I Could Use Some Rainbows And Unicorns

Let me start by stating I do NOT like scary movies.

At. All.

I do not like scary movies in a box.
I do not like scary movies with a fox.
I do not like scary movies in a house.
I do not like scary movies with a mouse.
I do not like scary movies here or there.
I do not like scary movies anywhere.

I also do NOT like anything haunted, spooky, creepy, ghostly, sinister, or eerie. I have spent my most of my life avoiding All Things Scary.

However, in the spirit of the ‘Halloween Season’ my son with his two best friends, and my girlfriends wanted to go on a ‘Haunted Hayride’ complete with a creepy corn maze also known as ‘The Field Of Terror’ followed by seeing a scary movie.

[Frick.]

Against my free will and better judgment I reluctantly agreed to go with my peeps.

When we arrived at ‘The Field Of Terror’ my girlfriend Tiffany’s son Marco (who is only 8 years old) was NOT feeling it. No Way. No How. He was not going on this ‘Haunted Hayride’. In fact, he was not getting out of the car. It was virtually impossible to convince Marco this would be fun.

[Insert Marco’s temper-tantrum.]

Meanwhile, I was secretly hoping that Marco’s tantrum would prevent ME from having to put on a brave face and deal with being traumatized by fake blood and ghoulish characters armed with chainsaws jumping out in the pitch blackness of a cornfield.

[After all, I am trying to decrease my panic attacks. Not induce them.]

Alas, after quite some coaxing Marco came out of the car. With his tear stained face and racing heartbeat, we all headed over to purchase the tickets.

[Damn.]

As we approached the ticket counter in all of it’s gory splendor, Marco became hesitant again. I over heard the lady selling the tickets for ‘The Field Of Terror’ telling another patron the ‘Haunted Hayride’ lasted at least Forty-Five minutes.

Huh? What? How long? Um…

[Insert exessive sweating.]

Then we learned the tickets cost $20.00 per person. No discounts. Not even for the children. For all of us, it would have cost $140.00. And that’s just ridiculous. Besides, the walk through the 6-acre field would take so long we would have never been able to make the movie on time.

And with that?

We Left.

[YAY!  Whew!]

*Important Notice. ‘Corner Of Chaos’ is the REAL & ACTUAL place I was supposed to be. I swear on everything holy, there is not enough Xanax in the world to calm me down had I been subject to that. Marco and I feel utterly relieved to have narrowly escaped that gruesome event.*

But. I digress.

[Back To My Evening.]

We decided to stop at TGI Friday’s for appetizers and drinks, since we still had 40 minutes to kill before the movie.

[Sidebar: My friend Jennifer is kind of like me when it comes to scary movies. She is not really a fan of blood. In fact, she has a tendency to faint at the sight of her own blood. Both her and I were secretly wishing dinner would run long so we would miss the movie all together.]

Shockingly (and possible unfortunately) our service was the fastest service I’ve ever received in any restaurant. The food came and the check was paid before any of us could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

It was time to see Quarantine.

[Double Frick.]

Um. Yeah. Well.

Long story short?

Forty minutes into watching the movie sucking my thumb with my eyes closed as Jen distracted herself silently text messaging, the two of us walked out of the movie.

I felt nauseas from the shaky camera work. It was almost as if I had been on a cruise ship lost at sea for weeks and was suffering from motion sickness. I had dull headache from the unnecessary loud banging sounds. Not to mention the fact that I was actually scared.

[Sidebar: I’ve walked out on almost every scary movie I have ever been to. With the exception of The Sixth Sense. Which subsequently provided me with a solid year of nightmares.]

Jen and I went outside so that I could enjoy a smoke while the rest of the gang stayed in the movie theater to watch the final horror scenes unfold.

After my smoke, we headed back to the theater only discover we were now LOCKED OUT.

*Awesome*

We frantically tried every single locked door to no avail. Suddenly a mild panic attack overtook the both of us knowing the rest of our group inside of the movie had turned off all of their cell phones. There was no way we could contact any of them to let us back in the building. Thankfully, an employee still cleaning up his popcorn stand saw us and let us back in.

[Sigh of relief.]

Jen and I hung out in the waiting area until the movie ended. A mere 20 minutes later Tiffany and the boys exited the movie. All the while talking about how DUMB an NOT SCARY the movie was.

[Yeah. Maybe for YOU guys.]

We piled into the ‘Fanny Mobile’ (that’s what we call Tiffany’s MiniVan) and began our trek to her house.  We had all met at Tiffany’s and it was time to get back to our own perspective vehicles.

I realized just how scared I was, on my drive home from Tiffany’s house. Normally, I am a ‘back-road bitch’, but after seeing that movie, I kept imagining the rabies-infested-zombies springing out of the bushes and landing on to my car. Even though, I took the main highway I kept creeping myself out.

Have I mentioned that I do not like scary movies?

When I was finally safe at home not even  Chelsea Handler on The E Channel could calm me down.

Seriously.

This is why I cannot watch scary movies. I tend to suspend all disbelief and no matter how many times I tell myself it’s fake and bad make up, I continue to hold on to the thought this is REALLY happening.

So, I am going to spend my day today watching old episodes of ‘The Care Bears’ on a continuous loop until I can get those horrifying images out of my head.

I Could Use Some Rainbows And Unicorns Right About Now.