[*I’ve done my very best to shorten this post by inserting links that will further explain and illustrate a specific sentence and/or phrase. Yanno, if you are interested in reading more on that particular subject. Everything that is highlighted and/or italicized in this blog post are links to more relevant information about me and photos of me that pertain to my medical conditions*]
Okay boys and girls. You’re probably going to want to grab yourselves a sandwich, and possibly an alcoholic beverage, because I have a lot to say. Or, you could just move along to another blog. Because if you are looking for funny? You are not going to find any here.
At least, not today.
For those of you who have been reading this blog for a long time, you are quite familiar with my medical issues. However, some of you fine people are new readers of this blog. And, since I want everyone to fully understand what I am talking about, we have to take a trip down memory lane and delve into some ancient history.
Onward.
It’s not very often I write about my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ any more. For one thing, it’s too depressing, and I still haven’t mastered a way to make my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ truly funny. Unless you find this amusing.
Anyway, I think I do a pretty decent job of acting like I am not sick at all. At least on the internet. Yes?
As some of you know, I had a full-fledged justifiable total nervous breakdown back in November of 2008. But I am not really sure if I ever told you about the specifics surrounding my justifiable total nervous breakdown?
I suppose things changed drastically in my life back in 2006 because that is when I first started to get sick.
Really, Sick.
[All. The. Time.]
And, no one could figure out what was wrong with me.
From 2006 -2007 I was forever dressed in a paper gown and I went on countless doctors visits, including several specialists. I spent an entire year living on Tums, Gas-X, Maaloxx and Benadryl and my weight dropped to under 90 pounds. I had to undergo a series of highly embarrassing yet necessary tests. All the while writhing in pain on my cold tiled bathroom floors and trying to ‘Work From Home‘.
Living and feeling like that caused me to miss a lot of work as a direct result of my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ that no one could figure out. And that became problematic.
You see, I used to be gainfully employed. I worked in Commercial Insurance industry in the Marketing Department for six years. And quite frankly, I was fucking fabulous at my job. I handled these kinds of tasks like a rock star singing center stage, or an NBA baller at the top of his game. And I used to have a fabulous condominium that was all mine. And I loved that house. I loved that place more than anywhere else I had ever lived since I was 13 years old. And everything was seemingly alright in my world.
That is, until I fell ill.
Once my doctors finally figured out that I was suffering from Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, A Hiatal Hernia, and I had two Ulcers, things only got worse. They put me on all kinds of different medications that had all kinds of crazy side effects that also made me sick.
While in the midst of drowning in the abyss, I wrote a post about my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ in an effort to find some peace for myself. But, that didn’t stop me from getting sicker.
When I was not trapped in the bathroom for hours at a time conjuring up ways to market ‘Pocket Fabreeze For Crohn’s Disease’, I was searching for any kind food to eat that would not cause a Fatal Reaction.
In addition to Crohn’s Disease, Celiac’s Disease, A Hiatal Hernia, and Two Ulcers, I also have SEVERE Food Allergies. The kind of Food Allergies that may actually kill me. And no, I am not being melodramatic. [At least not now.]
If I eat the wrong food, I can [and will] go into Anaphylactic Shock and die. My most recent tests showed that I am allergic to everything on this list.
It has taken me years to come to terms with the fact that my ‘Quality Of Life’ has been hijacked by all of these ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ but, I’m still not completely OKAY with it. Some days are good days and I can easily cope with the fact that I cannot enjoy or eat the same food as most of you can. But some days, are bad days wherein I am filled with anger and resentment.
Wait. Where was I?
Oh yeah, I had a fabulous job and a fabulous condo. And then I got sick. A Lot.
Now, being sick all the time, is not exactly ‘A Quality’ employers are looking for. And, employers only give a certain amount of paid time off. Needless to say, my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ created an issue for me. I had to call out of work – all the time, for several reasons.
1. I was suffering from a Crohn’s Attack:
Which meant I needed to be within close proximity to a bathroom – at all times [for many hours in a row.] And I need to be near a bathroom that provides certain luxuries such as: Baby Wipes, Tucks Medicated Pads, Fabreeze Air Freshener, Vaseline, and of course, Privacy. Because there is nothing MORE embarrassing then having to use a Public Restroom while in the midst of a Crohn’s Attack. I would never want to subject an unsuspecting person [or former fellow co-worker] to that kind of situation.
2. I was suffering from an Allergic Reaction:
And that means: I break out into hives all over my stomach and back. My eyes swell shut, my lips blow up like a bad collagen job, and, my nasal passages close. I can only breathe through my mouth, which becomes extremely itchy, and, I turn a bright shade red. My ears catch on fire and my tongue fills up my entire mouth. My hands inflate to the point where it looks like I am wearing baseball gloves. It feels like a million hot itchy needles stabbing every inch of my flesh. I want to rip off my skin. The only way to stop those symptoms? I have to ingest the same amount of Benadryl as a drug mule ingests heroin balloons. And then I would have to inject myself in my upper thigh with the dreaded Epi-Pen. And if you combine an Epi-Pen with Benadryl you will have the same Metabolic Response to a person who had been smothered with Chloroform by a serial killer while trying to abduct their prey.
Oh, and I always fall victim to Allergic Reactions because my list is ever so extensive. And, when you are allergic to things like CORN [if you’ve ever read a label on a package you will know that corn, and all products derived of corn, (like corn syrup and corn starch) are IN almost 99% of what we as humans digest] you too, would find yourself having endless Allergic Reactions.
———-
Because my Food Allergies and Crohn’s Disease have damaged my immune system [to the point where I am required to get weekly vitamin shots] if I wasn’t sick from those ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’, I was sick with other illnesses: Strep, Bronchitis, Pneumonia, Mononucleosis. And once, I even had The German Measles.
Obviously because I was calling out of work all the time, because I was always sick, I quickly used up all of my paid days. Thus, I fell behind in paying my bills. Far behind. The ratio of calling out, verses paid sick days, outweighed each other. Inevitably, I accumulated a large amount of debit, in a little amount of time.
My team of doctors determined the STRESS of having to call out of work, function as a single mother, falling behind in my bills, and failing at my job, only aggravated my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions.’
I was stuck on a never-ending cycle. A cycle that went like this:
I would get sick. I would have to call out of work. I would stress about missing work and falling behind on bills. That irritated my condition. I would get sicker. I would have to call out of work. I would stress about missing work and falling behind on bills. I couldn’t even do any fun things in my regular life. I would get sick. I would have to call out of work. I would stress about missing work and falling behind on bills. That irritated my condition. I would get sicker.
And round and round I went.
[Seriously. When I look back on the archives of this blog, I honestly don’t know how I kept that going for as long as I did. I remember spending endless days shrouded in crippling guilt just knowing my family, my friends, and even my employers, could simply not count on me to be reliable. I used to be the girl that could do anything. And I took a great deal of pride in the fact that I had been so successfully independent since the tender age of 18 years old. But that was all about to come to a painful end.]
Anyway, after months of trying to get through that, the only logical solution was to GIVE UP my precious condo. And move back home. with ‘The Parents’. Whom I had NOT lived with, since I was thirteen years old.
Now that was a decision: I REALLY WRESTLED WITH.
But in January of 2008, I had no other choice. Thus I was forced to surrender my independence I so dearly treasured. Of course now I realize that moving back home with The Parents was [and still is] the best thing for both my son and I.
But…I still kept getting sick.
Eventually, since my employers could no longer count on me to be efficient, rather than let me go, they demoted me.
And that made me feel like the outsider all over again.
And then they demoted me again.
And then I snapped.
I was losing control over everything that was happening in my life and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it. I grew intensely angry to the point of no return. I was incredibly livid over the fact that my ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’ left me completely POWERLESS over what was happening to my body physically and there was nothing I could do to FIX the situation nor was I in a position change the direction my life was headed.
I felt as if everything I had worked for was all for nothing. I was back home with my parents, and I was back in the very same job position I had six years prior to falling ill. And that was simply devastating.
I spiraled in to such a depression and I started having serious panic attacks. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night screaming. I found myself waking up with fist fulls of my own hair wrapped around my fingers from ripping it out while I slept at night. I was beyond inconsolable.
And then one day, in September 2008, I had a nervous breakdown.
At my desk.
In the middle of my office.
In front of everyone.
I desperately needed help from a professional. I thought maybe if I could pull myself together enough emotionally I would be able to regain some level of control over my other ‘Annoying Medical Conditions’. So, left my office and I took a leave of absence on Temporary Disability.
I entered an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program. I attended those classes three days a week, for three hours a day, for three months. But that did not work out too well for me. By November 2008, Medicated Meleah was practically suicidal. And I was down right miserable. Moreover, I made everyone around me miserable.
What made it worse?
Constantly feeling defeated and remorseful for NOT being able to control my emotions, my reactions, my life. And I couldn’t even find pleasure or gratitude in even the simplest of things.
By the very end of December of 2008, I switched to a private therapist and I was finally starting to come out of the funk. I thought I was beginning to come out of my haze.
From January of 2009 – April of 2009, I slowly adjusted to the jobless life at home. During those months, as if by sheer miracle, I noticed that I wasn’t sick ALL THE TIME. Sure, I had a minor cold here and there like a normal person, but never once did I feel like I was on my deathbed. I still had Allergic Reactions and I’ve had about two Crohn’s Attacks, since April, but things are not as bad as they were when I was working.
Most of my stomach issues seemed to settle down, and that is exactly when my Temporary Disability benefits expired. I had only been mildly stable for a few months and my doctors did not think I was ready to go back to work again. In fact all of my doctors refused sign any release forms to allow me to search for employment. According to my medical team of doctors, the ONLY reason I have NOT been getting sick ALL THE TIME is because I am NOT working.
And that’s when I started to panic again.
How was I supposed to live?
In the state of New Jersey, unless you are able to work a full time job, you are ineligible to collect unemployment benefits. Therefore, I had absolutely no income.
Of course that made me feel like the world’s biggest burden to my family. Once again, they were being forced to pick up my expenses, and financially help take care of my son. My mother and father have repeatedly reassured me that I am not a useless human being and all they want is for me to remain healthy. But, there are those days when I feel like a complete failure.
After a lengthy discussion, everyone [family members and a handful of professionals] felt that it is in my best interest medically speaking, to file for Social Security Long Term and Permanent Disability Benefits. So I did, back in May 2008.
Little did I know there was a 3-6 month waiting period to get ‘approved’ for these kinds of benefits. It doesn’t matter that I have a pocket full of doctors signing all kinds of paper work. I still had to wait.
I followed the filing process to the letter and I have met with all of the state appointed doctors. I have handed over copies of every medical record I’ve ever had from every doctor I have ever seen. And now, tomorrow, [Thursday, August 27th @ 9am.] I have my final appointment with the Social Security office to determine weather or not I will be approved or denied coverage.
And I am on pins and needles.
I am asking all of you to please pray for me, or think positive thoughts for me. I am desperately hoping this comes through. Then I will be able to truly focus on getting well instead of being stuck in limbo. Then I will be able to learn how to accept [and subsequently to work within] my limitations without the underlying driving force of desperation weighing me down.
You weren’t kidding about the sandwich! LOL!
But seriously, I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like for you with all those conditions you go through. I’ll definitely say a prayer for you and hope things work out in your favour.
Sweetie, you KNOW I ALWAYS have you in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t help but ignore my pessimistic tendencies and think that all will go well for you tomorrow. I will have EVERYTHING crossed for you! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Quite a bit of memories coming back to me as I read this post ! I’m praying that those in-charge make a decision in your favour. I can’t imagine the flood of thoughts and emotions going through your head when you find you won’t be able to work.
Nick:
No I wasn’t!
And I thank you for your support!
I really need it right now.
CMK:
Oh honey. I love you so much, and you have been HERE for me for as long as I can remember. You have always stuck by me and prayed for my well being. Thank you a million times for saying yet another prayer!
xoxoox
Jaffer:
I know. When I was writing this and adding all the links, I was flooded with memories. I can’t even believe my little body has held on the way it has. And now all I want is for all of this to be over so that I can focus on the FUTURE instead of feeling trapped.
Wow! Being a new reader, I had no idea, Meleah! I respected you before, but now I salute you for getting through all that. I am a firm believer in positive thinking and I’ll be thinking positive thoughts for you. I don’t know how they could turn you down after all you’ve been through. I hope you get it and that things start getting better. You deserve it!
I have been reading you for awhile but never commented.
I just lost my job and feeling kind of sorry for myself. Thank you for putting things in perspective.
I will say a prayer for you tonight and all day tomorrow. Please keep us posted.
Good luck!
Marty:
Well, that’s exactly why I decided to break out and link in those old posts and those old photos. I wanted new readers [such as yourself] to get the full story. Thank you for taking the time to get through this monster of a post. As soon as I get through tomorrow I’m sure I will be back in action and cracking jokes and writing lighter/funnier posts again! And THANK YOU for your support through this one!
🙂
Jules:
Hi, please feel free to comment whenever you want. I am sorry to hear that you lost your job! That’s terrible. I will send good thoughts your way too! And I will keep everyone posted on my status!
Oh my darling, Meleah, I am going to be praying for you all night. I can see no reason why they wouldn’t approve your coverage. I hope when I read your blog tomorrow it will be good news. Sending you every positive vibe possible. XXXX
My dear, I may not stop by very often because you get buried in my 500 feeds. 🙁 But I love you lots and I hope hope hope you get approved for disability. I’ll send you good thoughts across the sea.
Meleah, the power of your spirit does indeed come out in full force, that is the only way I can think of a human being go through such trials & tribulations and yet emerge out of them with enough drive to smile one more time. It’s not often one comes across people like that, the one word that blankets it all over is: Respect! – *with* the exclamation mark. Admirable.
I add my positive thoughts to all those others that have expressed their own for you on a happy outcome of events. And even in the remotest possibility of them suffering an welcome setback, don’t loose sight that there is *always* a way – that and you have a community of people standing besides you here – on top of those close to you. That must add up to something 😉
Meleah, I know it has been long & bumpy road for you. I wish I could help shoulder some of the pain and turmoil you are feeling. In spite of all of the challenges and obstacles you have faced, you have dealt with them with an inner strength and keen sense of humor. You have been handed a a lot and I admire your ability to deal with the situation and find some amusing perspective to share. When handed some of the these nasty life challenges, you’ve found a way to come out on top
I’ll keep you in my prayers and hope that you get approval quickly. I am glad you have shared your story with us. Not many people would be as open with their problems and I am glad to be one of Meleah’s minions. Remember that, when you are down, you have friends out here who back you up!
My word, Meleah. I don’t know what to say. I can only keep you in my thoughts and pray that you get the necessary approval so that you can move on with your life and continue on your creative process.
On the flip side of things, you are blessed. I say this because I know people who don’t have nearly as much of a support system as you do with your family and care givers.
You’ll be in my thoughts.
Well..here’s to getting your approval.
Because, seriously, this ‘Debbie Downer’ shit is a drag on my morning.
I kid. It’s what I do.
That, and masturbate a lot..but whatever.
Good luck, woman.
Baby girl you know I’m always thinking of you. Send me a text the moment you get the news.
I’d like to point out something…if I may? I’ve watched you go through all of this (at least the parts you’ve let me see) and I can’t even begin to tell you how proud of you I am for coming so far. And you really have come so very far. I know it was really hard to move to your parents home and make some of the decisions that you’ve made, but I know that you’ll figure this out and make it through.
My thoughts are with you like always. XOXO
Selma:
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.
[PS: I really miss you and reading your blog.
You are always such an inspiration to me.]
xoxox
Oh My Lisa:
Aw! Lisa! I know how busy you are way across the sea, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support during this time for me.
Rog:
Your comment made me well up with tears.
“and you have a community of people standing besides you here – on top of those close to you. That must add up to something”
Yes, indeed. That sure does add up to a LOT.
Agg79:
Okay, are you guys trying to make me cry?
Oh thank you soooo much for such a wonderful and heartfelt comment. I am in awe of the amount of support I am receiving and here I haven’t even been over to your blog in over a week! I cannot express how much you standing by me, and supporting me means to me!
I have always done my best to make what is usually a miserable situation – mildly humorous. I find that when I look for the FUNNY, it’s a whole lot LESS painful for me to deal with.
🙂
Urban:
That is VERY true. I am certainly blessed to have such an amazing family and wonderful cast of friends to get me through these moments.
moooooooooo35:
THANK YOU for making me laugh the way you do.
That is a gift my friend.
And I promise I will lighten the fuck up once all of this is over!
Cute Ella:
I will send you a text as soon as I know what the deal is. But even after my appointment, it could take days/weeks to find out their final determination. All this waiting has been REALLY stressing me out. But, HOPEFULLY it will all work out in the end. Thank you for being proud of me! You rule.
xoxo
What a worrying time for you, hope it turns out right for you 🙂
From what I’ve been told, the first time you apply for benefits you’ll be denied as a matter of course. Then you have to try, try again. I’m not saying this to be depressing here, I’m just saying that perhaps you should brace yourself for a rejection that probably won’t be final.
Then again I don’t really know what I’m talking about here, so don’t listen to me.
Now, on to much more important things. Is your email working? I’ve been trying to write you and getting my messages returned as undeliverable. What gives?
Ladybanana:
Thank you.
Ned:
Oh really? I know NOTHING about this sort of thing as I’ve never had to ask for help in my whole life. So, this is very confusing to me.
My email is working just fine and dandy. Not sure what address you are using?
Good luck sweetheart ! I’m praying for you. You’ve already been through so much, I hope this is easy and smooth for you 🙂
It’s so sad to think you have this much to deal with on a daily basis. Life is so crazy like that. I’m wondering what this struggle means for you in the long term? Is it empowering you to make a difference with others who may have any one of the health issues you’ve learned to live with? Will it be the backbone of the future books you write and sharing your story with the world? I really think there must be a reason so much fell on your shoulders in such a drastic way. I will think positive thoughts for you today and always! 🙂
Crossing my fingers for you 🙂
wow.. that is totally overwhelming when read non stop like that.. i have of course been aware of the majority of it,, but i do not know how you have kept it together as well as you have knowing all of it all the time!!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you and hoping that all goes well. SS is a bitch tho,, and will usually deny you the first time,, so don’t be too upset if they do.. they do it to almost everyone!!! please keep us posted.. i know you will.XXXOOO
Hugging you, Melz 🙂
The Girl:
easy and smooth would be AWESOME right about now!
Heather OSB:
I have no idea WHY this happened/happens to me all the time, but, one day, HOPEFULLY, it will do some one, some good, some where. Keep on sending those positive thoughts my way. I sure do need them.
🙂
Loni:
Thank you so much!
Paisley:
I know. Seeing it on paper, and reading it like that is overwhelming. And I think I have blocked a lot of that out of my mind, because when I was looking through my archives to find references, I was beside myself! I heard SSI is really hard to get so I am TRYING to prepare for the worst. But I am still hoping for the best. And, THANK YOU so much Jodi. You have been such an AMAZING friend to me over the last three years I am blessed to have you in my life.
Leslie:
I love you so very much.
xoxoxo
Oh, hon.
I am so, so sorry. You poor thing.
I am also going to stop bitching about the filling I just got now…
(hugs)
Hey!! Girlie!! You know it will all be ok! I am PRAYING! FOR!!!
and I made a comment!! LOL
LiLu:
Hey you’re allowed to bitch about filing!
🙂
Patty:
Im shocked YOU left a comment!
xoxo
I am thinking of you, Meleah, and hoping everything works out. Many hugs.
Thinking good thoughts for you. My sister Drea is also finding out about her disability benefits sometime this month or next so I can sort of relate to what you are going through. I hope everything works out for you!
Our stories are so similar. I hate feeling useless and leech-y too. I’m pulling for you and sending good vibes. *hug*
Ingrid:
thank you so very much!
xoxo
Jen Hope:
The waiting is a total nightmare.
Im just glad it’s over now….
I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR SSI & SSD BENEFITS FOR LIFE!
Amy:
That is The Worst Feeling In The World!
xoxoxoxo
Great news!!!
I’ve been writing to you at mhawthorne@optionline.net. Could it be optonline, like “opt on line”?
Oh, and CONGRATUGLATIONS! Benefits for life!!
Ingrid:
I cannot stop sighing relief!
I cried the whole way home tears of joy.
Ned:
Oh yeah, you have a type-o! I will send you an email with my real address!
And Thank you. This was such a long struggle for me.
Will the SSI & SSD benefits be enought to make some good changes Meleah??
In any case, what great news !! 😉
You are born under a lucky star, do you know that? We all get shit thrown at us–but you seem to deflect it damn well. Good Good, no, great news!!!!! Hopefully this will alleviate some stress……and no more attacks.
I had to come back to see if my prayers did any good. What do you know? They did!
I am so happy for you and can only imagine the relief you must feel. Of course, this does not make all the horrible conditions you are dealing with go away but at least it will give you some independence.
If you don’t mind, I think I will still continue to say my prayers for you for improved health. (I’m not an overly religious person but I do believe and I do pray. Just don’t want you to think I’m a Jesus freak!)
Speedy:
Yes! It! Will!
Thank you!
🙂
Luragano:
my stress level is ALREADY lowered!
And yes, I think I am truly blessed!
Jules:
Ahahahahahah
I wont think you are a freak!
So please keep praying for me, I know I will be praying for my health to improve too!
HOORAY FOR THAT UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!! Woot!
Oh, honey. My heart aches for you for all that you’ve been through. I so admire you for bouncing back emotionally, for being able to share your experiences and even for being able to make light of them now and then. I’m so happy to see that you’ve been approved! And now you can become that famous author you were born to be!!!! *****HUGS*****
What, are you okay! Hang in there! You’re not our hero for nothing. 🙂
Lilu:
YAY!
🙂
Terri:
Aw! You are the best. Now I really WILL be able to write without getting all side tracked with stress an worry!
xoxoxo
DeBoHobo:
Im okay NOW that I was approved!
I’m so glad. I’m so glad. I’m so glad. It has made my day to hear this. What a relief.
*jumpin’ for joy*
Woo Hoo! I am so happy to hear this news, you are a hero to me, to be able to keep your sense of humor throughout all your turmoil, and I know you are a good soul. You have taught us all to appreciate the good things a little more and to stop sweating the small stuff. You deserved to have something go your way for once!
I’m glad you got approved! Prayers worked, huh? Hang in there, you’re one tough mama/cookie/girl :p
Selma:
I sobbed the whole way home after hearing I was approved and I just kept shouting Thank You God!
xoxox
Beth:
THANK YOU for saying that. 9 times out of 10, I can [and do] find the humor, but every once in a while, I get very frustrated!
🙂
Noemi:
I guess they did and I am extremely thankful for that!
I’m really glad you were able to get approved. It’s kind of hard to get approved, especially now. So I’m really glad that it worked out and now you can focus on other things (like writing).
Wow,
I didn’t get the chance to read all the other links to inform me better, but I am happy to hear that you have been approved for SSD. Though I’ve stopped by from time to time, I am unfamiliar with all your struggles, but I’ve got you in my thoughts.
(((Meleah)))
~ZZ
I joined your blog late so I had no idea of your health issues. :o(
I see you updated and have been approved. I don’t want to say “I’m happy for you” because it seems so lame to say since you’re still ill. But! The way medicine is nowadays, hopefully they will come up with a perfect cocktail that will cure all your ailments.
Also, I would never have guessed you were ill since youhave an awesome sense of humor!