Okay, people. I am feeling SO MUCH better.
Thank you everyone, for all of the well wishes.
First, I’d like to say there were plenty of good things about being laid up, and sick in bed all week, with a sinus infection and bronchitis. I played on Facebook. A lot. I read and commented on all of your blogs. And, of course I got all caught up with my favorite Television Series.
I managed to watch Every.Single.Episode of Season One, Two, and Three of ‘Breaking Bad‘, along with a new show ‘The Killing‘ on AMC. Now, I may have mentioned before that I do NOT like to watch anything scary. But apparently, I DO enjoy watching all things disturbing. Oh, and I also finished watching every episode of the new series on Showtime, ‘Shameless‘, along with an old favorite ‘Nurse Jackie‘.
However, the bad things about being laid up, and sick in bed all week, with a sinus infection and bronchitis, was feeling useless. And worthless. I was unable to exercise, or write, or accomplish anything substantial on any of my To Do Lists. I had way too much time on my hands to over-think everything little thing. And being stuck inside my own head is NEVER a good place for me. Plus, I was supposed to take a ‘Road Trip’ up to ‘New Hampshire’ to visit with my best girlfriend, Leslie, of 25+ years. Obviously, much to my disappointment, I had to cancel those plans. Of course that just inevitably sent me into one of those good old fashioned downward spirals filled with all that glorious self-pity. So, it’s only fair to warn you that this post isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. If you’re looking for something short, sweet, and funny to read, you might want to come back later this week.
Anyway, just when I was feeling completely miserable, and after watching one too many television shows, I figured a really good movie might lift my spirits. And even though I heard really mixed reviews, I decided to go ahead and rent the movie ‘Love And Other Drugs’.
All I can say is, “Wow, wow, wow, and wow.” And not just because I *love* Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. And, not just because I think the two of them should be the new ‘Tom Hanks’ and ‘Meg Ryan’ for all of Hollywood’s Romantic Comedies.
But because it was a movie that really spoke to me on a very personal level.
About the movie:
Maggie (Hathaway) is an alluring free spirit who won’t let anyone – or anything – tie her down. But she meets her match in Jamie (Gyllenhaal), whose relentless and nearly infallible charm serve him well with the ladies and in the cutthroat world of pharmaceutical sales. Early-onset Parkinson’s adds to Maggie’s mistrust of attachments. Jamie starts to fall for her about the time Viagra hits the market and makes him a sales superstar. When he becomes her knight errant in quest of a cure, she makes it clear that pity, entangling alliances, and being defined by her disease are off the table. Maggie and Jamie’s evolving relationship takes them both by surprise, as they find themselves under the influence of the ultimate drug: love.
[For those of you who have not seen the movie, don’t worry, I am not going to give away any spoilers in this blog post *insert pinky swear*.]
Moving along…
As I was watched the movie, I completely identified with the lead character Maggie. I understood the way she thought, I understood the way she felt, and I understood why she behaved the way she did. I saw a lot of myself in that character. When the movie ended I began thinking about my own dating life [or lack thereof]. And then I thought a lot about illnesses, mostly because of my own ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’.
I like to say that I am single because I am not interested in dating. And for the most part, that’s true. I mean, I really have no desire to put on ‘Real Pants’ or ‘Make Up’ just to sit through that uncomfortable silence that is the awkwardness that comes with any ‘First Date’. And I also don’t want to wait around for six months for that person to finally reveal their true colors. Because, let’s be honest here, no one acts like themselves in the beginning.
I have been pretty great, single. Happy even. It’s been nice with no one else demanding, wanting or needing things from me. When I am not writing, I’d much rather hang out with my girlfriends, spend time at my county club, or play golf. And it’s positively agreeable that any man in my life could become a major distraction from reaching my goals.
The best part of being this single, besides not having to shave my legs, has been the sheer freedom; to do what I want, when I want, with who I want, and not answering to, or considering anyone else’s needs or feelings. It’s one less person to clean up after. It’s one less load of laundry, and I never ever have to share the remote, or my blankets, or fake interest in sporting events.
Except that sometimes, it’s NOT always super awesome to feel lonely.
And there are days when I feel incredibly lonely.
Painfully. Lonely.
And yet, I am not willing to do anything to change that.
There is a part of me that doesn’t even want to TRY dating – simply because I don’t want to subject anyone else to my brand of crazy.
Let me explain…
Much like the character Maggie, I have some serious health issues.
And much like her, I never want my medical conditions to become someone else’s burdens.
It’s one thing for my family to have to take care of me. That’s their job. They’re screwed.
But I wouldn’t want to put anyone else through this. And just like the character in the movie, I certainly don’t want to be responsible for holding someone else back from achieving their own goals.
There is a scene in the movie that better explains what I am trying to say here. And it goes like this:
Maggie: I’m going need you, more than you need me.
Jamie: That’s okay.
Maggie: [crying] No it’s not. It isn’t fair. I have places to go!
Jamie: You’ll go there. I just may have to carry you.
Maggie: I can’t ask you to do that.
Jamie: You didn’t.
It has taken me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that my ‘Quality Of Life’ has been hijacked as a direct result of my health problems. It’s also taken me VERY along time to accept that I will forever have to live within certain limitations. And I refuse to ask, or remotely expect, ANYONE to take care of me, the way my family does.
You see, I have Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, and Two Ulcers. In addition, I also have severe Food Allergies. If I eat the wrong food, I can go into Anaphylactic Shock and die. My most recent tests showed that I am allergic to everything on this list.
Did you read that list?
Good.
Now can you imagine being on a date with me, and trying to order something from a menu?
Or constantly reading labels on food containers in the grocery store?
Or always making sure there is enough Benadryl and Epi-Pens on hand?
Or being forced to drive to the Emergency Room?
And countless doctors appointments?
All. The. Time.
No.
Me either.
But I have to, because that IS my life.
And let’s not forget that I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when it comes to cleanliness. When I am nervous I twirl my hair uncontrollably. I am high-anxiety and high-maintenance. I am self-absorbed and very selfish. I don’t like to share. Anything. I will never be able to hold down a full-time job again, not like I used to. I drive too fast. And, I am loud. In 2007, due to my health issues, I had to move back in with my parents. Oh and did I mention there’s a pretty good possibility that I will eventually end up with Alzheimer’s disease just like the other women in my family?
Any takers?
I didn’t think so.
There’s another scene in the movie, where Maggie says something along the lines of, “I wouldn’t want to date a sick person.”
And I totally got that too.
Seriously, people. I would NOT want to date someone like me, either.
I guess that’s why I spend so much time keeping people at arms length. I’ve built up so many walls in the interest of protecting myself that I doubt I’d be willing to tear those down and allow myself to be truly vulnerable with another person.
Maybe there is some one out there, who will love me unconditionally and all that jazz, just like in the movies. However, I am well aware of the sacrifices my own family has had to make and how much my disease has negatively affected them. Like how worried my mother was when my weight plummeted to under 90lbs. How my son used to refuse to go to school if I was sick, so that he could stay home and take care of his mommy. And all of the times my father’s missed work because he was too busy driving me around to a million doctors.
And I always end up feeling so incredibly guilty.
And, I always end up feeling like I am broken, damaged goods.
So why would I ever want to subject, yet another person – to all of that?
I don’t.
And I guess that’s my point.
And I guess that’s the real reason I don’t want to date anyone right now.
Besides, I don’t handle rejection very well.
Or maybe, I am just hiding behind my medical issues and using them as an excuse so that I never have to get crushed again?
I don’t know.
* So tell me boys and girls, would YOU date and/or marry a really sick person?
Mel, It’s not about a sick person, or a well person, it’s about the person. That could be any one of us. We never know what life may have in store for us, we could wake up one morning, and in the blink of an eye, our whole world could be turned upside down. But to miss what could be, for fear of making your conditions someone else’s burden, steals an opportunity from not only you, but someone lucky enough to share time with you. In my view, from out here at arm’s (and keyboard’s) length away, I’ve seen a beautiful, talented, amazing, funny person with more spirit and life than many of the well/sane people I’ve known. It doesn’t have to be about being single, or being with someone, it should be about being happy. And that shouldn’t depend on ‘conditions’, but feelings, and you shouldn’t ignore or hide from them, just to ‘spare’ someone. When you care about someone, it’s not a sacrifice, it’s caring and supporting. So, you drive too fast, you’re loud, and have your own brand of crazy, Hell, what’s not to love about that? So, to answer your question, Yes, I would. Now, I just have to come up with a story for the wife….
Mel, you are a warm, funny person, and deserve to be loved…….dont sell yourself short. Everyone has limitations. Yours is illness. It doesnt make you any less deserving for love than anyone else. Find someone and build a life together. you may be ill, and he can help you there, but he may need your help in other aspects. Its all give and take, and from what i see, you have a lot to give. keep your heart open, my friend.
Aw. Jim. You’re always so good to me.
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you, Christine.
I just don’t think I even have the energy/desire to date.
At least not right now.
Meleah – On the date or not to date issue, you had me at : “I also don’t want to wait around for six months for that person to finally reveal their true colors. Because, let’s be honest here, no one acts like themselves in the beginning.” — I couldn’t agree more !!
But, on the other stuff: Honestly, no one knows what they are signing up for when they get involved with someone else. You could meet someone and fall in love with them, who at this moment in time has no apparent health issues or emotional problems. And then tomorrow, something happens that changes all that – and the tables are turned. And you have to take care of them.
Life is strange. You never know what will happen and when it will happen.
I totally “get” the fear of rejection. It’s hard to put yourself out there. And there ARE selfish people out there who might not consider you because of your health problems – they might not see past them.
From what I know of you, I believe you are an exceptional person who has an amazing outlook on life. I really do believe that there ARE many quality people who would feel that you ARE WORTH the “baggage” you bring to the table. And you are VERY upfront about your baggage. How many people hide their baggage and it is only revealed over time when their fascade slips?
I felt sad reading this, and sorry that you have to deal with serious health issues. Life isn’t always easy but it can be beautiful. You’re not dating now, and I can understand your feelings. However, like many others have already said, there is someone out there just waiting to find your wonderful self, and when the time is right, you’ll meet him. Likely when and where you least expect it. Life has a way of surprising us. Until then focus on yourself and enjoy the life you are building with family and friends who obviously care a lot about you.
Firstly, I loved the movie.
Secondly, aww honey, I would date you, no question about it! Any guy who isn’t willing to let love overcome illness isn’t worth having.The right person wouldn’t mind even if you had a conjoined twin stuck to the side of your head, he’d love you for what you are. Don’t let your medical condition dictate what you do, or who you are, you’re not your illness, you’re Meleah, and you rule.
Thank you, Diana.
You’re right. At least I don’t hide my crazy.
I let it all hang out there – from jump street.
No one will be waiting for 6 months to find out what I’m REALLY like.
And I suppose that IS a GREAT quality.
Your supportive words mean a lot to me.
Thank you, Linda.
You’re right.
I have much MORE positive things in my life that I should be focusing on
right now.
Thank you, Linda.
You’re right.
I have much MORE positive things in my life that I should be focusing on
right now.
AWW!! Ziva! YOU RULE.
And if you weren’t ALREADY getting married, I’d marry you too!
AWW!! Ziva! YOU RULE.
And if you weren’t ALREADY getting married, I’d marry you too!
AWW!! Ziva! YOU RULE.
And if you weren’t ALREADY getting married, I’d marry you too!
This is an incredibly powerful piece. I really struggle a lot in my nearly six year relationship with Jay because of all my health problems. For this reason, I am not as strong as you. I cannot watch this film. I too do not want to be carried, cared for, lose my independence. I am also OCD clean, anxious, etc. I have multiple sclerosis. I have had symptoms since the age of fourteen. Mike, my big bro, used to wonder why I was so tired all the time. Then my poor family wondered why I was so difficult much of the time. Time has passed and though I would like to think I am less difficult, perhaps I am not. Thank you for speaking your truth. You have touched my heart today in a way you cannot imagine. -Alison
Wow, what an honest piece of writing. I’m not the one to ask dating questions, like you, I have a big wall around me too. I’ve been burned several times and I don’t know if I’ll ever date or get involved with anyone again. Luckily I’m kind of a loner and don’t mind spending big chunks of time alone. I think you’re moving along your path in life just fine, Meleah. As I always say, I try to take life on drink at a time! I’m glad you’re feeling better.
Oh, Alison!
I love you girl.
And, at least we have each other to deal with this stuff.
Right?
I’m glad I was able to touch your heart.
And, I am glad that I am not alone in this struggle.
My brother’s girlfriend has MS.
And even though I don’t know exactly how you feel,
I can CERTAINLY relate to you.
“I try to take life on drink at a time!” That’s going to be my NEW motto! Thanks, Marty!
Kudo’s to your friends,
Obviously they think you’re worth it.
I was with a girl. who I adored, 2 years after we were together she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She was 25, colon cancer is an old man’s disease they told us. After3 surgeries and 2 chemos, she started to get a little better. She broke up with me to spare me of “the burden”. She ended up having a relapse a few months later, I asked he to marry me. Well, it never happened, and it was never a burden. The verge of bankuptsy was stessful, and caring for her wasn’t easy, but I would probably do it again. Good people can be hard to find. I’ve been single for 10 years for all of the thing written in all your comments. I’m happy, but do miss the companion aspect of it.
That said, I would have a drink with you, or a round of golf (I’m really bad), but srill try.
What a long strange trip it’s been
RC
* love to have a drink with you
* I still try
Thank you, thank you for sharing that with me.
And for the lovely offer.
Meleah,
So much of dating someone has to do with their attitude about life. Even though you’re sick, you are still brimming with enthusiasm about life and people. I’m sure the next person you have a relationship with-if you choose to put yourself out there-will appreciate you for all the great qualities you bring to the relationship, and not focus on your ailments. Because really, all of us are sick in some ways. Physical. Emotional. Psychological. Etc.
But I’m glad you’re happy being single. Hope the golf game is good these days.
Sai
Hey you! I’ve missed you, Sai!
And thank you. I needed that reminder.
Yes I would. I am now and will be forever a hopeless romantic. Yes I get very lonely. Also horny. But at least I can take matters into my own hands with the latter.
HA!
HA!
Hi Meleah. Very insightful blog. I have been married to a really sick person for most of 27 years. I am pretty much her care giver, and I am okay with that because she is my best friend and I love her very much. So while you indeed do have some severe issues that you are dealing with, there is always the possibilty that there is someone out there who needs to give of themselves as much as you need companionship. I am thankful for my wife’s being there as I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1999 and have been pretty symptom free until this year. I know that she understands what pain and disability are all about, so I have a kindred spirit to be with. Fortunately I am still able bodied enough to take up the slack around the house as well as to care for her. Meleah, you take care and take good care of yourself.
Glad to hear you’re feeling better 😀
Thank you, Ron Wright.
Thank you, Ron Wright.
Thanks Nick! Me too!
Glad to see you are feeling better. That is one heck of a ‘can’t eat’ list.
Yeah, it’s difficult.
You should see my poor father trying to cook dinner for me.
im glad your feeling better.
i am fairly convinced i have crohns too, but ive been to 2 checkups and they say it is something else. i dont believe them for shit.
Well, first of all HUGS… What a crap hole of a deal you got dealt. I’m really sorry. You’re one of the most upbeat, fun people I’ve met in the blogosphere and I had no idea of what you live with on a daily basis.
As for dating, I’m the last person to give advice. Haven’t dated in years and don’t miss it. Like you I have issues with sharing — and then there’s that compromise thing and they always expect me to do some. You have such a great family and so many friends and activities you enjoy. Your life sounds very full and you’re surrounded by people who adore you. I wouldn’t spend much time mourning the demise of your dating life.
And finally, more HUGS.
You’re punny, Slyde!
This one has hit close to home. My wife and I were married for seven years when I got sick. I was aware of things like this (http://www.webmd.com/cancer/news/20091112/serious-illness-men-leave-women-stay ), “Within an average of six months of diagnosis (range one to 14 months) 60 of the patients became divorced or separated.”
I felt incredibly guilty for letting her down. I couldn’t work any more. I couldn’t do the house keeping like I used to do. I didn’t have the energy to be there for her like I had been. Everything that I had my identity wrapped in was gone, I had to start over.
Weasel just took it in stride though. She had my back with doctors, put up with all sorts of scary things and still loved me.
After a bit of therapy, I was able to get some clarity. The question that helped most: what would I have done if she’d been the one to fall ill. I absolutely would have been at every appointment with her, would have taken care of her to the best of my abilities.
It shifted my perspective and I understood that love doesn’t stop with illness. It changes the way you work together as a couple, but with clear communication all of it can be overcome.
Personally, I think we’re stronger now than ever before. I think we get stronger every year regardless of my health.
To answer your question, I absolutely would date someone who is ill. If they ‘got’ me, entertained me, liked me and wanted to be with me and vice versa… it isn’t a question any more. I’d do anything and everything I could to ensure that person stays in my life.
Aw. Jayne!
That means a lot coming from you.
And your size 4 ass!
Thank you, my friend!!
Oh. My. God.
THAT is EXACTLY how I feel.
Like I am always letting people down.
Because I can NOT be – who I used to be.
And THAT makes me REALLY sad sometimes.
Thank you, for giving me some hope again.
hey, i wasnt intending to be punny. im just naturally gifted.
i really DO think i have crohns.. i have all the same symptons, and sometimes really badly.
p.s. i tried to friend you on facebook the other day.. do you hate me?
I’m Meleah Rebeccah Hawthorne on FB
And I could NEVER hate you Slyde!
You’re one of my favorite people!
> all caught up with my favorite Television Series
Sometimes that is just life at its finest.
I’m glad you’re feeling better.
Glad you’re feeling better, Meleah!
Yeah, there’s no “right” time to be single or to be with someone, and the circumstances around when it happens or doesn’t is a mystery. I guess that’s just how life rolls. But being single for long stretches of time myself, I totally get the freedom aspect, although on some days it can suck.
(Damn. I keep forgetting to get into Breaking Bad!)
Agreed!
You MUST see ‘Breaking Bad.’ It’s sheer genius.
In fact, I might even say it’s better than Dexter.
You MUST see ‘Breaking Bad.’ It’s sheer genius.
In fact, I might even say it’s better than Dexter.
It’s totally understandable where you come from and the way how you feel. I have my own personal problems, which can not compare and also my own reasons as to why I don’t date either. Same thing with letting people too close emotionally and avoiding feelings getting hurt or even out there. However, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to hang out with you. My issue is always distance, but I’d still be willing to even go have a drink with you next to your toilet. Just close the door when you need to take care of business. Or maybe not cause Im a freak and we can still talk in the meantime 😛
Awww!! Porkstar, you are awesomeness.
And, yes.
I would love to take you up on that drink offer in the very near future!
I hope you’ve allowed yourself to grieve for your previous life? It is okay to be sad and miss the old you.
I really love that you share things like this, it makes me feel better about what I’ve gone through. Anyone who has been ill is going to mirror your thoughts and having someone to share it with helps.
xoxoxo
I think you’re under-valuing yourself. If you weren’t an interesting person, all of us wouldn’t keep coming back to read about your life. I’m sure there is someone out there who would love to be with you. Someone who doesn’t care if dress up or don’t shave your legs. Someone who won’t nag you or groan at your required eating habits. I was single for a LONG time before I met Jules, and really had no interest in dating anyone. I was a lot like you in that regard – I had always been accustomed to doing things my way, and not having to worry about appeasing the other person. At the same time, though, there were times when I got painfully lonely. Jules is an amazing girl, though. She never nags me… she lets me do what I want… she doesn’t care if I don’t dress up, or neglect to shave for a week at a time.
I’m sure there is someone out there for you. It’ll just happen when the time is right. Take it from someone who thought he’d never find anyone. 🙂