Lately, I’ve been thinking about my Grandmother, Evelyn. Sadly, she passed away last year. Maybe it’s because the seasons are changing, and this will be my first Thanksgiving/Christmas without her. Or maybe, it’s just because she STILL makes me laugh. Out loud. A lot. But whatever the reason, she’s been on my mind.
For those of you who don’t know about her, Gramma Ev, was the epitome of an ‘Angry Italian Grandmother’ complete with a sharp tongue, and, a voice that sounded like she’d gargled with rocks, or as if she’d smoked unfiltered cigarettes, since birth. Seriously, you’ve never heard a rant, until you’ve heard Gramma Ev. But despite all of her so-called character flaws – no one was funnier than she was.
Anyway, the other day, my father made some shrimp for the family and ‘special shrimp’ for me. Why? Well, because I cannot cook to save my life. Trust me people, I’ve tried and it never ends well. For anyone. Kitchen appliances and I don’t mix! While I watched my father effortlessly maneuver his way through the kitchen: adding spices and seasonings, grilling, sautéing, and cooking with delight, I thought to myself, ‘Why can’t I do that? It looks so simple!’ But then I remembered a moment in time, I had long since forgotten. And, I doubled over laughing. And I’d like to share that moment with you.
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Meleah. She was 23 years old, and a single mother of a two-year old boy. But she didn’t know how to cook. Gramma Evelyn constantly nagged Meleah to learn how to operate a stove, or an oven, or a blender, or anything kitchen related. Nevertheless, Meleah refused. She just lived on take-out, and instilled the ‘hey do you deliver’ method, when flipping through the yellow-pages. Finally, after years of not-so-subtle badgering, Meleah gave in to Gramma Ev, and decided to give cooking another chance.
It was early one Sunday afternoon, when Meleah felt like making egg salad sandwiches. Of course, that meant she needed to make hard-boiled eggs. But Meleah was unsure if she was supposed to boil the water FIRST, like you do with pasta, or, if she was supposed to put the eggs in the pot with cold water, and just wait. Meleah also didn’t know how long she was supposed to boil the eggs, and/or how a person is supposed to ‘test’ to see if the eggs are done cooking.
Meleah figured this would be the perfect opportunity to call upon Gramma Ev for some cooking advice. She also thought her Gramma Ev would be proud of her for making an effort, and that Gramma Ev, would jump at the chance put on her ‘Bossy Pants’ and school Meleah in the kitchen.
But that’s not exactly how it worked out.
Here’s how it actually went down:
Meleah: “Hi, Gramma Ev?’
Gramma: “Yeah.”
Meleah: “It’s Meleah.”
Gramma: “Oh. Hi.” [sounding thoroughly annoyed]
Meleah: “Um…I have a cooking question for you.”
Gramma: “What?”
Meleah: “I have a cooking question for you.”
Gramma: “You’re cooking?”
Meleah: “I’m gunna try!”
Gramma: “Okay. What’s your question?”
Meleah: “When you’re making hard boiled eggs, do you have to boil the water first? Or can you just put them in the pot with cold water?”
Gramma: “That’s your question?”
Meleah: “Yeah…”
*** CLICK ***
Yep.
That’s right.
Gramma Ev hung up on Meleah.
HUNG. UP.
DENIED.
SHUT. DOWN.
Meleah stared at the receiver of the phone in total disbelief. And then she died from laughter. Because she realized the simple act of boiling water did not constitute as a ‘cooking’ question to Gramma Ev.
——————
To this day, I still have NO IDEA how to make hard-boiled eggs.
And to this day, whenever I see a hard-boiled egg, I crack the f*ck up.
Man, I miss her.
Awww….I miss your stories about Gramma Ev. You’re awesome….glad you shared this one!
Heheh…. that Gramma Ev !
To make boiled eggs, you put the eggs in your saucepan and run tap water over the eggs and fill the saucepan to just above the eggs. And put it to boil.
Well, I learned it the hard way. Once, I decided to make hard boiled eggs and decided to go the other way around.
The water is boiling and I hold the egg gently lowering it like a container crane lowers its load into the cargo hold of a ship.
As soon as the egg touched water, it cracked – disposing all its contents into the water.
Poached eggs were not too bad.
I gotta agree with Gramma Ev on this one; boiling water does NOT constitute a cooking question! 🙂
That being said, follow Jaffer’s advice. As for how long to cook them, one minute from the time the water is boiling. Then turn off the heat and leave them in the pot for 10 – 12 minutes. Remove and rinse with cold water. That’s it. Easy as boiling eggs. 🙂
I haven’t boiled eggs in years. The last time I did, I had to call my Mom to ask her how.
“Well, because I cannot cook to save my life. Trust me people, I’ve tried and it never ends well.”
HA! And yet, another thing you and I have in common. I too can’t cook to save my life.
HILARIOUS story, girl!!!!!!
“Meleah: “When you’re making hard boiled eggs, do you have to boil the water first? Or can you just put them in the pot with cold water?”
Gramma: “That’s your question?”
Meleah: “Yeah…”
*** CLICK *** ”
Bwhahahahahahhaahahahaa! Flawless!
But to be perfectly honest, I would have asked her the SAME question because I’ve NEVER made made hard boiled eggs in my life!
I miss Gramma Ev too!
X
That’s hysterical! I would have loved her. You should write a “Shit My Dad Says” type of book with sayings from Grandma Ev.
I know I wouldn’t be as good as Gramma Ev, but I would be happy to teach you to make hard boiled eggs. And Gramma Ev was right. Boiling water does not constitute cooking. Possibly making tea.
Thanks, Nadine.
Thank you, Jaffer!
I might try to make HBE today!
Oh good.
Thank you for the last few steps, Nicky!
YAY! I am NOT alone!
When she hung up on me, it was the funniest thing. EVER!
I know. I really should.
But it sounds funnier if you heard her voice.
And, I am sorta thinking of turning my own “Daddy series” into something along the lines of book.
Just not sure how / or what I’m going to do yet.
HA!
LOL! I love your Gramma Ev stories, and videos. She was awesome, I’d have loved to have met her. “*** CLICK ***”, yup, she was something!
HUNG UP!
I was like, WTF?
And then I laughed for an hour!
Oh haha, I can’t believe she just hung up on you.
Your dad series would be hysterical. Go for it!
Right? Too funny!
Okay, I am seriously going to look into putting it together.
Thanks, Jayne!
Do you know? I read that whole conversation with Gramma Eve’s voice! What a character, and I bet you do miss her lots. That was hilarious 🙂
Aw! Yay!
I’m glad you could hear her voice, Babs!
xoxo
Aw! Yay!
I’m glad you could hear her voice, Babs!
xoxo
Aw! Yay!
I’m glad you could hear her voice, Babs!
xoxo
Most definitely! She is hard to forget 🙂
🙂
Actually, it is a legitimate question because if you boil the water first the eggs will crack when you put them in the pot and you’ll have a big, gooey mess. Awww. I miss Gramma Ev too. She was an extraordinary woman. I love hearing about her. All her stories are fantastic!
I love your family stories.
I actually cook a lot for a guy … but it only came on in my sixties, when other specialties began to fail me. Gotta keep the wife happy somehow. But I used to let Muri boil the eggs. I hate SO MUCH to make a HBE then find the center of the yolk wet that I tend to cook them so long that the yolks are green, and No, Sam-I-Am, I don not like Green Eggs. Then, I bought a contraption that’s clear and shaped like an egg with this red plastic inside. The plastic turns brown from the outside edge in as it heats. You throw it in with the eggs and take the eggs out when the brown reaches the “hard boiled” mark. It’s a freakin’ miracle.
Thank you, Selma!
And…thank you for confirming my question WAS legit!
I totally need that device!
yes dah’ling, add cold water first, the eggs and then turn on the stove. no matter what anyone tells you do it this way. or my way.
cracked me up: a voice that sounded like she’d gargled with rocks.
hahahha, she hung up on you. sounds like my knife carrying 80 some odd year old aunt.
yes dah’ling, add cold water first, the eggs and then turn on the stove. no matter what anyone tells you do it this way. or my way.
cracked me up: a voice that sounded like she’d gargled with rocks.
hahahha, she hung up on you. sounds like my knife carrying 80 some odd year old aunt.
yes dah’ling, add cold water first, the eggs and then turn on the stove. no matter what anyone tells you do it this way. or my way.
cracked me up: a voice that sounded like she’d gargled with rocks.
hahahha, she hung up on you. sounds like my knife carrying 80 some odd year old aunt.
Oh, I like this woman! This is a terrific story. I still don’t know how to boil eggs either if that is any consolation. You have inspired me — I have a few cooking skeletons in my closet. Maybe I’ll air out one or two.
🙂
Traci
Val,
I need to meet your 80 year old, knife carrying Aunt!~
Yay!
I can’t wait to read about YOUR cooking mishaps!
Thanks, Traci.
Your family stories are always the best. You should collect all of them and put a book out, seriously! I’ll never be able to look at a hard-boiled egg again without laughing!
I’m REALLY thinking about that, Marty.
🙂
I love all of your Grandma Ev stories and videos. From what you showed us here, she was one of a kind, and YES … definitely hilarious.
The answer to your hard-boiled egg question is that you can boil the water first (boiling water method) OR put the eggs in BEFORE the water boils (cold water method.) How long you cook them depends on which method. I fully depend on Betty Crocker to remind me how it’s done each and every time I cook them. Get yourself a Betty Crocker cook book, girl! 🙂
Hilarious! she sounds a lot like MathMan’s grandma.
Here’s a tip I learned the hard way. Watch that boiling pot once it boils. In last month, I’ve exploded two pots of boiled eggs because I got busy writing or fooling around on the internet.
Also, those eggs are easier to peel while they’re still warm.
I am definitely buying a Betty Crocker cook book!
Thanks for the advice, Lisa!
My luck I’ll make the same mistake as you!
Your family stories are great, and your Gramma was a real card! I really can’t believe she actually hung up on you when you were asking a serious question. Everyone has their own method of boiling eggs, and I posted mine a while back, and yes you start with the eggs in a pot of cold water.
That is hysterical! Now why don’t you look on line and find out “how to hard boil an egg”. I know you miss her. She was quite a gal!
Thanks, Linda R!
🙂
Well, Sis, clearly I am going to have to look online.
Because I have a million conflicting answers in these comments!
I think I am more confused than ever!
Ahahahahahahh!
They have the real deal examples on line. I put my eggs in a saucepan and cover them with cold tap water. Bring them to a boil and lower the temp just a little bit so it’s not totally violent but still boiling. 7 or 8 minutes of that and turn the burner off and immediately put the pan in the sink and cover with cold tap water and leave them there a couple of minutes till they cool. They usually come out perfect.
YAY!!
Thank you for THAT!
I’m definitely trying to make HBE this week!
Ha love that story. But honestly, you can boil eggs and make them hard boiled. Why all you have to do is………………….. Wait let me ask an expert. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm?
See! Not so easy!