[Okay people. I have moved passed the initial ‘SHOCK’. I have made it through wading and swimming in the waters of anger and depression. I am beginning the acceptance process. I am sorry that I haven’t been online, or over to any of your blogs. But I’m back. I Am Back.]
I still can’t seem to find the right words to make what I am dealing with truly funny.
And I still can’t figure out exactly how to sell my ‘readers’ on WHY ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ That Hijacked The ‘Quality Of My Life’ Which Makes Me Feel ‘Depressed’ And ‘Angry’ Not To Mention ‘Starving’ Leaving Me ‘Anxious’ ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ And ‘Completely Insecure’ While ‘Circling The Emotional Drain’ IS = “Super Awesome.”
Nonetheless, here is my 1st attempt at making ‘light’ of all of the aforementioned situations.
I could…write this post about how scary it is to take all of the required tests in order to determine the severity of ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions.’ I could tell you how much I hate needles that I get so ‘Anxious’ complete with sweaty palms like that of a teenage boy I tend to faint. I could share tales of my superficial rolling veins making it virtually impossible for anyone to draw blood successfully on the first attempt. Or how I feel like a walking science experiment forever on display in a paper gown.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will appreciate the humor when the phlebotomist deemed it appropriate to have my blood drawn in the children’s ward, while my father sought revenge taking photos of me.
(*The Complete Set Of Photos Can Be Found HERE *)
I could…write an endless number of paragraphs about my food allergies. I could write about how I wished I knew that was the last slice of pizza I was ever going to eat, or the last beer I was ever going to drink. Because if I had, I would have eaten a whole pie to myself and washed it down with a case of Corona.
I could…complain for weeks on end, because I can’t eat a hamburger at a barbeque, or a hotdog at a ball game. I could cry from the rooftops about why it’s not fair and how hard it is going to be over the holidays when I will have to sit and watch everyone else eating all of the things I love.
But, I wont.
Instead…I will delve head first into three pounds of Lobster drizzled in obscene amounts of melted buttery goodness. Delighted, in knowing I never have to ‘share’ any of my food. I shall consume all of the sumptuousness and extravagance that are expensive fish products, until I get Mercury Poisoning. (Ah yes! Gluttony Is Good.)
I could…write this post about how when I am in the midst of an allergic reaction Benadryl effects me much like Chloroform works for serial killers while trying to abduct their prey. It leaves me totally incapacitated and unconscious.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will proudly wear my recently crowned nickname ‘Suzie Benadryl’ thanks to one of my favorite people.
I could…write about how I feel ‘Completely Insecure’ and utterly humiliated when dining OUT in a restaurant. I could describe ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ moments when faced with ordering a meal with such specific restrictions.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will find out just how much cheese and bacon one person can eat before succumbing to congestive heart failure.
As for my Crohn’s Disease?
I could…bring up all of the embarrassing moments this illness causes me on a daily basis, and wonder why “Pocket Fabreeze For Crohn’s Disease” hasn’t been invented yet.
I could…go into graphic detail about how unnerving, stressful, and upsetting it is to be a lady and have a ‘leaky ass’ in public.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will inform my readers (or anyone unlucky enough to have Googled something unexpectedly landing them on this page) that HESS Gas Stations deserve the highest compliment on the immaculate restroom conditions they maintain.
I could…post funny pictures of what it is like for me to be trapped in the bathroom during an attack. Because ‘Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom.’
But, I already did that.
I could…write about how ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ gave me a lovely case of hemorrhoids. I could divulge the level of uncomfortable-ness I feel during a flair-up, which is much like having rug burn inside my crack. People can always tell when I am having flair up by the distinctive way I walk. I move with a noticeable slow and methodic pace with a clear ‘call for help’ expression plastered on my face.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will let ya’ll in a little known secret. Preparation-H is merely a sham. Not only is it downright ineffective, no matter how many times you Karen Silkwood scrub your hands, you will never be able to fully remove the residue from your fingers.
Also, please be aware that Tucks Medicated Pad ‘Circles’ should strictly be used for cosmetic purposes only. While they are fantastic at curing hung over or puffy eyes…they are useless for relieving hemorrhoid pain. You would be wise to spend the extra two dollars and upgrade to the larger baby wipes size. Just Sayin’
I could…write this post about how I get so ‘Depressed’ because ‘These Annoying Medical Conditions’ have robbed the ‘Quality Of My Life’ on so many levels. I could justify why I am so ‘Angry’ with the best of reasoning. Or allow myself to become so ‘Anxious’ over things I cannot control, that I have panic attacks just thinking about them. I could ‘Circle The Emotional Drain’ from the crushing debilitating guilt I feel for being such a burden to those around me. I could feel ‘Totally Self-Conscious’ And ‘Completely Insecure’ ranting for days about how my body has betrayed me.
But I won’t.
Instead…I will do my best live my life the best way I can.
Ah, you have more words than I seem to, so that’s a very good sign. You’re always such a trooper with what you have to tolerate, too. I still don’t see the need for humor, but you get an A on your report card for it anyway. Wait. I just realized I’m the FIRST person to comment. I think I may need reviving after I swoon. That never happens. I’m always last. I like being last. Jeez.
Hugs to you….I still think you need to cook. There are lots of alternative eater foodies in foodland. Yanno? I’m just sayin’. I know. Be quiet.
G’nite, meleah. Muah.
I am so happy to hear my friend is back! We have missed you on twitter!
I can just imagine how you felt, your life was being arranged for you but not by you (did that make sense?) sorry it’s late. lol!
But you had every right to feel mad about the whole situation but you are so strong, you have been through so much and have pulled forwards in giant leaps this is no different. Best wishes! Everything is going to work out great, you’ll see.
p.s. I hate needles! You pictures were too cute, your dad is a funny guy. 🙂
Oh looking at you in those pictures – but your dad is a sweet-sweet man bless him !
Meleah you do not need to try hard to make us laugh – “just seeing” in my RSS reader that there is a new post at Momma Mia makes me smile !
If letting it all out on your blog helps you cleanse – do it ! Do it ! Do it ! By all means let it ALL out !
Maybe you haven’t found your funny yet, but you made me smile because seeing the plus side is part of life and I love that you are starting to see it.
And I hate you for being able to eat Lobster! Argh. (I know, you hate me for being able to eat pizza and drink beer, so I think we’re even?)
Oh – Thanks for the FYI on Preperation H and Tucks Circles, I’m not there yet, but I hear it comes with popping out a kid…
And furthermore! (sorry, I forgot that I wanted to say something about the Children’s ward.) You look too cute hugging the bear. 🙂
It’s official, your family will take pictures of you no matter what’s happening! lol Well, at least you had Egor, Piglet, and Tigger to keep you company. Plus you got a cool mouse sticker. ;o)
Thanks for letting us into your world. If I could wave a magic wand, and make your pain disappear I would. I wish I could. I wish I could.
As for the Preparation-H (or any other ointment) getting on you hands. You might want to get some gloves latex, or otherwise. The kind they use in hospitals. Just put the gloves on before applying and… Shazam! No sticky hands. (They’re good for messy housework too)
Maybe I should write a post… “1001 uses for hospital gloves.” lol Hmm, where did these gloves come from?
I loved the kiddie band-aids, you are so cute in those pics. Damn they took a lot of those little tubes from you. I hope you are feeling better. When life throws you lemons – make vodka and lemonade.
Have a happy Sunday.
Goodness – you look well-puctured! I hope they learned a lot from that session! Love the pics your Dad took, and I love your fightin’ attitude, too.
Way to go, Meleah! You will get through this! *Hugs*
i applaud your effort to be jovial… but i can hear all the sarcasm and the frustration in your voice.. poor baby.. how i wish i could do something.. i am sure we all do… any lines on a competent dietitian that can help easy you thru this???
If the saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is true… then you must be the strongest woman in the world. I don’t think you need to find humor in your situation. It’s ok to be angry, frustrated, irate. I can’t imagine anyone not being furious over being dealt such an unfair hand. You, my friend, are amazing for pushing through and carrying on.
Glad to see you’re back. We must be on the same brainwave or something as I just returned, too. Weird. Keep us updated on how things go!
Kellypea:
Holy Crap! You are NEVER first! HA! You really are always last.
Too Funny
“I still don’t see the need for humor, but you get an A on your report card for it anyway.”
THANK YOU.
I really tried for funny with certain lines. It was worth a shot. I was just hoping to sound LESS gloomy!
“I still think you need to cook. There are lots of alternative eater foodies in foodland. Yanno? I’m just sayin’”
I agree with you:
I Could write about how much I used to love having my food delivered to my doorstep.
Instead I will finally learn how to use a rotisserie for all this chicken I am going to eat!
xxxxxooooo
🙂
Betty:
Hello Sweetness!
Yes. That made PERFECT sense.
One of the biggest struggles is NOT having any CONTROL over these circumstances.
My dad does rock!
🙂
Jaffer:
“just seeing” in my RSS reader that there is a new post at Momma Mia makes me smile !”
REALLY?
That is the nicest thing I have ever heard in a while.
THANK YOU!
CourtneyRyan:
“Maybe you haven’t found your funny yet, but you made me smile because seeing the plus side is part of life and I love that you are starting to see it.”
I’m really WORKING ON THAT.
“I hate you for being able to eat Lobster! Argh. (I know, you hate me for being able to eat pizza and drink beer, so I think we’re even?)”
And, yes we are even.
“You look too cute hugging the bear”
I look 12!
AIR:
“It’s official, your family will take pictures of you no matter what’s happening!”
HA HA HA
I have trained them well!
Preparation-H = No Good. Tucks = Awesome!
“Maybe I should write a post… “1001 uses for hospital gloves.”
YES! Do That! HA
The Girl I Will Bring Home:
Yeah…I think they took a total of 15 tubes?
They needed a lot for all the tests.
I’m just glad its over.
My father thought it would be sooooo funny to cover me in Band-Aids when it was all over…and he was right.
Jay:
I think I look 12 years old in these photos!
But yes…my father is FOREVER making me laugh.
Paisley:
Damn. I knew I couldn’t fool my long time blog friends with lines like
“Benadryl effects me much like Chloroform works for serial killers while trying to abduct their prey” AS funny.
I spent all day Friday trying to score an appointment with a dietitian. No such luck yet. *fingers crossed* By the end of next week I will have some direction.
Terri:
“If the saying, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is true… then you must be the strongest woman in the world.”
Ha ha ha. Thank you.
I am over the initial intense anger. I am trying my best to look at the ‘positives’ but they are hard to see sometimes.
xxoo
AngryMan:
HEY! YOU! YAY!
Im glad you are back…I cant wait to hear all about the baby!
OMG Meleah you are too funny. Keep the faith and especially your sense of humor. It will save you. Well, that’s if you don’t have too much lobster.
Bless your dad for taking those great pics!
Ummmm…hello your Dad is hot!
Rolando:
Yes! YES! Yes!
Thank you for finding THIS funny.
My mother laughed her ass off when she read it too.
xxoo
Debo Hobo:
ha ha ha
A lot of my blog girlfriends have a *CRUSH* on my daddy.
Did you ever read THIS POST?
Since you are a FAN of the man, you will get a KICK out of it.
xxoo
First: You look very cute and at first I thought you were just taking random shots of a cute kid at the doctor’s office. That’s our sexy, luscious Meleah looking like a kidlet? How sweet. I have to admit, that if I were going thru what you are going thru, I would REQUEST the children’s department. Gimme that teddy bear pleez!
Second: I can’t help thinking about this old crazy lady I interviewed once during a brief stint as a medical talk show host. She had been a children’s allergist, and she told me something I’ve never forgotten. Imagine a rain barrel outside under your roof drain pipe. Over time, it fills up slowly, one drip at a time. But one day, after a rain, there’s just one drop too many, and it overflows. That’s how she described allergies. We can start being allergic to one or two things. Then, as the water rises (physical and emotional stress), our bodies get allergic to more and more things, until the one meaningful drop makes our water (stress) overflow. Then, everything we eat stresses our body.
Her cure? STOP everything. For a few days, only drink pure water from glass containers (plastic containers outgas harmful chemicals into the water) and ONE food that you know you can tolerate, like brown rice. (Pork is also a surprisingly non-allergenic food) Eat little gentle amounts, several times a day. Give your body a break. Minimize all other outside stresses as well. After a few days, if things are going well, add ONE more food that you suspect will not cause you problems. If anything causes any problems, stop doing it and go back to only the things that don’t hurt you. Go reaaaalllllllyyyyyyy slow, with everything. The idea is to lower the water in the barrel enough that you can begin to tolerate more foods. You CAN get to a point, eventually, where you can eat what you want. But you have to get the stress level of your body back down.
Meanwhile, funny is in you, it doesn’t go away. You can do a stand up routine in the future about this. But right now, just be whatever and whomever you are. That’s all that matters.
Meleah:
Glad to be back, and glad to hear that you are doing OK. You’ll have to wait a bit for more on the baby; he’s still in the hospital.
Well now I don’t feel bad for taking photos of the mum when she is in hospital, although they wouldn’t let me film any actual surgery, the buggers.
Humour works for me in a big way 🙂
This post should amuse you http://crpitt.blogspot.com/2008/06/taking-piss-literally.html
I loved the photos and the humour! Also you dad is a hoot 🙂
Lisa:
Thank you for your excellent comment.
I wrote a few posts back, when I received the test results one of the stipulations for getting things UNDER CONTROL is to AVOID all of the things on my list for AT LEAST 6 months.
You hit the nail on the head. My allergies ARE getting worse NOT better. Your analogy explained WHY perfectly.
“Meanwhile, funny is in you, it doesn’t go away”
Aw. Thank you.
And BY THE WAY…where have you been? Ive missed you TONS.
AngryMan:
Oh No. Oh NO. Why is he still there?
Im headed over to your blog soon to find out WHAT is going on.
(sigh)
Claire:
ha ha ha
Never feel bad for taking crazy photos.
I just explain that ‘I Am The Family Historian’ therefore I NEED to document all of this! And they finally ‘got back’ at me.
Yeah. My dad is a VERY handsome man.
I will CERTAINLY read that post just as soon as I am finished with my blog rounds
xxoo
Meleah, your absolute honesty is much more valuable than humor could ever be. In spite of that, you’re funnier than you think. Those pictures are priceless! And yes, you’re pretty dang cute in them… 🙂
Keeping you in my thoughts in the hopes of true HAPPY TIMES for you very soon…
Hate the idea that you are having to deal with all that but love the way you tell the story. Your Dad must be related to my Mom. She takes pictures of EVERYTHING. I hope that all these tests give you more insight on how to make your body happy.
Honest, funny, insightful…
For that, an ever self sustaining kudos over kudos to lady Suzie Benadryl 🙂
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen anyone “look at the bright side” in such a round about way…but you pretty much got there. 🙂 It sucks to be you right now, but I know you’re going to be able to adapt. You’ve done a good job of that already in your life.
Before I had gastric bypass surgery in 2004, my favorite thing in the whole world was chocolate in all of its forms. But especially at Easter time, because that’s when the Cadbury eggs are out. That was probably one of the reasons I even needed the surgery. Anyway, after surgery, I couldn’t have one of my favorite things because what is left of my stomach cannot digest sugar fast enough, and when it goes directly into the small intestine it causes ‘dumping syndrome’ which is not pleasant. The end result is heart palpitations, racing pulse, headache, Leaky A$$ Syndrome, and sometime vomiting.
Eventually, I found a couple of sugar-free substitutes…not even close, but I kind of get the taste of chocolate. So eventually, I got to the point where I don’t feel deprived. I’m hoping the same kind of process happens for you.
SoLow:
“your absolute honesty is much more valuable than humor could ever be.”
That’s a relief!
im glad you think I look cute, even thought I think I look like a small child!
🙂
Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer:
“but love the way you tell the story. ”
Aw! THANK YOU.
I tried to do a good job on this one!
xxoo
Rog:
YAY. Thank You.
🙂
Lee:
I did my BEST at finding the BRIGHT SIDE as DARK as it may be!
Wow. Im sorry you had to give up something you loved so much too. But I am glad that you found resolution.
xxoo
We do share a few problems, although MINE are insignificant compared to yours. All I WILL say is this: I now have developed a sensitivity to wipes! That is all.
(But seriously–your state of mind can help you in the long run, and yours is pretty darn good. Keep it up!)
I am in an amazed state of mind after seeing your mobile office for the first time ??? I have thought of posting something just like that, but could not do it. KUDOS to you!!!
You ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh sweetie, I wish I could make this better for you! I’m sending over a pair of rose-colored glasses right now.
CMK:
Oh No. I would DIE without WIPES.
“seriously–your state of mind can help you in the long run, and yours is pretty darn good”
I am TRYING!
Speedy:
I have NO SHAME and very LITTLE dignity!
Momo Fali:
Ill take em!
Well said and I agree with your outlook. The quality of life issues suck. But if you can get around it so can I.
And that is a great comic book page you put together. You need a monkey not a stuffed animal of a dog. LOL!
Hey, you look really good in the photos, yes, even in the children’s ward. You look bright and your words are bright and upbeat too.
Man I gotta try peeing in that HESS gas station someday. This gotta be in my 1001 things to do before I die, all for the sake of experience, LOL!
PS: yes I’m around, got pretty drunk last night, so taking things very very very slowly today…
Wow!!! you have a ton of readers.
I enjoyed the pictures of you at the hospital. They made me smile even though I am sure you were not smiling during the event.
You are very candid and honest in expressing your feelings, no wonder your readers love you.
Ricardo:
We will BOTH get through this. Right?
And yeah…where was my MONKEY when I was in the childrens ward!
RMH:
“Man I gotta try peeing in that HESS gas station someday. This gotta be in my 1001 things to do before I die”
HA HA HA HA
Marsha:
I love every one of my readers. Most of them have been with me a very long time now and I am LUCKY to have such a wonderful community.
“You are very candid and honest in expressing your feelings,”
Sometimes I border on TMI…but thats just the way I am.
this is why I love you – you COULD be bitter and never even find the humor in your situation (not that its funny but YOU are funny in the midst of it – and talented, creative, gorgeous and real)
which is much like having rug burn inside my crack. Ok…I’m writing that one down for future use.
And Lobster in obscene amounts of butter…*drool*
Just remind your father that paybacks are a biotch. lol Although you did get some cool band aids and a button!
You have a pretty cool dad 😀 And I love the little cartoon strip you made 😀
Meleah ~ I feel for you! You bring your difficult health situation to light and you do it with intelligence and humor! You are a superb writer! Hang in there!
Welcome back Meleah! And your dad’s cool isn’t he? Love those pics. 😀
I’m sorry you’ve been going through and even rougher time that usual. I am in awe of your attempt at humor and that you even posted! That was a very funny comic book you did.
I used to have “needlephobia” and would be nervous for weeks prior to knowing I had to have a blood test. Drawing stuff outta me is much worse than when they inject me not that I like either one. Eeeee. But I finally worked with the fear until I get nervous just before instead of as soon as I know about the test.
But the phlebot..uhwhatever better be good. If they do the ‘hmm..dangit..whooops..sorry” thing, I get light -headed and once the guy was so bad I had to lay down I was so whoozy.
Urrrgggh on hemorrhoids! No laughing matter!
If my mom were with me she’d be taking a lotta photos, too. She has photos of skinned knees, scabs, fallen out baby teeth, lotta Kodak moments I’m tellin’ ya.
Hey there! Welcome back! I’ll definitely say a prayer for you. I applaud you, though, on doing your best to see the best in everything. That’s not something many people can do.
yeah Benadryl sucks for it’s drowsiness – do any of those new Non Drowsy anti-histamines work?
Your photos are hilarious. I love your Dad, he is such a character. I don’t know how you cope with everything, I really don’t. That you can hold on to your sense of humour is testament to your strength of character. I hope the doctors are working round the clock to sort things out for you. I admire your resilience and am with you all the way. This was a brilliant post!
A big hug, Meleah. You are starting to sound like your old self.
Humor really IS the best medicine!
Love the pics your daddy took….(except for the boobs = dead giveaway) you look about 10 years old! 🙂 I hope you said hi to Pooh Bear while you were there!
Very cool cartoon strip! Great job with putting it into words!
Well I’m sitting here thinking, TMI or a hug. So I’m sending you a hug. I love your comic style photos! They made me smile. And if you want to tell us about your leaky a$$, go ahead. It wouldn’t be the Meleah we all know and love if you didn’t. You’ll figure out all of this eventually and hopefully continue to laugh at it like you are today. I hope your humor stays with you. I put you on my worry and pray list if that helps any.
BTW – I did the same thing with stickers and bandaids recently. I actually slipped them on staff as i walked by, etc. Oh and I made boobies on myselg with the “Good Boy” stickers.
You are so brave. I so admire you. Maybe your crack is broken, but your balls sure do work well! I will totally eat lobster with you someday. Smothered in butter. Will you post a list of the foods that work for you? I’m curious. I don’t have Crohn’s Disease but I do suffer in similar ways at times so I can always relate in some way to what you’re saying. I have the same problem with my veins. They call em “squirelly” or “rollaways.” Yeah, they always loooooove me. not. I’ve had blood drawn from odd places like in between my fingers. I always warn them ahead of time. After I had my son via C section, I was anemic. Entered lottery for a critical trial of iron infusion, won the IV version of the trial instead of the pills. They had to get a special nurse (a 24 yr old ANGEL) to come over and give me the IV and man was she incredible. Got me on the first try almost every time. She should get some kind of award, seriously. No one (well except maybe you) appreciates a good nurse who can get a vein like me.
Anyhow. Keep us posted on the results. You’re making the world a better place by sharing your experiences and wisdom because other people still suffer without the ability to put it to words like you do. (((hugs!)))
Here are some virtual hugs for you: {} {} {} {}
Barb:
AW. I love you too.
Dazd:
“which is much like having rug burn inside my crack. Ok…I’m writing that one down for future use.”
HA HA HA HA
Nick:
That photo comic was fun to make
Jules:
“You are a superb writer!”
Really?
You think so?
Noemi:
My dad RULES.
Mrs.Q:
“I am in awe of your attempt at humor and that you even posted!”
I had to do SOMETHING!
Mike:
Thank you!
Billy:
Not on food allergies
Selma:
“That you can hold on to your sense of humour is testament to your strength of character.”
Why thank you.
It was LAUGH at it…or jump off a roof.
I decided to laugh at this
Ingrid:
Thankfully I almost FEEL like myself
Olga:
“Humor really IS the best medicine! ”
SO TRUE.
I know. I look 10 years old!
HA HA HA
Mark:
Thank you.
Oscar:
The comic strip photos were funny to make.
The Mac Mommy:
I would love to have ONE GOOD nurse like that…just once!
WOW.
Thank you for understanding.
DCR:
Thank you.
I’m right there with ya trying to make light and find silver lining wherever I can, girl!
Humor is indeed the best remedy for hell.
Oh, honey, I so feel for you. I know it must be awful, but maybe the dietician will be able to direct you to a healing solution that offers hope instead of a seeming brick wall around every corner.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Mereb. Things will improve. You’re just beginning this more aggressive approach to finding answers. Remember that saying your mom gave you about the minute you devote all of your energies to one purpose, all manner of things converge to help you on your way (I’m paraphrasing). Write that down on a little piece of paper and put it in your pocket for when you need reminding that things will get better. xoxo