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Clearly, I Have Nothing To Wear

I have mentioned before that if it was socially acceptable to live in pajamas in all circumstances, in all places, I would. I have also mentioned that I don’t feel comfortable in “girly” attire. It’s one thing to rock some great jeans and a fantastic top, but an entirely different thing to sport a skirt and pantyhose. I am just not that girl. I will do almost anything to avoid circumstances that require the aforementioned clothing.

I may have also mentioned that I am not what you would call an aspiring business woman. Nor do I like to embark upon real business meetings, with real company people, who are adults that know how to act properly, when I am always just a few inches away from being the proverbial foot in mouth.

However, I have a very important company meeting to attend today, and my usual waiter-esque-uniform that I normally wear to the office just doesn’t bode well for the country club and winery I will be gracing with my presence with.

Knowing that I will be in a typical panic over what to wear coupled with my bloated, swollen, PMS (all the rage in my hormones), I decided it would be wise to prepare my attire for the said event, last night ‘pre-picking’ my outfit.

As, I stood in the doorway of my closet, looking at all of the things I hate; I took my time staring long and hard at all of my options. First, I tried on a lovely spring pale grey suit. Not a suit with a skirt. It’s feminine enough without being a skirt, and hey now! bonus! The grey suit would not require that I shave any part of my body. (That’s one of the benefits of not dating, and being alone, not having to shave, ever. Unless ya know, it gets gross.)

Then I found a few tops that I could get away with wearing under the jacket. Fine. But, after trying the whole outfit on, to make sure that this will work for the day’s event, I noticed water stains? Around the ankles of my pants.

The last time I had worn that suit was back in the middle of winter to some crazy benefit, or birthday party, with my best friend, at the Patriots Theatre. The snow, the salt, the climbing in and out of cars and buildings must have caused stains on the pants that I am sure could have been removed by any dry cleaner. But I didn’t have that kind of time.

Instead I tried rinsing the bottom of the pants in cold water in my bathroom sink and tossing them into the dryer. (word to the unwise…(such as myself) when light grey dry clean only pants get wet then placed in a dryer, it only made the stains bigger and worse.)

*sigh*

Well, maybe people wont notice? Why will people be looking at my feet anyway? I have two huge distractions way up here on my chest. No one will see my ankles right?

Then I noticed the hem on one leg, (on the very same water, salt, snow stained pants) had come undone.

Here’s a big surprise; I don’t sew. I don’t even own the necessary equipment to sew with. (christ, I just learned how to iron a few months ago.) But, I think? I can get around that issue too right? A few safety pins and some scotch tape, and my pants were fake all better.

Then came the shoes, which presented with an even more taxing problem. The scuffed, faded, old ass, five inch, black, Mary Jane heels that were once fantastic, are now just an eyesore. Oh, but I can fix that too right? With no shoe polish or anything of the like, I took a fat black sharpie permanent magic marker and colored in the scuffed parts. But when the colored ink dried, the shoe was noticeably different tones of black. And the colored in part was much shinier. So, I colored in the whole shoe with the ever so magic marker; that would just have to do the job.

An hour later, I stood in front of my full-length mirror judging myself angrily. I realized just how ridiculous it was for me to be attempting to wear scotch taped, safety pinned, water, salt, snow stained pants with shoes that would probably melt as soon as they hit the morning rain. And more than likely the ink would run into the bottom of the pants creating more stains, stains that cannot be removed by a drycleaner.  For just a second, I considered the unthinkable, the mall.

But then I considered my bank account and stayed home.

Back in my closet with limited choices, that would accommodate both a professional appearance and the comfortablility I require, I undertook the game I like to call, “lets-try-everything-in-my-closet-on-my-body” challenge.

Oh the fun, in flinging things onto the closet floor, strewn across my bedroom, and stomped on, after being annoyed with them. The rest of my suits (all of which are pants) are winter suits, very winterish.

Even when I tried on tops in the colors pink, yellow, purple to spring / summer up the look, I still only had boots for shoes to match those suits. I’m sorry, but even I know you can’t wear boots during the month of June.

Unless it is snowing.

As an added pleasure for my son, not only did he witness my hysteria but was called upon in-between each and every outfit change to help me decide what is, and what is not acceptable for a corporate setting. He rejected any and all outfits that were questionable or whore-iffic. (Nice job buddy!) 16 tops, bottoms, pants, shirts, shoes and I still had nothing to wear.

The only possible and remotely decent outfit consists of a skirt. A skirt, which means I do have to shave my legs. And there goes the idea of being comfortable at all. Great.

While you guys are reading this, I am spending the day wishing I was someone else, wearing something else, doing something else, driving far away to some place I never heard of, to a city I never heard of, for some big time insurance to-do, where I have no professional aspirations. Right. Now I just have to remember to smile, keep my mouth shut, and which fork to use before gorging myself on a free continental breakfast.

On the plus side, I have super smooth legs right now and I was forced to polish my toes that will be seen in public. They look pretty.

Here I am looking like I am about to celebrate Easter and you don’t want to miss the photo that includes my pasty white legs, or the broken window treatments in the background of my kitchen. It’s the only room in my house with any decent lighting)

Now I have to deal with my make up and my hair… but that is another post in itself.

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  • Not knowing allot about fashion, I’d say that outfit does you justice.

  • You just described at least two of my workday mornings per week…

  • Meleah

    Holly: it is so hard hard to “get ready” !!!

    Dazd: Thank you! I needed the ego boost as I feel so uncomfortable in these clothes.

  • With no shoe polish or anything of the like, I took a fat black sharpie permanent magic marker and colored in the scuffed parts. But when the colored ink dried, the shoe was noticeably different tones of black. And the colored in part was much shinier. So, I colored in the whole shoe with the ever so magic marker; that would just have to do the job.

    I love this part.

    Clothes don’t make the person, the person makes the clothes. Look at your pictures; you have a great self-awareness about yourself that you could probably wear anything.

    Think about places you don’t want to be as writing research. Soak up the environment and save it for later.

  • As an added pleasure for my son, not only did he witness my hysteria but was called upon in-between each and every outfit change to help me decide what is, and what is not acceptable for a corporate setting. He rejected any and all outfits that were questionable or whore-iffic. (Nice job buddy!)

    i had to hit on the hysteria part,,, since i just learned what it was and how to get rid of it!!!!!!!!!!

    see my post today if you dont know what i am talking about……..

  • Ha, ha, ha!

    Well I must say that you had me laughing through this entire piece. From the twinkle toes to the Easter outfit to shaving to the 2 “distractions.”

    You have now explained to me what women mean when they say they have nothing to wear. I always thought it was an excuse to go buy more stuff but now I know better. You’ve taught me something today.

    Good luck on the trip. I hate corporate stuff and am glad to be out of it. My last job was like that and it was evil. THEY were evil.

    PS – The outfit is very “Easter.” Even though I would never have know what that meant until today. LOL!

  • Oh and you do look lovely even if it’s “easter-ish.” I second what Dazd said. Go into that meeting with your head held high.

  • Hi meleah,

    I don’t know all that much about getting dressed up because I am more of a T-shirt and jeans man myself, but I do enjoy reading your blog. I just got a very nice guest blogger post by Lela Davidson published and it looks great !
    Come check it out and let me know what you think.

    http://writer4web.blogspot.com/2007/06/profile-of-writer-lela-davidson.html

    I miss hearing from you, and want you to stay in touch.

    writer4web

  • Meleah

    Ricardo: dood, having NOTHING TO WEAR is a very real issue! I’m glad I was able to teach you!

    writer4web: I will stay in touch! I will swing by your blog today!

    Paisley: OMG, now I see the cure for my hysteria!! (you always have the most interesting topics on your site)

    Greg: you are the best! just the best! I took your advice!

  • I can’t really comment on the difficulty of wardrobe selection for work anymore, since my most recent discussion about work wardrobe was with honey, who said : could you wear real pants today? I’ve forgotte waht you look like in anything but sweats or shorts. Heh.

    I do remember keeping my office attire to a dark purple, chracoal grey, black color scheme to make my life easier in office land, though.

    Melz, you look fabulous. I hope the writer service I sent your way got back to you so you can start earning that second income from home and work toward having those PJs on all the time 😉

    Love, Leslie

  • Meleah

    Leslie, I love you more than EVER, and because of you … ONE DAY, I will never have to go thru this bullshit again!

  • Meleah, are you responding to my post or the other night?

  • I totally relate and yah, other girl Holly who goes through this 2 times a week, that’s me at least 4. I’m happy to be working for an establishment that allows me to wear open toe shoes! But girl, I’m gonna need you to feel yourself a little more, cause you are HOT, and look great in ya Easter outfit in June! 🙂 And it’s not so Easter! I bet you have a ton of stuff (16 tops) you just need to learn how to put it together. You have the gift of personality and gab to convince anyone, whatever you are wearing is the “in style” thing! Shine like the author you are! And when you do find yourself in the position to sit in PJ’s…..make em sexy! you are gaaawwwjus girl!

  • My God, this is so so damned funny–broken blinds and all. You made my day.

  • Too damn funny. Love the broken blinds. I felt so at home.

  • Jeremy

    Like it or not, you totally rock that outfit! 🙂

  • Meleah

    THANKS DOOD.

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  • Oh Meleah, you turned out looking great but I was right there with you tossing and stomping on clothes…as a matter of fact I was there just 2 nights ago at 2:30am when I realized it’s been years since I’ve been in a night club…and I needed to find something to wear to photographing a charity benefit in a shi-shi night club (last night).

    Clothes were flying and in the end I wore all black after I realized…I need some new clothes for my new “single & 32” lifestyle!

  • Meleah

    Rinadli:
    wow. I wouldn’t have anything to wear either. I haven’t been in a night club for at least 4 years.

    we need to go shopping…and go out. we are both single and 32 (okay so I am 33) but you get it!

    xxoo

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  • Anonymous

    Retirement is heaven, as is working at home.  Put on jeans, T-shirt, slippers, stagger to office, post for the day or work.  OK, once in a while, I have to clean up to take Muri to lunch or for a midweek date.  No big deals.  Once in while, when I get a job where I have to attend meetings, I use my official blue blazer, gray slacks, light blue shirt and red tie.  Still, no big deals.

  • Sometimes I wish I was a man!
    Dressing seems so much easier for y’all!

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