Disclaimer: For those of you looking for a laugh, please feel free to move right along to another blog. There is nothing funny over here. I am having a lousy day.
Friday night I went out to dinner with my girlfriend. For some reason, I decided I wanted to try a bite of what she had ordered. Unfortunately, and inevitably, I had yet another allergic reaction.
[*sigh* ]
I cannot properly express how sick and tired I am of having allergic reactions. (And I’m sure ya’ll are tired of listening to it.) I also cannot tell you how sick and tired I am of not being able to eat anything with flavor for fear of having to deal with this.
I’ve worked LONG and HARD on accepting my issues with food…but sometimes, after months and months of watching everyone ELSE eat all of the foods I love, while I sit quietly salivating, I cave. I give in to temptation. And, then I pay the price. It’s a vicious cycle.
As a result of the amount of Benadryl I have to take to counteract my symptoms, I am left with what I can only compare to as really bad hangover. I cannot function at all the day after an allergic reaction. I feel foggy, dizzy, light-headed, almost like everything is moving slow motion. My equilibrium is way off. Even my reflexes are slower.
On any other Saturday, feeling like that would have been easier to deal with since I usually spend most of my Saturday’s doing nothing. My Saturday’s are for lying in bed, watching TV, and reading blogs. I always use my Saturday’s for ‘downtime’.
But this Saturday my family had a big Family Brunch. And I missed it. And my uncles went out of their way to make ‘Meleah Friendly Food’. Great. Whats worse? I took that gamble and that chance knowing I had a family commitment the next day.
[insert feeing guilty.]
I am pissed off at myself for taking a chance, or gamble for that matter, and trying something new to eat. I am angry with myself because I should know better by now. I do not have the luxury of eating anything outside of my usual bland miserable list of safe foods. I am upset that I missed a wonderful day with my family.
I have no one to blame but myself.
The other side to having an allergic reaction (aside from the physical horror) is what it does to me mentally. Mentally, I go into a downward spiral. I really do a number on myself about how I am ‘damaged goods’ and how no one is going to ‘want me’ when I have so many issues, especially when they have the option of dating a perfectly ‘normal girl’ without the drama of eating a meal.
I mean really. How totally annoying will I be going on dates and ordering my dinners?
“Hi imaginary waiter on my imagery date…By the way I can’t have this, I can’t have that, please make sure this, this, and that, are not used in any of the ingredients/food unless you want to end up calling 911. Kay Thanks.”
[Then I picture my imaginary date with his jaw on the floor thinking. ‘Wow. Now that chick is the definition of ‘high maintenance’.]
And what if my date asks me to take a bite / taste of their food?
I imagine myself breaking out the 5 page typed list of foods / ingredients I cant have.
Yeah. Hi.
[And none of these issues even include all of the problems I have because of Crohn’s Disease.]
So. Yeah. I am depressed today. I am beating myself up today. I feel like damaged goods and I am beside myself because I missed out on what could have been a glorious Family Day.
Oh…and I am having a pity party about what a burden I am. Therefore, rather than doing any of my own writing, and rather than helping my writing buddy [*sorry Random Chick, please forgive me? *] I am climbing back into my bed, hiding under the covers, and hopefully I will find distraction from what’s going on in my head right with some television.
Maybe I will feel better tomorrow?
I have pity parties all the time. Perhaps we should coordinate. No use wasting balloons.
We all have days like this. *Hugs*
Oh, honey. I hope you DO feel better tomorrow. You should just take your day and spend it watching t.v. and do whatever it takes to get past this. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this again. And DO NOT feel bad about having a pity party. I do it all the time, but the difference is, I usually don’t have a good reason and you DO!
And remember, WE; all your fans/readers; we love you, so why is it so hard to believe there’s a Mr. Right out there for you? I have no doubt whatsoever. He just hasn’t shown his face quite yet. But he WILL.
Tree:
Please send some balloons over here.
Lis:
Um WHAT? HEEEEEEELLLOOOOOOOO!
Girl I have missed you So.Very.Much.
Thank you for the hugs.
Terri:
I am a mess. A sobbing weepy basket case of a mess.
Thank you so much for your words.
I am just having one of those days when I am so focused on all that is wrong / broken about me.
Thankfully I have my trustee readers and fellow bloggers to lean on right now. Because nothing makes me feel better the way your comments and blogs do.
Hey chica! We need to get you a Dr HOUSE for REAL. 🙂
Miss you and I will see you in LESS THAN A MONTH and we will eat BLAND AS SHIT food together and love it. 🙂
(coming into Meleah’s room as she lays in bed recovering, I am playing the guitar)
Capital I! Capital I!! Capital I!! Capital I.
(before Meleah’s parents can get on the phone to call the police ricardo finishes the song and leaves without a trace)
But seriously, you can’t worry about being damaged goods. We all have our problems. And these are health issues not you something like you being a weirdo or some crazy kleptomaniac.
If the guy really wants to be with you he will not care about these worries. He will want to you to stay happy and healthy and do what he has to do to help out. It’s not that much of a hassle if he really cares for you.
Have you tried Zyrtec? It’s over the counter, and pretty powerful and won’t knock you out as bad as Benadryl. I broke out in hives and have no clue why but I had one of those and WHAM! It was gone in about 30 to 40 minutes. Lasts 24 hours 2. Worked for an allergic reaction I had for a bug bite also. AND it works for the stuffy nose allergies.
I AM SOOOOOO SORRY! What can I do to make you laugh? How about a {{{HUG}}}…Im good at that?!!
xoxoxoxox
Leslie:
I love you.
I am soooo looking forward to our ‘Cascade Girls Weekend’ Together.
I do need me a Dr. House. This is No Way to live the rest of my life.
Ricardo:
I almost laughed at the idea of my parents calling the cops on YOU!
(of all people.)
Thanks for making me smile.
Olga:
Hugs are good. But I might need a visit from you again. Soon.
xxoo
are you allergic to hamburgers?
Maybe I can stop by after Norway?
This Video Is Guarenteed to improve your moooooooood! 🙂
meleah, I never know what to say. “I’m sorry” never quite cuts it, because you know how my world revolves around food. There’s no way I’ll ever understand, but know a bit of what you’re going through because of my oldest son. He has celiac’s and doesn’t take care of himself. His food runs right through him, so he’s not getting any of the nutrients he’s supposed to have. His feet and hands swell, and he knows what is ahead of him if he doesn’t start to pay attention. But I think it’s his way of flipping the bird to fate. It makes him feel like he’s in charge, and he knows that’s stupid, but…I can’t really say anything to him about it. He’s an adult. He also has serious food allergies, but not quite like yours. His affect his breathing mostly, and since he has asthma as well, it can get pretty ugly when he’s binging on wheat or corn, or dairy products, or anything that’s fermented. When he hits the ER for a treatment, I’m usually not told. Suffice it to say, I’d love to be able to simply send you wishes for getting well, and that would be woefully inadequate. But I’m feeling pretty badly for you right now.
Olga:
Sadly, I am allergic to the bun, and it depends on what the burger is seasoned with.
A visit from you after Norway might be a GREAT IDEA
Ha. I just watched that video. Steve Martin Rules. That did cheer me up.
Thank you.
Kellypea:
“It makes him feel like he’s in charge, and he knows that’s stupid“
YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES. YES.
I’ve been hiding in my bedroom (complete with the door locked) avoiding my parents (and my son) for TWO DAYS because I feel ashamed for ‘cheating’ full well knowing my allergies might kick in. And then missing a family function because I decided to push the envelope. And, I know that taking a gamble with food really is a Life or Death situation. Yes, I am a grown up and I really should know better…but sometimes it is just SOFA KING hard.
I am starving all the time. I have no immune system, I am forever sick, forever calling out of work, on the brink of being unemployed, and yet…I go do something as stupid as this all because the Rebel in me wants to flip off fate.
All I can say is THANK YOU for being soooo understanding.
Mereb,
First off, I’m so sorry you’ve been sick. That absolutely stinks. I will say, though, that you are human. Of course you are going to want to test the waters every now and then. Yes, you pay the price, but… I’m guessing there may have been times when you didn’t have an adverse reaction, which is why you gave it a shot. Either way, it’s not something you should beat yourself up over. What a wonderful family you have to have prepared special food for you for the get together. They must really love you, and, I’m guessing, can’t blame you for wanting so desperately to be able to eat what everyone else can. I’ve no doubt they understood your having taken the risk, and just want you to feel better.
Second, there are no “normal” women devoid of any issues that could be considered …challenging by guys. They don’t exist. There is not one person on this planet who at one time or another – many, a lot of the time – doesn’t consider something about themselves to be damaged goods. If you’ve lived past the age of 10, you have “baggage” of some sort. Honey, everyone – myself included – has aspects of who they know themselves to be that they’re afraid won’t be accepted by …whomever. Trust me on this one, Meleah.
The absolute worst thing about your food situation is that it causes you so much discomfort and distress on both the physical and emotional levels. Any guy worth his salt – and I am SOO serious here – couldn’t care less about your food issues except for the fact that you are in pain.
Just rest for now, and know that yet another of us in Blogville wants only the very best for our Meleah. xoxo
I’m sorry to hear that your having a tough time of it today. As for the ‘normal girl’ comment. There is no such thing. (Take it from a lesbian), every women is screwed up in one way or another. You happen to have health issues, but your a real sweet, warm, wonderful person. I pity the fool that doesn’t understand that! I pity the fool! ;o)
You said On Twitter that you want someone to make you laugh. Well check this out. “Tina Fey Kidnapped” (By Palin) I hope it makes you laugh. ;o)
Steph:
Yeah. My family is really good at making food I can eat and all of us eating it together. But eating OUT is very hard for me.
Sometimes my family wants to eat REAL food…(which includes things I can’t eat) And, I cant expect them to deny themselves the things I cant eat…so I usually sit there staring at their plates while eating something way less desirable.
And yes, I have taken a gamble with NO drama, so subconsciously I guess I think its OKAY to occasionally take those risks.
Also, Ive found a few websites that have great recipes…but a lot of it is hard work for a NON cook like myself. Sometimes just want something simple like a sandwich, but all of my food is such a damn PROJECT to make.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I can only HOPE there is a MAN out there willing to deal with what I have to bring to the table, which is not much.
The one thing helping me right now is Blogville. As crazy as this sounds the only way I am dealing with is right now is because of ALL OF YOUR support and understanding.
Its people like YOU (and Olga and Kellypea ….ect) that dont even know HOW MUCH your words, comments and blogs LIFT my spirit and give me the strength to forge ahead.
Awake:
Oh you know TINA FEY is the way to my heart and the cure to my sadness.
Thank you.
And even though I am not a lesbian (yet!) I would consider going ‘that way’ for 3 women:
1. Tina Fey
2. Chelsea Handler
3. Selma Hayek
PS:I know there is no such thing as the “Perfect Woman” but I am currently feeling like the bottom of the barrel. I dont want to live like this or feel like this and the last thing I want to do is subject MORE people (like a potential mate) to this. Yanno?
My advice is to live solely on breast milk.
As you know from reading my blog, I’m an alcoholic. Thankfully, it has been 18 months since I decided to get help and stop drinking. In order to deal with my problem, I don’t drink.
Having issues with food is much harder to deal with, because you can’t stop eating without fatal results. And in your case, it’s hard to even avoid foods that cause you problems, because you don’t always know what the culprit will be.
Stop beating yourself up, kiddo. What you have to deal with would cause problems for anyone. It is harder than hell to stay away from things we know are bad for us. It’s almost impossible to say no to something that might give us problems. And your family knows that.
awwwh, i’m sorry you’re going through this. i know it’s easy to say stop being so hard on yourself…I have pity parties myself…it’s not easy all the time to deny yourself something you want and yeah sometimes we just want to be “normal” and we take chances. its okay to want to be by yourself for a little bit, but i hope you don’t isolate yourself too much and for too long…your mind will do a job on you and talk really loud about everything that is wrong.
stay around people who love you, they really can be comforting.
xoxoxox
Angry Ginger:
Um. *Sorry* Thats just not my bag!
Lee:
But I can’t help from feeling like I let them down , or disappointed them, by doing something soooooooo stupid. And because they went out of their way spending money for food I can eat, and then I couldn’t / didn’t even show up? *Feels Like Shit*
Im sure they ‘understand’…but that doesn’t make me feel better.
My father (who’s side of the family had the party) has not spoken to me. But, that may be because I am hiding in my room. Although my mom has made her way into my bedroom a few times to showcase her new clothes on her hot new body/shape. I think that she is trying to reach out to me. But I feel bad because my father is obviously being as distant as I am.
Valerie:
I just want to be ‘normal” and by that I mean I just want to eat a sandwich.
Without almost dying. Or ruining family functions.
“your mind will do a job on you and talk really loud about everything that is wrong.”
Um yeah. Thats whats happening. And, thats why I am turning to you guys.
*And YA’LL have been AWESOME.*
*I am REALLY f*cking lucky*
Thank you sooooo much Val.
xxoo xxoo xxoo
xxoo xxoo xxoo
xxoo xxoo xxoo
At least when you have to talk to the imaginary waiter and ask all sorts of questions, you have a REAL reason. You could be just one of those high maintenance women who does it just to make everyone else’s life miserable.
Hubby and I are going to see the nutritionist this week, so I will be lamenting the lack of things to eat very shortly here myself. His orders from the doctor are: protein restriction, low sodium, low fat, weight control. I guess the only things left to eat are fresh veggies and some fruits. I can’t wait. 🙁
Get feeling better–physically as well as mentally! xxoo
I’m very sorry what’s happening to you – and I really am ! I am a total foodie and if I were in your shoes – umm 10½ W ? Do you have ’em in blue ?
Anyway if I were in your shoes – I’d have no idea how I’d live.
I guess the Dr. House Marathon should be a good prescription eh ? 😉
I think the AMA should make such a prescription official.
Allergies aside…you’re still number 1 in my book dahling! Yes, I suffer the same thing with high cholesterol, although seemingly not as acute as you. Others can enjoy that which I cannot or must moderate. It sucks but that’s life ya know.
Maybe we should dine together someday…compare menus!
Hugs
CMK:
Yeah. um…once you have a real list of what are restricted foods? Suddenly you crave them even more. Thanks for being so supportive.
Jaffer:
It’s rough. For the most part I am used to it. But, when I DO take a chance… when I know my family went out of their way to accommodate my food situation and then I don’t show up because I took a risk the night before? Makes me feel like a giant a-hole.
Dazd:
Lets Do Lunch.
I’ll have my people call your people.
My dear – here’s a hug.(((((())))))) OK, now, about that guy dating a “normal” girl – I must protest. We all have issues – just different ones – and the right one will not give a shit. Beating yourself up? I do it to – but I wish you wouldn’t. We all do things that we shouldn’t and it isn’t the end of the world (although sometimes it feels like it.) Know that we all love and adore you and hope that you feel better REAL soon. another hug….
Hi Meleah first time I clicked on your blog (from Terri’s). I guess I picked a bad one to jump in on. I am sorry you are feeling down. Food allergies must be such a pain. I wish for you a better day tomorrow!
i know you feel guilty… but damn girl,, that has to be so f’in hard not to be able to have just a little bite of something without getting a bad reaction… i feel for you… i cannot imagine what that would be like… i imagine i wouldn’t be the fat ass that i am tho if i had to be more careful with what i put in my mouth……..
Oh, Meleah. It sucks, and I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now.
Skipper:
Thank you for all of my hugs. I know that no one is perfect and maybe one day there will be a man willing to deal with this. I am just having a hard time dealing with it today.
xxoo xxoo
James:
*sorry* you came here on such a bad day. I promise to have happier posts in the future. Or feel free to take a peek at some of my archives?
Paisley:
Its damn near impossible to constantly deny myself deliciousness that is food. Most of the time I am alright with it…but other times, I just cant take it. It was REALLY bad timing for me to choose the day before a family commitment to take a risk like that.
Ingrid:
Thanks sweetheart. Its just one of those days.
Oh Sweet Meleah, I am so sorry you’re having this shitty weekend. I am hear to tell you that the RIGHT guy is going to overlook any and all of your unique issues and fall madly in love with YOU. It sucks that it takes so long to find that guy, but I believe he’s out there for you. I honestly do. I wish I could take a few allergies from you, seriously I would if I could. Having medical conditions SUCK! I think I will watch TV now too.
All 1’s and 0’s for you to feel better as soon as possible…
Aw Honey, that stinks out loud. You go ahead and have your pity party and we’ll just be here feeling for you. And the chronic issues you have… that is pretty lousy too. We could get cyber snockered together if you would like… drink our troubles away? Probably not an option though.
How about I say a prayer for you?
How about THAT… an offer of either getting drunk or praying… what kind of people do you have reading you Woman?!!
I hope you have such a great week next week that the blues are totally forgotten. 🙂
Barbara:
I am trying really hard to hold on to believing that.
At least I have my trustee blogger friends to hang out with and make me feel better.
Yep. TV is a great idea.
Rog:
Thanks!
Jennifer:
Can I have both?
Alcohol & Prayers work for me.
Dang food allergies are rough. I have a friend (we call each other “soul sisters”) who has multiple chemical sensitivities and she says that she rarely has good days and on her worst days she feels oddly wired and out of body.
Like you, she feels like damaged goods and unfortunately this had meant that she continues to stay in a relationship with this emotionally abusive man because he is “so good to her” and sticks with her “in spite” of her food sensitivities. Arrrrggh! On the one hand she knows he treats her like well, crap, and but she also has major esteem issues and has never been without a relationship.
I also know someone with wheat sensitivity (celiac disease?) who is also lactose intolerant. I have my own allergies but nothing horrific. In trying to figure out natural remedies, I came across EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). I’ve been trying it out. I’ve read so much good about it and it’s actually cleared up what I thought were “easy things” like headaches, a rash but I’m really working on some bigger things that are darn stubborn. I’ve read a lot about people’s success with using EFT for allergies (no luck yet for my mild hayfever but I’m hoping)
That’s just one of the many links/articles they have. In case you’re interested. Sometimes I want to just say fuhgettabout it and then I’ll read about someone’s success and I give it another try.
I really feel for you. I know a few people who feel trapped by their illnesses.
Big hugs!!
Hang in there Meleah. You are not a burden. You are not damaged goods. You are you, and you are awesome. Don’t forget that…
I’m so sorry Meleah, food allergies like yours must be horrible. I couldn’t imagine. The only food allergies I have to food is that is makes me fat.
Ms Q:
It’s the mental part that’s the worst of it all.
Lance:
Thank you.
Mrs. Schmitty:
It can be horrible, at times like this. But, its not always this bad.
It must be unbelievably hard to see someone eating something tasty and knowing you can’t even try it. No wonder you get fed up. No wonder you get down. I am allergic to dairy and shellfish but it is relatively easy to eliminate that from your diet. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to check every little thing.
It is not your fault. No way. The right guy wouldn’t care about your diet. He would be counting his blessings that he had met you. I feel for you having to go through this. I really do. XXX000XXX
Well you know that got this weirdo showing up playing a guitar singing about a capital I and then leaving. It would be funny stuff.
I have food allergies, too ~ and unfortunately, it is very hard for me to watch other people eating food that tastes great yet, causes great suffering.
I hope you feel better soon.
Oh, you poor sweetie!
I don’t have time to read all the responses properly right now, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.
I SO feel for you. Yes, I’m another who has to read all the labels, and give waiters the third degree. Yes, I’m another who has to threaten waiters that if they don’t take me seriously they’ll be calling an ambulance. Yes, I’m another who seems to have random allergic reactions for no apparent reason at times – but although it depresses me and makes me feel ‘damaged’ I’m nowhere NEAR as bad as you – though I used to be, as a child. I can remember taking bites of things at children’s parties (like, when I was six or seven years old) and feeling my tongue start to tingle and calling for Mum in a panic. She always stayed with me at parties.
The thing that frightens me most these days is the possibility of getting something in a restaurant that has been fried in the same oil as white fish, or served with the same spoon, or cooked on the same grill (broiler) or sat next to it, or had fish liquid dripped on it in passing. I mean, seriously – why would someone without serious allergies be aware enough to take that much notice? It’s possible that your Masala sauce was contaminated in some way, just like this.
I had to leave a dinner party (at a restaurant) in the US in an ambulance last year, when my throat started to swell, and it’s just so scary .. .and then it leaves you with a hideous sense of embarrassment.
Hugs to you. All we can do is be as careful as we can, while still managing to live, instead of exist.
Oh, and it sounds as if your reaction to Benadryl is like my reaction to the old-style antihistamine Phenergan, which used to wipe me out for days as a kid.
I have your solution…….
Tupperware!
Take your food out in a plastic box on your date and ask the ‘imaginary waiter’ to heat it up. This is sure to impress your date. Or wear a laminated list on a necklace around your neck of things your are allergic to – laminated so if you drop food on it, it will wipe clean. If you are really trying to impress your date, take him a box as well.
Job done – sorted.
BTW, Stickily come dancing is the English equivalent of ‘Dancing with the stars’ I think!
Grumpy:
I can’t even imagine breaking out Tupperware on a 1st date!!
Jay:
“I had to leave a dinner party (at a restaurant) in the US in an ambulance last year, when my throat started to swell, and it’s just so scary…And then it leaves you with a hideous sense of embarrassment.”
See! You really get ‘it’. That’s exactly how I feel. Ugh
Selma:!
Thank you honey. I am sick of it. I can’t stand watching everyone else revel in a wonderful meal. But, that’s not their fault. I just have to be more careful, and I have to stop taking risks on work days and/or family function days.
Ricardo:
I would enjoy that!
Miss MoneyPenny:
Girl, it’s nice to know we are in the same boat.
Don’t you get so angry sometimes over it?
Aw Sweetie, $#it happens. You didn’t know that the food contained poison. Its just something you have to deal with. I can get you down. I have my “allergies” lets call them. I learn and move on. It does suck that it ruins your day(s) and makes you have to be cautious and alert. Hang in there. It’ll pass. perhaps a shot from the Tavern will fix ya!
O
Awww Sweets…i’m sorry this happened to you again.
how can i cheer you up? how about some more photos with hundreds of meleahs? how bout photos of cute puppies?
how bout me telling you all about my woes so you can forget about yours? 😀
Oscar:
Make it a double!
Jen:
Okay, please do tell.
Hello,
Sorry to hear about your health problems. My son is allergic to soy,peanuts,eggs,wheat and dairy so I know a little bit about food allergies. I started a website to help other people with food allergies. SPEWD Free has recipes that are free of soy,peanuts,eggs,wheat and dairy. I thought you might be interested.
Thanks,
Heather
It sucks to be blue. I hope you’ve cheered up a tad. But if not, I will share one of the things that ALWAYS puts a small smile on my face: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkEvy-9yVyQ
xo
Eva
Heather:
Thanks
Eva:
You Are Awesome.
🙂
xxoo
MELEAH!!!!
Okay, I don’t know what the hell happened there…I started typing and the words just went away…ha ha ha ha ha!
Enough of my stupidity…I’m so sorry that you have to deal with the food restrictions. That must be SO HARD!!! But be nice to yourself, okay? You don’t deserve all that mean stuff you tell yourself.
I’m not mad at ALL either!! I’ve had my own dramas and crap. And I am the LAST person you should worry about. I’m flakier than Frosted Flakes…so don’t worry about me!!! I’m trying to change that of course, but I go back to my old ways every now and then.
I’m glad you rested too. You needed it!
Take care of yourself!
XOXOXO
RC