For those of you who may have missed it on Facebook, I had a rather interesting morning the other day. And since I am totally out of practice as to how to write a real blog post, I will attempt to present the events of my morning numerically. Also, this day will go down in my personal history as “The Worst Morning, EVER.”
Enjoy…..
1. I woke up entirely too early.
2. Rubbed my eyes until I was conscious.
3. And inhaled massive amounts of coffee.
4. Reluctantly, followed “The Parents” to the middle of blue-fuck-nowhere and dropped off my mom at the local horse farm where she volunteers. And totally ignored the fact that we were well outside any type of mapable location.
5. My father followed me to drop off my car at the repair shop. Only to endure a 45 minute ride, riddled with: crazy construction, half built overpasses, and douche bag dump trucks hurling down the road at lightning speeds. Meanwhile, smoke poured from the hood of my car, it smelled like it was burning, and water is leaked from the dashboard onto the passenger floor. Plus, my driver side tire was super low. Therefore, the whole time I drove, I worried that my car was going to explode, or my tire was going to explode. Either way, I would go careening off the half built overpass and die a tragic death.
6. Survived harrowing car ride.
7. Dropped off my car at repair shop.
8. Got into my dad’s car.
9. Drove with him to his office and dropped him off – the very same office where I used to work for seven years. At which point I realized my morning coffee had “kicked in” and I needed to pee. BADLY. However, I hadn’t showered, I’m wasn’t wearing any makeup, and I only had three hours of sleep. I did not want to see any of my former co-workers so going into the building was NOT an option.
10. I hid behind my enormous Jackie O. sunglasses.
11. And, hightailed it out of there.
12. I completely forgot that morning commuters drive like total animals, especially on that whore of a highway, also known as the New Jersey Turnpike. And then I said, “Hello!” To a five-mile back-up and four-car pile-up.
13. And then I cried.
14. And I still really needed to pee.
15. I got lost – WHERE I’VE LIVED ALL MY LIFE – after taking the WRONG exit on the NJTPK.
16. Eventually, I found my way back to somewhat familiar territory.
17. And then I Celebrated.
18. But then I remembered my mother was well outside any type of mapable location. And I had no idea how to find her.
19. And then I freaked out.
20. I heard a strange and unnerving sounds coming from the air-conditioner inside my father’s car.
21. So I shut off the air conditioning.
22. And, opened all of the windows.
23. And I still really, really, really needed to pee.
24. Miraculously, I recalled the directions from earlier that morning, which would hopefully lead me to my mother.
25. But, I missed the left turn.
26. And that’s exactly when I began cursing the day.
27. I banged a K-Turn in the middle of a busy road, regardless of oncoming traffic.
28. And yelled.
29. And prayed for a miracle.
30. Fortunately, a miracle was granted.
31. I arrived alive.
32. And a sweaty mess.
33. And, I still … really, really, really, really, needed to pee.
34. Then I waited impatiently in the parking lot. Mostly because no one told me the exact time I was supposed to pick up my mom. And had I known, I probably could have found the time to locate a respectable restroom to relieve the building bladder pressure.
35. I texted my mom – but there was no reception.
36. I called my mom – but there was no reception.
37. Unexpectedly, a gigantic horse fly [the size of my head] swooped inside the car.
38. I screamed like a terrified little girl.
39. And jumped out of the car.
40. I darted my eyes rapidly, to see if anyone was staring at me. Luckily no one was there.
41. I texted my mom, again – still no reception.
42. I called my mom, again – still no reception.
43. While standing in the parking lot, I believed I would actually pee in my pants.
44. And then I wondered if my kidneys would burst.
45. I ran toward the main office.
46. Located an employee.
47. Asked for my mother.
48. AND a restroom.
49. Finally. A bathroom.
50. I opened the lid.
51. And made a horrifying discovery.
52. Slammed the lid closed.
53. Decided to “sweat it out” rather than use that scary, rusted, disgusting, bowl.
54. Wondered why the hell these people have never heard of LIME-A-WAY®
55. Ran back to the car.
56. Called my mom, again and again – still no reception.
57. Texted my mom, again and again – still no reception.
58. And I still really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, needed to pee.
59. Suddenly, my mom appeared out of NOWHERE, scaring the shit out of me.
60. Along with a little pee.
61. After she got into the car, we hightailed it out of there.
62. I broke every single traffic and driving laws, by speeding, and, using the median as a ways to cut other people off.
63. Thankfully, I made it back home. Just in the knick of time.
64. Then, I destroyed my own bathroom.
65. And collapsed.
* I left my house at 8am. And didn’t return until 1pm.
And that, my friends, is what I call a rough morning.
Please tell me about the worst morning you’ve ever had!
holy rollers!! what a morning!!! i do not know how you held your bladder that long!!! i would never have made it!! but then i would have used that rusty nasty toilet no problem!!!! lol!!!!
Ahahahhahahah!
No way would I have survived, either I would have used the toilet or…. You know what, I am keeping the ‘or’ a secret. What a morning you had, yikes!
Oh, I considered the woods, but not after that horsefly incident.
Okay, you win! Hands down, the worst morning commute ever! I can’t believe you bypassed that lovely toilet, though. At that stage of the game, I’d just have closed my eyes and taken my chances!
Ahahahh!
I couldn’t bring myself to let my cheeks hit THAT seat.
No way.
HOLY SHIT…yes, rough morning indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meleah, I just about DIED looking at the inside of that toilet. OMG….at first I thought someone had poured Hershey’s chocolate syrup inside!
Don’t you hate when you have to pee so bad, and can’t? That happens to me during Christmas in retail when I’m working 10 hours a day and can’t find even one minute to take a break to pee. And then when I finally do go, I pee for like 45 mins!
X
P.S. Aren’t you lovin’ this cooler weather we’re having this weekend? Aaahhhhhhhhhhh
So that’s the horse toilet isn’t it? On second thoughts, I doubt even a horse would want to use that!
I think you can safely say, that was a morning from hell.
LOL @ “I thought someone had poured Hershey’s chocolate syrup inside”
Also, today was perfect.
So perfect, this was my status update on FB:
Dear Universe,
Thank you for the most wonderful day filled with picture perfect weather & laughter & music & photos & blogs & friends & family.
And most of all, for giving me this feeling of inner peace.
Love, M
XOXOX
Right?
I never want to relive that day!
And WHO LEAVES THE TOILET LIKE THIS?
And, WHO TELLS STRANGERS TO USE IT?
* shudder *
“And most of all, for giving me this feeling of inner peace.”
Oh…what a faaaaaaaaabulous status update on FB, girl!
Yes, wasn’t today just the perfect day? I had to work, but even still, it was a wonderful day!
X
Wait, don’t you have one of those Go-Girl thingies? Poor you! I think I would have just hung my ass out of the car and peed in the parking lot!
Ha ha, like what Nicky said… GO GIRL THINGIES!!!! Oh heck, I would pee ANYWHERE if I had to… that toilet woulda been my savior! I’m sorry you had such a crazy day… I HATE days like that. I assume you drank heavily later?!
Most definitely!
AHHAhahHAHahHA!
I love you, Nicky!
I just passed out later!
🙂
X
I’m thinking that maybe, just maybe, Depends aren’t such a bad investment.
And I thought I had rough mornings, yours beats mine hands down! LOL!
Right?!
HA!
I have to pee just reading this. Gotta run to the powder room now.
Damn, that is one scary picture, even for a guy.
You deserve a medal for having to drive the New Jersey Turnpike. I am, frankly surprised that you just didn’t pee on yourself from some jack-hole cutting you off. (scariest highway in America)
I don’t exactly remember my worst morning. Probably the morning the doctor told me to settle my affairs and say my good byes. Turns out he was wrong so in reality it turned out to be a pretty good morning.
I hate to laugh at your pain but this cracked me up! Number 60, especially! And that toilet was beyond frightening, wouldn’t you think they’d be embarrassed about that? And I LOVE the title of this!
LOLZ! Hope it’s clean!
I was HORRIFIED to say the least!
I hate the NJTPK!
And, um…
HOLY SHIT.
Now that is a bad morning.
Thank goodness he was wrong
YAY!!
Thank you Marty!
I’m glad someone is laughing with me!
Dammit, now I need to pee sympathetically. Grrr x
my bladder is sooo shot to hell i’ve peed in worse.. i stopped once in a bad neighborhood to pee in South Holland (Chicago)though and wouldn’t get out of the car..But the next exit had no power and some scary ass Burger king workers.. smelled like bacon and fried fish but i was gonna pee my pants so i peed there..
I’ve made blogs about peeing my pants so i dont care anymore..i do brings changes of clothes on long trip though so even if i had to pee in the toilet there i’d definitely have changed my pants and sterilized afterwards.
🙂
Good thinking!
Now I know you’re a true Jersey woman. I’d have happily peed in that toilet. Hell, I’d have peed behind your father’s office building if I had to go that badly.
Worst morning ever? I’ve never talked about it with anyone & I’m not sharing it here.
Oh Cheryl!
Will you email me your story?
No. 🙂
It’s sad and pathetic and right over-the-edge really & truly crazy and there’s no way to make it funny or even palatable.
On a cheerier note, when I was about 3, I was allowed to walk down to a neighbor’s house all by myself. They lived about 6 doors down. I remember being afraid to ask to use their bathroom and I had to poop really badly. I left to go home to do my 3-year old business but halfway there, I couldn’t hold it any longer. I’d love to have a little video shot from behind showing how I managed to get all the way home with a load in my drawers. Walking with legs wide open with that load swinging from side to side had to be hysterical.
Okay, I won’t push you.
And that story IS hilarious!!!
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Reminds me of the first time I ever took the kids on Metro North. They were so excited to ride a train. My daughter, about 5 then, had to go to the bathroom, so I took her in to the one in the car we were riding. She saw the rusted out bowl and said, “Daddy, I can hold it.”
Good grief – that sounds HORRENDOUS!!! Poor you. All that worry, disaster, near-disaster and a hideous bathroom, too. I’m so glad your kidneys didn’t explode!
Although that would have made a unique blog post, and yes, I’m betting you WOULD have blogged it! LOL!
Good grief – that sounds HORRENDOUS!!! Poor you. All that worry, disaster, near-disaster and a hideous bathroom, too. I’m so glad your kidneys didn’t explode!
Although that would have made a unique blog post, and yes, I’m betting you WOULD have blogged it! LOL!
Sorry. It said there was an internal server error and it couldn’t post. And then it did. Twice!
Good girl!!
But of course!!
It’s all good!
Wow! That is one craptastic morning but may I congratulate your bladder? It really is an under-appreciated organ and yours really did a stand up (and sit down) job on your behalf. And as a side note, I always got lost on the NJ Turn-Pike. I hope collapsed means you just went back to bed to start all over! Super-duper hugs!
XOXO
Traci
That’s exactly what I did when I got home!!
I no longer have rough mornings — especially the kind you describe here. Waking up at 2 am after a bad dream is an event for gawdsake. So glad to not have seen that toilet bowl up close and personal like. Reminds me of what the kinder bathroom floor used to look like in a career long, long ago. : | Glad you survived your day, dear.
I’m not sure I can top your story. But I must say that I would have used that toilet. The last time I had to pee that bad, I was stuck in traffic, on my way to work, and no one was moving. I was desperate which calls for desperate measures. I don’t want to say it here, but I have a post about it if you really wanna know. I am totally impressed with your ability to hold it til you got home! And I sure hope your day got better after that! It surely could only go up from there!
Oh. My. Total. God.
I know I will see that scary toilet bowl in my dreams tonight. Make that nightmares.
*faint*
(Glad your kidneys didn’t burst!)
XOXO
A.