There’s a blogging conference and all the ‘Cool Kids’ are going. You may know some of them.
First, there’s the founder of Tribal Blogs and Redhead Ranting Jennifer. Margaret of Nanny Goats in Panties, will be there, as well as Kathy of The Junk Drawer. Plus Rachele of Wine at Five, my long-lost-sister Nicky of We Work For Cheese, Moog aka ‘The Midget Man of Steel’ from Mental Poo, and “Shut the f#^% up Donny” so is my friend K from CardioGirl. Just to name a few.
[Oh, and because it’s being held in Minnesota, there’s also a very good chance I might get to meet one of my long time blogging girlfriends Terri, of Into The Mystic. She lives there.]
The best part is, everybody is invited! You don’t even have to be a Tribal Blogs member to attend.
And I REALLY want to go.
And not just because I’ve become good friends with some of the people who are attending and I would have a fabulous time. But also because I really think I would learn some very valuable information. It’s not all that often the opportunity presents itself wherein I could be surrounded by so many totally-super-funny, incredibly talented, and brilliant writers.
Over the last five years I’ve spent blogging, I have never attended any kind of writer/blogger conference. That’s largely in part because I am easily intimidated, and the fact that I am a poor person, made for the perfect excuse to skip out on such events. But I don’t want to skip out on this. And I don’t want to come up with any excuses. In fact, going to this conference will not only provide an awesome educational experience, and life-long-memories, but it will also force me to face some of my fears.
So, let’s just suspend reality for a moment, and pretend that I am able to come up with enough money for a plane ticket, hotel accommodations, and the registration fee. [I’m looking at you mom.] And, let’s just pretend that I am able to find a babysitter willing to watch my 14-year-old son while I will be out of town. [Again, I’m looking at you mom.]
That being said, if we put the monetary constraints aside, let’s talk about some of the fears I’m going to have to face in order to make this happen. Shall we?
First – Getting On An Airplane.
I am absolutely petrified of flying. It has nothing to do with the pat-downs and/or full body-scans, and it has nothing to do with possible threat of being hijacked by some crazy-extreme-terrorist. I’ve been flying, ALONE, since I was 13 years old. And I never used to be scared. That is, until I had one horrifying experience. And that horrifying experience included: extreme, violent turbulence, which caused the oxygen masks to drop from the ceiling, and the luggage to fall out of the overhead compartments. In turn, that led me to think WE’RE ALL GUNNA DIE, because I wholeheartedly believed at that very moment gravity could reach right up, grab a hold of my plane, and rip me from the skies. And if that wasn’t bad enough? On that very same flight I was seated next to a man with a serious case of chronic halitosis – which inevitably sent me into uncontrollable heaving and hurling for the entire seven-hour flight. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I literally kissed the tarmac when we finally landed safely.
Desperate to avoid flying, especially after seeing what seat 27A looks like, I momentarily considered ‘Road Tripping’ my way out to Minnesota with another friend. [I’m looking at you, Valerie.] But then I looked at a map. And even though I am completely geographically challenged, I realized it would take several days for us to travel by car. On the one hand taking a road trip like that would be a blast, she could be the Thelma to my Louise. On the other hand, I remembered that Valerie and I both have a penchant for getting lost. Really lost. Even within the confines of our own towns. Val has mentioned she couldn’t find her way out of paper bag, and I can’t read directions to save my life. I have an awful suspicion the two of us would wind up somewhere closely located to “Fuck If I Know” and end up sold as sex-slaves. Or worse. We might land ourselves in ‘Even More Canada’, and that would really suck, because the only person who I know that lives in that area is Nicky. And she won’t be home – because she will be at the conference.
Which brings me right back to flying on an airplane.
I know I would feel a whole lot better if I had someone to fly with me. [I’m still looking at you, Valerie.] Just think, we could white-knuckle the flight together and toss back a few cocktails. And by a few, I really mean MANY.
Second – Making A Fool Of Myself.
A) The Sound Of My Voice, And The Things I Might Accidentally Say:
When I am overly excited, I’m inclined to shrill like an old Jewish woman from New York, or Fran Drescher. Not to mention my natural speaking voice is generally 1,924,837.6 decibels higher than your average Jane. No one will ever accuse me of being a low talker. Plus, I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth whenever I’m nervous. And since there aren’t any delete or backspace keys when you’re talking face-to-face with someone, I can guarantee I will say something really stupid. And then, I will have to live with that shame and humiliation for the rest of my life. Also, there’s the issue of cussing. While it’s seldom I use expletives online, or in my writing, in ‘Real Life’ I have been knows to curse like a Sailor. It’s almost as if I have sporadic episodes of Tourette’s syndrome. Honestly, ya’ll. Just ask Kathy. We recently met this past summer, and I literally frightened her.
B) Clothing:
I have no idea what to pack for an event like this. Moreover, I have no idea what to wear. Do I have to dress respectably, like business casual? I would be highly embarrassed if I showed up either under-dressed, or over-dressed. Will someone please fill me in? What exactly is the appropriate attire for a blogging conference? Because at this point I’d pack every article of clothing I own, and I’m willingly check 15 different pieces of luggage, just to be on the safe side. Also, if I have to put on real pants, or god-forbid a skirt, and pretty shoes, I definitely need to go shopping. Yanno, unless, I am allowed to come to the meetings dressed in my pajamas, or at least my ‘Pajama Jeans’, and my slippers?
Third – The Hotel Room.
Here’s a little secret you my or may not know about me. I am afraid to sleep alone in new places. Especially hotels. I think I’ve seen the movie ‘The Shining’ one too many times. I would feel a lot safer if I had ‘Roommate’ to help me figure out what those strange noises are. And bonus, we could split the cost of the room with each other, thus saving money. [Once again, I’m looking at you, Valerie!]
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t warn you. I’m not exactly an easy person to share a room with.
1. I have major insomnia. I usually can’t fall asleep until the wee hours. And, I like to keep the television on all night long.
2. I’m obsessively clean. You will probably catch me spot-cleaning in-between the maid service. And I will be checking the sheets and towels with my special black-light for any shady stains.
3. I am not a morning person, by any stretch of the imagination. I must have at least two cups of coffee before I can speak to anyone. Seriously, do NOT even attempt to make eye-contact with me until I’ve ingested enough caffeine equivalent to an 8-ball of cocaine.
4. It takes a minimum of 45 minutes to do my hair. Between my hot-rollers, my blow dryer, my flatiron, my specialized shampoo and conditioners, I’m going to need an entire carry-on-case simply for my ‘hair supplies’. Because as long as my hair looks good, I might be a little less concerned about how I’m dressed, or the idiotic things I’m going to say.
To summarize, before this becomes the longest blog post ever written in the history of the world…
If by some small miracle I suddenly get an unexpected windfall of money, or win the lottery, and if by yet another other small miracle, I manage to find the courage to challenge myself to face my fears, and if by one last small miracle, you all help convince me and Valerie to ‘please join the conference’…
Then, I will attend.
* PS: When you’re looking for me, if you don’t recognize me from the 15,000+ photos I’ve posted online? I’ll be the girl in pajamas, with fabulous hair, who clearly had too much alcohol to drink on the airplane, wielding 15 different pieces of luggage, and shouting obscenities.
Ok, you sold me.
I’ll be your roomate.
but if you wanted to sleep with me SO badly, you just had to ask…..
Aww yeah! “Shut the f#^% up Donny!” You absolutely HAVE to show up. Valerie will fly with you. *Looks at Valerie and says it again, “Valerie WILL fly with you.”*
This is going to be so much fun, but you forgot to add that we could identify you by your lovah — the MacBook.
Go! It’ll be such an awesome experience. Personally I’d jump at the chance to go to a blogging conference-seriously.
Ha. Ha.
You must go. The end. Also? You can’t take your hair supplies as carryon anymore, thanks to the T.ASS.A – gotta mail em or check em.
That’s true. I NEVER leave my house without my Macbook.
And please keep trying to convince Valerie!
I wish I could go but I have 2 trips planned to Minneapolis already. I really can’t justify another one. Besides, I would be intimidated with that crowd.
You CAN come, Nik! Seriously!
It’s OPEN to everyone!!!!
Um…I *must* bring my hot-rollers ON THE PLANE with me.
I simply cannot risk losing them!
I’m a little intimidated too, but this will TOTALLY count as the ULTIMATE
act of “Doing Things Differently”! Right?
I can’t wait to see you in person. I would suggest you grab Kathy and drive with her but she can’t drive, needs to eat dinner promptly at 4:30pm (at least you could save on your meal because they early bird gets the senior discount) and she gets lost in her own neighborhood ( wish I had the link, but she really does). Rachele is looking for a roommate and she is pretty laid back so she might be able to handle rooming with you.
This is going to be so much fun!!!! (I’m screeching myself when I say that)
there is no reason to be intimidated. That floors me that you would even say that. When are you coming to Mpls, we must do lunch. And, you can totally justify another trip, it’s a business expense.
I am really trying to plan for this! Too much fun would be had, plus it will be part of my hopefully-6-month-long-summer-road-trip…yeah, I spend too much time on my hair, like to cuss (maybe not as much as you), but don’t want to scare the other bloggers (like you did Kathy, lmao), and will probably be seen with more than one glass of wine…in any given day…
And how do you know how much coffee equals an 8 ball?;D
I never, never, EVER leave the house without my Macbook…hmmmm!
Im definitely scared shitless as well as super excited.
Kathy, Valerie and I all share the same Get Lost Syndrome.
Is Kathy really DRIVING out there? Or is she flying?
Either way, she’s already afraid of me.
Hmm. Maybe I will shoot Rachele an email.
Anne should NOT feel intimidated by our ‘crowd’ – we love her!
Lisa!
YOU HAVE TO COME TO THE CONFERENCE!
Please, please, please, please, please?!!
Lisa,
Seriously. I don’t. It’s bad.
Have you seen the “video” which expresses my undying love?
If not, go here:
http://mommamiameaculpa.com/?p=5316
xoxooxox
Don’t be intimidated. You’ll be fine. I wish I was coming, but I’d have to bring Harry and Honey with me and they really don’t like to fly. I figure I could let them stay with Jen since she already has one dog, what’s two more? If I could find someone to share a lear jet, I think I’d do it. I could just slap orange halters on the dogs and say they are service dogs, but they might act like fools. And then everyone would know I was lying.
Oh Linda, I sooooooo wish YOU were coming to the conference.
At least if I needed to wear pretty shoes, I could borrow some of your
high-heels!
If it makes you feel any better, when you die, you die. Be it on a plane or road trip or blog conference. Or something else. The flying, with all the alcohol seems like a good idea.
As far as the conference itself, sounds like after you feel a little comfortable and situated, you will be the life of the party. You just have to be you and all that silliness.
Also, im a new reader and totally love your blog.
Oh oh, and I was the one hitting on you on Flickr. Sorry, but damn!
I really want to go, as well. I just have to sort out my schedule.
As for attire, I was under the impression that this was one of those “clothing optional” blogging conferences. Isn’t it?
Oh Thomas!
I really hope you CAN join us!
I’m all for the clothing optional plan. My option would be to wear my pajamas!
Welcome to my blog, I’m glad to know you enjoy reading my silly little posts.
And I’m definitely getting drunk on the plane.
And, I’m flattered you think I’m attractive. Thank you.
Ok got it.. look for the hot chick in…PJ’s great hair and drunk…:)… I share the flying thing which is why I always keep the rubber on the road…my old Pops used to say always sit in the back of the airplane cause ya never hear of em backing into a mountain..that never made me feel any better when I flew … but there ya go…. making a fool of yourself, I am an expert it’s the only thing I have ever got an “A” on just roll with it and have fun…..sorry I am one of those cheerful whistling morning people so that ain’t going to work…:)))
All right, all ready!
I’m definitely an expert on making a fool of myself.
Hopefully, these fine people wont judge me too harshly!
Normacita!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
I can help you on the roommate thing. And if that works out, don’t worry about the insomnia. 🙂
Hardy har-har.
You crack me up Moog.
You are one of a kind Meleah..and I mean that in a good way!!! Such an amazing person!!! As far as you attending the conference..that is something you should really try to do..just think of the great blog you’ll have for us after experiencing facing all the “fears” that you mentioned!!!!! lmao I love you!!!!
can i say i just want to meet you. conference, what conference? i don’t want to grow my blog, maybe my hair a little on the sides, but that’s it. i want to meet the wizard, you jack. now how much is the wizard worth? you’re an expensive first meet, aren’t you old gal? of course it would be totally cool to hang out with meleah and kathy again. i don’t know anyone else.
alright jack, you are too cute meleah, now that i know you really really want to go. i will get back to you soon. very soon with my response. i really don’t want to go to the conference, i just want to hang out and oh, meet the wizard. oh and i am not cohabitation material. tried it, didn’t work. i go to bed early, everything must be quiet, even the crickets have to use sign language when it’s bed time. i don’t like to talk in the morning either. hair? yeah i will be traveling with 2 professionals to tame my mini mane. we’re such a great match. lol. seriously, i will look at everything (basically that means my bank account) and try to get there. if not, give our buddy a hug and a big ole kiss on the cheek from me, she will love that, and tell her i’ll see her this summer in central park. west side.
meleah i can see us now, in the hotel taking self-portraits of ourselves and posting them on facebook. hahahha. you’re my camera buddy. awh.
we would have totally gotten lost on the road. seriously.
So it’s settled then! You’re coming to Minnesota!!! Oh YAY I am so excited!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
Okay, I have to go back and see when this is happening. I need to see if I can get some vacation days! 😀
Hey listen, I say GO FOT IT. Not only would this be a perfect opportunity to walk through your fears, but also a great opportunity to get out there and share the wonderful YOU!
You’re intelligent, a talented writer, beautiful, funny, and just an all-around great human being. And as far as ‘there’s the issue of cussing”, I’m the same way. So it wouldn’t bother me in the least!
One of these days, you and I will meet and I know it will be an awesome experience! We’re like two Libras in a pod!
x ya!
I love you too Aunt Lynda.
Im REALLY going to do my best to get there.
Mom said she’ll watch Justin.
Now I just have to save EVERY PENNY so I can afford to go.
And, hopefully, I will finally face some of my fears!
Okay, Val.
I wont push you any more.
I just REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to come too!
And, if you don’t – there will be plenty of time for the two of us to hang
out this summer and play golf at my country club. Hell, I’ve even go bowling
with you again.
xoxoxo
YES!! See! Think of ALL the FUN we will have!
No doubt. No doubt, whatsoever!
HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Ron,
I am DYING to meet you.
I was soooo disappointed when you were unable to meet up this past summer.
Hey, if I get over my fears and get on an airplane, then maybe I’ll have to
REALLY bite the bullet and force myself to travel into NYC.
We could meet at the Plaza!
OK, I know nothing about blogger’s conferences, but after 42 years of marriage, I can take orders. Meleah, you absolutely have to go. It will all work out and you’ll have a great time. I promise.
OK, I know nothing about blogger’s conferences, but after 42 years of marriage, I can take orders. Meleah, you absolutely have to go. It will all work out and you’ll have a great time. I promise.
OK, I know nothing about blogger’s conferences, but after 42 years of marriage, I can take orders. Meleah, you absolutely have to go. It will all work out and you’ll have a great time. I promise.
Thanks, Bud.
I think this will truly be an amazing experience.
I’m hoping this will work out for you. Some generous benefactor will come to your rescue. He will come in many forms. (Donald Trump-for ticket. Jack Daniels-for plane. Gerard Butler-roommate)
Good luck!
I’m sure you’ll be fabulous on all fronts! 🙂
Now you’re speaking my language!
Unfortunately it’s just too far for me to travel, and that’s only one of the many reasons I couldn’t come. I am so sad that you all live so far away. I can’t imagine that I will ever meet any of my blogger friends.
Now, as I have said to others, I want to see lots of video of you people having fun – even the cussing is OK. I’m an adult 😉