I talk about my family a lot. Mostly because I love them and mostly because they are all sofa king crazy, you can’t help but laugh. But my father, whom I adore, is the one that provides never-ending blog fodder.
He is an extremely smart man, and well intentioned. He is also a passionate, handsome, life-saving, family-providing, over-reacting, hyper-active, attention-deficient-having, genius. But if there’s one thing in this world that drives my father absolutely bat.shit.crazy.stone.cold.fuck.nuts. it’s when ‘Society’ doesn’t follow the ‘Rules’.
My father has what I like to call ‘Larry David Tendencies’ and he’s become quite the ‘Social Assassin.’
Here’s a perfect example.
It was a typical day in Suburbia. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and everything was seemingly all right in our little corner of the world. My father innocently decided to go grocery shopping. He just wanted to pick up a few of the basics.
Milk.
Eggs.
Bread.
My father perused the aisles, got what he needed, and proceeded to get into the ‘10 Items or Less’ – ‘Express Lane’.
But that’s when all hell broke loose.
My father looked inside the basket of the lady in front of him, and counted the proper amount of items. However, the lady in front of her, had an entire cart filled with groceries. And in my father’s world, that’s a very big no, no.
He cleared his throat, and said, “This is ridiculous.”
Loudly.
So loudly, the lady in front of him turned around.
Once they made eye contact, my father repeated himself, “Don’t you think this is ridiculous? I mean isn’t this the Express Lane?” He pointed at the sign.
The lady nodded her head in agreement and turned back around.
Now, it’s not like my father was in a rush be anywhere. Or maybe he really did have other shit to do, like hanging curtains for my mom. But, whatever the case, my father was NOT about to let this go.
Nope.
When my father gets angry, he clenches his teeth in rapid succession. You can actually see his jaw pulsating. He began shaking his head, and sighing heavily. As my father became increasingly aggravated, he proclaimed, “The sign says, 10 Items Or Less! Why is that woman in this checkout lane?”
The lady in front of my father, turned back around and politely said, “Sir, you need to calm down.”
“Calm down?” My father asked puzzled. “I don’t have all day to stand in this line. My time is valuable! Your time is valuable! The sign says 10 Items Or Less!”
Suddenly, all eyes were on my father, as he morphed into Larry David.
He carried on and on about how people don’t respect other people. How this is chaos and society can’t function. The lady in front of him did her very best to completely ignore the rest of my father’s rant. And the other people in the store were clearly uncomfortable.
Meanwhile the poor, little, young, cashier, rang up the groceries as fast as humanly possible. You never saw items fly so quickly off the conveyor belt.
But it didn’t end there.
Nope.
Once my father exited the store, whom do you think he saw across the parking lot?
The very same lady, that held up the ‘Express Lane’.
And that’s when my father put both hands up around the side of his mouth to create a bullhorn and shouted:
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
Heckling her.
In the middle of the street.
Yep.
That’s my daddy.
———————————————–
Have you ever been stuck behind an Expresshole? And if so, how did you deal with it?
Your daddy is THE man!
Your daddy is THE man!
I had eleven items last week I was worried I would get caught.
I guess I must be getting old too, because I would have gone to management there. They shouldn’t have allowed that person to go through — after your father said something. Why have a policy if you’re not going to stick to it?
He needs his own sitcom! Please make this happen–something needs to fill the void of Larry David.
He needs his own sitcom! Please make this happen–something needs to fill the void of Larry David.
ROTFLMAO!!! I SOO needed to read this today! Thanks for laugh, your dad is hilarious!! What a guy!
“Suddenly, all eyes were on my father, as he morphed into Larry David.”
HAHAHAHHHAAHHAHA! Meleah…I LOVE THAT!!!!!
It’s funny, because I’m sitting here reading this post getting aggravated and thinking to myself, “I would have reacted EXACTLY like your father!”
OMG..that totally pisses me off when someone with a CART FULL of groceries tries to SNEAK their way into an express line. I do the same thing as your father; mumbling under my breath….
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
I’ve actally gotten into arguments with other customers in a store over this.
GREAT post, girl!
X
“Suddenly, all eyes were on my father, as he morphed into Larry David.”
HAHAHAHHHAAHHAHA! Meleah…I LOVE THAT!!!!!
It’s funny, because I’m sitting here reading this post getting aggravated and thinking to myself, “I would have reacted EXACTLY like your father!”
OMG..that totally pisses me off when someone with a CART FULL of groceries tries to SNEAK their way into an express line. I do the same thing as your father; mumbling under my breath….
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
“IT’S TEN ITEMS OR LESS!”
I’ve actally gotten into arguments with other customers in a store over this.
GREAT post, girl!
X
Somehow it seems wrong to say this but I love your dad. He is my kind of guy.
A/R and proud to share it with everyone. I’ve been in the same line with the social idiots who cannot count with out the aid of their fingers and toes. I just didn’t have the cojones to say anything. Bravo! I applaud his efforts to teach everyone social manners.
Somehow it seems wrong to say this but I love your dad. He is my kind of guy.
A/R and proud to share it with everyone. I’ve been in the same line with the social idiots who cannot count with out the aid of their fingers and toes. I just didn’t have the cojones to say anything. Bravo! I applaud his efforts to teach everyone social manners.
Those rules are there for a reason. Without them, it would be pandemonium at the checkout line!
I think the cashier needed to be told to do her job properly too! There is no way she should have allowed it. If cashiers refused to allow more than 10/11 items through people would stop trying it on!
I would have been more of a coward and just given a lot of sighs and glares – no verbal 🙂
The people that drive me even crazier than this woman are the ones who will buy 3,642 of the SAME item and argue that they are abiding by the ’10 items or less’ because they have a multiply of only ONE item. There ARE reasons I don’t own a gun…
Your Dad rocks! I enjoy your stories, but your Daddy stories are the best. I’ve made comments in the express line, loud enough to be heard, and given the “evil eye”. But, I’ve never taken it outside, and heckled the offender in the parking lot. You go Ron!
Isn’t it funny how your father was the one asked to calm down and yet no one ever mentioned the fact that the woman should not have been in the express isle? I don’t understand why cashiers do not politely say, “I am sorry but you clearly have more than ‘so and so’ items and I am going to have to ask you to use the other lane, this helps to keep the store running smoothly, thanks for understanding.” If rules were enforced then people would not break them.
Anyway, how do I usually handle it? I count my items loudly and go, “Oh, good, I was worried I was over but I am following the rules I have the correct amount, phew.” So, I make a big deal about being concerned that I was breaking the rule but then make it clear that I am NOT.
LOL
Give your dad a high five for me!
Then pat him on the back for me!
Then give him a “right on, bro!” for me!
That anti-social lady deserved every Larry David bit of it! LOL
a man after my own heart…. don’t let the bastards get away with it….maybe you should get him a bull horn for his Birthday then he could really rock…. 🙂
I want your Dad to come shopping with me. I need him. It is one of my pet hates when people have a full cart in the Express Lane. It’s so selfish. I don’t understand why the stores let people do it. ‘Social assassin’ – love it *giggle*
I want your Dad to come shopping with me. I need him. It is one of my pet hates when people have a full cart in the Express Lane. It’s so selfish. I don’t understand why the stores let people do it. ‘Social assassin’ – love it *giggle*
OH MY GOSH!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!! I saw your Title and thought, ‘Oh no, here he goes again!’ LOLOL! YEAAAAAAAA DAD!!!!!!!!! I am so paranoid of breaking the rules, if I have 11 items I won’t go through the line. Your dad is HYSTERICAL….I bet the lady will never EVER do that again!
I hate hate hate people that come in the express lane. I usually try to chase them away but when it’s busy they sneak up on you and pretend to act dumb. I hate those people and I won’t be outright nasty to them, but I may just smash their bread. Just a little. Because yeah, they are assholes.
Good for your dad. I believe in following the signs/rules, too. I just “simmer and stew” while those type of people unload their mega-carts that hold up the line. Good for him for speaking up. I think the cashiers should say…sorry this is the express line and you need to go to one of the other lines.
Heck, I hate on people who write checks in the grocery store line because WHO DOES THAT ANYMORE? You may as well pull a drawstring bag of handstruck coins out of your cloak.
I have to totally agree with your father in this case. Lack of consideration for others is one of my pet peeves and using the 10 items or less line with a cart full of items (unless the cart is full of 9 packs of paper towels) is completely inconsiderate. I’m glad he called her out on it.
I have not been stuck behind an Expresshole, and now I pray I never will be. But I totally admire your dad. He’s got the cojones of a bull, and that’s not altogether a bad thing. 🙂
Makes me wonder what life was like growing up in that household. Never boring, I’m sure.
I agree. But you see all sorts of people need to do grocery shopping – even inconsiderate people. Some inconsiderate people can break all hell loose if told that they are wrong. I wouldn’t risk it myself if I was a cashier.
Really? We’re too British to behave like that. At best we would apologize and move to another cash out lane. At worst we might sigh or possibly moan about the long queues and move to another cash out lane. Either way we would see it as a ‘fair cop’.
Your dad? The most awesome awesomeness with a side of awesome. 🙂
Ahahahahaha!!!!! Yet, again, another great one Meleah!!! <3
I fear Hollywood will have some new movie making material. There has been Star Wars’, Wrath of the Sith; there has been Star Trek’s, Wrath of Khan; and even Liam Neeson’s, Wrath of the Titans… But nothing will compare to the Wrath of Colonna…
Ron is the proverbial Don Quixote de la Mancha… Jousting windmills, and righting all wrongs. As the target of some of Ron’s righteous indignations, I can sympathize with all parties in that store line.
BDawg
I don’t recall that being a problem, but I would probably just sigh heavily, and tap my foot impatiently. My bigger complaint is when there is no price on the item and they have to send someone to the far reaches of the store, or someone’s trying to use a card that doesn’t work over and over, or the cashier has to fill out forms for who knows what so the person can buy their stuff with some other means than money. There’s always something…
Agreed.
Steer clear of my father!
That’s exactly my father’s point!
Oh I wish!
My father is 100% sitcom material.
You’re welcome.
But that’s because it’s worth arguing over!!
Yep. That’s my father.
He’s quite the Social Assassin!
Toad-ily.
I think the cashier was too new. And too young.
And she was definitely scared of my father!!
What? That’s crazy talk!
Gotta Love the, Ron!!
I’ve actually imagined you and my father hanging out.
Nice! At least you speak up!
Will do!
Hmmmm….
Maybe I will!
I’ll tell him to go shopping with you next time!
My dad is nuts!
But, in a good way.
And I don’t think that lady who was heckled in the street by my father, will EVER go through the express lane again!
Good one, Nik!
The cashiers really DO need to speak up, to stop this kind of thing from happening.