It’s no secret that I love infomercials because I’ve written about that before.
As a result of my unbridled enthusiasm for all things As Seen On TV, I am the proud owner and wearer of Pajama Jeans. In fact, I am single handedly responsible for making other people, including my mother and my brother’s girlfriend, proud owners of Pajama Jeans, too. But I’m not here to talk about Pajama Jeans. At least not today.
I’m here to talk about facial hair.
Specifically, my own.
There are few things more disturbing then scratching an itch on your face, only to feel a multitude of sharp spikes protruding from your chin. Or, realizing your upper lip resembles that of Groucho Marx. Or, catching a glimpse of your reflection in the mirror and seeing excessive hair growing on the side of your cheeks. And not the cute peach-fuzz kind. But the, “Holy shit, are those fucking sideburns?!” kind.
Apparently, because I am half Italian and half Jewish this makes for one hairy beast. And I’ve had this issue ever since I was a little girl. At the age of six, my mother took me to the beauty salon just to have my neck waxed. True. Story.
Anyway, since I am not a member of the Kardashian Family, I can’t exactly afford to pay for those expensive laser-hair-removal-treatments. However, I have tried nearly every other option on the planet. Mostly unsuccessfully.
Let’s review. Shall we?
* Shaving
I learned the hard way it’s not just an Old Wives Tale. The stubble will grow back, thicker.
* Nair and Veet
I have no idea how they managed to bottle ingredients directly from the sun, but they must have, because both products are so powerful, they left 3rd degree burns.
* Plucking
Who has 14 hours, per day, which is what it takes, to remove those hairs individually?
* Waxing.
While it is the most efficient, it’s also the most painful. And, you may or may not lose several layers of skin. Or, an entire eyebrow.
Of course, this provides little to no options left on the table.
So imagine my excitement when I saw an infomercial wielding glorious promises about the newest supersonic hair removal system, complete with technological advancements. This new and amazing product guarantees super smooth skin, and a totally hairless complexion, and, without any pain. An absolute ‘Must Have’ for anyone challenged with facial follicle issues.
What is this new and totes amazeballs device I speak of?
I am talking about the ‘No!No!’ people.
According to their infomercial and website:
“A patented thermodynamic wire with built in safety mechanisms which has enabled No!No! to adapt professional hair removal technology for safe and effective use within the comfort of your home. With No!No! there is no pulling, no tearing, no cuts, or scraping, just a slow, smooth glide that gently and easily removes hair. Designed for simplicity. Compact and comfortable. No!No! is a cute little handheld device that you can take and use almost anywhere – at home, at the office or on the road, with professional results guaranteed.”
Finally! A real solution. I immediately picked up the phone and ordered one. And I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. When it arrived, I feverishly ripped open the package like a young child on the eighth night of Hanukkah. My life long problem with facial hair was about to be over. Never again, would I be out in public, worrying whether or not rouge strands of hair could actually wave to strangers.
But I was wrong, my friends.
So. Very. Wrong.
Without going into graphic detail, let’s just say, I am sad to report massive disappointment. It does NOT live up to ANY of its promises, even though I followed every single direction with the utmost precision. I had high hopes, only to suffer through some god-awful smells, a few burns, and one bout of electrocution, until I simply couldn’t endure any more brutality. And unless your objective is to under go a series of self-inflicted injuries, this probably isn’t the right product for you either.
Also, it should probably come with the following Top 10 WARNING Signs:
- This product does NOT remove any hair. Even though that’s exactly what we promise, repeatedly, in all of our commercials. Good luck trying.
- Clearly, the lady in our advertisement who claims she hasn’t had to shave, or wax, or tweeze any body hair in over four weeks, is an outright liar. Because as we’ve already mentioned, this product does not remove any hair, even though we told you it would.
- While using this product, the smell of burning hair will immediately engulf your bathroom. Which is rather misleading, especially since this product does not remove any hair. Therefore, no one can truly pinpoint the cause of that horrible stench. However we assure you, the stink alone will leave you praying for the onset of anosmia.
- This product will most definitely burn your skin. As a result, your facial tissue will produce a noxious gas and an unforgettable gamy fragrance. You may or may not gag uncontrollably. *Also, we highly recommend keeping First-Aid Cream handy. Because you’re going to need it. And lots of it.
- The combination of burning flesh AND burnt hair smells almost exactly like mixing charcoal and sulfur. And by that, we really mean it smells like diarrhea and rotten eggs. Except that diarrhea and rotten eggs smell way better.
- These foul odors will cling to the inside of your nostrils for several days. And linger inside your home for an entire week. And, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Even the power of Febreze is totally useless.
- Please be advised, this product has also been known to deliver: jarring, painful, searing electric shocks. And, without any warning, whatsoever.
- Said jarring, painful, searing electric shocks, may or may not leave permanent scars. *Please refer to the use of First-Aid Cream as previously discussed in item number four.
- According to a product review on Amazon, you’re better off going out and buying a cigarette lighter. Flick it and let the flame burn off your hair and probably some skin as well, because that’s about the same effect you will get from this piece of garbage.
- And lastly, we cannot stress this enough, this product is only intended to be given as a spiteful gift to your Arch Enemies. And/or for government purposes, to use on terrorists, as a means of torture.
Now if you’ll please excuse me. I should probably seek medical treatment.
PS: Does any one have any suggestions on where/how I can find an inexpensive, pain-free way, to remove all of this god-forsaken facial hair?
OMG… #5 had me a’giggling!!! You poor thing! I don’t remove my hair, but alas I was blessed with a weak 1/2 Mexican mustache. It’s a little Fu Man Chu-ish so I can still bleach it. I am sorry I have no suggestions, but I feel your pain my sista. On a more important note: How the fuck is this product still being sold?
This product should TOTALLY be banned – from all countries. For cereal!
OMFG! You had me laughing through all 10. Especially #6. I was trying to picture you snorting some Febreze to get rid of that smell. You deserve a medal for serving as the test subject on this one for the rest of us. With all of your experiences, I imagine you could even set up your own review site for this stuff and call it “OH. HELL. NO.”
I do agree with #10 – we need this product to extract information from terrorist (especially the hairy ones) when waterboarding just won’t do.
BTW – as I get older, I find that hair stops growing where it should (like on top) and starts growing in places in shouldn’t (ears). You could always try duct tape. Not painless, but it a cheaper treatment.
OMG! Poor you… although, I must admit I did laugh at the antics of your hairy beastiness. 🙂
And you forgot to include one very grateful Canadian in your list of Pajama Jeans converts!
I laughed, but I totally cringed while I did:)
“And not the cute peach-fuzz kind. But the, “Holy shit, are those fucking sideburns?!” kind.”
Bwhahahahahahahaha! OMG…that CRACKED ME THE HELL UP, Meleah!
Listen, being a fellow-Italian, I can TOTALLY empathize with your abundant hair growth. And it seems the older I get, the MORE freakin’ hair keeps sprouting all over my body. And it’s is so ironic that you posted this today, because this morning I had to SHAVE the upper part of my back because I have hair WEEDS growing there and I HATE it. I’ve actually considered using Nair because they have a product on the market for men.
This product you mentioned sounds a lot like something that use to be on the market years ago. Do you remember Epilady? OMG…it was TORTURE!
Loved #10. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Fab post, girl! Thanks for laughs!
X ya!
I hadn’t seen that particular infomercial but I try never to watch any commercials that entice me to buy a miracle as I have past disapointments that still hang over me.
I did one buy some type of epilator type of device for my legs and it was the most painful device I have ever had the misfortune to come into contact with. It literally ripped the shit out of my legs. I think the reason that they could say the hair wouldn’t grow back is the fact the scar tissue would interfere with the hair follicles.
I don’t have facial hair to deal with but my daughter had lazer treatments on her chin and they seemed to have worked well. The problem is the cost. Not horrible by session price but it takes 5 or 6 sessions. Here some of those types of clinics have a monthy fee based program that makes it a little easier to work into a budget.
Sorry that you had to deal with the NO NO piece of crap.
Ahahahaha!
Duct Tape!
And, I’m glad I was able to make you laugh.
I’m totally willing to humiliate myself just to put a smile on your face.
🙂
You are indeed a Pajama Jean convert!
And I’m so happy you laughed.
Otherwise this wouldn’t have been worth the agony!
🙂
Oh hell yes, I remember the EpiLady.
That thing was BRUTAL!
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for laughing WITH me.
Love you, Ron!
Thanks, Cheryl!
I’ve been hearing nothing but GOOD things when it comes to laser hair removal treatments.
And I am TOTALLY investigating costs/sessions/time, ect!!
I have watched that informercial a gazillion times and since I get my upper lip waxed, at least every 21 days, well, I wanted to try it. I hate waxing but I think I will stick with it and thanks so much for being my guinea pig, bet you didn’t know you had the pleasure. Oh, and was that what happened to your lip, the No! No!?
I KNEW it! Thanks for the heads-up! My favorite local radio station has taken to doing those advertisements where the deejays promote products. The most recent promo is for the NoNo and they swear it works great. I ALMOST looked into buying one. You can bet that I won’t now!
Actually, I had an allergic reaction.
But it was NOT because of the No!No!
And, I am going to stick with waxing too.
This shit is NO JOKE!!
xoxo
You got me so excited until you told me it didn’t work. I’m glad I read to the end or I would have ordered one myself.
Definitely DO NOT BUY IT.
Total piece of crap.
But I was more than happy to be the Test Model for y’all!
xoxoxoxo
Such a waste of money.
And totally-super-painful.
Glad I’ve stopped some of YOU from enduring the same tragedy!
If I were you, I’d print this off and send it to the company. Or the FDA.
Ya, know…
I really MIGHT do that.
Someone should file a formal complaint!
I researched this product when I was thinking about buying one and knew immediately that it was a health/safety hazard. Burning the hair off at/below skin level? How the hell is that safe in ANYONE’S mind??? (And then you point out that it doesn’t even remove the hair!?!?) Good grief.
The only solution I would tell you to try is ‘threading.’ I have never had this done, but would like to. (The closest place I know of that does this is several hundred miles away, so…) It is an ‘ancient art’ and supposedly does a great job at getting even the tiniest hairs. I have no idea how much it hurts. 😉
Oh, really?
I’ve never even heard of that.
Thank you, CMK!
* googles threading immediately *
There’s always napalm.
I feel your pain! Thanks for blazing the trail, and proving that if it seems to good to be true, that’s probably the case.
Yes please.
Totes!
I hate to laugh…., but I did. 🙂
I’ve heard of the threading that someone commented about earlier. I believe it’s quick and painless, but don’t know how permanent it is. It might just be worth the money to have the laser hair removal treatment done – although it wouldn’t be near as funny!
I am REALLY considering the laser treatments.
At least I know for certain they work, and the results are permanent.
And YAY I’m glad you laughed.
I have to laugh, otherwise I’d be too angry!
🙂
Once again you have turned pain into laughter! I suggest you sue them for false advertising!
Thanks, Marty!
And maybe I should!!
Thanks, Marty!
And maybe I should!!
HAHAHHAAH. i mean er um, i hope you are returning the product for a full refund! seriously, return it. now about the chin hair, i have some too and either i shave like a man, or cut it like a woman.
I totally waxed my whole face today.
Had to be done.
This may be my very favorite of all your posts. Hysterically funny. Excellent comic pacing. Succinct and perfectly timed punchlines. And the jokes just kept coming. Laughed myself silly. So sorry you got screwed over on that piece of crap and I hope you make them give you your money back.
Thank you SO MUCH, Jayne!
That means the WORLD to me, especially coming from you!
xoxoxox
I’ve seen those ads. I will never buy something called “No No”. That’s a stupid name for a product.
Okay, Sis, facial hair. You are making way too much of it. Meleah, get it waxed if it bothers you, but really, there’s nothing really unattractive about a woman with some hair on her face. Sideburns can be very charming on a woman. And I met a lovely French girl with an adorable little moustache. I used to pluck mine, but time and the decrease in my eyesight have caused me not to even see it any more. If I don’t see my own, I sure as hell won’t see yours! Give up contact lenses immediately. No eyeglasses either. Voila! Problem solved.
I call ’em as I see ’em, girlfriend. You rocked it! xoxo
Ahahahahah!
That’s it!
I’ll just stop wearing corrective lenses for my eyes!
Problem solved, indeed.
I love you, Linda.
xoxo
YAY!
I love you too, Baby. And I know the failing eyesight is a real blessing. I’m the only woman my age I know who has no wrinkles, no facial hair, and no droops anywhere that I can see!
AHAHahHAhahHAhahh!!!
That sounds like an absolute nightmare. I’m surprised they’re allowed to sell it. Hair removal is a real pain and I don’t think there’s an easy answer. I laughed and laughed when I read this. It is hilarious. You are like a member of the Bad Product Police, keeping us safe from products that don’t do what they say they do and actually endanger our lives. 😀
That’s what I’m here for, Selma!
To protect and entertain y’all, even if it left me with burns and scars.
Is THAT what happened to your lip!?!? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!! Darn darn darn I was so excited… “for I too am the Big Foot of facial hair.” what the hell. Remember I told you my friend works at the medical examiner’s office, and she said older women loose their hair DOWN THERE? I am convinced it just moves up to the face. UGH.
“The Big Foot of facial hair.”
HILARIOUS.
LMAO – you know girl that body hair is one of my favourite things to hate. I remember shaving my legs when I was a teenager and it took so long. As a guy I have to shave daily or have rough stubble on my ‘otherwise cute face’. I hate body hair and the stupid fact is that I’m balding! Why the heck can I not have all this hair go to the top of my head so I can have a full, luxuriant head of hair? Why not? I will gladly be bald all over the rest of my body, including manland, to have a full head of hair with no balding spot or thinning hair.
Well that’s awful!
Being one quarter French, I too have the hair problem. I saw the No No, but decided to Google reviews before parting with any money. It’s very expensive in England (like most things). The reviews said all the things you have said in this post, so I didn’t get it. I did, however, buy an Epilator. IT HURTS!
I do a small area at a time (it’s all I can stand) It’s just like using tweezers but it whips them out when you least expect it, making your eyes water at times. I only do my top lip and that’s bad enough. I don’t know what it would be like anywhere else!
Why can’t tashes for ladies come into fashion? I’d have a head start 🙂
Ha ha! Now I know why I don’t have wrinkles yet!
This post has given us such a laugh! Especially Linda’s comments. I so know where she is coming from. Mo and I both have the same issues. I find a rogue hair on my face and say “Why didn’t you tell me?” Mo answers “I didn’t see it” and vice versa.