleaning. I was so repulsed! 😀
MJC:
Well than I guess I did a good job writing this!
Jen R:
OMG! You never knew it was hair clip!
hahahahahah
I know YOU would have flipped out the same way I did if you saw a bug!
I love that you are just as OCD crazy as I am !!
xxoo
🙂
I needed this! I have still felt SO bad today from my spider bite. My legs and feet have ached and I am still walking with a limp… from being bitten on the CHEST. There is no obvious sore from where that b*tch got me but it has done a lou lou on my body. That and the bloomin’ drugs that I have to take to keep from getting sick. I am NOT a drug person… don’t even ever take a multivitamin so this has been a LOT to put into my system.
I am still not afraid of spiders per say but I don’t want them anywhere NEAR my children. I am the most thankful that it was me and not them.
Thanks for leading me to your story. I needed the levity plus the understanding!
Be blessed Meleah Rebeccah!
Jennifer:
You are welcome.
But…..If you dont feel better within the next 24 hours?
I would CALL YOUR DOCTOR AGAIN.
Yeah, I am glad this is not happening to one of your children, but I don’t like that its happening to you either.
I really UNDERSTAND how you feel right now.
Praying that you get better…. QUICK