I talk about my father a lot on this blog, mostly because he is hilarious. He has given me some hard-core belly-laughs over the years. I am happy to share yet another story with you that involves My Daddy.
My parents own a condominium located inside one of those ‘55 and Older’ communities. In fact, my grandfather Poppa Sye used lived there. However, approximately five years ago, Poppa Sye moved in with The Parents and they have been renting the property ever since.
Recently the tenant moved out, subsequently leaving the condo in absolute shambles. I have never seen anything so horrifying in my entire life. Seriously people. They could have filmed an episode of the television show ‘Hoarders’ up in there.
Now, if that wasn’t bad enough?
The man was a three-pack-a-day-smoker. Apparently, it never occurred to him to crack open a window, or to have a cigarette outside. The walls, light fixtures, and appliances were coated in a thick, yellow, film consisting of tar and nicotine. You could have carved your initials into the layers of film on the walls. And no, I am not exaggerating.
To top it all off?
The man had several cats. And judging by the stains in the carpet? They clearly did not use a litter box. The overwhelming stench was enough to gag a person.
After my parents called ‘1-800-Got-Junk’ to haul away the debris, it took a ‘Professional Cleaning Crew’ armed with ‘Industrial Strength Products’ more than eight hours just to make the conditions slightly bearable. Needless to say we were left in the lovely position of dealing with ‘The Rest of the Damage’.
As most of you already know, I love to clean. And, I have extensive experience with respects to beautifying an otherwise filthy dwelling. So when I was presented with the opportunity to unleash my OCD, I greeted the day with a smile.
My mother and I dressed in rags and drove over to the condo to meet my up with my father. From the minute I walked in the door, I felt like I had been punched in the face. The smell wafting in the air was brutal. Too bad it’s impossible to suddenly induce a temporary case of anosmia.
Nevertheless, I was fully prepared to do whatever it took to make that place sparkle again. The Parents were busy in the kitchen dutifully painting away, while I was scrubbing the inside of the bedroom closets. The individual wires that made-up the closet racks and railings were beyond filthy. It took an entire bottle of Soft-Scrub, a five-pack of Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, and a whole lot of elbow grease to remove the seemingly glued on cat-hair.
Now when I am cleaning like that, I get into a particular mental zone. It’s almost a trance like state of mind. And, I tend to forget that anyone else is around me. I should also probably mention that I am tone-deaf. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise, when my father unexpectedly came running into the bedroom. Apparently, I had been singing ‘Live And Let Die’ by ‘Guns n’ Roses’, in my best Axle Rose voice. Loudly. My father thought I had been severely injured. And if you’ve ever had the misfortune of listening to me belt out a tune, you’d understand why.
I spent most of the day dodging bleach speckles from splattering into my eyeballs while scouring any and everything in sight. I also removed the cobwebs in the corners of each room that were as thick as garland on a Christmas tree. But when I decided to tackle the hallway closet, things got a little more interesting.
My father told me it would be much easier for me to clean because he’d already given it a good ‘Once-Over’. But when I opened the door, I just saw the very same: thick, yellow, film consisting of tar and nicotine covering the inside of the closet.
I turned to my father and asked, “Dad, what product did you use to clean the closet? Because this is still pretty gross.”
My father put down his paintbrush and replied, “Oh, I used that spray stuff. You know… that spray stuff?”
I shook my head, “No, Daddy. What spray stuff? I have no idea what you are talking about. Was it Windex?”
“No.” My father said.
He paused for a minute and scratched his head. I could see he was racking his brain trying to remember the name of the cleaning product.
“Oh!” My father exclaimed as if a light bulb went off. “I know what it was!”
“I used 401K.”
“Really, Daddy?” I started to laugh. “You cleaned the closet with your retirement plan?”
My mother cracked up. In between her machine gun giggles she managed to get these words out, “Your father meant to say he used the spray stuff called 409.”
“Wow. Dad. I think you’ve been huffing too many paint fumes.”
[Ah, yes. There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned “Ron-ism” to bring a smile to our sweat-stained faces.]
After what seemed like forever, plus two lifetimes, we were done for the day. We knew we’d have to come back several more times before completing the monumental task of making this condo rent-able.
Later that evening, too exhausted to do anything else, my father tried to make plans with us. And here’s how that conversation went.
My father asked no one in particular, “Hey, want to go to the movies tonight?”
“I’m not sure.” My mother asked, “What’s playing?”
My dad thought for a moment and then answered, “I was thinking about seeing that ‘Yahoo’ movie.”
Utterly baffled my mother questioned, “The Yahoo movie?”
“Yeah, you know. It’s the one about the Internet or something?”
My mother stood there confused and desperately tried to de-code what my father was talking about.
“Oh, come on…” My dad tried to describe the ‘Yahoo’ movie again, “It’s the one about that website Meleah’s always updating.”
My mom thought for a moment. “Wait. Do you mean Facebook?”
“I think so. If that’s the website Meleah’s always on, and if that’s the website they made a movie about?”
“Oh!” Miraculously my mother managed to figure out what he was trying to say, “You mean you want to go see the movie ‘The Social Network’?”
At which point, my house exploded with laughter.
Yep.
That’s my daddy.
Great story!
The website Mel is always updating is her blog – and wouldn't that be seriously cool to have it's movie made with graphic scenes of all the medical procedures and bowel movement…
That was hilarious. I mean seriously, the damage must have been enough to wipe out one's 401k !
401, 404, 403, 409 etc are all Highway numbers in Ontario – they are so confusing.
P.S. Guess who's back to blogging again !
Thanks!
YAY!!! YOU'RE BACK!! OMG!
*throws confetti!*
I'll be over to your blog today!
xoxoxox
Hehe, your Dad is so awesome.
I don't think I will ever stop laughing at the Yahoo Movie.
Meleah, as soon as your dad said he had used “401K” I knew what he meant, but could not come up with “409” for the life of me! That condo sounds like a nightmare job, but I clean like that too. I get in a frenzy. Too bad it only hits me once in a blue moon! Your daddy is adorable!
I have the hyperfocus kind of thing too but alas, it's not in cleaning my house so that you could have a baby right there on my kitchen floor with no worries about germs… The 401K killed me. Too funny.
Great story! Your dad reminds me of Norm Crosby!
My daddy always makes me laugh.
And, yes, that condo is a NIGHTMARE. We've been spending all of our free
time over there trying to get it back together.
Im glad I made you laugh!
🙂
My dad reminds me of Larry David a lot of the time!
That, and of course, Tony Bennett!
Oh, my dearest Libra friend…do you know how MUCH I love reading your posts? I do! I do! I do!
Especially when they involve your family! Don't ya just love being Italian? We Italians are CRAZY! Kinda like Moonstruck Italian crazy!
“Now when I am cleaning like that, I get into a particular mental zone. It’s almost a trance like state of mind.”
OMG, you and I are so much alike. I too love to clean and get into a certain “zone.” Especially when I'm cleaning the bathroom. Love to clean the bathroom.
Hysterical post, girl. ““Really, Daddy?” I started to laugh. “You cleaned the closet with your retirement plan?”
Bwhahahahahhaahhahaha!
X
Ahahahahah! Oh, thanks Ron!
Yeah, my family is pretty GREAT. Especially for blog fodder.
🙂
While the entire story was great, I HAD to laugh uproariously over the 'singing' part. I, too, can't sing worth a darn–even though I LOVE to do it, to my family's distress. And I have always been a terrible singer. Case in point: I once was in my bedroom at The Parent's and was singing along to 'Nights in White Satin'–which I was listening to with headphones on. The Mother came bursting into the room because the 'wailing and groaning' she was hearing made her think I was suffering from a burst appendix. Thanks, Mom–that did a lot for my self-esteem. 😀
OMG! Christine! That's exactly why my dad came running in! HA!
He really thought I was injured.
He confused my 'singing' for writhing in pain!!
Glad to know I am not alone!
xoxoxox
My dad's funny, too, but he refuses to go see movies of any kind. I've often wondered why, especially I like them so much.
P.S. — Hey, sorry I was gone so long. Hospitals. Sickness. Near death. I'm sure you understand.
Free for SHAGS, I mean bloggers gathering?
http://danielfranklingomez.com/blog/2010/10/the-bloggers-shags-gathering-27-november-2010/
I hear that Yahoo movie is pretty good. Hahaha.
That is gross something would leave a house in such a state. Yuck. Thank goodness you were around to help. Brilliant post!
I think ya'll have been sniffing a little too much of the 401K.
It looks that the apartment posed a real challenge, even for Meleah, the ubercleaner. It sounded like a cross between Horders, Fear Factor and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
And I still like your dad's sense of humor. He ought to post his thoughts on his FacePlant page.
hahha, too funny. 401k. well he could have cleaned it with his retirement plan. a friend of mine asked if i wanted some WD-2 last night. really?
Well, NO WONDER the closet wasn't clean. Everyone now knows that 401K, in spray or powder form, is useless. 🙂 I've always loved your Dad. Can I borrow him? Kisses to ewe Mel.
About the only thing my 401(k) is good for these days is cleaning. Because the economy pretty much took it and mopped the floor with it, anyway.
Oh Mike, I was soooo sad when I read what was happening to Kerry.
I am THRILLED she's back home and doing so well.
I cant imagine what you've been through.
I'll try and stop by later this week.
Thanks Selma. I cant believe the tenant lived in those conditions!
UGH!
I have wanted to make a Fabeook page for my dad forever!
He won't let me!
And, OMG! Cleaning that place WAS just like being a contestant on Fear
Factor!
Ahahahahahahahahahahhaah!
Of course you can borrow him!
But you will have to return him quickly!
That blows.
Please, please, please, if you ever are looking to kill some time, come to the Small Town and clean my house. I hate cleaning and could use all the help I can get. I want to see that Yahoo movie too.
I would be MORE THAN HAPPY to assist you!
🙂
Sounds like you have a lot of laughter and fun with your family, that's lovely.. 🙂
OH that is priceless. Actually my 401K is probably worth about what a bottle of 409 costs. You could probably put all the great quotes and put together a book, kinda like Yogi Berra's sayings.
That is priceless! It reminds me of when my mom called my niece's car a “vulva” instead of a “Volvo”. She says stuff like that all the time and it absolutely cracks me up every time! I can't wait to tell her this story so she knows she isn't alone.
Yep! Your daddy is hilarious! I love the fact that he's so funny and doesn't even know it sometimes.
Lol Those are good stories 🙂 I love 'dad' stories
aahahahahahaa!
My dad can't get the names of anything right, ever! But because I know him so well, I always know what he's talking about. Hilarious!
I know what you mean by that smell that punches you in the face. My roommates room has this lovely quality. How can people live like that? I DON'T know. But 401k is a nice nickname for 409. Very funny!
🙂
My dad does say some funny things!
I remember that story! HA!
Seriously! He has NO IDEA how funny he is!
Thanks Jules!
My mom is better at figuring out what my dad is trying to say!
I can't even imagine living like that. Ew.
I am sorry to hear about the condo. We rent a home and I couldn’t even imagine such a mess.
But I did love the 401K cleaner and Yahoo movie, very funny!!!
.-= Lucy´s last blog ..Nineteen =-.
What a great story. Love all the details. Could practically smell the place myself. I envy you for having such a wonderful dad still in your life. Thanks for sharing him with us.
You're very welcome.
🙂
Your dad's hilarious! And this is going to sound so strange, but I would love to clean that condo! I don't like everyday cleaning like dusting or vacuuming, but I really love cleaning something that's so filthy that you can really tell that you're making a difference.