Have you ever written a blog post that was very much intended to be funny, but you didn’t understand exactly how funny it was until everyone commented on it? And you truly loved all of those comments, just as much as you love Rainbows and Unicorns, maybe even more. And, you genuinely loved making all of those people laugh way more than you love Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka.
And then you congratulated yourself for a job well done.
But then you realize you’ve just gained a bunch of ‘New Readers’, which is great, grand, and wonderful, however they are probably expecting you to deliver yet another blog post, and one that could top that last blog post, or at least come close in comparison, and you certainly don’t want to disappoint any of your ‘Long Time Readers’. When suddenly, you felt all kinds of enormous pressure to provide glorious tales with perfectly captioned photos – except that absolutely nothing amusing, or remotely entertaining has happened in your life for several days.
So you’re left staring at a blank piece of paper, taunting you, which is only the very beginning of a downward spiral that includes but is not limited to: spoon feeding yourself copious amounts of ice cream, stuffing your face with brownies, wandering aimlessly, and wearing the same pajamas for three days in a row, because you’re fairly positive your next blog post is definitely going to fall short of your own unrealistic expectations, and then everyone will know you’re really NOT all that funny.
And since you don’t need to shower, or change your pajamas, or stop eating ice cream covered brownies, particularly when you’re battling against your own impossible demands, you just get into the fetal position and simply concede to defeat.
That is, until you notice, ohmyzod has it really been an entire week since you last posted? Because in blogville time is very much equivalent to dog-years, which really means a week feels more like a month, and therefore you must find a way to write SOMETHING. But sadly, it’s too late for that. You’ve already tortured yourself, coming up with hundreds of epic-blog-post-failure-ideas, and that’s just driven you right into a mean case of Writer’s Block.
Of course with all of this is going on, you can’t possibly get any sleep because you’re way too busy obsessing about how you don’t have any material to write about, much less funny material, and you’re all hopped on sugar from that damned ice cream. So, you attempt to distract yourself by watching excessive amounts of television. However the only thing on that’s TV at 3am are those oddly fascinating infomercials.
And speaking of infomercials, you happen to catch an advertisement for a product called ‘Depilsilk’ which is some kind of new and improved body-hair-removal-treatment. And even though that commercial is totally-super-gross to watch, you just can’t look away, because it’s made you painfully aware of how being from Jewish/Italian descent really just means you are a hair beast. And that’s exactly when you forget all about your writer’s block, because now you’re totally fixated on your own facial hair, specifically your sideburns. And you’re left wondering when the hell you even grew these sideburns, right before you become panic-stricken about removing them. Out of sheer curiosity you actually consider buying said product merely to see if it will live up to it’s promises because holy shit, dude, you have sideburns. AND. If you called within the next ten-minutes it comes with a Free Satin Robe, and a One-Of-A-Kind-Special-Hair-Wrap-Towel-Thingy, which would be a very refreshing ‘Outfit’ to change into, because you really need to get out of your ice cream stained pajamas and imaginary cloak of shame. It’s enough already.
But just when you’re ready to pick up the phone to place your order, yet another infomercial comes on the television called ‘Meaningful Beauty’, featuring Cindy Crawford. As she’s washing her perfectly sculpted face with another product designed to completely halt the aging process when you notice SHE also has sideburns, much like yours, and that makes you feel ever-so-vindicated, because she’s a Super Model for Christ sakes, and if she’s walking around comfortable and confident with sideburns, then you really have nothing to worry about. Which means now you can STOP obsessing about your facial hair situation, and go right back to obsessing over how you have nothing to write about. And then you grab another bowl of ice cream.
In a last ditch attempt, desperate to end to your misery, you breakdown and finally place an order for those ever-so-intriguing ‘Pajama Jeans’ and not just because the infomercial made them look so enticing, but because it’s apparent you still have nothing to write about which means you’re going to continue wearing pajamas. But eventually you’re going to need to leave your house if only to buy some Bacon, and Cheese, and Chocolate, and Vodka, because the next step in this downward spiral should obviously be spent in a state of drunken congestive heart failure, and clearly, ice cream isn’t cutting it. And you should at least look AS IF you are properly dressed for mingling with the general public.
So. Yeah.
Has THAT ever happened to you?
No?
Me either.
Yes, I have felt that and it’s tough!!! 🙂
I love ya Michael!
And I’m always SO happy to see a comment AND a new blog post from you.
🙂
Haha.. I have had writers block and have jumped though the similar hoops mentally….I like the sound of Blue Jean PJ’s..:)
Pajama Jeans = Greatest Invention Ever.
Lord, I am SO relieved that all that has never happened to you either! ‘Cause it’s definitely never happened to me either! Especially the part about the sideburns. And, um, not for any other reason than they sound really nice, could you please tell me where I can get a pair of those PJ jeans?
Ahahahaha!
Yeah, I’m glad that NEVER happens to us, Nicky!
Oh and, just click on the word ‘Pajama Jeans’ in my post and it will take
you right to the store where you can buy them online!
🙂
Yeah, about that. The hair, I mean. Though I may look like a ‘nice-Jewish-girl’, I’m not. And don’t have any Italian floatin’ around either, so where in the HELL did all this excessive hair come from. I mean, really!
And for the words of wisdom for finding the words…got none…zip…zilch. I am trying to find more upbeat drivel to write about, but am having too much fun to sit for long enough to get a post in. Maybe tomorrow…
Luv
Seriously, Lisa!
At least knowing Cindy Crawford is JUST as hairy gets me through the day.
Looking forward to a new post from you…..
whenever you get around to writing it!
Having fun is more important. Yes?
Damn, they don’t ship outside the US!
Oh hell no. You NEED to have a pair of these.
why don’t you mail me your pant-size, and your mailing address.
I’ll buy them online for you- get them delivered to my house – and then ship them out to you.
For real.
Oh, I have many of those days/weeks, whatever. Actually, I’m having one now as we speak.
Ha! I’ve seen the “Pajama Jean” commercial. They sorta look cool. The one that makes me laugh the most is the ‘butt underwear’ (I can’t remember the name offhand). Yeah, I could use a butt, but I’m not that desperate.
Jewish/Italian decent? Dear, you be double-dosed! (I shouldn’t talk – European/Irish/Canadian – yeah, it’s cold in Canada – we grow hair like bears. Everywheres.)
😉
Dontch’a just *hate* when that happens? I mean, not that that’s happened to me or anything.
I really did order the Pajama Jeans. And I even ordered a pair for my beloved friend Nicky. Hey, if nothing else, hopefully they will provide material to write about when they arrive.
And yes, Im a hairy beast. Maybe I should start looking into hiring the lazer-hair-removal-team The Kardshian’s use?
Omg!!!! I’m hyper from just reading this !!!!! Awesome!Awesome!Awesome! Thank you,again,for making my day!!! Love you!
And I know YOU too – will be ordering those Pajama Jeans, Aunt Lynda!
xoxoxo
Your TV has different programming than mine. BUT, that might have to do with the big antenna on top !! Hi Meleah … smoooooooooooooooootch
Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedy!
xoxoxox
You know, I never knew who the Kardashians were until dufus posted a pic of one – I didn’t really care. Yet, holy crap, that one sister has an ass that is the size of New Jersey! Now that’s a big girl (butt I must say she wears it well)!
I kinda like the Pajama Jean idea, the only problem is that one needs to have a half-decent figure for those suckers. I’ll stick with regular denim – baggy style (it kinda hides the “paunch”, if you get my drift).
😉
That’s exactly WHY I bought mine a size bigger than I would buy regular
jeans. I don’t want them to be tight on me!
I *heart* The Kardashians! Mostly because the father Bruce Jenner is totally
clueless in every episode. And, they are indeed, stunning to look at.
I think hairy women are sexy. I am so not hairy it’s ridiculous. My husband is not hairy either. What’s up with that? I think Alex has about 2 hairs on his chest, none on his legs, none on his arms and about 20 hairs on his face. My daughter is covered in pretty golden down. It sparkles in the sun. I want some of that fur! But alas, I don’t have it. I don’t even have to shave my legs.
I hate watching infomercials if I’ve been drinking vodka. I always order whatever they are selling. And it never works out that well. So now I just hide my credit cards from myself when I start pouring myself shots. I can only remember where they are when I sober up.
Can I please trade body-hair-situations with Alex?
No. Wait…. You don’t even have to shave your legs?
Can I please trade body-hair-situations with YOU?
And I should probably ALSO hide my credit cards as soon as I hit the vodka.
However, I am confident these pajama jeans will be worth the purchase.
If only for blog material.
Hahahaha! OMG! ….. I mean….. what? What are you talking about? NEVER have experienced that.
Okay, okay, I admit it. I wrote a post about my cholesterol last week and it was just one of those things that flowed out of my brain to the keyboard and I thought nothing of it. And then WordPress featured it on Freshly Pressed and instead of my normal hundred daily page views, I got something like 1600. Yeah. No pressure there.
(Did you really order the pajama jeans? Cuz I might want a pair too!)
I ? you!!!
Haha… that has never happened to me either. I’ve never been embarrassed by my facial hair. I have had writer’s block, though …or just no time to write at all.
Ahahahahhaahah! Holy hell, Terri that’s a CRAZY amount of views.
And yes, I REALLY REALLY did order the pajama jeans!
And of course I will be writing about them just as soon as they get here!
I love you back! Besides, it’s your birthday this month!
And since you can’t get them for yourself? I might as well get them for you.
Thanks Mike.
Well, the facial hair thing is much less upsetting to me now that I know a
super-model has the same issue! The writers block however, can kiss my ass.
🙂
Bwhahahahahahahahahahahhaha! HILARIOUS!
YOU. CRACK. ME. UP!
What are you talking about girl? This post was equally as FABULOUS as your last one. In fact, ALL your posts are fabulous! You’ve NEVER disappointed me – and I really MEAN that. I always get excited when I see you’ve posted and can’t wait to get over to read you!
However, I do know what you mean about feeling a little ‘dry’ at times. But for some reason, I always find something to blog about 10 minutes before I post on Mondays and Fridays.
Thank god!
I think it’s natural to sometimes write a post that has that bit of something ‘extra’ special to it, but I’ve realized that it’s just not possible for me to produce them every time.
Blogging is challenging (especially humor). But, you do it so well!
X ya!
I’ve definitely been having issues with blogging too, and I was very nearly sucked into buying those pj jeans. They do look comfortable.
OMFG! Pajama jeans! I must have them! Your writer’s block has served me well. 😉
They gots Pajama Jeans? No way, I need to watch more infomercials. Think your beating yourself up a bit. Although knowing now you’re walking around the house unshowered and full of ice cream soaked brownies, is quite a vivid picture to be sure. Hell do what I do, PLAGIARIZE, yes that’s right, for only 3 easy payments of $29.95 you to can have the best written blog post this side of the Mississippi, and for the next 17 minutes, we will make the first payment for you.
In all seriousness thou, simply make shit up. Tell us how you went away for a week to Bogotá and did an in depth interview with head of the Medellín Cartel or how your real occupation is actually working undercover for the CIA and you have known all along where Bin Laden is hanging out.
Wow this BS sound so good, think I am going to take my own advice. Stay tuned and read my newest blog post about my travels down under hanging out with Seal and Heidi and how I had all I could do to keep her hands off me…….
Oh Ron!
Thank you. You’re the best!
Sometimes I really feel like I am scraping the bottom of the
blog-idea-barrel!
I get super happy to see a new post from you too.
I always walk away with a smile on my face.
xoxoox
Well Nik, I will be sure to let you know exactly how they feel and fit when
they arrive! Hope your blog funk stops soon too!
I can’t even *WAIT* until mine get here.
I’m happy to know my writers block has been of service to you, Jayne!
🙂
AHAHAHHAHHAHAHA. MOB! Classic.
Yeah, I’ve had a few weeks like that, but I blame it on old age. But Meleah without an opinion or story? I really find that hard to believe. You’re never at a loss for words.
Pajama jeans? That reminds me of the commercial I just saw over the weekend – College in your PJs (collegeinpjs.com).
Anf for some odd reason, I am now thinking about chocolate vodka.
I’m sorry, you lost me at “Free Satin Robe”… Once again, you appear to be on the road to recovery from your most recent episode of writer’s block. You’re doing just fine. “Pajama Jeans”, really? I haven’t seen that one yet.
Agg,
It’s always good to think about chocolate and vodka!
And it’s even better to eat/drink them!
I know. Me? At a loss for words.
*shocking*
🙂
Pajama Jeans INDEED!
You have just described my blogging life, girlfriend! And please, do tell about your MASSIVE scene at WalMart! Love the blog!
Melissa
You were spying on me, weren’t you? Admit it! How else could you possibly know so much about my elegant and fascinating lifestyle?
I made a mistake and bought jean-pajamas instead.
Denim is very difficult to sleep in, fyi.
Laughing my ass off at you right now 🙂
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Hey Melissa!
Well, MAYBE one day I will write about my ever-so-tragic experience in
WalMart. But for now? I’d rather not even think about that day!
🙂
Ahahahahah Boom, Boom.
So you also abuse chocolate, vodka, cheese and bacon while wearing pajama
jeans and obsess over how you have nothing to write?
HA!
Yes! I knew you’d love this one!
xoxoxoxo
Welcome to my world. On another note, did you get the pajama jeans? It sound like my type of wardrobe.
I ordered them! But they haven’t arrived!
No, that has NEVER happened to me. And I have NEVER been horrifyingly fascinated by the ‘sex toy’ informercials that I manage to find as I am channel-surfing in the wee hours of the morning. Now THOSE are some messed up shit!