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The Perfectionist:

I haven’t written a single funny word, I haven’t spoken a funny word and I haven’t even had a funny, witty, snarky thought in my head for weeks. (most likely due to illness)

I almost deleted my entire blog because the last few entries have been so…. blah, dull, boring and down right depressing. (and, since I am almost always sick, who the f*ck wants to hear this depressing sh*t?)

Being a “perfectionist” with my job, my house, motherhood, and even with my writing, when I am not “hitting my mark,” I get all down on myself.

For me, parting of feeling good is doing a great job.

I have always measured “HOW WELL I AM DOING”

By

1. HOW WELL I DO MY JOB

2. HOW WELL I AM RAISING MY SON

3. HOW WELL A POST IS WRITTEN ON MY BLOG

4. HOW WELL I FINISH A CHAPTER IN MY BOOK

5. AND BY HOW CLEAN I KEEP MY HOUSE

When all FIVE are running well (at least three out of five) I feel great, I look great. I am happy, content and pleasant. I sleep well. I eat well. I even believe all the money stress will work itself out, because hey, good things are coming, I am doing a good job, I deserve it.

When I can’t do a good job at work, home, or with my son, or when I can’t even post a decent sentence, and I have been STUCK on chapter 10 since October (NO MATTER WHAT THE REASON) I feel like a failure. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I feel like shit. I write like shit.

When I don’t do a good job, at anything, I don’t feel good about anything.

I feel undeserving. I start to worry. I act like a bitch taking my stress and fear out on the people closest to me. I even start to think that even more bad things are on their way, because I am doing a bad job, so, bad things will happen.

Then, I get upset. That leads to paranoia and low self worth. The desire to give up completely creeps in and the “I don’t care, I can’t do this anymore” tapes play in my head.

Since, being SICK AGAIN, I haven’t been ABLE to work, let alone DO A GOOD JOB, add in the house being a mess, sucking at a writing a decent post, and lacking in anything with humor, has left this blog, and my life slightly askew.

Not happy + being sick + all the parts in my life that give my life a sense of accomplishment and purpose = are missing = bad employee, bad mother, and very bad blogger.

It’s NOT self pity…it’s part of being a perfectionist.

Yes, I did force myself to go back to work, when clearly, I was not ready.

Yes, I tried to take on too much too fast.

I tried to acclimate myself to all these new diseases / problems that came out from left field all at once and I never saw coming. I have no clear way, or direction on how to handle half of these issues.

My tiny 30 year old body has been hijacked by an 80 year old man’s body.

Not cool.

HOWEVER.

I did sleep for another 19 hours IN. A. ROW.

I was able to WORK (from home- thank you: office manager and the best boss ever) for a SOLID 5 hours. IN. A. ROW. (and clear headed) !!

I ate chicken and mashed potatoes and! didn’t! get sick! to my stomach!

This post doesn’t suck so bad

I was able to pay attention to what my son had to say about his day in school.

I feel almost OKAY.

The key is, sleep for 19 hours, be awake for 6. Sleep for 19 hours, be awake for 6.

I was forcing my body to do things it wasn’t ready to do. I can’t fight my body anymore.

I am not 19.

I need to accept I have these new shortcomings and learn how to deal with them.

The only way I can stay healthy is to find a way to change some things in my life.

I have to cut down on the things that cause the stress, that lead to a crohns attack, that lowers my immune system, that leads to in bed for 10 days.

Maybe? This working from home can become a more permanent thing? Two days out of the week? So I can get enough rest. So I can take care of myself. So I can stay healthy. So I can deal with these new diseases. So I can make and keep all my necessary doctor appointments, including finding and seeing a nutritionist.

Yeah…right?

I can’t believe how much I was able to accomplish today without all the distractions in the office.

I could really focus on the task at hand. When I needed to, I rested, and guess what? As a result, I was able to be productive; I was able to do a GOOD JOB and now I FEEL GOOD about doing a good job.

I am working from home again tomorrow. As I have just learned; just because I feel better for two seconds, does not!! mean I can throw myself back into the grind full time.

Done with work today. Off to bed again. Another 19 hours of sleep ahead of me.

Looking forward to feeling even better – SOON !!!

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  • Anonymous

    Hey, M!
     
    Had a chance to catch up on the blog. Sorry you’re so sick. Man! You’ve had your share of grief, haven’t you? The blog, as usual, is consistently entertaining. Personally, I find you’re at your best when you’re being a smart-ass, but it’s all good.

    AL

  • meleah rebeccah

    THANK YOU

    I miss my smart ass self too… Being sick makes me NOT FUNNY AT ALL

    I’m getting there (feeling better) slowly, but surly.

  • THEQUEENOFPERSIAâ„¢

    i have been telling you to somehow work from home since you were first diagnoed with crohns.

    you need time to adapt to your new lifestyle.

    time to rest.

    i have a bad feeling about your commute to work.
    i have a bad feeling about your commute home from work.

    i have bad feelings about alot of things in your life.

    i only have good feelings about you working form home a couple days out of the week.

  • meleah rebeccah

    I love you jennifer.

    I WISH I could work from home too.

    But, we will see what happens

    I am just GLAD to be getting BETTER (at least a little)

  • Anonymous

    Hey, stop beating up on yourself! Haven’t you learned as I have that there are lots of people out there willing to do the job for you? You’re a beautiful person with a lot on her plate. You’ve got to feel good to do good. Get yourself in a good place and the rest will start to fall into place. Meanwhile, I hope you find some things that please you and wallow in them – you deserve it! The rest will come.
     
    OX
     
    AL

  • Anonymous

    I just read your latest blog, I am sad that I can’t do anything to help you, I am happy to know you are doing ok at this very moment.

    I feel sad right now meleah, I can’t smile knowing you are going through hell and here I am without the ability to do or say anything to make you smile.

    Im so very sorry!

    FV

  • meleah rebeccah

    AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS AN UPLIFTING POST

    WOW I REALLY AM SICK HUH?

  • Michael

    It stands to reason that if your health situation has changed, a lot of other things need to adjust themselves around that. Maybe office work isn’t for you anymore. Perhaps a new line of work?

  • Leslie

    Hey chica,

    IM me about tips on working from home: how to makle it happen, how to focus once you get it set up, hoe to document your time so your employer is comfortable with it, etc.

    xoxo

  • meleah rebeccah

    hey leslie

    I do keep great records
    and they can check from the office the emails I sent all dayy and accounts I submitted ect ect ect

    BUT… I DOUBT my boss will really EVER go for that

  • meleah rebeccah

    Michael:

    Id love to look into something new, being a SINGLE MOM and needing 100% health benefits for both HIM AND I… doesnt afford me to opportunity to “search” elsewhere.

    The security of 9-5 is a stabalizing factor in my life

    UNTIL SOMEONE can FINANCE MY WHOLE LIFE STYLE and I dont have to WORK at ALL ever, so I can be a FULL TIME MOM and FULL TIME writter

    Im sorta STUCK where I am (for now) and I am fortunate to be where I am

    If I have to work I am lucky to HAVE A GREAT OFFICE and I get to see my DAD everyday

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