Y’all know how much I love my job.
And y’all know how much I’ve grown and changed over the past nine months BECAUSE of my job.
Since I started working at the Assisted Living Facility, I’ve come to learn that function sooooo much better when I have structure and stability. Not to mention how much I love my coworkers and the residents. I’m the type of person that needs to be needed. And boy, do I feel needed and important at work! Plus its really nice having a steady paycheck.
However, due to my compromised auto immune health conditions, and the fact that we’ve had several deaths and there are still multiple active COVID-19 residents inside the building … my doctor really does NOT want me to return to work until the pandemic is over, or at least until there’s nothing active inside the assisted living facility, for 16 days.
And that might be problematic.
I’m afraid that if I do not return to work, especially during this crisis, I may NOT have a job waiting for me when everything finally returns to “normal” … whenever the hell that may be. My immediate boss said there would be nothing he could do to ‘protect’ me – if corporate decides to let me go for not being there when they needed me the most.
I’m also worried if I stop my routine where; I get up, take a shower, get dressed, do my hair & makeup, and spend my time at work socializing — all while burning off my OCD anxiety — that I might spiral down the tubes again.
And that simply cannot happen.
I’ve come WAY too far to fuck up again.
And I’ve come WAY too far to go back to my old ways.
** Herein lies my dilemma.
- Should I ignore my doctors recommendation and go back to work – to keep my job, and maintain my routine and keep my paycheck so I can support myself while I’m also in school?
On the one hand, I think – I am going to school to become a Medical Assistant. Aren’t I going to be exposed to stuff like this after I graduate anyway? So what’s the difference if I went back to work next week, as opposed to being on the frontlines 7 months from now? And I’m going into this field because I want to take care of people who are sick! I want to help people!
Or…
- Do I take my chances and listen to my doctor – and if I get fired, I get fired – I’ll figure something out eventually, and at least I’ll be able to continue studying?
And then I think – Seven months from now, we could have a vaccine, and I would NOT be exposed to COVID-19 like I would be TODAY if I went back to work. And when I graduate and get a real job – my goal is to work in a cardiologist office, or for a geriatric doctors office, because I love the elderly so very much. But there is a VERY big difference between working in a doctor’s office as opposed to working in a nursing home. And there’s a VERY big difference regarding “exposure” … running EKG’s all day is NOT the same as scrubbing infected fecal matter from toilets.
** So I feel VERY torn!! **
And then there’s this for me to consider …
The one good thing about not working right now is that its afforded me the proper amount of time that I truly need to study, do my homework, and write my papers. I am getting FANTASTIC grades, ALL A’s, because I am able to dedicate every day to learning.
I have SO MUCH information coming at me – and so quickly – I don’t know if I would be as successful as I am, or able to manage my time correctly, while still working. And I am able to have ‘self-care’ and ‘brain-break’ days so I don’t burn myself out.
I think if I tried to keep up with working so hard and studying so hard, I would run myself into the ground and end up having flare-ups, or getting sick, which would give me anxiety, which would exacerbate my sickness/flare-up and then I would fall behind, and stress myself out, and that would NOT be healthy for me WHATSOEVER.
So, yeah.
I think just writing this, helped me process what I should do.
Blogging has always been my therapy.
I think I am going to accept my doctors advice.
Besides, if I went back to work, I think my parents would kill me BEFORE the Corona.
If y’all could just keep your fingers crossed that when this nightmare IS over, I will still have my job at the Assisted Living Facility.
Thanks for listening.
Stay tuned.
Love,
M
