* This was an email from my mother. Having almost been in this exact situation myself I laughed so hard while reading this I just have to share this with ya’ll. *
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s still smaller than your thumbnail
someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT . It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never! touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s restroom. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?’
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Have A Great Weekend Everyone!
Thank You (sarcastically) very much for being so graphic !
Perhaps one of the many reasons my dad usually asks my mom “Everything go alright ?” instead.
LMAO. That has happened to me. Bursting to go and NO TOILET PAPER. I had just bought a card from the newsagency and I wiped with the envelope but it wouldn’t flush. I can barely type for laughing. This was sooooo good. And definitely written by a woman!
LOL! At least now I’ll know why wifey takes so long to come out of the restroom … Happy weekend Meleah.
Well GOD DAMN!! I posted the same thing last night!! We must have gotten the same e-mail yesterday!!! So, don’t bother ready my blog today…it says exactly the same thing!
I just wanted to add that male restroom behaviour is slightly different and a bit more complex.
For instance, if I’m sober, I’ll try facing away from the latrine in an effort to pee above my head. Bonus points are awarded for a bullseye.
However, drunk urination is much more varied. It is customary for all men to write their name in urine on they cubicle walls.
It is also common for urine stream fights between drunk men with recitations of Highlander and Star Wars. And let’s not forget the time honoured tradition of attempting to pee properly while drunk.
Thus answering why the female cubicles smell normal while the male cubicles reek of piss.
I hate waiting in the restroom line with all the other women.
I mean, c’mon…this video ain’t gonna shoot itself.
Jaffer:
Hey! Welcome to Momma Mia.
Yep. We don’t hold back over here! Graphic is the best way to go!
You dad has the right idea.
Selma:
I died laughing when I read this. As I have sooo been in similar situations.
Xxoo
Nick:
Yeah! The secret of what goes on in a Ladies Room is out!
Have a Great Weekend Too.
ChefMom:
Great Minds Think Alike.
Xxxxxooooo
🙂
Quelth:
Hey You! Long time no see.
HA HA HA HA
Men are messy in the restroom huh?
Mooooog35:
HA HA HA HA
Dood. You are sofa king funny. Always.
LMAOROTF – happened way too many times
SO TRUE. I despise public restrooms, but they are a necessary evil.
Hysterical!!! That is EXACTLY how it happens.
Oh… and just to add a little humor to public restroom use, when my best friend and I visit one (as a pair) she is always sure to call out from the stall she is in… “CORN? WHEN THE HELL DID I HAVE CORN?”
She does this regularly and always makes me laugh and makes those waiting in line hesitant to use her stall after she’s done.
Skipper:
hehehehehe
Terri:
Yes they are!!
Shut Up! That is AWESOME.
I like your bathroom buddy. A Lot!
Momo Fali:
I know! This was so funny, because it IS true!
This has happened to me at the airport, a high school football game (ewww), and a restaraunt… all in the last month.
In the words of Elaine from Seinfeld, “Can you spare a square?”
Well, How ’bout them Giants! LOL hey- when we have to “sit” we run into the same situation sometimes. Technically, if the seat is dry, you;re safe. My biggest pet peve is not realizing my shoelaces are dangling on the floor in a pool of pee pee below the urinal. You realize it when you sit down to tighten your shoelaces. (AUGH)
At my age, I figure I have been exposed to every germ out there, so if the seat is dry, I just plunk my butt down. I’m sure my doctor has a pill that can cure whatever I might catch.
I HATE the new automatic faucets, but DESPISE the auto paper towel dispensers! I can NEVER get them to work. But all of the 4-year-old girls in the restroom have no trouble with them, of course. I really think I should carry a bigger purse–and in my case, read that as ‘suitcase’–just so I can have my own paper towel roll with me at all times. Oh, the fun we women have all of the time.
And DON’T get me started on the ‘here’s the cup, now give me a sample’ scenario. That’s ALWAYS good for a laugh, too. 😉
Diva:
Awwwwwww!!!
Employee No3699:
Whooo Hooooo
You know I love me some Elaine and Seinfeld!
Oscar:
Ewww… Shoelaces in pee!
I would THROW OUT my shoes if that ever happened to me!
CMK:
YAY. You commented!
My purse is already LUGGAGE! I dont even think I can get a bigger purse to carry a roll of TP in! Maybe we need to sport those travel sized babywipes?
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA,
HAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Cannot write…laughing too hard!
LOL.
I’ve learned to levitate over public toilets. Everything is nasty, the floor, the seat, the handle, the sink. The whole shabang.
Phew, I am soooo glad that I am a bloke. I didn’t realise how easy we have it….LOL! Thanks for making me really laugh out loud Meleah, and sooo sorry that I haven’t been around much lately. I promise to visit every day from now on in! I’ve missed ya loads and load and loads and loads and…….
Wishing you a really lovely weekend!
Graham xxooxxoo!!!!
oh yes! public restrooms are the worst! thanks for sharing this. LOL! you and mom crack me up!! 🙂
oh my god, i hurt from laughing, this is so damn accurate! I guess that’s why I laughed hysterically!!! Its not funny at all its TRUE!
Men: you have no clue how simple the basics of day to day are life for you compared to us!
I am going to email this to my coworkers 🙂
You have an award at my blog! ;o)
Yup. That’s exactly what it is like! LOL!!! Loved this post. Thanks and hope you have a great weekend too!
XOXOXO
RC
LOL! Since becoming a mom, I am no longer in need of TP in public restrooms. I carry half of my house in my purse/suitcase, prepared for anything, including 10,000 baby wipes. Because you never know. It would be easier, though, if I had in my purse a water reservoir and a hose for bathroom needs such as the one you described.
Oh! Or better yet! I just remembered the airport bathrooms in New Orleans!!!! OMG! When you get up from the seat, a new plastic “sleeve” snakes all the way around the toilet seat, pulling the “used” one into the toilet tank area. It’s awesome. And God Bless YouTube! Here’s the same kind of toilet at Chicago O’Hare airport: http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=50Xa51R3t-8 You HAVE to check this out. 🙂
wicked – such a good insite into a public diliema! Probably the only time you wished you were a man!! I must confess I find it highly amusing to see women queueing for the loo when I can usually just go straight in and pee up the wall – as it were!
We’ve all been there. I rarely discuss it as I find it strangely traumatic.
I hope you’re having a terrific weekend, sweetie-pie. xoxo
Luragano:
Glad to hear THAT
Valerie Darling:
LOL
Graham:
Hey sweety! Nice ot se eyou back in full swing.
Men have it soooo much easier than we do!
Maria:
My mom always sends me great emails like these!
Barbara:
This gave me a total belly laugh too!
Awake:
Awww. Thank You.
RC:
xxoo
Eva:
That video was awesome!
Grumpy:
Yanno, that IS the only time I wish I was a man!
Steph:
Public restrooms ARE tragic!
xxoo
🙂
You make me so glad to be a guy. LOL!
I just stand there and talk about sports … unless I am downtown in the bathroom with 1 way glass. All the ladies walk by pointing as if they can see “in” – which they cannot.
I always exit the restroom WITH TP on my shoe … just for a cheep laugh. Then I cry ouy, “NOW WHO PUT THAT THERE??!!”
Ohhh, and one can never really complain about bathrooms untill you have been inside the Travel America Truck Stop in Minnesota. The hideousness of it cannot be descibed with words.
BUT … let me try. One da… (censored) …. as I left.
And, this is why I never leave home without my Adrian Monk (Tony Shalhoub) Handy wipes! 🙂
Oh man this must be a woman’s worse nightmare, lol.
Ricardo:
Sometimes it is easier to be a guy!
Speedy:
LOL
MissMoneyPenny:
Girl After My Own Heart.
Rolando:
Women have it very rough!
Hahahaha…..LOL!~
It’s really tough being a lady; moreover when you really need to go to the restroom (public ones); especially in busy shopping malls.
This must be one of the worst and most unimaginable thing that can happen to anyone of us…and I am sure most of us have had that experience of waiting so long in the line and then found that empty cubicle has that problematic latch.
Awwww….it’s really horrible…..and this is what we have all gone through…to cry or to laugh…I’d rather sigh!:p
This is why you must do squats. LOL!
there are two parts of me:
the part of me that loves funny shit like this. that part of me laughed.
the part of me that is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuge germophobe. and that part of me is horrified.
Oh how true!
OK, this definitely makes me glad I’m a guy!!!
Good luck in there…
Hilarious! Been there and done that 🙂
Oh my gosh I hate women’s bathrooms! The only one I will tolerate is the OKC airport, that have those nice Japanese automatic plastic covers that switch from occupant to occupant, so that it’s always clean. WHY don’t more people use those????
One more reason I’m grateful to be a BRA!!!!
(hahaha)
Ohhhh this is really funny!
The only thought I have when I’m doing The Stance is – why can’t I be a MAN!
Christy:
Seriously. These restrooms are dangerous
Ricardo:
Squats = The Stance
HollyDolly:
Yep. The germaphobe that is I, cannot stand public restrooms!
Silver:
Hee hee hee
Lance:
You MEN have it way easier!
Dawn:
Haven’t we all!
WOW:
I know! I don’t know why more people don’t use that!
Olga:
Lucky!
RMH:
LOL. Me too!
Lol! When I was 19 and in a hostel in Bangalore, I remember getting the runs and while I was in the loo (Asian style loo, which means basically a hole in the ground), the water ran out in the pipe. So I literally had to stand there waiting for the water to come….for 90 minutes!
I WOULD HAVE DIED!!
LOL! This makes me wish more and more that I never erased my blog post on MySpace ranting and raving about women’s restrooms! I would have pulled it out right now and pasted it in for you to laugh at.
Seriously…I have huge issues w/ public bathrooms. I end up driving everyone nuts when I got in one because I’m in there forever going from stall to stall looking for the “acceptable” to the lowest standards stall that I can tolerate and then you’ll find me “preparing the area” so that I can exist in the stall I choose for the few minutes I will allow myself to be there.
If someone were to video tape my “preparation” process that I sometimes have to go through it would make a funny video.
JenR:
I REALLY wish you saved that. I would LOVE to read it.
And, I have to see this ‘preparation’ for myself!!
Grumpy-LOL. Your not the only one. I find it one of the greatest joys of manhood to always be able to waltz in and out of a restroom in a minute while the women all line up down the hallway in those endless unmoving queues. I like to flaunt it when I’m with my female friends, they don’t always appreciate it though ;).
Here’s a story at my expense the women here might find amusing though. One day we had gone to see “The Producers” on broadway and I fully expected to be amused by seeing my friends queue up in one of the legendary ladies lines reported at those events. Boy was I in for a rude shock! Now most shows the lines for the ladies rooms are enormous but that day was the reverse. Much to my horror and the delight of the women, there was NO line at the ladies room but a huge line up at the mens! I couldn’t believe it. The Producers tends to attract a larger male audiance than most places I later realized, had I known before I wouldn’t have drank so much lol. But I was humbled and I gotta say I never saw those girls with bigger smiles on their faces ;). But compared to what women go through all the time I’ve very glad to be born male!
Encountered a similar shock once at single user unisex toilets. Men had to wait in line with the women, must say it was annoying and the women were quite smug that we had to wait as well.
Arthur:
You guys have it so much easier!