There’s a blogging conference and all the ‘Cool Kids’ are going. You may know some of them.
First, there’s the founder of Tribal Blogs and Redhead Ranting Jennifer. Margaret of Nanny Goats in Panties, will be there, as well as Kathy of The Junk Drawer. Plus Rachele of Wine at Five, my long-lost-sister Nicky of We Work For Cheese, Moog aka ‘The Midget Man of Steel’ from Mental Poo, and “Shut the f#^% up Donny” so is my friend K from CardioGirl. Just to name a few.
[Oh, and because it’s being held in Minnesota, there’s also a very good chance I might get to meet one of my long time blogging girlfriends Terri, of Into The Mystic. She lives there.]
The best part is, everybody is invited! You don’t even have to be a Tribal Blogs member to attend.
And I REALLY want to go.
And not just because I’ve become good friends with some of the people who are attending and I would have a fabulous time. But also because I really think I would learn some very valuable information. It’s not all that often the opportunity presents itself wherein I could be surrounded by so many totally-super-funny, incredibly talented, and brilliant writers.
Over the last five years I’ve spent blogging, I have never attended any kind of writer/blogger conference. That’s largely in part because I am easily intimidated, and the fact that I am a poor person, made for the perfect excuse to skip out on such events. But I don’t want to skip out on this. And I don’t want to come up with any excuses. In fact, going to this conference will not only provide an awesome educational experience, and life-long-memories, but it will also force me to face some of my fears.
So, let’s just suspend reality for a moment, and pretend that I am able to come up with enough money for a plane ticket, hotel accommodations, and the registration fee. [I’m looking at you mom.] And, let’s just pretend that I am able to find a babysitter willing to watch my 14-year-old son while I will be out of town. [Again, I’m looking at you mom.]
That being said, if we put the monetary constraints aside, let’s talk about some of the fears I’m going to have to face in order to make this happen. Shall we?
First – Getting On An Airplane.
I am absolutely petrified of flying. It has nothing to do with the pat-downs and/or full body-scans, and it has nothing to do with possible threat of being hijacked by some crazy-extreme-terrorist. I’ve been flying, ALONE, since I was 13 years old. And I never used to be scared. That is, until I had one horrifying experience. And that horrifying experience included: extreme, violent turbulence, which caused the oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling, and the luggage to fall out of the overhead compartments. In turn, that led me to think WE’RE ALL GUNNA DIE, because I wholeheartedly believed at that very moment gravity could reach right up, grab a hold of my plane, and rip me from the skies. And if that wasn’t bad enough? On that very same flight I was seated next to a man with a serious case of chronic halitosis – which inevitably sent me into uncontrollable heaving and hurling for the entire seven-hour flight. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I literally kissed the tarmac when we finally landed safely.
Desperate to avoid flying, especially after seeing what seat 27A looks like, I momentarily considered ‘Road Tripping’ my way out to Minnesota with another friend. [I’m looking at you, Valerie.] But then I looked at a map. And even though I am completely geographically challenged, I realized it would take several days for us to travel by car. On the one hand taking a road trip like that would be a blast, she could be the Thelma to my Louise. On the other hand, I remembered that Valerie and I both have a penchant for getting lost. Really lost. Even within the confines of our own towns. Val has mentioned she couldn’t find her way out of paper bag, and I can’t read directions to save my life. I have an awful suspicion the two of us would wind up somewhere closely located to “Fuck If I Know” and end up sold as sex-slaves. Or worse. We might land ourselves in ‘Even More Canada’, and that would really suck, because the only person who I know that lives in that area is Nicky. And she won’t be home – because she will be at the conference.
Which brings me right back to flying on an airplane.
I know I would feel a whole lot better if I had someone to fly with me. [I’m still looking at you, Valerie.] Just think, we could white-knuckle the flight together and toss back a few cocktails. And by a few, I really mean MANY.
Second – Making A Fool Of Myself.
A) The Sound Of My Voice, And The Things I Might Accidentally Say:
When I am overly excited, I’m inclined to shrill like an old Jewish woman from New York, or Fran Drescher. Not to mention my natural speaking voice is generally 1,924,837.6 decibels higher than your average Jane. No one will ever accuse me of being a low talker. Plus, I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth whenever I’m nervous. And since there aren’t any delete or backspace keys when you’re talking face-to-face with someone, I can guarantee I will say something really stupid. And then, I will have to live with that shame and humiliation for the rest of my life. Also, there’s the issue of cussing. While it’s seldom I use expletives online, or in my writing, in ‘Real Life’ I have been knows to curse like a Sailor. It’s almost as if I have sporadic episodes of Tourette’s syndrome. Honestly, ya’ll. Just ask Kathy. We recently met this past summer, and I literally frightened her.
B) Clothing:
I have no idea what to pack for an event like this. Moreover, I have no idea what to wear. Do I have to dress respectably, like business casual? I would be highly embarrassed if I showed up either under-dressed, or over-dressed. Will someone please fill me in? What exactly is the appropriate attire for a blogging conference? Because at this point I’d pack every article of clothing I own, and I’m willingly check 15 different pieces of luggage, just to be on the safe side. Also, if I have to put on real pants, or god-forbid a skirt, and pretty shoes, I definitely need to go shopping. Yanno, unless, I am allowed to come to the meetings dressed in my pajamas, or at least my ‘Pajama Jeans’, and my slippers?
Third – The Hotel Room.
Here’s a little secret you my or may not know about me. I am afraid to sleep alone in new places. Especially hotels. I think I’ve seen the movie ‘The Shining’ one too many times. I would feel a lot safer if I had ‘Roommate’ to help me figure out what those strange noises are. And bonus, we could split the cost of the room with each other, thus saving money. [Once again, I’m looking at you, Valerie!]
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t warn you. I’m not exactly an easy person to share a room with.
1. I have major insomnia. I usually can’t fall asleep until the wee hours. And, I like to keep the television on all night long.
2. I’m obsessively clean. You will probably catch me spot-cleaning in-between the maid service. And I will be checking the sheets and towels with my special black-light for any shady stains.
3. I am not a morning person, by any stretch of the imagination. I must have at least two cups of coffee before I can speak to anyone. Seriously, do NOT even attempt to make eye-contact with me until I’ve ingested enough caffeine equivalent to an 8-ball of cocaine.
4. It takes a minimum of 45 minutes to do my hair. Between my hot-rollers, my blow dryer, my flatiron, my specialized shampoo and conditioners, I’m going to need an entire carry-on-case simply for my ‘hair supplies’. Because as long as my hair looks good, I might be a little less concerned about how I’m dressed, or the idiotic things I’m going to say.
To summarize, before this becomes the longest blog post ever written in the history of the world…
If by some small miracle I suddenly get an unexpected windfall of money, or win the lottery, and if by yet another other small miracle, I manage to find the courage to challenge myself to face my fears, and if by one last small miracle, you all help convince me and Valerie to ‘please join the conference’…
Then, I will attend.
* PS: When you’re looking for me, if you don’t recognize me from the 15,000+ photos I’ve posted online? I’ll be the girl in pajamas, with fabulous hair, who clearly had too much alcohol to drink on the airplane, wielding 15 different pieces of luggage, and shouting obscenities.
Just a thought. As you are the video queen, I would love for you to make a little video (especially for Mo and I) of all my blogging pals saying hello to us. It would mean so much to me, and I would keep that forever!
if you have any hotel questions, I’d be happy to help as I work at one. 🙂 most noises are caused by people walking around last at night (security or guests) or something acting up with the heating/cooling or refrigerators. The good thing about hotels is that there is always someone there and believe me hotel front desk staff have heard it all, so even calling them asking about a strange noise would be totally appropriate. I recommend Hamptons.. they aren’t crazy expensive, they are very nice accommodations, AND you get a free breakfast. Don’t worry, I’m not advertising.. I don’t work at Hampton 🙂
*walking around late at night
Oh and I meant to add that sometimes I have trouble sleeping at hotels too….I turn on the fan and leave the tv on but really low so that there is a noise level I am comfortable with. Or go to sleep with some headphones/music or some earplugs.
you’re not pushing me. i want to go for sure…but not the conference, but everyone will be there darn it. oh meeting for the summer is a date for sure.
I am coming in March, the 18th-21st. Unfortunately the business isn’t earning enough to support a business expense :).
It is totally doing things differently. I was certainly not trying to make you join me in being anti-social. You go girl!
Hell yes, you need to go. It wouldn’t be a party without Meleah.
Sure, getting there may be a bitch, but to see all these people in the flesh, you cannot pass up on that. Even if you have to hitch across country to get there, it would be worth the trip. If you wind up teaming up with some of the tribe for the trip, I imagine THAT would be another adventure. Cross country with Meleah & posse would be a show. You need to go.
I only wish I could make the trip up at that time. I’d love to meet you as well as others from the cast, but but I’m afraid it ain’t in the cards this year.
So funny Meleah, I have a fear of flying too (hellooooo…. Valium? It’s me, Christine) and unless I am so knocked out I’m lethargic and humming Grateful Dead tunes, I wont step foot on a plane.
Also, I don’t enjoy hotel rooms but for different reasons otherthan yours: Bedbugs (GADS!)
I need to call you and we need to set up lunch!
Haha. Laughing at Slyde’s comment.
Oh, I hope you get to go. I hate flying too but I do find that flying with someone else helps. I know you’d have heaps of fun at the conference. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
Meleah, I want to go more than ANYTHING too!!!!! I want to see everyone in person… I feel like I know everyone from Tribal!! I especially would want to meet you too… there are things you write about that hit home so much. You crack me up, so I know if we met in person I would be snorting milk out of my nose… or wine, or whatever we are drinking at the time. I tend to be shy at first around new people – I would be nervous for all the same reasons. But the thing about it? We GET it. We GET facebook. We GET blogging. We GET taking pictures of disasters we have caused before we clean them up. We GET putting our family on video and posting it… that is what ties everyone together. Jen, maybe you could win the lottery and send us ALL up there to you???
I’ve never been to any blogger gatherings cos I prefer to remain anonymous. Who knows I might just end up meeting one of my clients I always bitch about … LOL!
I’ve never been to any blogger gatherings cos I prefer to remain anonymous. Who knows I might just end up meeting one of my clients I always bitch about … LOL!
Aw … Meleah, I really, really hope you get to go!!
I understand the fear of flying after such a horrible experience. Turbulence is no fun, but combined with halitosis it must be torture!
It wasn’t The Shining that made me nervous to sleep alone in hotel rooms but the John Cusack movie ‘1408’. If you haven’t already seen it, DON’T watch it because after that you would never, ever get over it. ROFL!
Oh I will be sure to take millions of photos to share with you Babs!
Oh HELL YES!!!
Thanks, Jules! You rock!
Gotcha!
Great idea!
Yippeee! Im psyched about this summer!
This is DTD – big time!
Thanks Agg.
I really think I AM going to go!
Yes, definitely, I’d love to set up lunch with you.
And Ill be popping xanax like tic-tacs on the plane!
Thanks Selma!
Katherine,
YOU HAVE TO COME!!
YOU HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HA!
Great, now I almost WANT to watch that movie!
HA! Thanks, Jay.
If V won’t come with you we can totally room together. I also like coffee before speaking, don’t mind the TV on all night, and am extremely low maintenance when it comes to hair and make-up so the bathroom (or whatever space you need for your supplies and transformation) is all yours. 🙂
If V won’t come with you we can totally room together. I also like coffee before speaking, don’t mind the TV on all night, and am extremely low maintenance when it comes to hair and make-up so the bathroom (or whatever space you need for your supplies and transformation) is all yours. 🙂
Meleah,
Ahhhh….you would be a complete BLAST to hang out with at a conference!! And honestly, I have this sneaky suspicion the airplane ride would be pretty cool, too!!
May it all come to be!!! (…well…except the turbulence!!)
Yes! Alright, Rachele! You might be The Perfect Roommate! YAY!
Aw! Thanks, Lance!
You. MUST. Be there! (I’m looking at you, Meleah’s Mom and Valerie!!) I can lend you clothes and shoes and hair supplies and whatever else you need. BTW, I’m still laughing at the thought of you showing up in Even More Canada!! Be warned, I won’t be home, but Jepeto will!! 🙂
I truly cannot wait to meet you, Nicky!
Meleah you think Waaaaaaay too much. Reading your post is like playing the movie that goes off in my head every time I get a chance to do something. I’ve missed so many great chances at travel (free tickets to Scotland last summer to stay with my sister for a month, family reunions – in Minnesota of all places, I even passed up two trips to London with my husband because I can’t stand flying.) It sucks. You’ve got to find someone to travel with you – think how much fun you’ll have hanging out with all those crazy guys from Tribal Blogs. AND, if you make this trip and have fun I bet everything will be a lot less scary for you next time you get a chance to do something fun. Me, I’m to poor, busy, don’t have the right clothes, have three kids to find babysitters for, etc.)
Meleah, except for the fact that you’re a single woman and I’m a happily married half-man, you sound like the perfect roommate for me. I could even loan you my hot rollers.
That’s exactly how I feel, too, Meleah.
I’m desperately trying to figure out a way to get there. I don’t want to be met, but I DO want to meet the two of you, and Jen, and CG, and so many others. I’m going to die if I can’t go. Kudos to jen for organizing this thing, with help, of course.
Dude, you also have to be there. Really. You’re my BFF 🙂
XOXOXOXO!
You have to face the fears, you will be so happy you did it!! Of course, having a some liquid courage to help you through, especially, flying can’t hurt (LOL). JUST GO!!! (although Minnesota in the winter, yikes) BUT, no, you NEED to go!!!!
I got here late, so are you going to go? I hope so, because I’d love to read about it.
Im going to do my best to get brave – and go on this trip!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
🙂
I really WISH you DO find a way to come to this conference!
xoxoxo
Liquid Courage INDEED!
Im working on it!
I just saw this posted somewhere and I’m entertaining the idea of going since Minnesota is *only* a mere 12-hour drive from Michigan.