Okay, so I’ve mentioned a few thousand times that my ‘idea of cooking‘ is either making reservations in a five star restaurant, or, finding somewhere that will deliver the food already prepared to my door step.
Because this is what happened…
However, in the interest of my relationship, I decided to be brave. I decided to be bold. I was going to cook dinner for him. Even if it meant that would be ‘The End Of The World’ as we know it.
How hard could this be anyway?
*Collective Gulp Heard Round The World*
First, let me start by saying, thank you to my girlfriend Tiffany who has personally cooked me many a meals to absolute perfection. I cannot thank you enough for the recipe.
Speaking Of The Recipe.
I have not been grocery shopping in over a year. [Thanks to the fact that I live with my parents. They deal with all of that noise.] But there I was. Off I went to gather the necessary ingredients at my local Wegmans. (The best grocery store other than Trader Joe’s.)
Upon arrival, it took at least 25 minuets to simply to locate the toothpicks. But it wasn’t until I landed myself a sweet spot at the cold-cut counter where things went awry. I was minding my own business waiting to order half a pound of provolone when I felt EXACTLY like Michael Keaton in the movie Mr. Mom during the Deli Counter Scene. (Only with lady parts.) I did not realize that you actually need to get a ticket/number and wait for it to be called. All I can say is, “My bad” to the lady I cut off in line who continued to give me the evil eye until I hightailed it out of there.
After momentarily sweating from sheer embarrassment, I regained my composure and continued on with my check list.
Two. Full. Hours. Later...
I had everything I needed. Now, all I had to do was cook it.
*shudder*
When I began to unload my materials, I noticed the chicken seemed thicker than it normally does when Tiffany makes it. Instead of calling anyone who so graciously offered to help me, I diligently proceeded alone. I just closed my eyes and listened to my Inner Italian. I was committed to making a fantastic meal: Chicken, rolled up and stuffed with prosciutto, provolone, and very thin asparagus, covered in a lemon wine sauce, placed lovingly over mushroom risotto.
Yeah. Um.
While prepping all of the food I learned a fun fact that I’d like to share with all the other non-cooking clueless people. Unbleached flour mixed with olive oil sitting in the kitchen sink for an excessive amount of time will in fact convert into Sumo Gorilla Glue. *Brillo May Be Required* for removal of such substances.
Your welcome.
Oh.
And…
Do not attempt to write your blog post while making risotto. Risotto requires your undivided attention. I cannot stress this enough. Be forewarned. Otherwise you will get a steaming hot plate of nasty. Which can and will adhere itself to any surface. Especially the pot it was made in. *Brillo Is 100% Required* for removal of such a substance.
[Side Bar: Note to self, remember to add *Brillo* to any future shopping check-lists.]
Speaking Of Risotto.
After I totally ruined the first batch and with little time remaining on the clock before my boyfriend entered the house – I remembered I had also bought a box of Instant Risotto.
Because nothing says ‘chef’ quite like Instant Food Products.
After meticulously stirring, tasting, stirring, and slowly adding water…there was just enough risotto which had a semi-decent texture and semi-decent taste to salvage.
*Imagine me raising my glass and toasting, “Hooray For All Food – That Comes In A Box“*
As I was utterly engrossed with the desperate situation of the risotto, I neglected to turn the heat down on the chicken in the oven. I was too distracted.
Prior to the ‘Risotto Incident’ I was obsessively checking on the chicken. I mean, I wasn’t used to such thick slices. And all I could think as I peered inside the oven was…
Is this done yet?
Or.
ARE WE ALL GUNNA DIE FROM SALMONELLA POISONING?
As I contemplated spiking the food with crushed immodium, my attention was redirected back to the risotto.
Anyway.
Long Story Short? [Too Late.]
When the guy I am dating walked into the house the first thing he said was, “Wow. It smells so good in here.”
I smiled nervously having NOT tasted the finished chicken and was still praying the risotto did not spontaneously turn into mortar.
Fortunately, for me, he likes to get comfortable after a hard days work before settling down to eat. That afforded me the perfect amount of time to taste (and plate) the meal.
After a mere three minuets, three minuets that felt like 100 hours, I manged to wrangle up all of the dishes and cooking utensils, rinse them, place them neatly in the dishwasher, take out the trash, wash my hands, plate the food, salt to taste, and sprinkle with fresh grated cheese.
My boyfriend entered the room and was immediately enamored with my Kitchen Skillz.
He said and I quote verbatim:
” Take A Picture Of This. That Looks Like It Came From A Restaurant. Wow. This dinner looks “MINT.”
[Insert me sweating perfusively (or like Patrick Ewing in the 4th Quarter of a basketball game) as he had not taken a bite yet. Yes, my presentation was decent. But, would he like how it tasted? And I thought for sure the chicken was too dry.]
As I was filled with tense anticipation, he took his first bite.
And LOVED IT.
Loved.
Loved.
LOVED it.
*There just maybe a cook somewhere inside of me after all.*
Note to self- Do not read that while taking a drink LOL
I almost spit on my laptop.
i knew you could do it… risotto is a hard first pasta honey cuz it is so small and requires so little cooking time… you can buy thinly sliced chick breast or have the butcher cut them too if that helps at all for next time…. i gotta go check out the pix!!!!!!
can you eat beef bacon and pickles??? if so i have a recipe for you that is almost the same prep,, but tastes completely different you might wanna try…. i know it sounds funky,, but if you wanna try it it is called beef roulades… believe me i am not a cook either,, but it is one of my specialties since it is nearly un-ruinable…..
it is kinda like don’t know how ta cooks, braciole….. i forgot to say that….
Hi Meleah,
I love the walk through from purchases to meal on the table! Two hours at the grocery store?? You were there longer than some of the employees!! (okay maybe not…but close!). And hey, in the end it was all worth it!!
Congratulations! There’s hope for me yet…
I was actually going to suggest that perhaps you should have started out with pasta-something close to fail proof-but it sounds like you had everything under control.
Told with your usual charm and good humour. I was laughing but also sweating as I waited to hear whether he liked it or not. Bravo. You did it. That was a very difficult dish. Good on you. Now he’s really hooked!!!
LMAO !!!!!!! Thank you so much for making my morning. You poor girl. Didn’t I tell you to order take out and put it on plates !!!!!! Oh the horror. I love love love food in a box, or better yet, already prepared frozen in a box. I’m so glad everything turned out ok. Did you tell him about the first batch or is he expecting Rachel Ray in his kitchen when you cook meals ?
You crack me up!!!! Girlfriend, you may want to start cooking with something a little less difficult – like oatmeal. I am proud of you – now, you just need a cute little apron and you will be all set…
How wonderful!!! Congrats!
You see all you needed was a little inspiration. Woo hoo! the pics look great! Very yummy!
LOL! Yous Brave!
I’m with you … cooking is a lot of work and ordering in works way better.
Congrats on not setting fire to anything or giving anyone food poisoning. I can only imagine how that must feel 😉
Hey there, I haven’t been around in quite awhile, but I just caught up on all your posts and you’re getting all my comments here…
Yea for the new man in your life! Belated Happy B-Day to your dad and I’m glad his surgery went smoothly.
I’m glad your boyfriend was enamored with your Kitchen Skillz. My husband makes a dish similar to that, but he uses spinach instead of aspsaragus and it is delish.
Take care~
Have I taught you nothing?
As long as you’re giving up your nether region, a man will tell you that the Elmer Paste you’ve given him tastes like heaven.
We’re not as stupid as you think.
And shouldn’t HE have cooked it? He IS a cook, right?
Cuz you said you had a cook inside you after all.
Just checking.
Wow the pictures sure look yummy. There must be some talents in there, else you can’t possibly roll the chickens so well!
Congrats, and now may you cook more and have fun.
Ha ha! great post! All’s well that ends well they say :O)
I like that picture. Your kitchens on fire, a bottle of flammable wine is nearby, and you grab your camera. LOL
That meal looks scrumptious! But your recipe was way to advanced. I don’t like spending much time in the kitchen, and like to keep it simple. I recommend cookbooks like Betty Crocker, Good Housekeeping, Better Homes and Gardens. I like the easy one-pot, one-dish, Chili, or stew recipes. Or something from the “quick & easy” section.
http://www.bettycrocker.com/
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/food/
http://www.bhg.com/recipes/browseRecipes.jsp
Those sites have limited recipes, so here are some popular huge recipe sites.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/
http://allrecipes.com/
Bon Appetite!
hahaha awesome post. I remember when I first started really taking a liking to cooking too … but I don’t think I would have tried risotto because OMG it’s tough to make it right. You deserve a medal girlfriend.
sounds like it turned out great! maybe you’d like to pass on the recipe… hint. 😉
GOOD JOB! I was here if you needed me though…
Next time? Smash the chicken a little bit. It makes it easier to work with (also cookes faster and takes out agression!)
Told you you could do it!
Loni:
YAY. I love it when I make people laugh out loud, or choke on beverages.
Paisley:
Yes please.
Send me the receipe!
Lance:
Two Hours is right. I had no idea where ANYTHING was in the store!
Silver:
I have no idea HOW I manged to rock this meal, but I am glad it all worked out so well!
Selma:
Yes indeed! He’s all mine now!
he he he
xoxox
The Girl I Will Bring Home:
Oh hell no. I did not tell him that anything went wrong.
And, I destroyed all evidence before he came home!
Im glad I made your morning!
xoxoxox
Skipper:
I really do want to get a cute apron! Then who knows what will happen in the kitchen! 🙂
Betty:
Thank you!
Drowsey:
I am so proud of myself for pulling this off.
And this morning, I saw that he brought the left overs to work with him.
He really did like it!
EmployeeNo3699:
Hey woman!
Im glad you are back!
You have been sorely missed!
Mooooog35:
ROTFLMAO.
You are too funny.
RMH:
I plan on cooking more often. Who knows I just might get the hang of it!
Babs:
Here! Here!
AIR:
Thanks for the links daaaaaling!
(that photo of the kitchen on fire was taken from google images.)
It was an advanced meal, but I DID IT!
It took One Hour just for PREP.
*Totally worth it*
Kristy:
I had no idea what I was getting myself into with Risotto!
Maria:
Will do!
Courtney Ryan:
I had your phone number on hand.
Just.In.Case!
Thanks for the tip!
All’s well that ends well. But may I suggest you stick with simpler recipies and gradually build up your cooking chops?
By the way, I feel like a fool in grocery stores as well.
Good thing you didn’t try something like Beef Wellington.
I am a notoriously bad cook. I need to take lessons from you! The first time I had my (now) husband over to eat, I clogged up the sink with potato skin.
What an adventure … I had no idea meal prep could be so stressful! Of course, I bake in the microwave (frozen Swanson’s)
Ha HAA!!!!
Richard W:
Nah. When I do something, I dive in head first!
But the next meal might be simpler!
BobG:
Oh I cant even imagine THAT one.
But, maybe I will work my way up to that eventually!
Momo Fali:
See. Cooking is HARD Work!
Speedy:
I have been known to cook FROZEN/ MICROWAVE dinners for Most Of My Life!
I’ve never even made a dinner like this for my own family. But, now that I know I CAN, I will!
Wow! That was SOME cooking project. It all came out in the end though so that is good – congratulations! And the good news is it shouldn’t get worse or harder. Only easier and better!
As an aside: If you really love risotto and don’t want to keep using the boxes, then I suggest investing in a rice cooker – they seem to make it perfect every time and they aren’t very expensive. That way you actually CAN be cooking it and paying attention to another portion of the meal. Believe me, I know how that can be after having burned plenty of rice in my pots and pans. Not pretty.
Miss Mel – I’ve been wondering what the result was of this!
Looks just like Tiffers chicken roll ups! That’s one of my favorite meals of hers so I’m glad she gave you this one to do. I’m also so happy it turned out okay for you and that he liked it.
I’ve cooked many times before in the past but I always feel like I”m dong something wrong and ruining some part of it or it’s not coming out like the directions say. So, now I just eat lean cuisines every night and I’m content and when I have a man around who needs dinner I’m totally willing to cook for them as you have. 🙂
I’m so glad you cooked for him and “no one died” (as you mentioned) LOL!!!! 🙂
Nice. Very. And several things to add: 1) Concern about your wine near that fire and whether it warmed the wine up too much to drink, because, you know, that’s what matters; 2) Yes, I am risotto challenged most of the time even if I stand there FOREVER pouring and stirring; 3) You’re lucky the woman at the deli counter didn’t kill you; 4) Brillo pads are worthless on that kind of goop so if it worked for you, you’re more amazing that I already thought; 5) yes, heat melts your mascara, and if you’re older than dirt like me, it will also trigger hot flashes; and 6) My hunkster always says the “Mmmmm smells good in here!” perfect thing to say, too. I’d say your guy’s a keeper. Keep feeding him. 😉
Teeni:
A rice cooker? Oh I am all over that!
Jen Jen:
You know Tiffers Chicken Roll Ups RULE. And I was so proud to have made them well! I know there is a cook inside of you too.
xoxox
Kellypea:
I will definitely keep feeding him.
He even brought the left overs to work this morning.
Risotto is CRAZY hard to make. I’m not even going to try it again for a while.
(That photo was taken from Google Images – not really my house)
My eyelashes may never be the same.
Brillo worked for me!
My man IS a keeper!
🙂
No one died? Your local Fire Department did not have to stop by? I love it! I am SO PROUD MONKEY!
You know how I love to cook. I will send you some recipes that LOOK hard and TASTE gourmet but are actually really simple. Send me your allergy list again and I’ll even modify them for you if they need it.
Nice job there !! Both on the cooking, and the blog post about it :o) It sounds like you are on the road to culinary greatness, which may be peppered with ‘accidents’ along the way, but overall will be a very rewarding road! Keep at it, and keep letting us know how things go.
Oh, and since he took leftovers to work today, I think that you have a good thing going there too! All the very best on that front too :o)
BWAHH HA HA HA!
You need to get this published. That. Is. Classic. I’m glad no one died. 😉
Well done!!
Leslie:
I KNOW! TOTAL MIRACLE!
And yes, I will be taking you up on that offer.
Manoj:
“the road to culinary greatness”
LOL
“Oh, and since he took leftovers to work today, I think that you have a good thing going there too!”
I am psyched about it!!
Random Chick:
I love when I make you laugh.
And I REALLY LOVE when you make me feel like my writing is good!
Amy:
Thank. You!
The only problem is going to be trying to 1-up that meal with the next one(s) that you cook for him. Good luck wit dat!! You’ve raised the bar high enough now that you’ve eliminated the possibility of EVER being able to serve up a frozen pizza. 🙂
LMAO – I absolutely LOVE the way you write!!!
So… my company has this research lab, one of the items in it is a stove that puts out fires. Yeah. A stove that automatically puts out fires. I’ll ship you a prototype.
Sure glad everyone’s alive! 😉 Congrats Meleah.
I just tagged you, btw. Hope you visit and do the tag. Thanks!
SoLow:
I think if I practice enough (on my family) that I will be able to One-Up this meal! or at least make something FREE of Food From A Box!
“LMAO – I absolutely LOVE the way you write!!!”
Aw. Thank you!
Brian:
Sweet. Thanks!
By the way, I LOVE YOUR BLOG.
Noemi:
Im proud too.
Okay. Ive been getting tagged alot but I will do my best to fit yours into!
🙂
*writes down instructions* (The brillo pad does not get baked, right?) Good work M! More guts than I.
If you had a cooking show on t.v. I would totally watch it and become addicted.
My goal in cooking has ALWAYS been to not kill anyone! Good job. If you ever want/need anything from an old wife, I’m here for you. I do something to a pork tenderloin that is out of this world–ask and I will reveal. 🙂
Donna:
No! The Brillo Pad does NOT go in the oven!
ha ha ha
Terri:
Could you imagine! A TV show about a person who has NO IDEA how to cook and learns as she goes by the seat of her pants all while making a fool of herself and occasionally causes brawls in the grocery store.
Wait. I think I’d watch that too.
Screw my dreams of being a writer!
We may be Reality TV Cooking Show bound!
CMK:
Oh YES PLEASE. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE your secrets and I’m DYING to get my hands on that pork tenderloin that is out of this world!!
You rule.
xoxoxox
Well done, Miss M!!! Now that the First Meal is out the way, you can relax! Your man is very wise to tell you he loved the meal, by the way. Because after all that work you put into it, for him, he should know that he is one lucky guy.
kisshugkisshug
eva
Hilarious!!!! I’m with you. Prepared box food is just fine. But, man, your chicken looks delicious and now I’m hungry!!! I’m so glad it turned out awesome and your man and you loved it. Way to freaking go.
Oh, the other night I made a meal to take to my mom in the hospital, cuz, you know how bad hospital food is. I burned the broccoli. How does one burn the broccoli??? I cut off the burned pieces, told my mom I was sorry and she ate it anyway. Said it was really good. But my mom’s a saint and would never say she didn’t like something you made for her. Next time, it’s a Wegmans prepared meal. Love that place!
Eva:
Yeah. He IS Lucky. I am a great girlfriend! I was never so relieved to have successfully pulled off a meal! kisshugkisshug back to you darling!
xoxox
Kathy:
I’m telling you…I just had to listen to my Inner Italian! I hope this cooking thing gets easier. Im sure each NEW meal / idea that I try will have its own issues, but hey, that just gives me blog fodder right!
“How does one burn the broccoli???”
LOL
Im sure your BURNT broccoli tasted better than the hospital food!
🙂
You Rock! The only problem with making such a great meal the 1st time out… now you’ve set the bar high for next time! What did you make for desert??? Or was there something else on the menu… (wink wink nudge nudge, know what i mean, know what i mean..)
Congrats!
one problem, you now need to keep up this level of cooking or even better it! I am just going to look into share prices at Brillo!
HEY , When does the resturant open
Yay for you! Sounds like you did well! And you impressed your man which is priceless.
I always turn my back on risotto. I’ve made it so often now, I have it down to a fine art. LOL!
yeah for making your first meal and “glad no one died”. i enjoy cooking (i’m a domestic goddess, let me just say that out loud cause it makes me feel good. lol ) but i don’t have time to get too detailed. email me some food.
This cracked me up.
“I just closed my eyes and listened to my Inner Italian. ”
lol