Ever since my “friend” Melody broke her box I haven’t told you any stories. At least not a real story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. And it’s about time I fixed that.
Onward.
I talk about My Father a lot.
Why?
Because he’s friggen hilarious.
For those of you who don’t know about my dad, here’s a little background.
He’s an evil genius that derived a plan to execute the greatest revenge after being ripped off at a gas station. He’s been confused as Tony Bennett. And he’s been woken up in the middle of the night to kill a spider.
My dad is also very handy around the house. He’s repaired a broken garbage disposal, a desk drawer, and all of my flat tires. He’s moved an enormous amount of property. And once he sawed a sofa in half. He’s installed a chandelier and a waterfall. He’s put out fires. Once he nearly bled to death. And he’s been known to dance while he cleans.
He’s an extremely loving father that’s taken me to countless doctors appointments to make me laugh while having my blood work done. And when I was utterly devastated, he made moving back home seriously entertaining. He taught my son how to shovel snow. And he managed to get ME into trouble while HE was playing with finger puppets.
My father is famous for channeling his “Inner Larry David” when arguing with bank tellers, the people in line at the grocery store, and by writing notes to rude pig parkers.
He’s responsible for scaring the crap out of people in the luggage department. He’s photo bombed 90% of my pictures. He’s said some of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. He always gets the short end of the stick. And he’s pretended to be a 90-year-old man while trying to score a free bagel.
Oh, and he really loves Hanukkah.
But that’s not all, people.
That’s not all.
Apparently, he’s also a detective.
Four score and seven years ago, my father worked for an up and coming insurance agency. Because they were such a small firm they operated from within a hotel and subsequently shared public restrooms with other small businesses.
And while I would love to write the rest of the story, I think it would be best if you heard it from my father himself.
ENJOY!
Yep.
That’s my daddy.
Well thank God THAT mystery was solved. I swear I live vicariously through your father, because I would be DYING to know why there were paper towels all over the floor too, but I don’t think I could bring myself to confront anyone about it. Kudos to your Dad!!
i cried laughing
I love your Dad! OMG. Walking all the way back to the guy’s desk! Love him! Incidentally, I hate touching the bathroom knob, too. But I carry the towel I used to turn it with back to my office down the hall and throw it away there. Meanwhile, there are slob students at my university who’ll do the same thing — drop it at the door on the floor. To quote your Dad “How do they LIVE?!?!?”
I can’t believe he HID inside a stall for an HOUR just to catch the guy!
YES!!!!
My dad should have cameras following him around 24/7.
Seriously.
He’s the KING of confrontation.
Meanwhile Meleah + Conflict = Instant Diarrhea.
Bwhahahahahahahhahahahahhaa! OMG….your father is freakin’ HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He truly needs to have his own talk show, TRULY!
Now I have a HUGE confession to make….
…..I do the same thing that that guy did. After I wash my hands, I use the paper towel that I dried my hands with to open the door, and then THROW the paper towel on the floor!
Aren’t I HORRIBLE?
HAHHAAHHAHAHHAHAA!
Shhhhhhh….but please don’t tell you father, okay?
Faaaaaabulous post, Meleah!
X
RON!! FOR SHAME!
Carry that used towel back to the TRASH!!
xoxoxo
*hanging my head in shame*
Okay.
xoxoxoxo
🙂
Your dad is hysterical. I’m so jealous. I wish we were sisters.
You can be my virtual sister!
That cracked me up but your mother was even more hilarious, did you hear her? Your father thought it was so nice they got the guy a trash can so he could continue opening the door with a paper towel and dispose it properly but your mother says, “They got a trash can so Ron didn’t have to look at paper towels on the ground.” Now that cracked me up. Very funny!!
Ahahahahah!
Thanks, Lucy.
And my mom REALLY knows just how CRAZY my dad can get!
I can just picture it now. An exciting episode of CSI Bathroom where they track down the paper towel bandit. I’ve said it before, your dad is sofaking funny. He could be doing two shows nightly at KFCC. An hour on stake out in the bathroom? What was he doing to keep from getting bored? Reading dirty limericks on the stall walls (There once was a woman from Nantucket….)?
Definitely a keeper. One for the “Best Hits of Meleah (Volume 2)” album.
HA!! Thanks Agg.
I’ve said it a million times, and I’ll say it again.
People need to follow my father with a camera 24/7.
” …so, I made it my business…” I don’t know what I love more, your dad’s dogged determination, or his recounting of the incident. You rock Ron!
Holy crap, your dad is awesome! That made me laugh out loud… which is weird cuz I am alone with the dog watching TV, and the dog is now staring at me funny. Ooh, no that may be his farting face. Never mind…
OMG, sweet thing! Your daddy slays me! Most people would have just put up a note asking people to throw their paper towels in the trash and not the floor, but not your daddy! He tracks the culprit all the way back to the poor man’s desk!! LMAO!!
I can’t type for laughing. That would have driven me crazy too with all
those paper towels all over the floor. I can understand that the guy had
a phobia but chucking the towels everywhere was a bit much. I am SO
impressed your Dad solved the mystery. He would make a great private
eye. One of the best stories ever. Love this post!!
Thanks, Jimmy!
Ahahahahhaaha!
Right! Forget using a sign!
Awww! Thanks Selma!
Your dad, he the man!
Thanks, Nick!
Since I do the same things with paper towels to open the door to the bathroom, I knew where that story was going from the beginning (although I usually take the towel with me to find a garbage. Remember, while you may be clean and shiny, a lot of those people in public bathrooms don’t wash their hands after they go.
I love your “Daddy” stories. He is a real hoot, and a right good detective. figured the guy didn’t want to touch the door handle, but he could have at least thrown the towel in the trash.
Love the story – but really love hearing your dad tell it! How fun! Your house is never dull and quiet – I can tell!!
I sort of knew what that was all about. I dislike washing my hands in a public restroom and then touching the door handles too. What I do however is take the paper towel with me after I’ve used it to open the door. It seems that a very sensible solution was found. I’m not really a germ-a-phobe, but not everybody washes their hands. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Oh I know.
Bathrooms are NASTY.
But at least you take the paper towel to the trash instead of leaving it on the floor!
That’s why my father followed him back to his office!
🙂
We sure do have a lot of fun around here.
🙂
So gross!
Similar situation at MY dad’s workplace: There was always toilet paper all over the floor of the men’s restroom and it was because the Mexican workers didn’t know to put it in the toilet! He had to sit them all down and explain that it gets flushed.
Shut. Up.
NO WAY!
Yeah, there’s always a mess of papertowels in the bathroom at work. I think A LOT of people have the phobia. But more have a phobia of actually cleaning up and flushing the toilet after themselves.
Yikes.
I LOVE your dad! I’ve seen a lot of the posts about him, and now I’m gonna head on over to read the ones I’ve missed. Good to read a real story from you again! Looking forward to more! 🙂
Awww. Thank you!
And I have certainly linked enough stories and videos of my father in this post to keep you busy & entertained for a while!
You family is so awesome. Good thing the guy wasn’t off sick for the day. Your dad might have been confined to that stall for 8 hours.
Now THAT would have been even funnier!
Ha! You had me at the title. Also, I think your dad and I might be related. I leave notes for rude parkers and I argued with a bank teller just a few hours ago! 🙂
I love it! That was hilarious! Seriously. So… this is why we are like twitter bff’s … because my dad is crazy too. And… your descriptions. Point on! Love it.
Nice! Can’t wait to read / hear about that!
Twitter BFF’s! HA!
Your daddy is a man after my own heart. I have been known to do such things, too. There is no mystery too small for my detective work.
My first reaction to this was that at least the man washed his hands! It’s more than can be said for the vast majority of people I see leave the toilets and just walk straight out. I wouldn’t touch that handle I can tell you. I do take the paper towel out with me and throw it in the nearest trash though.
Your dad is hilarious. He has the courage to follow through on the things that annoy him. I, on the other hand will feel disgust but say nothing 🙂
🙂
My dad is just like Larry David from the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm!