Once upon a time, there was a girl named Melody.
She has reddish-brown hair and big brown doe eyes. She lives at home with her loving parents and her teenage son. She spends most of her time inside of her pretty purple paradise, wearing comfy cozy pajamas, reading blogs, working on her novel, smoking Newport 100’s, drinking coffee, and excessively ‘liking’ other people’s updates on Facebook.
Melody is a dedicated mother, daughter, and friend. She enjoys her the role as the Family Historian/Paparazzi, making movies, playing Golf, Words With Friends, and Bejeweled Blitz. Melody also has extensive Food Allergies, Lupus, Sjogren’s, and Crohn’s Disease. But none of her ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ could have possibly prepared her for the nightmare she was about to face.
One day, out of the clear blue sky, something awful happened to Melody. It was something so terrible she vowed she would never to tell another living soul. However Melody can’t keep a secret to save her fucking life. And she had to tell someone. So, she called her very best friend, otherwise known as Annie The Barber. Melody was fairly certain that she is the only woman on the face of the earth to ever go through such a horrific experience.
But she was wrong.
After speaking with Annie The Barber, Melody was surprised to discover her best friend knew another woman who had gone through the very same thing. Within a matter of days, Melody learned of three other women who had also undergone through this painful ordeal. Melody began to wonder…maybe this situation really isn’t all that uncommon?
However, if it’s never happened to you personally, chances are you’ve never heard about it. And that’s precisely when Melody and Annie The Barber thought about discussing such a Taboo Topic, in a public forum, for several reasons.
At first, Melody resisted. She spent countless nights considering the consequences that might accompany this sort of material. She truly wrestled the pros and cons, because even though she’s been dubbed ‘The Queen of T.M.I.’ she really worried about offending some of her readers.
Eventually, Melody ultimately decided she could and should allow everyone to see behind the proverbial curtain. Because this is the second time it’s happened to her. And, she totally kept her mouth shut the first time around. And, let’s face it. Women have to deal with enough shit alone. Opening a dialog about this subject matter just might help someone else.
WARNING: This post is not for the squeamish. It’s graphic. And it’s gross. Proceed at your own risk, with caution.
One afternoon Melody was happily typing away on her Macbook Pro when she suddenly felt a pinching sensation Down Below. Since Melody ‘manicures’ the Bearded Clam she thought it was probably just an ingrown hair. She applied a small amount of Zinc Oxide and a Band-Aid, before proceeding with the rest of her day.
Much to Melody’s dismay, within twelve hours the pea-sized lump on her Pink Taco lip had swelled up to the size of a hard-boiled egg. And no, that’s not hyperbole.
The welt on her Bejingo became so inflamed she was sure it would burst merely from the pressure. Melody literally wanted to DIE from the excruciating pain. She could not sit. She could not stand. And she definitely could not walk.
With tears streaming down her sweaty face and desperate for relief, Melody begged her mother to take a look at her VaJayJay. And if that wasn’t humiliating enough? After one glance at her Peekachoo, Melody’s mother ran next door to ask the neighbors girlfriend to come look at the wounded area. Said neighbor’s girlfriend had gone through a similar situation a few months back and she might know what to do.
After both women assessed Melody’s Poontang, they realized they had no choice but to go to the Emergency Room. Melody had a high fever and she was vomiting. She never felt so helpless in her whole entire life.
Luckily, the Emergency Room wasn’t too packed and they were able to treat Melody pretty quickly. Of course the OBGYN on-call was a man. But at that point he could have been an alien for all she cared. He promised to stop the agony.
According to the physician, apparently women have what’s called Bartholin Glands. They are located at the entrance to a woman’s vagina, one on each side. They are small and cannot be seen or felt when they are normal. Their function is to secrete fluid onto the mucosal (inner) surface of the labia.
Who knew?
[Seriously, that’s a real question.]
Clearly, Melody’s Bartholin Gland wasn’t doing its’ job. Unfortunately for her it became blocked, thus the gland could not secrete whatever it’s supposed to. Which, in turn, lead to an infection, otherwise known as an Abscess Cyst. And that meant Melody would have to endure minor surgery called “Marsupialization.”
Now, even though Melody was never so happy to sit spread eagle, in stirrups, with a huge spotlight shining on her Broken Box, the actual process is equivalent to mid-evil horrific.
[Hang on to your hats and lunches, people. This is where things get really nasty.]
A Bartholin Cyst Abscess needs to be opened a lá kangaroo pouch style, incised and drained, followed by suturing the incised wall to remain in an opened position, in order for the healing to occur by granulation of the tissue formation from the base of the incision. After being drained, they take a sample of the fluid, to send out for cultures.
And if there was ever an appropriate time to dispense Propofol, this would have been that time. For Christ sakes, they knock a person out at the dentist office. And that’s precisely when Melody wished she was having a root canal instead.
Sadly for Melody, the medical professionals would not sedate her. Instead, Melody had a gigantic needle filled with local anesthesia rammed into her Delicate Flower three different times. And that’s when Melody’s Vahgeena acted like a total Pussy. And not just because Melody is terrified of needles, but because that feeling was worse than giving birth. And she was in labor for 42 hours y’all.
Thankfully, the lidocaine worked immediately and Melody did not feel anything else. Melody cried tears of relief while the doctor stitched her lip back together and wrote out her prescriptions.
After Melody came home and resting comfortably in her bed, the anesthesia wore off. The site of her incision and the stitches felt like a million, hot, burning, stinging, knives – and the area was beating like a heart pulsating. She stayed flat on her back, popping Vicodin like tic tacs — for three days in a row.
Four days after the incident, Melody still couldn’t drive, or stand for too long. And she couldn’t walk more than two steps without looking she suffered a mysterious horseback-riding incident. Melody’s mother drove her to the follow-up visit with her regular doctor. They removed the stitches and three feet of gauze packing from the incision, otherwise that could have gotten infected. And that’s when Melody received the results of the cultures they had taken. On top of everything else, she had a rare strain of a Staph Infection.
She remained home for several more days hopped up on heavy-duty antibiotics, and painkillers, completely pant-less. It was probably the most traumatic seven days of her entire life. In fact, Melody is still not on speaking terms with her Nether Region.
And that my friends, is how Melody was forced to climb ‘Broke Box Mountain.’
* Did you throw up yet?
Oh, and now Melody is considering making T-Shirts that say: BOW TO THE BOX.
I hear you have a new desk chair …. and am glad the situation is under control. Sure, I was afraid to comment but if you read a post you ALWAYS comment. That’s what mom always told me anyway!
“In fact, Melody is still not on speaking terms with her Nether Region.”
PRICELESS !
Thanks, Speedy!!
Her box is on the shelf at least until the summer!
Oh my god. I have never heard of this and now I’m terrified of it. I will check to see if my box is broken every ten minutes for the rest of my life. Melody must be one serious badass to handle this shit. ….hang on, let me….okay still good down there.
Glad to hear things are set to get to the better. Meleah, only one word summarizes what I can say as props to you: RESPECT.
Sarah,
Melody didn’t mean to scare the crap out of you!
And yes, she is pretty bad ass.
Melody thinks there should be a tshirt that says BOW TO THE BOX.
Awwww! Thanks, Rog.
You’re the best.
I have never heard of this! As if women don’t have enough issues to endure, now this too??? Poor Melody! If I didn’t think it would just aggravate her poontang – vajayjay – bejingo even further, I would give it a good kick in the ass for causing Melody so much pain!
I was laughing and cringing in horror all at the same time! I hope your land down under is healing nicely and that you’re…I mean…Melody is feeling better!
Terri,
How crazy is this? Melody & Meleah have never heard of it either. UNTIL IT HAPPENED!
And I’m sure Melody would PREFER being kicked in the box, over this ANY DAY!
Melody is doing much better!
Thanks for asking, Marty.
And, I am VERY happy people ARE able to LAUGH at this!
I have to admit, I have never heard of this but it sounds horrifying. This may be a personal question but how the hell do you pee in that situation (if it is too personal, you can tell me to go away).
Anne,
Melody told me she had to pee leaning sideways.
It was quite difficult. So she held it in as long as possible.
🙂
Oh good lord. I hope “Melody” is feeling better and not bitter towards the box in question. I once had an allergic reaction that caused a certain “region” to swell up into something that resembled cauliflower and had to go through that same humiliation. Unfortunately, my chest has never swelled up into something that resembled a vegetable as large as cauliflower, but whatever.
Abby,
Oy vey! How horrible!!
I have never ever heard of this and so sorry you had to endure yet another medical crisis. I was so hoping you would have a better year, so let us hope this is it. I mean really, it is time for you to get a break!!!!
Wow, I definitely thought I’d heard everything, but I’ve never heard of this. Poor Melody. Thank God she had people around her she could turn to for guidance. Can you imagine where one’s mind would go without that? I’m so glad she’s on the mend, and I think a t-shirt that says “Bow to The Box” is genius! 🙂
Lucy,
Well, this happened to Melody the last week of December.
So it does NOT count against 2012!
🙂
Steph
Melody is working on those shirts right now!
xoxoxo
Yes, I remember you partially telling me about this HORRIBLE experience earlier this year in an email.
And no, I didn’t throw up because this kind of thing doesn’t gross me out or make me feel squeamish because I use to be a medical assistant, so I’ve seen all kinds of things. Besides, remember last year when I blogged about my tooth abscess being drained? I know that the massive pain you experienced cannot be compared to my tooth abscess, but trust me, it was painful with only taking a
local anesthetic, so I can TOTALLY empathize with you, Meleah.
Oh, I mean….Melody.
X
I’m so old that I believe I actually have heard of this a long time ago. However, I don’t know who this happened to. My mother once had SEVEN boils in her nether region and THAT was quite a traumatic event, as well. (The boils were lanced and the doctor forgot to mention that she needed to bathe them and make sure they didn’t close back up prematurely, so she had to have them lanced a SECOND time! Yeah, that is one story I never needed to hear more than once.) I don’t even want to think about how much pain Melody was in–it makes me want to cry! I’m so happy she is feeling better. (And, by the way, I’m glad to deal with my ‘wetness’ problem if I never have to deal with this!)
I looked up “marsupialization” hoping to find a Disney-type story about kangaroos and wallabies. I didn’t.
Ahahhaha, Ron!
A tooth abscess is awful too!
And now Melody has gone through this TWICE. That’s why SHE thought it was so important to share!
You’re the best.
I’m working with Val & Kathy on the best time for the 3 of us to come see you!
SEVEN? SEVEN?
*FAINTS*
I will take a leaky vageena over a broken box ANY day!
Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend GOOGLING that!
Holy shit….you went through this TWICE!?!?!
(((( Meleah )))))
Must be a Libra thing because I also went through TWO tooth abscess – OY!
“I’m working with Val & Kathy on the best time for the 3 of us to come see you!”
GREAT! Can’t wait to meet you ladies!!!!!!
X
After hearing Melody’s story previously, I think your telling was a bit more “blog friendly” I hope Melody was able to laugh through you re-telling of her tale with you, as much as I did. (“hard-boiled egg” – I’m still sitting with my legs crossed)
WOOT!
Melody is a trooper, Jim!
And Melody is STARTING to find the humor, but that’s only because there are so many crazy terms for the word Vagina.
And yes, she IS! And you found quite a few names, and probably a few you couldn’t employ.
Oh there were a TON that I simply could NOT bring myself to write on paper, or say aloud!
I haven’t had that problem or ever heard of it but I’m sure women tend to avoid those conversations. We really need to be more open about the problems of the nether region. There are probably too many people suffering in silence and fear! I get small bumps every so often. The dr. said they were nothing to worry about – a part of my PCOS problem. I’m totally embarrassed by them and no one even knows. It is so ridonkulous! I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this painful and embarrassing problem but proud of you for sharing. ((hugs))
PS I’m shocked you are not currently feeling like Job. It has been a rough time for you!
Oh my word. I had one when I was 15. It grew so large and finally burst because I didn’t want to tell my mother about it until about 3 days before it burst. I was supposed to go to the doctor that very day. I had to wait for it to grow back for them to operate on it. I haven’t had one since. Thank goodness. And now I’ve probably jinxed myself. I think I have a ridiculously high tolerance for pain which is how I stayed quiet about it for so long.
And also, I’m glad you’re feeling better. xoxo
OK, so I didn’t finish reading it. I am squeamish unfortunately, so didn’t risk it. It sounds horrific to me, and I hadn’t ever heard of it either!
I all happens to Mealeah – or Melody, as it would appear.
I have no idea either, June!
But, Melody & I think it’s VERY IMPORANT for women to be able to discuss these female issues WITHOUT feeling shameful and/or embarrassed!
HOLYFUCK!
How the hell did you function for THREE DAYS with the egg?
Damn Lisa, I bow to YOUR box!!
xoxoxo
I don’t blame you, Babs!
If you’re squeamish RUN LIKE FORREST GUMP, and do NOT read this post!
xoxoxox
Ha ha ha! I got up to where you were in the hospital. That was far enough for me 😉
OMFG. First of all, let me apologize to Melody and all listeners, but I cannot help but use profanity here. The shock and awe of it all just stuns me. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus H Christ. Hasn’t Melody had enough bullshit to handle and now she’s got to deal with a broken box? I would say I feel her pain, but honestly, nothing I’ve dealt with even compares. I’m not amazed that she could write about this – she’s always been one to share everything with her friends/followers (and I mean everything). I am more amazed she could even keep her warped sense of humor in spite of it all. The fact that Melody is “not on speaking terms with her Nether Region” and walking around the house pantless had me dying down here. I gotta admire a woman who has had the cojones to share this with the world. I was laughing and cringing at the same time. I honestly hope that Melody is loaded up on antibiotics and Vicodin to at ease the pain. 2011 sucked enough and I am sorry that this is how Melody had to usher in the new year.
Good call!
Melody totally appreciates Agg’s use of curse words!
Melody tried very hard to maintain a sense of humor, but this was BY FAR the most difficult post she’s ever had to write.
🙂
It may have been a hard post, but Melody did a great job. I hope she is feeling better.
‘… A Bartholin Cyst Abscess needs to be opened a lá kangaroo pouch style,
incised and drained, followed by suturing the incised wall to remain in
an opened position …’
I almost passed out at that point!
Awww. Thank you SOFA KING much, Agg!
Melody feels a lot better!
Sorry, Nick!
But we did warn you!
I always bow to your box
Poor Melody. Could you give Melody a big hug & a kiss from me?