day two….

Please READ HERE for day two of not smoking because I HATE to double post.

I am at home with a sick child today. Fever of 102. Trying to stay as busy as possible so I don’t loose my mind.

Okay here we are DAY TWO.

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and here is my DOUBLE POST for thoes of you (eeh hem FAMILY MEMBERS ) who havent / didnt click the link and read :

Let me start with saying thank g-d there are no cigarettes in my car and no butts in an ashtray to relight.

This morning getting “ready” was nearly impossible without smoking.

(Yesterday I didn’t get ready. I wore pajamas, all day, and I slept alot from the nicotine withdrawl and xanax. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as today, mostly because I was unconscious!)

But today, the second I woke up I was dying for a minty cool fresh Newport 100 to accompany my coffee. Somehow, I survived that nightmare by pacing a million times and waiting for the shower to heat up. Then, I washed my hair… violently. I mean I dug in to my scalp like never before. (ouch) I still have a headache from that move. But, I got ready for the first time in 15 years without a cigarette.

My son complained of a headache this morning, but, I shrugged it off thinking he probably just didn’t want to back to school since he had such a long break. Plus, I was really pissy, so I disregarded the complaint, and sent him off to school anyway.

I get in my car, prepared to go to work. OMG… I really needed a cigarette. One of my smoking habits was, as soon as I buckled my seatbelt, I press the cigarette lighter in the dashboard and put a butt in my lips. How was I going to drive without a cigarette?

So, I started lying to myself. Okay, I won’t smoke until I get on the NJTPK. (knowing full well that I don’t even HAVE cigarettes) but, lying seemed to help.

Yes I am wearing the patch, but all that seems to do is cause me to feel like I am overheating and a sick feeling of nausia in the pitt of my stomach.

I get onto the NJTPK and lie to myself some more… I will smoke when I get off at my exit for work.

That seemed to help.

Then, my cell phone rang.

It was my son’s school. As soon as he got to school he went directly to the nurse because he really was sick. Fever 102.

Shit! I am the worst mother ever. Fuck!

The nurse told me the school isn’t allowed to distribute medication like Tylenol or Motrin, and a fever is an immediate dismissal from school. Please come and pick up your son.

I called my office left a voice mail with the manager that I had to turn my car around and go pick up my son from school, because he was sick and I didn’t believe him this morning and I am the worst mother to ever live.

I always PANIC when I have to call out, and I always PANIC when my son is sick.

Had there been any form of cigarette, even a stale old, dried out, smushed, half smoked, butt in a dirty ass ashtray I would have smoked it right then and there.

But alas, I had cleaned out any and all cigarette related objects.

I pick up my son riddled with guilt (making me want to smoke more) and brought him home. I drowned his ass in Motrin and sent him to bed.

I called the Doctors office and made an appointment. While on the phone with the doctor I was chewing on plastic pen caps while checking all my old coat pockets and purses for ONE CIGARETTE. I just wanted ONE CIGARETTE.

Didn’t find one.

Called my office again to let the manager know what was happening and got the voice mail again. So I left another message, just in case, and pray I am not dead when I go in tomorrow.

With my son asleep and me needing to do something other than stare at wall, dwell on the fact that I am missing a day of pay, or searching for long lost hidden cigarettes, I decided to find something to keep me busy.

We all know I am an obsessive compulsive cleaner, so, what would I do until the doctors appointment? Clean! Clean! Clean!

Only this time, cleaning was different. It was like I was removing the smell of smoke once and for all. (yes… I smoked INSIDE MY HOUSE. Shut up!)

I febrezeed the shit out of every fabric (two full bottles of Febreze gone!) I used Nuetra-Air (two full aerosol cans gone!), and a whole box of Carpet Fresh. I stripped all the sheets and washed all the bedding with Tide with and six sheets of Bounce in each dryer load. I lit 85 scented candles and now my house smells like a Bath and Body Works store.

I’m off to the doctors in 15 minuets and PRAY TO GOD I don’t smoke for the rest of the day.

I don’t know if this patch thing is working ?

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PS: I tried to DRAW but I can’t because I am too TWITCHY from not smoking. Tried to READ but I can’t because I can’t concentrate. Tried to watch TV, but I can’t because I can’t concentrate. I can’t talk on the phone because that is a MAJOR TRIGGER for the urge / need to smoke. THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT IS HELPING ME…. BLOG BLOG BLOG….. Why is this sooooo hard? I have brushed my teeth 17 times and it’s only 3pm. I have chewed every single plastic pen cap in the house. Now I am chewing on scotch tape wads, since there is no more GUM either. I don’t want to get in the car and go to the store because 1. JCH is sick and 2. Driving MAKES.ME.WANT.TO.SMOKE! …..

DO I NEED LOLIPOPS? CAN I TAKE THE PATCH AND CHEW NICORETTE GUM AT THE SAME TIME? CAN I MUMIFY MY BODY IN THE PATCH AND WEAR THE WHOLE BOX AT THE SAME TIME?

(At least when I was in REHAB (5 years ago) to get off drugs I had no ACCESS to the outside world or drugs, so psychologically it was easier on me, being locked up for 30 days… even THERE I could smoke. Knowing that I CAN get in my car and I CAN go BUY cigarettes is TOURTURING me.)

I’m not going to feel guilty. I am going to take the advice of my mother (yes, every now and then I do listen to her). I will take that Xanax for the first 5-10 days to stop the anger. What’s with the ANGER? I am so full of fits of RAGE. Is that from the withdrawl? Isn’t the patch supposed to HELP?

I know I said I wasn’t going to double post, but this seems to warrant DOUBLE RANTING.

I sware THESE do not work!

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PPS… Its 1030pm, I am GOING.TO.BED. I made it! A second day!