A Cancer Fund Raiser, featuring “Boobs McBruisedandHigh”

Friday night I accompanied my girlfriend Patty to a cancer fund-raising benefit. Well, that sounds a little more formal then the event actually was. But nonetheless, it was money being raised to donate for Prostate Cancer Research in the name of the host’s father. For Patty, it would be the first time in about a thousand years that she would be in the same room with so many people from her not-so-pretty past. She was beyond nervous. For me, it was an opportunity to be there for such a good friend who has always been there for me. I certainly did not expect to have as much fun as I did. It was so nice to see Patty, see herself, and just how far she has come in the last four years. She was the Jackie O. of the evening.

The rest of the evening will be better described in highlight form:

1. After Patty realized that introducing me as her ‘girlfriend’ made us sound more like a lesbian couple than regular friends, I thought it would be fun to run with the misconception. When we were seated at our assigned table I announced that Patty should stop trying to keep our relationship in the closet when we were going to be adopting our first Korean baby next week.

2. I spent a lot of time hiding behind the plant on our table to trying to take certain paparazzi shots.

3. We met a lovely girl whom I shall call Boobs McBruisedandhigh. (I cannot make shit like this up.) She was delightful eye candy. That is, if you are into the kind of look where too much flesh hanging out of a shirt that is three sizes too small, exposing sagging cleavage covered in bruise marks, housed in a tattered bra the public could clearly see, and a stomach rim that rested well below the pant line. But the best thing about Boobs McBruisedandhigh, aside from her physical attributes, or the paten leather red boots that came direct from 1983, was the conversation shared over a smoke break. It was fascinating to learn that medicaid wont fill your narcotic prescriptions before the 30 day refill time frame has ended. I’m sure it’s because medicaid is the fucked up party. I am sure it has nothing to do with the fact that her eyes were rolling into the back of here head, and she was slurring while speaking to us. Yeah, it must be that damn medicaid.

(FYI: Even if you have health benefits it is against the federal law to refill narcotic prescriptions to some one who is obviously over medicating them selves. The only people who can get refills prior to a 30 day restriction are those who live in Hollywood with pharmacists and doctors on retainer.)

After Boobs McBruisedandhigh told us in plain conversation (as if this was normal) that she takes around 15 different narcotic pills every single day, it was at that point when Patty felt the need to interject with the fact that her and I lived, and ran a recovery house for women. Patty went on to tell Boobs McBruisedandhigh about all the drugs tests we used to administer at the recovery house, and all the scams, excuses, justifications, and stories we heard during the course of our year long stay. Boobs McBruisedandhigh had no idea what we were talking about. Surprise.

BOOBS MCBRIUSEDNHIGH

4. I became friends with the real photographer of the party, thus ensuring my photo and video taking ways were more than acceptable to the rest of the crowd. Yeah, I was a guest, pretending to be a ‘back up’ picture taker, while shoving my equipment into people’s faces.

5. I danced with the host of the event. (whom I love) But, when I say danced, I mean I really just acted the lyrics out as if it were a high school play to the end of the song Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf. Patty was in charge of videotaping that moment to bring to ya’ll, but sadly, she has no camera experience and there is no evidence that event ever occurred. However the real camera man, who I am anxiously awaiting to hear from, was able to capture most of the scenes as still shots, so you are not completely spared from seeing me make an ass out of myself.

6. I won the plant I was hiding behind and brought it home with me.

7. I received an interesting offer from Boobs McBruisedandhigh to go over her house and go though all her old shoes since we have the same small feet size 6. I will NOT be taking her up on that offer, nor will I be bringing you bad pictures of her very bad shoes.

8. Lastly, Patty won a quesadilla maker gift basket, which included margarita mix. But Patty did not discover the margarita mix, and glasses, until she got home. Nice present, for a recovered alcoholic to win as a prize right?

All in all, I had a blast, as did Patty. We came, we saw, we rocked, we looked fabulous.

I have been given the great honor of preserving the event on DVD. Ya’ll know I love me some new movie projects. The host of the show asked if I would be so kind to create a photo / video slide show. It will be my pleasure!

[PHOTO’S to follow as soon as I stalk / annoy / irritate the camera man for my copies]

This is me “acting out a “play-style” version of Paradise by the Dashboard Light”