Momma Mia, Mea Culpa

Saying, “No!” seems like it should be easy enough.

It’s two little letters.

It’s one simple word.

And while I have no problem saying, “No!” when it comes to my son, I’ve had difficulty saying, “No!” when it comes to other family members and sometimes even my friends.

By a show of hands, who else suffers from People Pleasing Syndrome?

I have been a People Pleaser all my life. But, it’s not because I am trying to get others to like me, or love me, or accept me, or any of that jazz. It’s mostly because I don’t like to let people down. And I don’t want to be seen as lazy, or uncaring, or totally egocentric.

I take a great deal of pride in being a good mother, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good friend. I am loyal, honest, and trustworthy. I am more than willing to do for others, and I am always happy to lend a helping hand, especially to those in need.

However, for some strange reason, I have a hard time accepting help from others. And I definitely have a hard time accepting when people do nice things for me without falling into a vicious cycle that goes a little something like this:

1. Someone helps me and/or does something nice for me.
2. I immediately feel obligated to return the favor.
3. Eventually, that same someone will ask me to do something for them.
4. I will agree even if I don’t really want to [see #2]. And then I feel resentful.
5. Then, I will either back out at the last minute and feel incredibly guilty, or, I show up to said: place, party, event, secretly pissed off about it.
6. And round and round we go.

But here’s the thing.

I don’t have the strength to please all the people, all the time, anymore.

And, quite frankly?

I don’t want to.

I’m exhausted.

After my 38^th birthday, I decided enough was enough. And I believe I’ve had somewhat of an epiphany. I discovered the power of saying, “No!” And I had no idea just how liberating it would be.

Don’t get me wrong, people.

Apparently, old habits are tough to break.

The first few times I tried to say, “No!” I failed horribly, mostly because People Pleasers like myself do not like confrontation. Therefore, I have the tendency to give in just to avoid any type of argument or friction.

Luckily, after a few minor setbacks, I quickly came to the conclusion that I need to listen to my body rather than listening to thoughts inside my head, because I’ve been making myself sicker from doing too much. When I am over extended or over committed, I don’t get enough sleep. And then I become anxious and overwhelmed. Which inevitably depletes the last of my resources.  And in light of my new health issues, along with my other annoying medical conditions, that is the last thing I need to do.

Between autoimmune problems such as Crohn’s Disease, Severe Food Allergies, Hashimoto Thyroiditis, and Sjögren’s [SL: systemic lupus erythematosus] Syndrome, I have some serious limitations.

And because of those limitations  – I need to set boundaries.

But…

In order for me to change, I had to start asking myself, “Is this person, place, party, or event – really worth it? Is it worth risking my health? Is it worth my time? Or would I rather be doing something else? And is it worth the anxiety and pressure?”

[Kind of like Elaine, from Seinfeld, determining whether or not a man is Sponge Worthy.]

Then, I had to remind myself that I am entitled to ME time. And I had to remind myself how important it is for me to rest and rejuvenate so that I can be there when something really matters.

And that’s when I started looking at saying, “No!” as an opportunity to spend my time doing what I value in my life, rather than running myself ragged. Which has helped me to become assertive without being aggressive.

For instance…

When my girlfriend called asking me to come over and help organize the massive piles of summer clothes belonging to her four small children, but I already had three more doctors appointments that week, and my nephews’ 5^th birthday party attend?

I said, “No.”

When another girlfriend called and asked me to help clean her bedroom, but I was way too tired and my knee was acting up?

I said, “No.”

When yet another girlfriend called and asked me to meet her out for some drinks, but I was already in my pajamas and waiting for my favorite television show to come on?

I said, “No.”

When a male friend invited me to see his band play in a bar, and on the very same night I was invited to a Disco dance at my favorite club, but I was still recovering from bronchitis and strep throat, and all I really wanted to do was watch funny movies with my brother?

I said, “No.”

When another friend of mine asked me to keep her company at work, but I didn’t want to spend my day that way, because I really wanted to write instead?

I said, “No.”

And when another blogger, whom I don’t know very well, specifically solicited me to promote a particular link, except that I don’t advertise links or other blogs when I am asked to, only when I want to, and I don’t comment on other people’s blogs to get comments on my own blog, and I don’t tweet just to get re-tweets.

I said, “No.”

And I’ve never felt better in my whole entire life.

Seriously.

And that’s why I am declaring this year, as my year, to be completely selfish, with no excuses, no explanations, and no apologies.

Period.

Because my health has to come first.

Otherwise I won’t have anything left to give anyone.

Are you a People Pleaser?
And if so, how does it affect your life?
What steps have you taken to correct the problem?
And do you ever still feel a little guilty when saying, “No?”

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