My mother’s 60th birthday party was nothing short of fantastic. (From what little I can remember.) My brother Lee, his wife Maya, and their two adorable children Jackson & Zaibryn showed up first. I was so excited to see them. Since they live over three hours away, I don’t get to visit with them as often as I’d like to. I can’t believe how big Jackson and Zaibryn are getting.
Lee, Maya and I sat down to enjoy a lovely breakfast my father had diligently prepared. In typical moronic fashion, I decided to take a gamble and partake in the in the festivities by eating something new. After all, I had ingested more pills than a ‘drug mule’ can carry, as preventative measures for this sort of occasion. What’s the worst that could happen?
After breakfast Jackson and Zaibryn went down for a nap. I was sitting at the dining room table pleasantly chatting with my family, when I felt the onset of the all too familiar itchy eyelids and lava earlobes set in. With impending doom hanging in the air, I quietly excused myself from the table, went to my bedroom, and took yet another Allergra.
Moments later, I rejoined my family and tried to participate in the conversation. Except that I could not speak. [On any other day, under any other circumstance, I am positive; not being able to talk would be cause for celebration for those around me.] My voice started cracking like a pubescent teenage boy. It was raspy, hoarse and sounded much like I imagine Lindsay Lohan would sound after a rough night. I tried clearing my throat and talking again but, I could barley make out a whisper. And that’s when the hives appeared. Great. I was having a full-blown allergic reaction.
This time, was the first, and only time, my throat ever started to close and my breathing became extremely shallow.
I hauled ass upstairs, swallowed an overdose of Benadryl, and made it into the bathroom before my stomach unwillingly exploded. Since I couldn’t talk, much less yell for help, I had to throw things against the bathroom wall in an attempt to get my son’s attention in the adjacent bedroom.
JCH came into the bathroom with a what-the-fuck-do-you-want-from-me typical teenager expression plastered on his face. After he took one look at me he changed his expression to holy-shit-my-mom-looks-jacked, and quickly ran to get my mother. As soon as my mom saw me, she dialed 911.
The police and paramedics arrived on the scene in no time at all. They immediately started asking questions and dispensing medical equipment. These highly trained professionals looked like they had just graduated from Junior High School. Seriously, my 12 year old son has more facial hair than these three …combined.
Speaking of my son, I must have taught him well, because while I was having a ‘near death experience’, he instinctively went for my camera and started snapping photos. “This is totally blog material.” He said after the Police Officer asked why in the world anyone would be taking pictures at a time like this.
Speaking of the Police Officer he was incredibly good looking. Which was not particularly useful. That only made having my pants pulled down, wrapped around my ankles, with nothing but a wet towel covering my lower body, and an oxygen mask strapped to my face, all the more embarrassing.
Meanwhile, my sister in law Maya had taken notice that ‘Super Hot Police Officer’ was not wearing a wedding ring. And then she busied herself trying to figure out a way to “score” me a date with the guy. Right. Because I was just beaming with “self-confidence” as my mother sang the alphabet to me while I was sitting on the toilet bowl.
Somehow I couldn’t use that moment of my life as an opportunity for a potential date. That’s not exactly what I would consider good timing to implement the usage of pick up line like, “Hey, ‘Super Hot Police Officer’? What’s a girl gotta do to get your phone number?”
In the midst of all that mayhem, my brother Adam, his wife Traci and their son MDW pulled into our complex. Mortified by the presence of a hospital gurney outside of our front door, I can only imagine what these two must have felt and/or thought.
Fortunately, after what seemed like forever times infinity, my breathing returned to normal and the shrill of my voice returned to its usual decibel.
Once all the commotion ceased, the rest of the day went perfectly wonderful. At least I think so? Benadryl normally gives me a nice case of narcolepsy, but, apparently when combined with an excessive amount of coffee and sugar, and xanax; I went into some sort of ‘zenn-adryl’ state of mind – which enabled me to function, but clouded most of my short term memory for the rest of the day.
I know that my father cooked and served: Strawberry Soup, Homemade Cesar Salad, Lemon Chicken, Grilled Corn On The Cob in Mint Lime Butter, Broccoli Rabe, and Steamed Garlic Spinach, with a bottle of 1984 Vintage Library Pinot Noir from Hanzel.
I remember Maya utterly fascinated by the ‘Baby Bible’ my brother Adam and Traci keep for their son. They keep track of everything. It’s kind of like a handwritten mini baby blog. To quote from the bible: “Tonight MDW found his man parts, and then he squeezed it so hard he started to cry.” Which is good to know. You want to keep track of the really important moments like that.
I also remember Maya explaining to me why she wraps Zaibryn (with her bad hair, no teeth, and cankles) so tightly in a blanket to stop her from rolling over, because from where I was sitting it looked to me as if her daughter was held hostage in a Straight Jacket.
After dinner and birthday cake, and after attempting to come up with some new descriptive adjectives for baby poop, we embarked upon our Family Photo Shoot.
My father spared no cost by having this ‘Photo Shoot’ taken in our own back yard, in the rain, by our next-door neighbor, really professional like.
* THE COMPLETE SET OF PHOTOS CAN BE FOUND HERE *
All in all, I am sure this was a very memorable birthday for my mother. She was able to spend time with all of her children and grandchildren, which is exactly what she wanted.
I am just trying to clear my foggy brain which is still coated in ‘zenn-adryl’ resin.
You poor thing. Have you any idea what caused the reaction? I know I shouldn’t laugh but talk about a problogger in training with the way JCH grabbed that camera. And noticing the hot policeman under those circumstances? Your sense of humour is outstanding. I hope you are feeling better and not too shaken up. Take it easy.
Ummm…that will be the most memorable birthday party evah!!!
I’m glad to hear that everyone remained calm and reacted in a professional manner. I’m also glad to see you’re ok and able to write this post for us.
Justin grabbing the camera is funny as hell. I’m glad it wasn’t too serious
and that everything turned ok. The pictures are hysterical.
Selma:
I did my best to try and make this situation into a funny post. Wasn’t easy, but I have to make fun of myself, otherwise I couldn’t handle this. My son cracked me up by taking charge…and stepping up to the plate, taking on photographing responsibilities. I am feeling much better…but I dont think I will be eating anything NEW for a very long time.
Dazd:
Ya think! Its a freaking miracle I was able to write a post and keep it as light hearted as possible!
CBG:
Dood. You know JCH has learned from the best! The pictures? Well, lets just say Welcome To Humiliation Nation. When I say I keep it REAL, That means even the most embarrassing of photos can and will be posted.
Zennadryl haze…I love that term!! I can’t even begin to imagine the panick that set in when you started to get worse. I am very happy to say that Thank God those 3 tweens, ah I mean paramedics didn’t have to take you to the hospital. They look younger then JCH!!! And Damn about Super hot cop! He wasn’t going for the maiden in distress hunh? I am so glad to hear your on the mend.!
wow… must have been some day… but am glad all ended well and the pics tell us that it was good fun with the family. Take care… keep smiling away those allergies as much as you can… 🙂
Have a great day…
Cheers…
Or, ‘now that you’ve saved my life and seen me sitting on the toilet, being sung to by my Mother, can I take you out for a drink, as a bribe not to ever tell anyone?’ HAHA, I’m just teasing you! I think your note would be perfect 🙂
Chef Mom:
I was thinking about maybe sending the Super Hot Cop a little note? Something like…
Hey! Thanks For Saving My Life, As A Token Of Appreciation, May I Take You Out For A Drink?
Arv:
It really was a GREAT DAY! I am smiling away my allergies as we speak!
Chef Mom:
HA HA HA HA HA
Now that would be the Best Letter under the guise of a bribe!
You sly fox you, I bet you just wanted to give your mom the feeling of having to look after her little girl again. What a unique birthday present…;)
Seriously though…Holy Jeebus!! And what the hell with the Tween Rescue Squad??? I would have laughed them out of my house and then asked a squirrel for help–they probably have had more real life experience than those three.
Stop thinking you can be dangerous by eating food, sheesh!! J/K!! I hope you survive the day.
I don’t know about you, Meleah, having an allergic reaction so that you can show some good looking cop your underwear?? There’s gotta be a better way.
I don’t want to overstate the obvious here, but maybe you should give up trying new stuff? Is there any testing that you can have done to give you an inkling of the types of foods you need to avoid?
Sorry for all the crappy drama, but once again you came through in high Meleah style! {{{{{Meleah}}}}}}}
I’m glad you’re ok….don’t ya just love that there’s a law that says ALL Paramedics, MOST Firefighters, and MANY Police Officers have to be GOOD LOOKING? I love that law. I find reasons to call 911 whenever possible 😉
SomeGirl:
“I would have laughed them out of my house and then asked a squirrel for help–they probably have had more real life experience than those three.”
Ha ha ha ha…ha ha ha…ha ha ha ha…
I Love You.
That was a GREAT comment.
Lee:
There HAS TO be a BETTER way!!
Ive had a million tests…and whats crazy is when I have an allergic reaction to things I have been able to eat with NO reaction. I have to go back for further testing since Brand New allergies are popping up all over the place!
Barbara:
For Real! I am a sucker for a man in uniform, but Police Officers …whew…I get all sweaty just thinking about them!! They tend to make we Weak In The Knee Caps.
My gosh girl, glad you are okay. That was some story, which by the way, can you cut and paste this into your book, great read, ejoyed the writing. Comical. I know just what your son’s face looked like, I had to laugh at that.
OMG! What the hell made your throat close like that? How scary! Sounds like you handled it with grace. And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that your son immediately saw that this was great blog material! LOL!!!
Glad to hear that you’re breathing normally again. Geez!!!
Oh Sweetie! I’m so sorry this happens to you. You poor thing. Seems with all the medical knowledge out there, that they should be able to fix you. I wish they could.
OMG – you poor thing! I have terrible allergies as well, never had to call the paramedics altho I did speed to the emergency room one time … a lot of what you talked about sounded familiar!
And your son! lol … omg, what a guy. Taking photos for the blog! Gotta luv him.
The photos were great, the babies …. omgosh, adorable!
Hope you’re feeling much better!!!!!
well thank god your still alive so we can go on our vacation!!! your not eating anything riskee when we are away cause we dont want to see the hospital in D.R. i cant believe that when you call 911 teenagers arrive. WTF???
Valerie:
“Great Read, Enjoyed The Rriting. Comical”
HOORAY! Someone gets thats this was supposed to be on the light hearted side.
Although this post does lean a little dramatic – what with the near death experience and all.
I guess terms & adjectives like:
Drug Mule,Lindsay Lohan, and PrePubescent Paramedics are only funny to me?
Random Chick:
My son was all over ‘camera detail’ he even made sure to get the photos of my Brother Adam and his Wife Traci with Baby Mason upon arrival, since I was indisposed at the time!
Momo:
I wish I could take a magic pill, or have whatever it is that makes me sick removed. I just wish I could eat like a REGULAR person again.
Oh well. I am learning to work with what limited options I have.
Drowsey Monkey:
Allergic Reactions are God Awful…
I feel fine. Now. Just Hazy and Overly Medicated. I have no idea how I did my job today.
Tiffany:
I know. Right! Pre Pubescent Paramedics don’t exactly give a person that warm and fuzzy feeling of security when faced with possible life threatening issues.
holy christ meleah,, don’t you have like one of those pen thingys so you can inject yourself in case of something like this.. if not i would think you would be able to get one,,, your freaking throat could have closed up and killed you!!!!!
but since it didn’t,, and you are ok,, can i go look at all the pix now????LOL!!!
So… really…. is JCH still alive today? If so, he’s one lucky boy!
Well that was scary to read! I am glad however, that at least you recovered enough to enjoy some of the day. Great pictures!
Oh sweetie!
Props to your son for grabbing the camera…when’s he going to start his own blog?
Hope you’re feeling better. Any idea it was that you ate?
A squirrel!! My God that was funny!
…but not what happened to you my sweet one. I’ve had the experience of my throat closing in an allergic reaction twice in my life. Few things are more terrifying. I carry an Epipen with me now – what Paisley was talking about. You must have one, don’t you? I’ve never used it – and wonder if I’d have my wits about me enough to use it correctly.
In any case, I’m so glad you’re okay. No more food experimentation to that degree w/out an Epipen nearby.
I’m glad you’re mom had a happy birthday!
Jeez Meleah, wouldn’t have been easier to just hire a clown for the entertainment?
Of course, now your party will have set the standards for everyone you know:
“So you’ve got a live band, big deal. If you want real excitement, have Meleah plan your party next time.”
My first reaction was OMFG, I hope you are okay-but then when I read about your son and the camera…well, I lost it there. I’m glad you are okay now, that sounds really scary.
That is so far BEYOND a Liz Lemon that it deserves a new title. You pulled a MELEAH!!!
On the serious note, I’m glad you are ok.
paisley:
I LOVE YOUR NEW PHOTO *fully* LOVE.
Yeah, I have an Epi-Pen, In fact I have 4. One in my purse, one in the bathroom, one in my office and one in the kitchen. I just cant JAM a needle into my own leg. And I always feel like I will go into cardiac arrest after a shot like that!!
Terri:
I thought about killing him while he was taking the pictures, but after I saw the pictures I laughed so hard, I decided to let him Live. For Now!
Beth:
Im glad its over too!!
Courtney:
Oh some berry that I may have a new allergy too. My son will probably start his own blog one of these days. We all sure know he has the knack for taking photos
HollyGL:
I carry an Epi-Pen 24/7. I just really HATE to use it. It makes my heart feel like its going to explode! Anna’s comment cracked me up too
BobG:
HA HA HA HA
Thank you.
Looks Like Ive raised the bar!!
Silver:
Scary. and yet some funny material.
Michael C:
Great. I always wanted my very own title.
OH MY GOD Meleah…
#1 – most importantly – so glad you’re okay!
#2 – it’s insane that us bloggers have these things happen in our lives and then think “this will be great blogging material!” and THAT is what it ended up being!! (despite the scariness, embarassment, etc… it was good blog fodder!)
The tales of the cute cop, the 12 year old paramedics, and your son being a boy after my own heart taking all those photos was so well told!
Hope you feel okay! xoxo
“holy-shit-my-mom-looks-jacked”
haha! Best line ever! Zen-adryll sounds kinda intriguing 😉
First off: great spirit through the crisis Meleah, not everyone can claim that trait, even more at turning a critical situation into something like this blog post 🙂
Second: my hat is off to the EMS team, they indeed look young, probably barely out of Cadet into Regular staff (18 years old)… already with their heart in the right place.
GREAT BLOG. You had me laughing and then saying OMG thank heaven you are alright. love you cuz oxox
Jen:
Everything can be blog fodder if told properly! I am glad you enjoyed reading this event~too bad I cant find out who that Hot Cop was!
Oh and yes, my son was the ‘bombinatrix’ by taking charge of Photo Detail!
Tesco:
That was his real expression! and Zen-adryll is a pretty nice buzz!
Rog:
They were young, but they did a great job.
Shelly:
he he he..I knew you’d laugh at this one
First of all, I hope you’re feeling better now.
You’re funny Meleah, and with a really good spirit 🙂
And I can really image your son busy shooting during the whole event 🙂
Now about the officer. Hhmmm you want to write a Thank You note to the officer? Maybe a thank you dinner? that’s good start 🙂
OMG — where do I begin? The hilarity here (nonwithstanding your health issues, of course) is mind-blowing!
First, JCH grabbing the camera — ahh, it brings a tear to my eye that he’s following in your blogger’s shoes!
Second, the jailbait paramedics — you know you’re really getting old when you start recognizing that shit.
Third, you with your pants down and hottie cop in the near vicinity — that’s a steal!
Fourth, Maya trying to create a love connection — in the bathroom!
And lastly, the Baby Bible. Of course, I agree with you totally. Maybe the P’s will use it as blackmail when he’s old enough to date!
You made my WEEK with this one! I hope you’re feeling better….
That’s serious business going on there. Glad you are OK and feeling a lot better. You always have events going on. If nothing else, they make for great posts.
Indeed, you have a great photographer in the mist. Your son was on point in getting the action as it happens. You have raised him well.
I’m back in action until they put more stuff on my plate. Thank you for reaching out.
RMH:
I want to use Chef Moms Idea..send him a note that says:
“Now that you’ve saved my life and seen me sitting on the toilet, being sung to by my Mother, can I take you out for a drink, as a bribe not to ever tell anyone?”
he he he
Brenda Starr:
Oh honey!! It is MY pleasure to make YOUR WEEK.
*thrilled* in fact!
I love how much you appreciate the humor in this situation.
Urban:
I am totally proud of my little nugget for getting the Action Shots.
Glad to have you back.
🙂
MELEAH PUT DOWN THOSE DANGEROUS FOODS!!! I felt my air getting cut off by just reading this!!!!!!! I’ve been an allegra popping fool the last couple of days. My allergies suck right now. But please be careful. this was scary but the pics were great.
What a frightening experience. Nice family pics by the way. You have a very attractive family.
wow. glad to hear you are ok. you have trained that boy well!
Way to steal the limelight from your mom Meleah! 😉
Seriously – how SCAREY! OMG! I am so glad you are OK sweetie…and your son had the wherewithall to take such incriminating photos!
{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ricardo:
I am never eating again. That should be safe right?
Marsha:
I have to get over to your blog soon. Im sorry I have been neglecting you!!
Miss Burrows:
Agreed!
Olga:
I know. I felt terrible for that! Im just glad everything turned out alright and that my son knew how to Take Charge of the Photo Situation.
Good Lord, that’s one helluva story!
You’ve a better temperament than I – in that situation, if I had a kid, and he or she started snapping pictures, I think I would have become quite enraged…
Either way, glad you’re alright (and well enough to tell the tale!)
-The Rev.
thats terrible
Jen:
Nah. It was actually a great day.
The Rev!
I was ALMOST mad….almost….but then I saw the photos and laughed my ass off. Besides I have taken MANY a picture of my little man when he did NOT want me to. It was a nice ‘revenge’ for him!!
Dang, meleah. I’m wincing for you over here. I would have been completely mortified, but yanno? I would have been more mortified without the toilet. I just don’t know how you do it!
KellyPea:
I was mortified 100% mortified. I have no idea how I live like this with all these issues all the time. I guess thats WHY I blog about it. Makes it easier and funnier to deal with.
xxoo
Pictures of your anxiety and the super hot cop pick up lines cracked me up. HOWEVER your anaphylaxis did not! You poor poor thing. I’ve dealt with anaphylaxis more than I care to think about with my husband’s allergies…we’ve been to the ER too many times to count with epi pens and all. DO you carry an epi pen? If not, please get one! Now I’m gonna worry about you!
Maybe Super Hot Cop LIKES girls on the toilet covered in towels!
Blessed1:
I *Love* to make people laugh/smile.
yes….I have an EpiPen
Jillian:
Im going to try and FIND out!
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