I am old as fuck.
But I am not talking in terms of age.
I’m talking in terms of bodily functions.
I am just plain old.
It’s not just because I collect social security due to my failing health issues. And it’s not just because I receive Medicare, like people who are 70 years old, and bitch about the astronomical cost of my prescriptions.
It’s not just because I live like a retired person on a golf course. It’s not just because sometimes I might require In Home health care. And it’s not just because my knees tell me when it’s going to rain or snow.
It’s not just because I pee in my pants when I laugh or when I sneeze. It’s not just because my bowels are highly explosive and quite unpredictable, which has caused me to lose 16 pounds in the past three weeks, and I can no longer properly digest dairy products, or drink coffee. And, it’s not just because all I have to talk about are my crazy health issues and/or fecal matter; including but not limited to, shitting into a bucket, first thing in the morning.
It’s not just because I listen to the television on the highest volume, constantly ask people to repeat themselves, and shout most of my responses – because I’m practically deaf. It’s not just because I have night blindness and no sense of direction while driving. And it’s not just because I have to wear contact lenses and reading glasses.
It’s not just because I cannot remember a god damned thing unless I write it down immediately, or forget why I walked into a room, or ever seem to find my keys. And it’s not just because I have crows feet around my eyes, wrinkles on my forehead, laugh lines around my mouth, and stray nipple hair that suddenly appear out of nowhere.
And it’s definitely not just because I take more medications and spend more time in doctor offices and hospitals, wearing paper gowns, than most people who are 90, so wearing pajamas is actually like being dressed up.
It’s because in addition to my grey chin hair and in addition to my grey pubes?
I’ve also discovered my very first grey EYELASHES.
This is it for me, y’all.
My glory days are over.
If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds