* Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom
Or
* Why Being Totally Self-Conscious, Self Absorbed, Completely Insecure, Which Makes Me Look Like I am Really Superficial, Plus Being Over Worked, Under Paid, Painfully Single, Stressed, Sick And Tired, Is NEVER Super Awesome. Oh, And That Annoying Medical Condition.
Have been the two titles of the SAME damn post that I cannot write because its just all too depressing. And it’s REALLY whiney, REALLY miserable, REALLY boring, and REALLY long.
While writing about all of that for myself (6 drafts and 14 pages) did make me feel better, I don’t know if I can air all of that publicly without spewing my emotions in every direction making this post sound more like
* Blog Vomit
(Yes. Another title.)
I can’t seem to find the words to make the fact that I have a leaky ass amusing. (At least the words “leaky ass” are funny?) I also can’t figure out how to sell “Being Totally Self-Conscious, Self Absorbed, Completely Insecure, Which Makes Me Look Like I am Really Superficial, Plus Being Over Worked, Under Paid, Painfully Single, Stressed, Sick And Tired, And That Annoying Medical Condition” AS Super Awesome.
Anyway.
I could post about how I was already “Totally Self-Conscious, Self Absorbed, Completely Insecure, Which Makes Me Look Like I am Really Superficial” way before I was diagnosed with Crohns disease. And that luckily, I was acclimated with spending a large portion of my time in the bathroom dealing with the unruly state that is my wiry hair. It takes me at least and hour and a half to fight with my own follicles, only to eventually give up and throw it into a ponytail. But I wont get into that.
I could post about how now that I have to take so many medications (18 pills a day) all of which have absurd side effects, from freezing, to depression, to anxiety, to insomnia, to hyperactivity, to exhaustion and the most glorious side effect of all [drum roll] the obscene acne which causes my face to break out into welts. (no matter how “hot” people think my “body” is, when some one is sporting a bad helmet and / or a banged up mug, that pretty much crushes any resemblance to what was once possibly attractiveness.) So now I have to hide behind wearing a mask of spackle that was once my silky pressed powder, and cake on excessive amounts of blistex (due to the dehydration which causes skin cracking) instead of wearing my favorite lip gloss. But I don’t want to get into that either.
I could write about how scary it was taking all those tests, in order to determine weather or not it was Crohns disease. I could tell you about that delicious, thick, white, chalky- glue, beverage they made me drink, that I almost threw up, to make my intestines glow for the xrays. But that’s not funny. At.All.
I could post about how “Being Over Worked, Under Paid, Stressed, Sick And Tired” direct from my job plus the constant worrying so much about the bills only aggravates “That Annoying Medical Condition”. I could tell you the number of times I have been late to work or the number of days I’ve missed due to “That Annoying Medical Condition”, thus sucking up any ‘vacation’ time off from work. Or I could tell you about how upsetting it is to be in the office bathroom and have co-worker walk in on you during an attack. But I am too terrified to do anything about my employment situation [another post entirely] and I will never make enough money. So I wont get in to that.
I could post about how much my disease has affected my family. Like how worried my mother was when my weight plummeted to 103 lbs. How my son would refuse to go to school if I was sick, so that he could stay home and take care of his mommy. Or about all of the days of work my father had to miss driving me around to a million doctors. Or about all of the guilt I feel for being such a burden. But I don’t want to go there.
I could complain for weeks on end, because I can’t eat a hamburger at a barbeque, or a hotdog at a ball game, or ever have beer and pizza on a Friday night. I could cry about having to watch everyone else eat, when my plate usually just looks like this. But, I don’t feel like I have the right to bitch. I mean, jeez, so what if I can’t eat a bunch of food that is probably bad for me anyway. Right? I know that there are people out here with Cancer and AIDS or a slew of other medical conditions that are far worse than Crohns disease will ever be. Who am I to grumble about stomachaches?
I could bring up all of the embarrassing moments this illness causes me on a daily basis, and wonder why “Pocket Fabreeze For Crohns Disease” hasn’t been invented yet.
I could inform my readers (and anyone else out here that is ever in dire need of a rest room facility) That HESS gas stations deserve the highest compliment on the immaculate conditions they maintain for public use. On the other hand I don’t know who this Joyce Kilmer person is, or why there are so many streets and rest stops named after her/him, but that bitch needs to clean up the NJTPK location at exit 8A and right quick.
I could post funny pictures of what it is like when I do work from home during an attack. Because “Ya’ll Will Never Know How Much Time I Spend In The Bathroom”, But I already did that.
So, I will post the back story that prompted the two titles and unpublished posts that are now sitting in my word documents:
Last week, I didn’t even know how much all these issues: Being Totally Self-Conscious, Self Absorbed, Completely Insecure, Which Makes Me Look Like I am Really Superficial, Plus Being Over Worked, Under Paid, Painfully Single, Stressed, Sick And Tired, Is NEVER Super Awesome. Oh, And That Annoying Medical Condition, were bothering me until after I posted this. I was simply making light of the fact I have a medical condition that makes me feel extra icky at times. Making jokes about my health is the way I deal with this particular subject.
After reading my post, Dawn over on Twisted Sister wrote this.
I saw some of it, but after only reading the part about me, I went off half cocked and published my ‘feel sorry for myself’ comment. I immediately wanted to delete it. The Totally Self-Conscious, Self Absorbed, Completely Insecure, Which Makes Me Look Like I am Really Superficial, Painfully Single Meleah came out in full force. I had typed and published my comment without thinking about anything or anyone else at that moment. I didn’t even recognize how beautiful Dawn’s post was about her niece Tanya. I didn’t even realize she was making the point that there are men in this world that will truly love a woman no matter what the circumstances surrounding the woman may be. That post (after reading its entirety) should have lifted my spirits, or given hope to the “Painfully Single” that I too may someday find that guy my own personal ‘Chad’ while on my quest to re-enter the ever-so dreaded dating land. But instead of being inspired, I fell into some funky downward spiral that moved with a speed I didn’t know how to stop.
I did learn a valuable lesson.
[Note to self, don’t leave comments on other people’s blogs: A) when you have PMS. B) when you have baggage that you don’t even know about.]
But instead of writing about all of that, I will leave you with a VIDEO. However MY Gastrointestinal doctors office is not quite like this.
Oh darling girl,
I DO know how you feel. A little anyway…my friend sharing the same affliction and all.
I think you are adorable, leaky ass or not.
xoxoxoxo and one for your bottom x
You know, I read every single word here and I would like to comment in detail about how you’re so beautiful and need to recognize your inner strength and when to reach for it…
but all I can think is “leaky ass”. heehee 🙂
MINX: I just love you. Thank you!
JASON: Yep. That line was written with you in mind!
The ass may be leaky, but it is also adorable. Miss you Melz.
I miss you too Leslie. A lot.
Meleah that was simply awesome. And don’t you think we’re all entitled to a little “blog vomit” here and there? We are all aware that you are not prone to pity parties so you have a right spew now and then. And even during your spewing and despite the pain and aggravation of your condition…. you still kept your sense of humor and had us all laughing at your leaky ass. 😉
THAT my girl was the best pity party post i have ever read! You took a serious problem and managed to spin a post that was FAR FROM WHINY AND BORING and most of all kept your readers entertained. 🙂
DAWN: Thank G-d! This post took awhile to construct, its hard to make this topic funny. I am SO happy it came across the way I’d hoped! Wheee!
I just want to say this is your space and you’re entitled to fill it with what ever you like, we’re all just enjoying the ride. And…wait, you’ve got a little…*taking off a bit of blog vomit from your shirt*….what was I saying? Oh yeah, and you weren’t complaining because you found the humor in your situation–for your sake and ours–which in the Blogging Etiquette Book, is the only time complaining is allowed….But really, if you can’t let it all out here, than where?
-I am so going to patent the “Pocket Fabreeze For Crohn’s Disease†LOL!!
I think you need to watch Elvis again…maybe as you’re dancing your way to the bathroom?
I am impressed how a post with no title, not wanting to explain personal things in great detail or wanting to be long and drawn out actually made me chuckle and take a second to think about things.
As always, a great post from a beautiful person inside and out!
DAZD: Thank you very much!
SG: I loved that Elvis video! *Blog Vomit* and *Pocket Fabreeze For Crohn’s Disease* crack me up… I am glad they made you laugh too. The first draft of this post was soooo damned depressing. I am glad I was able to make light of it all, in the end thats what makes me feel better anyway. Even if I do have a leaky ass.
What a wonderful post Meleah! You are so creative, making a blog without title so fun to read 🙂 and I love the look on your face in the sitting-in-the-toilet pic!
I still can’t imagine “blog vomit” though hehehe 🙂
RMH: Why thank you! This one took a little work to write! (Oh please that picture of me on the head was taken by my best friend. I mean who else would hang out with me in the loo for 5 hours!) And Blog Vomit basically looks like … “blah blah blah poor me poor me, blah blah, poor me, blah blah, poor me…”
Ok, you don’t want anyone feeling sorry for you and all that. Fair enough. So I won’t. But I will say that you’re ability to joke about all of this is indication of what a wonderful person you are. You’re optimistic and joyful by nature and you willl live a longer healthier life because of that. Stop laughing! No… actually, KEEP laughing! Laughter is good. Happy weekend! Hugs.
ok darlink. I had leaky butt syndrome too. I was lucky to work at home. Conference calls on the john – woohoo! So here’s what I did that fixed it…dunno if this applies but WTF…I had an overgrowth of yeast in my body. I wasn’t getting any nutrients from my food. Stuff went in, out it came. So I stopped eating anything that “fed the yeast”, like sugar and bread and anything that contains gluten. I pigged out on protein. I also took digestive enzymes with every meal. You have to get good ones…ones that combine ALL the enzymes…lipaze, protease, blabbity blab and blah. (Can’t remember ’em all). Things firmed up pretty quick-like. You don’t have to do it forever, just until your body starts making its own enzymes again and the yeast gets smacked down.
Now…about all the other stuff…we girls sure do give ourselves an inordinately hard time. We think we need to be perfect. I looked at your pics from your hilarious traffic morning and you are freaking beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. And wear your zits proudly. Talk about them. Make them a part of the conversation. Invite them to join you while blogging. Then dab pure wintergreen oil on them and they will dry up in one day. I worked in the cosmetics industry. I know of what I schpeak.
The end.
Did I write this? LOL …
Came over from Annie’s place. I too have Crohns. Had it for about 12 years now. Fun isn’t it?
You ever want someone to talk to, ask questions, or just plain bitch, don’t hesitate.
Meleah, You ARE beautiful. I feel for you with the Crohns Disease. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable, inconvenient, etc… it must be. I promise you, though, there ARE guys out there who would realize in an instant how terrific you are, and would NOT be phased by your medical condition.
Look at all of this positive feedback. Most of these people have never met you, yet can sense how special you are through your writing. Your essence shines through. Feel free to vent whenever or as much as you’d like. We’ll all be here to remind you of how lovable you are – no matter what!!
DAN: I have to laugh, or I’d curl up in fetal positon and die! Making fun of my situation is the best medicine. 🙂
J.: I am emailing,commenting, and stalking you!!! Yeay ! Some one who KNOWS!!!
HOLLYGL: you made me cry…but, in a good way. I hope (if I ever find a man) that he sees me the way you see me. I should be so lucky. I am so thankful to have you in my life. 🙂
Oh LISA: I will try / take anything!!! Thanks for the vote of confidence, and suggestions! PS: YOU have one kick ass blog!!
It’s your blog and you are entitled to vent your frustrations if you want to and not feel ashamed of it. Now I have done this too and have regretted it but ultimately I was glad for getting all the stuff off my chest. This seems like a very rough thing to deal with and of course it’s going to get under the skin. I can’t imagine dealing with such a condition yet you do it every day AND manage the NJ Turnpike! This is the mark of a strong woman.
You must believe in yourself more and see that this disease is not the sum of all of your parts. You are beautiful, funny, witty, insightful and there are many men who would accept you just the way you are and be thankful for having someone like you in their life. I know that sounds like lip service but it’s true.
As for the drugs and side effects, I intend to do a little something about that too on my blog for my anxiety. These cures are worse than the disease. It’s a scam I tell you!!!
But don’t be so hard on yourself all the time. Rise from the flames like the phoenix 🙂
I have severe IBS & my leaky ass leaks what I politely call “brown water”.
I can be on the toilet for hours at a time with those tummy cramps too that feel like a donkey has just kicked you in the ribs.
Whenever it gets especially bad my 4 yr old goes into “look after mommy” mode & doesn’t want to leave my side he just wants to make me better.
He’d rub my tummy for hours if I let him & it breaks my heart. I expect you feel the same way. He actually told me the other day he was going to ask god to give my baddie tummy to him instead of me. It breaks my heart that he has to know about this at his age.
Do you carry a clean pair of trousers & knickers everywhere with you like I do?
Writing out the pain is all about working through it and identifying with others who have similar experiences. Group therapy, maybe? I have the same insecurities in my looks and the changes occurring as I get older. It’s part of the game, we won’t just laugh at it and live with it, we will celebrate it because we continue to have lives worth living.
You are so beautiful, I hope you can feel it.
Leaky ass or not, I really think you’re one great gal. I’m seriously happy to have met you in this big, wide blogosphere. Also, I LOVE your hair.
You COULD write about all of those things… oh wait, you just did. Well written.
AMANDA: OH My God…. YES. I DO. and baby wipes. I am sending you an EMAIL.
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RICARDO: I can always count on you to make me feel better. 🙂
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LIS: This hair is out of control! (but thank you) I am super glad to have met someone as AWESOME as you too.
——
WOLFGANG: Thank you. This one took a few days to work itself out.
—-
MICKI: Thank you… Ive done groups and therapy TO DEATH. I just need a few days for the “clouds to pass”… you know how THAT is.
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WOW!
Wow! I just met someone who actually takes more pills than I do (granted, only by just a couple). I sometimes wonder when I will start glowing in the dark because of all my meds!!!!
I have seen several of these kind of comment pages. How do you do that? I only have the Blogger default kind.
I admire you for blogging about your medical condition and how you feel about it. My mom has colitis and when she has to make a run for the bathroom, just get out of the way and turn on the bathroom fan.
I live with a disease, not like yours, but it’s just as frustrating. I feel like you do-self-conscious, almost superficial. I don’t like it, but I compare it to other diseases like cancer and AIDS and think that at least it’s better than that.
I feel for you.
Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Glad I made you feel better and I’m just tellin’ it like it is.
SHARI: Thanks for the kind words!
RICARDO: You are the best.
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