It’s Wednesday and I haven’t blogged in 48 hours, ahh-ha, no wonder why I feel so out of sorts with myself. Well, I’ve been having a bad few days. Not “sickâ€days, just bad days. Those low self esteem kind of days. I’m sure no one wants to hear about this crap, but I will feel better (maybe?) hopefully? after writing this….
May I suggest that you look away, because the self loathing and wallowing in self pity will commence in three, two, one… NOW….
Maybe it’s because I have lost so much weight and rapidly? Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t been subject to any sort of tanning and/or sun? Maybe it’s because I am on a zillion kinds of pills and medications? Maybe I am just in a funk. Or, maybe it is because the holidays have a way of kicking my ass (and also leave me feeling like a shitty parent / friend when I can’t reciprocate with gifts…. but that’s a whole other shitty story and let’s take one shitty topic at a time m’kay?)
So…here I am feeling bad about myself.
I don’t like my appearance much these days. I hate my hair, I always have, it’s curly and unruly. I have bad hair and bad hair things, but I am used to that. I hate my body, I always have, thus the $20,000.00 that has been spent on plastic surgery (which did help me feel better so may I be so bold and say to anyone considering it… hell yes! it is worth every penny.) So, I’m used to hating my body.
But this new self-hate, is really bothering me. I feel like I am sooo old. My skin looks so old. I am only 32. I know people in their 40’s that have better looking skin than I do right now. I’m pale, and pasty. I look as medicated as I am with my fucked up glazed eyes. I look at my face and I am miserable at the reflection looking back at me. I don’t have any fancy cosmetics to cover what appears to me, to be: age spots and freckles mixed in with acne scars, even make-up looks BAD on me. I look like an aged stripper trying to look young when I ware make up. (and I make a lot of fun of people who look like that)
I see my dermatologist every two week for treatments, but, I can’t afford the lavish skin care products I so desire.
I am doing everything in my power to desperately hold onto some sort of youthful “glow.†However there is nothing YOUTHFUL looking left on this face.
I know the aging process is normal, we all have to deal with it, but I am not good at dealing with such issues. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay to VAIN to age well.
Now, feeling all down and out about ones self, for some reason makes you highly sensitive to what otherwise would have and could have been shrugged off.
Here are three perfect examples of shit that made me cry this week:
DAWSON – a.k.a. – B-DAWG (my male BFF) said to me… “You look different in these pictures.â€
I said, “What do you mean different?â€
Cut to 25 minutes later of me demanding a better answer (because IN MY OWN HEAD the lack thereof meant I was too ugly to even reply to, therefore he was buying time repeating, “You just look different†while conjuring up other ways to tell me I am a has-been) and I got this …as my answer…
“You look non-descript. You don’t look good or bad. Just differentâ€
WTF is that?
Having over heard the phone conversation I had with Brian, I asked my son what he thought …. BIG MISTAKE….
“What does mommy look like to you?†I asked….
(Totally expecting the “mommy you are the most beautiful woman alive†answer)
NOPE!
I get this…… “Well, Mommy, you’re not ugly, or pretty. But there are some things you can do to be pretty, like make your hair blonde.â€
WTF is THAT!
And I guess the ICING on the “I’m a piece of shit†cake, was when I rejected some loser on myspace as a friend …. so, in retaliation, his reply was “Well you’re not that hot anyway, and my friends think you look 45.â€
I know I should not take what some dude on myspace who probably lives at home with his parents in the basement and doesn’t have a job, seriously. (And as I have mentioned before (a million times) I only have a myspace account for actual friends and for long lost higschool friends….. I would never use that sight for my dating purposes….shudder…..)
But all three of these comments are under my already overly aged, worn down skin.
I am not as bullet proof as I used to be. Also, in my old age, I am not as tough or as cool as I once was. I need some validation and right quick.
Yes, I will go to a g*ddamned store in my pajamas. Yes, I will drive my car while wearing my fur coat and pink hello kitty slippers on my feet. There are weeks when I don’t “do my hair†at all, it’s a wash and toss job.
But… my face?! What’s happening to my face?
Why do I look so……… beaten down? tired? sick? How do I fix this?
Drastic hair changes?
More plastic surgery? and become one of those women on the EChannel or try to get onto the TV show DR 90210?
hmmmmmmmmm……….
YOU ARE JUST AS HOT AS YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. SO STOP YOUR WINING.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!!
NO ONE BEATS UP ON ME BETTER THAN MYSELF.
I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE SUFFERING IN ANY FASHION, WHAT-SO-EVERAND EMPATHIZE WITH YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY MELEAH.
NOW SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
Olly Mr O
I am NOT letting some looser affect my feelings, it was all the things combined… dont start in with the I’m stupid now too bit… I am not being dumb. I am simply having a BAD day!!
I THINK YOU’RE PRETTY.
I THINK YOUR HOT.
I THINK YOUR BEAUTIFUL.
I THINK YOUR EYES ARE AWESOME.
I THINK YOUR SMILE IS WONDERFUL.
I THINK YOUR BODY IS SLAMMIN.
ANYONE WHO THINKS OR SAYS OTHERWISE…PROBABLY HAS TO GO HOME TO AN UGLY ASS WIFE, OR UGLY ASS GIRLFRIENDS.
THE PERSON FROM “MYSPACE” HAS NO LIFE. THEREFORE WHEN YOU REJECTED HIM HE FELT HURT. SO HURT HE HAD TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS SOMEHOW.
FYI:
DON’T LET PEOPLE YOU DONT EVEN KNOW EFFECT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, AND LEAVE YOU STRESSED OVER YOUR PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES.
THATS FUCKED UP…YOU’RE SMARTER THAN THAT.
As a rule of thumb in my own personal experience, you can really do a number on yourself asking questions of that nature. Hope you’re feeling better!
Its a new day… and someone I would never EXPECT to even be nice to me… paid me a compliment of some kind today.
“Meleah, you look so much better. You have color in your face today.”
I said “Thank you, new meds must be working..”
I do feel better today. Thanks for your concern Michael.
By the way Michael, who are you? I click on your link and its set to private. I’d love to see your blog, since you read mine, or at least shoot you and email thanking you! You can send me an email if you don’t want me to view your blog … send email to
mhawthorne @ optonline . net
Thanks!!!
THANK YOU AL!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
I needed THAT!!!!
Dear Meleah
I just read Wednesday’s blog. What are you, out of your effin mind??! I’ve worked with some of the most beautiful women in the world from the film industry, TV, Porn, Strippers, Dancers, etc. I may be 61 but I ain’t blind or stupid when it comes to the charms of Womankind. So, here’s the skinny: You, Meleah Hawthorne, are hot enough to raise blisters on a man. Don’t confuse what happens to all of us with some sort of physical decay. When we know each other better (and have had a few drinks), I will tell you something I noticed about you that MADE me love you. It’s something you’ll never guess but, because you have the soul of a writer, you’ll understand. And remember: ALL BEAUTY FADES (Rosenberg’s 1st Law Of Runway Modeling). What we all have to learn to do is work what we’ve got. I’ve never been a great looking guy but, except for now, I have always had a woman/women in my life (usually one because that’s who I am). It ain’t ’cause of my looks. I tried to learn to be a better man to women. In your case, sex and heat radiate off of you.In addition, you’re brilliant, fiery and have a great sense of humor. Y’know there aren’t many combinations that are better in a woman than the ones you have. You’re a sailor’s dream if the sailor is also an intellectual and/or an artist. (Boy, reading you beat up on yourself really provokes a long comment doesn’t it?) And another thing: some asshole on the ‘net said you weren’t hot? He was probably just depressed because his hand rejected him. He doesn’t deserve a woman as hot as you! Few men do. Don’t believe some jerkwad who’s never met you; believe me – I’ve seen you up close and seen what you can do to a bar full of men. You ain’t lost a step, baby. One tip: too many of your pictures depict you as sad. That’s a side of you I’ve read about but never seen. I’d like to see more smiling Meleah. Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, think beautiful because you are, OK?
XXOO
from an admirer
Al
Dye your hair blonde??? Hmmm!
Justin may be onto something!!! He’s obviously a very perceptive child…
On a positive note, atleast you don’t look like you indulged yourself in a feeding frenzy, or hijacked a boxcar full of cream filled twinkees… Brian
PS: As regards to a mutual acquaintance,… I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly… I guess I was wrong… Ah me…
I could never be BLONDE!
…and I’m too sick and vain to be FAT (at least for now) since I can’t endulge in a feeding frenzy.
Maybe when I am feeling better I will pack on a serious 40-50 lbs?
On secong thought….Nah! (I like being skinny, just not sickly…)
BFD- “ I agree with your father “You take a SHIT picture.”
ME- “But, I look much better in real life right?â€
BFD- “I wouldn’t say that…â€
ME- “you’re an assholeâ€
*per phone call with male BFF one Brian Dawson / BDAWG…
*per email:
Are you retarded… You’re still a hotie! Plus, … you’re not just a pretty face… You have a good personality… Brian Dawson
jees, was that so HARD to say!!!
Okay AL, good idea… more SMILING, less SAD faces… I will work on that!
hmm… maybe jennifer can schedule me one of thoes photo shoots she has all the time to ensure a good picture?
(I wont be wearing a bikini or any underware, or any thing too revealing in my photo shoot pictures, but maybe something that makes me look FRESH, and YOUNG, and NORMAL, and HAPPY??)
you make me laugh…even though you told me the story I still cracked up.. Remember not everyone takes pride in what they do and is very “customer service oriented” like you are.. Boy I wish you worked for me…but then i would be hanging in your office all day. xoxoxo..
Bob.. your favorite.. (well I can hope can;t I)
SMACK your Brian for me. nothing tweaks me faster than being EXPECTED to be “jolly” now that I’m fat. I wasn’t fucking jolly when I was supermodel thing, why the hell would I be now? And yes, I KNOW he was not referring to me… it just struck an oversensitive 40 pounds overweight nerve. xoxo
Oh ………MICHAEL!!!
I know excalty who you are!! OKAY!!
I feel better now!!
ROBERTO!!! Love you!!!
Leslie.. Thank you!
Smoking-I know and I am going on the PATCH JAN 1st.
Pics- yes, I am sick and i look sick, I HOPE to look and feel better SOOOOOOOON!!!
Anonymous… DAWSON will be SMACKED
Meleah, you are a beautiful person… I will forever remember you and all the embodies the beauty that is you.
Thank you Mel…
Devin
Thank You Devin!
Theres something about cascade that will forever BOND us, and see each other the way we are ment to be seen.
we will ALL always be a part of each other! cascade did that for us ( if thats all it did) it was worth it! now he have a permenant “family” even if we are scattered across the country.
(sorry for the ream job!!!)
did you deserve it? or was i just being a bitch?!
You are a part of me, if I like it or not. You “reamed” me, once…… Oh it felt so good, and bad..
Thanks Meleah,
Devin
Hah Mel,
Prolly a little of both, but thank you none the less…
Happy new year to you…
Devin
same to you Devin!!!
And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you look wonderful!
HOLLY
THANK YOU HOLLZ!!!
oh screw you for being so hot !
FLINT
DOOD! YOU ARE HOT AS HELL WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!!!
muhahahahh whoa nellie! the girls are hotttt
FLINT
YES…. YES THEY ARE!!!
I was just enjoying those photos of you in the water and thinking when I might see you…Hmmm
FLINT
WELL EITHER YOU COME TO THE EAST COAST, OR I WILL HAVE TO ORGANIZE A CA TRIP TO SEE YOUR FINE SELF
Hi Beautiful. Give me a call if you want to talk to me about today!
LEE V
Im feeling BETTER already… but I will call.
you look incredible in a Tshirt and jeans, the PINK picture took my breath away (I currently have an oxygen mask on), you look as stunning in a black dress(pic with mom and dad) as you do in a white tank top and plaid pjs, and lastly (for now) you look good with a bandaid on your arm!!!!
One last thing. Please call your plastic surgeon and thank him for me for his incredible work. (Methea quote: “I cant FAKE anything, there is NOTHING fake about me (other than my boobs)”
🙂 Have a great night bella donna!
Gary
my plastic surgeon is my HERO (him and LESLIE)
you are smart/well read, gorgeous, look italian, have a cute boy, are creative(it looks like you are a writer and definitely are an artist), wear the h*ll out of a bikini..lol, and, well, ill stop here because i need to work.
thank you!
Hi there! Well, I was just browsing and came across your profile and it seemed kinda cool, not to mention I think you are really sexy. I just wanted to say hello and drop you line.
Tom
why thank you TOM (who ever you are)
just had to let ya know that i think i may be in love with you…. its either that or an extremely strong lust… same thing… 😀 WOW, stunning
Mat-Ch
Myspace
PS fuck that loooser
ha ha ha THANK YOU MATT CHU!
um if you dont mind me saying your breath taking
Norm (myspace)
Well. Where to begin.
I just looked at all 202 of your random pics and I must say not only do I think I have a feel for who you might be but also I have some questions.
Whats up with all the bathroom shots? Making sure the outfits are working? If that is why let me tell you sweetie everything works on you.
I said it before ill say it again. You are frikin beautiful. And I hate that you live in Jersey.
I know why I am so attracted to you. Its because you look like Leah Remini who I adore.
Im sorry to say im not as good lookin as you but im okay lol.
Harry