[*Okay people, I’ve been very busy working on my book again. And therefore, I have been reduced to writing blog posts about the weather. Deal with it.*]
Dear Mother Nature,
The last few weeks have been exceptionally hot. And by that I mean; I think it might have actually been cooler to live ON the sun. Seriously? During the month of July, I was unwillingly subject to: record breaking, ridiculously, unbearable, must-take-a-shower-every-five-seconds, and no matter what do-not-shut-off-the-air-conditioner kind of hot.
As perfectly illustrated in the photo below.
And if that wasn’t bad enough?
When you were not beating the earth with excruciating rays of heat? You were busy dumping excessive amounts of water upon us in the form of raging thunderstorms complete with flash floods and life-threatening lightening.
Also perfectly illustrated in the photo below.
Don’t even get me started on the god-forsaken humidity. The simple act of breathing air became virtually impossible.
And, I am totally blaming you for the ‘Moisture Marks’ [read: gruesome pit-stains] left visible on my clothing, and ones that could only be removed with ‘Industrial Strength’ cleaning products. So yeah, thanks for that.
But, in all fairness, I half expected these kinds of weather conditions, especially after the type of winter you put me through. And, as long as I remained indoors, without trying to write anything of substance – or even think clearly, I was prepared to get through August just the same.
However, I have to draw the line somewhere.
Last week, I was attacked several times by what can only be described as mutant mosquitoes. Because, no regular mosquito could inflict this kind of damage.
I have never been so swollen, so itchy, and so puffy. After unsuccessfully trying to use door frames and walls, I had to resort to using wire hangers just to scratch the grapefruit sized bite in the middle of my back. And later that very day, I was unpleasantly surprised to find a golf-ball-sized welt on the left side of my FACE.
[Sorry, no photos are available for that one!]
I truly believe, because of these erratic weather conditions, a new species of mosquitoes have been spawned.
Either that, or you have just given them weapons.
Whatever the case may be, I beg of you.
Please, stop. It’s enough already.
Thanks in advance.
YES! YES! YES! The mutant mosquitoes must die! It's just awful and the humidity is unbearable. You would not believe how hot it was on the subway going to Brooklyn to do these shows.
You're welcome to come down here to the sauna. With 95+ degree temps and 98% humidity, we keep the a/c running 24/7. I've even seen a few people who have installed an a/c unit in their dog houses…
And don't be hatin' them poor mosquitos. They're here a just short while to spread love and joy to the masses. Besides, they seem to like you alot. Maybe that's because you taste sweet. Or perhaps spicy?
Get Avons, Skin So Soft. It works against the flippen mosquitos, I promise. Granted you smell like baby powder all day but its worth never getting a grapefruit sized welt on you back again.
The heat doesnt bother me because I can always find AC. Or a pool to lounge in. I'd rather be hot than freezing but I guess thats why I live in the sauna otherwise known as South Florida. 😉
And is there a “non life-threatening” type of lightning?? lol.
muahs girl. stay coooooooooooooooooooool. 😉
I was going to write a post about the weather – I spent last night watching kayakers ride up and down my street, through the dog park and across the church parking lot.
P.S. Why are people so stupid? If you are driving down a street that is covered in water and you see two, three cars stalled out in the middle of the lake, why do you think YOU can make it through????? and when you don't why do you think it's ok to leave your car stalled out in the middle of the road for hours afterward? Morons – they're everywhere.
I hate the humidity – and when mixed with heat – I sweat from head to toe ! (Those pit marks extend to my waist).
But it was nice and cool last night. This morning is beautiful too ! Just perfect.
Dear lord you crack me up. I noticed yesterday how pale I am because I've remained indoors. A month ago, I decided to mow, resulting in three nasty yellow jacket stings. Since I'm already bee phobic, that kept me inside for weeks. Then the heat. Finally, last night, I stood outside in the dwindling evening, having a short chat with MathMan. I moved some chairs the kids had left helter skelter next to the deck. Next thing you know, I'm battling about five wasps. The long, droopy ones. And they were angry. Turns out they had built a next between two of the chairs. I guess I'll go outside again in November.
I don't mean to be indelicate, but we didn't actually need an arrow in that “moisture marks” photo. Just sayin'.
Our summer has been beastly, too, but so far I've been able to avoid the mosquito buffet. Maybe because I haven't left my air-conditioned house in 2 months?
(You look adorable EVEN with gruesome pit stains!)
You made me feel itchy just reading about your bites. I try to avoid heading outdoors so I can avoid the mosquitoes. Have you been getting the tornado warnings? I love on the east coast. I shouldn't have to worry about seeing a cow flying by.
Ok, first I have to comment on the corn photo…
Bwhahahahahahahahahahaha! That was BRILLIANT! Laughed my ass off!
And I have to thank you for sharing this post because I feel the same way, but I'm so tired of hearing myself complain about the heat, that I don't dare post about it, in fear I'll never stop. This has been the worst summer for heat and humidity, hasn't it? And like you, I kinda figured this was going to happen after last year's winter.
I am SOOOOOOO ready for Fall!
Fab post, my friend! Have a COOL weekend!
X
They are OUT OF CONTROL!
That's CRAZY hot. Too hot for me!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would rather smell like baby powder then walk around with these massive
bites!
Wow. People are REALLY dumb!!
The humidity finally broke a little bit for like a day, and HOPEFULLY this
weekend will be nice. Unless the weather man is lying to me!
Seriously! Ive never BEEN so pale during the summer either!
Its too humid to try getting a tan!
And I would have FLIPPED out under a wasp attack!
Ill meet you outside in November!
I'm trying to embrace my pit-stains!
Good call staying INDOORS!
We've been lucky enough and have NOT had any tornadoes in my part of NJ!
Worst Summer Ever!!
And, I am soooo disappointed I will NOT be seeing YOU this weekend @ our
blogger meet up! Too bad you have to work.
Pit stains are hawt. And I hope you get some coolness in your life ASAP!!!!!
This is why I love you. You so dope and down to earth that you don't give a damn about showing off your underarm sweat marks.
We have said this before. After 20 plus years…..in another 10 if we are still unmarried loud ass chain smoking diva's with our bomb son's we need to committ to each other in a non lesbian way but to spend our lives growing old TOGETHER.
Thanks Mary!!
I love you FORVER Sarah Sunshine!
oh my goodness!!! That is hysterical!!! I'm so glad I read your rant. <3
You're welcome!
You know, up until this post, I must confess that I had this image of you as a SEXY, intelligent, witty woman.
Now, though, in my mind, you're more of a SWEATY, intelligent, witty woman.
So thanks for that.
What a great comment this is!
Thanks Mike! 🙂
Can't I be BOTH: Sexy & Sweaty?
Weather forecast for Saturday in Dubai
44 degrees [111 Fahrendeit]
Not only a/c but chillers run through all apartment buildings because without them even the a/c wouldn't work its that frikkin' hot 🙁
It has been hot here as well but not as hot as it sounds where you are! Hot is nice when you have nothing else to do but lay in a cool pool of water! lol
The hottest it got over here was 110. And I could have DIED!!!
Whenever I've been outside, I've been IN WATER.
Thankfully one of my closest girlfriends lives around the corner from me – and I've spent MOST of my summer? At her house and in her pool!
That's a cool Rolling Stones T-shirt and you look great in it pit stains and all! I'm not a fan of this heat either, but when it's hot I think about last winter's snow storms and I don't mind it so much.
The arrow and don't forget the 'tongue' on a sweaty t-shirt !
hahaha. too funny. i love that popcorn comic. yes it has been brutally hot this month, but that's july for you. i'm a july baby. tomorrow we'll have great weather.
don't forget your bug off.
I hate staying inside all the time, but between the heat and the bugs there's no other choice.
As I live in the city of mosquitoes, you have my empathy.
Great post. Maleah. The “corn cartoon” is hysterical.
Here, the great and wonderful powers-that-be have decided that modern living isn't the way things should be done. So, for every swamp that has been drained and built on, a new, man-made, 'wetland' has to be created. We have three within four blocks of us. You want to talk mosquitoes? But then again, we have the neighbor's bat houses and the furry little buggers that find their way into MY house, so I guess I don't have to worry about the mosquitoes. >:( But, between the yellow jackets, bats, mosquitoes, heat, and life-draining humidity–combined with the fact that I. HATE. SUMMER.–I haven't left my house in more days than I can count. All I do all day long is repeat my mantra: it is almost winter, it is almost winter, it is almost winter. (And I have my countdown calendar running to tell me exactly how many days till hockey starts again…) Every day brings me closer to nirvana–and I take it one day at a time. This too shall pass… 😀
Over here it was raining throughout the whole day yesterday. Fortunately, there wasn't any news of flash floods which happened a few weeks ago. And today the weather is very hot.
Love that corn photo! Come here, it rains every freakin' day.
What can I say? With a top temperature of 77 we have been able to sit out in the sun. It just didn't last long enough. I feel for you.
That was damn funny! I love the first picture. Priceless.
Bravo! I hate the sun, I hate the rain and I especially hate the industrial sized mosquitoes. This summer has been sucky. My plants are all messed up. It's been raining for months and yet because mother nature dumps buckets on us rather than spit on us, the rain just runs off to the sewer and eventually the river. The ground is dry and yet I refuse to water my grass when we get five inches of rain every other day. I say, bring on winter.
I usually LOVE the summer. But this year? UGH. Brutal!
Its either flooding or too hot! No happy medium over here!
Maybe August will be BETTER than July!
Cant get much worse than this!
That corn photo cracks me up!
hopefully it will be cooler in August!
I know!
I hate HATE bugs!!