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The Top Ten Ways I Can Annoy My Coworkers With A Medical Beeper?

I haven’t posted in a while about my health because things have been pretty much under control with respects to having a leaky ass…and really, it’s enough already. But, those pesky ulcers and that hiatal hernia needed to undergo another round of biopsy’s and yet another invasive test. This was my 2nd endoscopy within the year, wherein they implanted a ‘BRAVO’ device (not to be confused with the Bravo network, because THAT would have been cool) to measure certain php levels. This device comes complete with a monitor that I have to wear for three days. The ‘monitor’ looks like a giant beeper from 1982.

One good thing about being in the hospital (other than being anesthetized) is getting to wear plastic bracelets, having my wrists taped up after the IV tubes are removed, and feeling like a superhero. My wrists reminded me of one woman.

Now that I get to rock this device, I decided to try and have some fun with it. I wanted to write a post that would entail ‘The Top Ten Ways I Can Annoy My Coworkers With A Medical Beeper’ however I am still partially anesthetized and therefore slow witted.

I am counting on ya’ll (Leslie, Greg, Jason, Ana, Michael, BOSSY, to name a few) for any suggestions on how to make wearing this device a more enjoyable (laughable) experience while in the office. Please fill the blanks in the comments?

“The Top Ten Ways I Can Annoy My Coworkers With A Medical Beeper”

10. Constantly asking other co-workers if they know what their PHP levels are. Then, act all superior-like when I tell them I know mine…ending the conversation with a ‘Boo-Yah’.

9. Wearing it around my neck as the new ‘bling’ and say things in Ebonics ‘gansta’ style.

8. Instigate a conversation with co workers into bad mouthing our new client management system. Then, flashing the monitor, and tell them everything they said was in fact recorded, transcribed, and sent directly to upper management.

7. Strategically place the beeper betwixt my cleavage and then yell at everyone for staring at my chest.

6. Post warning signs on my clothes telling people that the beeper gives off radiation…then get uncomfortably close to them.

** And here is where YOU guys come in with funny, witty, smart ass ideas **

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  • You could tell them it’s a portable vibrator and pull a “When Harry met Sally” scene. Ha Ha Ha!! That’s very office appropriate though…..lol!
    I read the Wikipedia article on Crohn’s. Miserable! I am sorry that you suffer so. Hang in there! And I love your Wonder Woman arm bands!

  • Meleah

    Chef Mom

    I like that idea…inappropriate is what I am shooting for!

    🙂

  • Tell them its a moron detector.
    It’s a leaky ass warning system and run to their cubicle.
    You were abducted by Aliens and its a tracking device
    Big Brother is watching…

    And my last one cos its early…

    You have declared a jihad on stupidity and its about to detonate.

  • Strap it around your ankle and tell them it’s Lindsay Lohan’s old alcohal monitoring bracelet that you got for a steal on Ebay.

  • Meleah

    Dazd:

    Cute ones!

    Mimzie!

    THAT is AWESOME! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THAT might have to be The Number One Way I Can Annoy My Co-Workers With A Medical Beeper

  • Tell them… don’t f#k with me today… I’m a ticking time bomb.

  • how can I compete with these suggestions? lol

  • I tried posting earlier. You should tell people that it’s your new bullshit monitor and you want to test it by having a conversation with them. You should especially do that to the sales force.

  • cmk

    Can’t come up with anything witty! Just had to share–my youngest was fitted with a Holter monitor for a day when she was in high school. This was to monitor her heart rate. (I can’t remember what they were looking for, but, thankfully, they never found anything wrong.) Anyway, her music teacher could hardly conduct the class because he watched her so closely–he was certain she was going to ‘faint dead away’ and he wouldn’t be able to catch her in time! Despite the fact she was in high school–an embarrassing time for ANYONE–I think she had a bit of fun with the thing. So–to make a long comment even longer :)–have as much fun with your medical beeper as you can. It’ll make the time go much quicker. 🙂

  • The best friend

    #10 and 8, are too funny. I love these. Bravo! I mean, good job.

  • Meleah

    Dawn:

    LOL. Then they might finally LEAVE ME ALONE.

    Leslie:

    These are good! Aren’t they?

    Ingrid:

    HA HA HA…….Oh the damn sales men are the biggest liars I have ever met. I should make it beep every time they open their mouths and say its a portable lie detector.

    BFF:

    Bravo. HA HA. Your cute. I like 10 & 6 (and Mimzie’s ‘Lohan’ idea)

    CMK:

    I am happy to hear that nothing was wrong with your daughters heart… *yikes*… I love LONG comments… I am so going to have fun with this monitor.

  • Tell them it’s an asshole detector and it goes off whenever there is one in the vicinity 😉

    Good luck with your medical tests, I remember them not being my favorite.

  • Glance at it and exclaim “Commissioner Gordon’s in trouble!” and then run to the bathroom. When coworkers stare at you exiting the bathroom, “What? You were expecting a Bat-suit?

  • I cannot possibly surpass any of these hilarious suggestions, but being a huge Batman fan, I would go with Jason’s. Good one!

  • HomerSimpson

    It’s a taser and if they don’t back off you’ll tase them, video it and put it on your web site.

  • Meleah

    Hammer:

    Nicely done. Im so used to these tests they dont even bother me anymore. (At least nit until I get more bad news)…..

    Jason:

    YES! I knew I could count on you for an EXCELLENT quote. 🙂 You rule.

    Selma:

    I am pretty lucky to know some of the funniest people in the blogworld.

    HOMER!

    (where have you been?) (glad to see you back)

    HA HA HA… YES!! I love it. PMS and 30 seconds…. I think Ill tell them 10 seconds (that way they Go. Away. even quicker). I wish I really COULD tase them, video & blog it! HA H AH AH AH

  • HomerSimpson

    Well, since you asked for inappropriate. It’s a PMS early warning device. If it goes off they have 30 seconds to clear the area.

  • HomerSimpson

    Tell them it’s a new type of external defibrillator. Then start twitching and yelling for them to hit the off switch.

  • PSSST… Meleah? Someone gave me a tip that you should read The Uncanny Broadcasting Brain Blog tomorrow… mum’s the word, OK?

  • Randomly hold it up to your mouth like a cb radio, saying, “10-4 Good Buddy!”

  • Meleah, I don’t mind saying that this is a GREAT post idea 😉

    Wear whatever you want to work and then when the boss questions your ultra-casual attire, tell him that you have to wear clothes like that to accommodate your necessary medical device.

    Ok, it’s not the funniest idea, but it worked for me for 3 straight weeks!!!!!!1

  • Still cracking up over these. 🙂

  • You are one helluva an amazing gal. I don’t know too many people who would view this little adventure with such a sense of fun. I am dying laughing at numbers 8 & 9…..too bad you can’t do them all!

  • FV

    I still have my dad’s defibrillator if you want to use it at work, just connect 2 AA batteries and you are ready to go, just tell them that whenever they (management, co-workers, pharmacists, dieticians etc etc) feel like bitching and moaning about everything and everything your little electrical friend will go off and you will become super Mel capable of shocking people with electricity with your portable Defibrillator 🙂

  • Tell them it’s one of those life alerts in case “You have fallen and You can’t get up!”

  • yo momma

    i peed in my pants from these

  • I gave you Gravatar. If your commenters want to play, they should go to Gravatar.com and get their own Gravatar avatar. 🙂 Have fun.

  • Meleah

    Leslie:

    Hmm…. I am not sure if I am a FAN of Gravatar yet…. I like things simple…but Ill play with it for a week and then decide!

  • Meleah

    Mark:

    Okay. I will be over to your site.

    Terri:

    Thats a GREAT ONE!

    Michael:

    THANKS FOR THE IDEA!!! xxoo These answers are friggen hilarious.

    Leslie:

    Me too.

    Barb:

    I have to make this fun….otherwise it too damn depressing.

    FV:

    ha ha ha

    Ms Schmitty:

    Life alert. Those commercials make me laugh.

    Mom:

    I know. I told you these were GREAT!!

  • Ha this is funny.
    Tell them it’s made in China, full of lead, and you will let it soak in their morning coffee for health benefits 🙂

  • HAHAHAHAHA! God – those are hysterical!!!! I can’t think of anything funnier!

    So, do we have a date for New Years or NOT?!?!?!

  • Meleah

    RMH:

    THAT IS CLASSIC. YES! Thank you!!

    OLGA!

    REALLY? REALLY REALLY? I would LOVE to have you! LOVE!!! wheeee xxxoo
    Oh the places we’ll go!!

  • I’d be walking around with a makeshift metal detector telling folks I was searching for ‘Company Assets’ Okay, maybe that’s not as funny as when I first thought it up but I am tired, cranky and feeling kind of sick, so back off! 😉

  • Meleah I need to think about this some more but for now I have a behavioral suggestion that will annoy them over time.

    Wear it just along the hip and when standing kind of throw out your side so that your calling attention to the device.

    Place your hand on the hip it’s on when talking to people or even better, go to someones desk and use one hand to lean on the desk and throw the hip out just a bit while asking for a report or something.

    Make it like something that gives you authority when walking into a room.

    I’m thinking of a cowgirl with her six shooter. Develop a strut of sorts that calls attention to it.

    An remember to always stand, always, with the hip out slightly and your hand just above the device. Feet must always be shoulder width apart as well.

  • (5) I’m working my way up to being the Six-million Dollar Woman. So far I’m up to 10 G’s.

    (4) My heroin dealer’s gone hi-tech and can now remotely detect when I need a fix.

    (3) I’m a beta tester for Apple’s latest product, the iCum, a remote control unit for my vibrator.

    (2) The recent batch of men I’ve been dating haven’t been too bright, so I installed Google maps mobile to help them find my G-spot.

    (1) Stare your male or female co-worker in the eyes and ask in a sultry voice, “You wanna see where the other end is plugged in?”

  • Meleah

    Anti Barbie:

    That is VERY funny. Thank you!

    Ricardo:

    Anything that involved being uncomfortably close to other co workers IS funny.

    Greg:

    OhMyGod… I AM DYING. DYING. (from laughter) I knew your answers would be off the hook. I fucking love you. xxoo v v v v

  • I love Gravatar on blogs – keep it! And you’re readers should add avatars – its fun to see a little graphic of what people see themselves as. 🙂

  • Well that’s it, you have to get in close and throw out the hip but never mention the device specifically. If they do look at it , just say “Whatcha lookin’ at?” and stick the hip out more but just ever so slightly.

  • I like Greg’s # 3. That was hilarious.

  • Meleah

    Leslie:

    I think I do like the Gravatar feature!!

    Ingrid:

    Greg always makes me laugh..out loud.

    Ricardo:

    I will.

  • weird, i posted friday, but don’t see my comment. maybe i forgot to submit.

    Tell folks in a most serious tone that you are waiting for a signal from Morpheous on it, and that will be your ticket out of the Matrix. Deep, deep down, we all suspect that we really are trapped in the Matrix…

    SA

  • Meleah

    SA:

    Yeah…Um…Friday I had some BLOG ISSUES (just see the post below!)

    Glad you commented again!

  • anytime. sent u an email.

    SA

  • Is that gravatar case sensitive (I assume it’s passing the email address)? Mine isn’t working.

  • Ok this is me testing with all lowercase on my email address like my gravatar account.

  • Meleah

    Hey Greg!

    Yeay! Its working now!!

    SA:

    Thanks for the email!!

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