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Welcome to Grey Gardens



Well, people.

It’s official.

I’m old.

I am old as fuck.

But I am not talking in terms of age.

I’m talking in terms of bodily functions.

I am just plain old.


Well …


It’s not just because I collect social security due to my failing health issues. And it’s not just because I receive Medicare, like people who are 70 years old, and bitch about the astronomical cost of my prescriptions.

It’s not just because I live like a retired person on a golf course. It’s not just because sometimes I might require In Home health care. And it’s not just because my knees tell me when it’s going to rain or snow.

It’s not just because I pee in my pants when I laugh or when I sneeze. It’s not just because my bowels are highly explosive and quite unpredictable, which has caused me to lose 16 pounds in the past three weeks, and I can no longer properly digest dairy products, or drink coffee. And, it’s not just because all I have to talk about are my crazy health issues and/or fecal matter; including but not limited to, shitting into a bucket, first thing in the morning.

It’s not just because I listen to the television on the highest volume, constantly ask people to repeat themselves, and shout most of my responses – because I’m practically deaf. It’s not just because I have night blindness and no sense of direction while driving. And it’s not just because I have to wear contact lenses and reading glasses.

It’s not just because I cannot remember a god damned thing unless I write it down immediately, or forget why I walked into a room, or ever seem to find my keys. And it’s not just because I have crows feet around my eyes, wrinkles on my forehead, laugh lines around my mouth, and stray nipple hair that suddenly appear out of nowhere.

And it’s definitely not just because I take more medications and spend more time in doctor offices and hospitals, wearing paper gowns, than most people who are 90, so wearing pajamas is actually like being dressed up.


It’s because in addition to my grey chin hair and in addition to my grey pubes?

I’ve also discovered my very first grey EYELASHES.

This is it for me, y’all.

My glory days are over.

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  • You have ear hair too? I knew I was forgetting something! Damn my memory!

    I wonder why that happens to the human body as we age?

  • Ah, yes. The famous stray wild grey eyebrows. So annoying. Good thing for Kim!

  • So far it’s only one hair that Mo has to get out for me, but give it time! Don’t even mention my nose hair! It’s like I have bushes growing out of my nostrils. I think it’s my continental blood.

  • Babs, this is so funny to me. I also have crazy nose hairs. I use one of those tiny buzzers every Sunday to get rid of them, and I wax my whole face, including the mustache and sideburns!

  • Ha ha! Werewolves unite!

  • Well… ok. I guess you may have a lot of stuff going on that makes you old. But you LOOK fabulous. And isn’t that what’s really important? 😉


  • Don’t worry, I’ve got you beat, Meleah, a few months ago I discovered grey nose hair! And don’t sweat the grey eyelashes, I think that’s pretty cool and you don’t look old at all. You’re aging like fine wine!

  • “grey nose hair?”



  • Awwwww….

    Thank you for making me smile!


  • Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo

    I wear mascara AT ALL TIMES. I will never ever know the true colour of them.

  • HA!!!

    Wait… even to sleep?

  • Man, I didn’t know I had to worry about eyelashes turning grey. I suppose this means eyebrows are not exempt.

  • Jen

    That’s the first I’ve heard about eyelashes. Ugh! I’m not looking forward to that. The wrinkles and non-existent metabolism are bad enough.

  • It was a COMPLETE shock to see three grey eyelashes on my bottom left lid. I hope it never happens to you!

  • I had no idea either. But apparently any hairs can turn grey!!

  • OMG you can’t drink coffee!? How is that part not worse than the gray pubs?

  • Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to drink coffee since December 19th to be exact! Ever since my Crohn’s flair up – I am on a VERY limited diet – because nearly everything sends me racing back to the bathroom.

  • Middle State

    No! Say it isn’t so about the gray hair. Eyelashes? I’ve only just found a few gray hairs around the hairline and they have me in a tailspin of despair. For me it’s the loss of my 20/20 vision that has me feeling like an old geezer. Oh, that and the LARGE PRINT book the library sent me for my book club book of the month. WTH?! I guess we all should take a page from your book and laugh about it.

  • If I had all the stressful crap going on that you do, every hair on my body would be gray. The fact that you still have that gorgeous head of beautiful, thick, sexy dark hair is a testament to your strong spirit, my funny, lovely friend.

  • But regardless of color, you still have hair.

  • True!

  • Awwwwwwwwwww! I love you!

  • It’s way better to laugh about it. That’s for sure!

  • Oh yeah. One more thing…

    And it’s not just because my medications have killed my labido, so much so, that I would rather spend my limited energy on the INTERENT instead having INTERCOURSE.


  • Paulette Smith

    I am NOT the Queen nor even the court Jester of TMI, but I must say you’ve pretty much nailed everything I have except Crohn’s disease (which my mother has). Instead I have to walk with a cane or walker and can’t sit, lay, stand or walk for too long. Still, I’ve got a warped sense of humor, a deep appreciation for waking up this morning and having one more day to give you my best advice… Wear Groucho Marx glasses. Nobody notices grey anything or odd hair locations… At least that’s been my experience. Now if I ever have to give up reading your blog, I guess THEN I can call it a day. Till then, don’t worry about not being able to go out right now. It would only freeze your snot. (See? There’s always a bright side!)

  • now that IS a bright side!

  • ladyV

    get rid of the meds, get rid of the meds. nooooooooooooooooo. you’re way too young. noooooooooooooo

  • Sadly, I really need my meds. I can’t stop taking them, otherwise I’d be even sicker!

  • ladyV

    Of course. Just kidding you. 🙂


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