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The Onion

I love me some satire. Therefore, its easy for me to love The Onion magazine. I have decided this is where I will be getting all of my ‘news’ for the rest of the year. It may not always be factual, but it sure as hell always funny.

This was my favorite article of the week:
(And not just because it originated from my home state of New Jersey.)

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After decades of coddling young children, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new “Nothing But Tears” shampoo this week, an aggressive bath-time product the company says will help to prepare meek and fragile newborns for the real world. A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby’s skin as “having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self.”

“We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long,” company CEO William C. Weldon said. “Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead.”

“It’s time our children got the wake-up call that’s been coming to them,” Weldon continued. “It’s time they cried their precious little eyes out.”

The result of five years of intensive research and market testing, the company’s “Nothing But Tears” shampoo contains only the most abrasive of natural ingredients and is nearly impossible to rinse from a baby’s screaming face. According to directions printed on the label, the bath-time product is best used with scalding hot water for optimal toughening-up of newborns.

Available in an easy-to-find-and-open bottle, the new shampoo is also guaranteed to give children a “healthy dose of reality.”

“You’ll notice a difference after just one use,” said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. “Whether it’s your newborn’s more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, ‘Oh wait, maybe life isn’t all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.'”

Added Baker, “Johnson & Johnson will kick your baby’s ass into gear.”

A publicity campaign for the tear-inducing shampoo has already begun, with Johnson & Johnson debuting a series of television ads to push the baby-care product. In one of the minute-long spots, scheduled to air later this week, a mother cradles her crying newborn in her arms. As time passes, the weeping infant grows increasingly older, until the now elderly woman struggles to hold up her 48-year-old, 230-pound son. A voiceover announcer asks viewers, “Worried your child will never toughen up? At Johnson & Johnson, we can help.”

After rigorous product testing at the company’s research headquarters in New Jersey, the new “Nothing But Tears” shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life. In addition, when combined with Johnson & Johnson’s new line of bleach-based conditioners, the shampoo resulted in noticeably thicker skin after only six uses.

In recent years, a growing number of parents have begun looking for ways to raise more adequately jaded toddlers, and Johnson & Johnson is not the first company to respond to the rising demand. In 2003, Fisher-Price unveiled a new adventure play set containing 85 easy-to-choke-on pieces, and in 2006, the Walt Disney Company introduced an interactive DVD entitled Baby’s First Brush With A Cruel And Unforgiving World.

Whether or not Johnson & Johnson’s new move will ultimately pay off remains to be seen. However, reaction to the tantrum-provoking shampoo has thus far been positive.

“My 13-month-old used to be a total pushover,” said new mother Catherine Smith. “But ever since I started washing her hair with ‘Nothing But Tears’ shampoo, not only does my little Debra kick and scream and wail, but yesterday she said her first words: ‘No, Mommy, don’t.'”

Despite testimonials from satisfied customers, some concerned parents have come out against the new shampoo.

“To knowingly upset your baby like that is downright cruel,” said Hershey, PA homemaker Barbara Sterling. “My child is going to lose his blissful sense of innocence the old-fashioned way—by coming home from school one day only to learn that his parents are getting a divorce”

—–

I know you are dying to read more from The Onion. And since I am in such a good mood today as we are about to embark upon a long weekend, I will share the link with ya’ll. Click Here!

Have A Great Labor Day Weekend Everyone.

PS: I will be available via email, and visible on the internet, posting comments, and reading all of your blogs, over the next four days while taking breaks from The Book Project.

If you liked my post, feel free to subscribe to my rss feeds

  • lol! I think I used some of that stuff the other day

  • I guess I will start reading this onion thing, as everyone seems to love it.

  • I agree w/that approach. Tearless shampoo sets the kid up for a bad surprise when he gets older.

  • Meleah

    Hammer:
    I was laughing so hard when I read this tears came down m y face

    Claire:
    Its hilarious!

    Angry Man:
    I know!

  • i will be thinking of you delving into the past over the weekend… sometimes it is scary i know,, but it is a great feeling when you can recognize how far you have come to be able to analyze it in the first place… XXOO

  • HAHAHA!! That’s a riot! It doesn’t matter what shampoo I use on my son..he still freaks anyway. I’d buy this just because he’s crying anyway!. I LOVE the Onion! Have a great weekend!!

  • Hey – you’ll make my stock go down! LOL Yeah I read the onion too! Its pretty funny! Cloudy day here 🙁

  • sounds funny, will check it out fur shur! yes the 3day weekend. yippie!

  • Very Onionesque: we celebrate a day about work by not working. Can’t get any better than that! 🙂

    Have a good one.

  • Meleah

    Paisley:
    Im psyched about it actaully. Going throgh my old journals should be a real trip!

    Chef Mom:
    Aw! Your little bean doesn’t like to shampoo his hair?
    Have a GREAT weekend.

    Oscar:
    Its supposed to get nicer as the day goes on!
    I love The Onion.

    Valerie:
    I wish I didnt have to come to work on Friday either!

    Rog:
    Hey. Lucky!

    ——-

    The term *guarded skepticism* just kills me.

  • “the shampoo resulted in noticeably thicker skin after only six uses” now that would help me with my writing. So funny thanks!

  • Oh man…what a good read! Thanks for sharing the precious link. Always good to read some laughs.

  • Meleah

    rjlight:
    Ive read this a million times and every time I laugh my head off.

    “New Jersey, the new “Nothing But Tears” shampoo was found to give newborns up to three times greater resilience than the leading competitor, as well as a stronger grasp on the crushing disappointment that is life.”

    HA HA HA HA

    Heather@One Shot Beyond:
    I couldn’t resist posting this. Why should I hog all these laughs for myself. I was hoping ya’ll would appreciate it as much as I did!
    🙂

  • Oh God! I LOVE The Onion, if only the news was like that all the time.

    I heard they were going to make “The Onion Movie” or it already had been made? Oh, I can’t remember but I was thinking, how could they make a movie out of that? Maybe I’ll Google that…

    Will you be writing this weekend? I hope! I’m actually writing my 2nd Chapter right now. I’m not having so much luck. I keep telling myself that if I open the file, I’ll know what to write. AUGHHHH!!!

    Hope you have a splendid weekend too, Sweetie!!!
    XOXOXO
    RC

  • Onion = awesome.

    They’ve been stealing my shit for years.

    When I say “years,” I mean “never.”

    Just to clarify.

  • That was hilarious!
    Thanks 😀

  • Meleah

    Random Chick:
    Hell Yes I will be writing this weekend!
    In fact, I will be doing my re-write of Chapter One per your notes!

    AND!

    I will be emailing you MY notes on YOUR 1st chapter shitty rough draft!
    (but I don’t know why you call it a shitty draft. It’s not shitty At All.)

    wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

    PS: The Onion is essential!

    moooooog35:
    You totally need to write / work for them.
    You are funnier than most of their articles.

    Dawn:
    ha ha ha ha
    Your Welcome!

  • Oh I love the Onion. We sometimes play a fun game that involves reading the Onion adn trying to pass off their “news” as actual News. I have some gullible friends. :-/

    Have fun writing this weekend! I think I’m going to paint and plant flowers.

  • cmk

    Another thing we all can do to help our children along: Make sure there are plenty of hairpins next to all electrical outlets. Hey, it worked for The Brother: he put in a hairpin, learned about electricity, and grew up to be an electrician! 😀 (Disclaimer–for the one or two morons that might read this–I DON’T advocate ‘teaching’ in this manner. My comment was a joke. Maybe.)

  • LOL!
    I gotta buy some now… and pour them into a regular shampoo bottle and let husband use it! I’m sure it beats pepper spray in his lunch! – ops, did I just say that out loud? (Just kidding)

  • Love it!

    I’m reminded of one of the classic Police Academy films where they switch out some poor soul’s shampoo with Nair…not pretty-

    Now that I think about it, that entire film franchise was fairly un-pretty, as well-

  • Meleah

    Courtney Ryan:
    Oh, painting and planting sound awesome.
    The Onion rocks!

    CMK:
    HA HA HA
    Thats funny. IF it’s true!

    RMH:
    Yes. You said that out loud, but its still our little secret!

    The Rev:
    This was way funnier than the Police Academy movies. Even though they were pretty god back in their day!

  • MJ

    Will you be spilling the dirt on the secret life of Random Chick?

  • Onion is nothing compared to Royters, especially their Entertainment pieces.

  • I need naked pics because I’m in moderation. You can never have the Rag in moderation. It’s all of me all of the time.

  • Meleah

    MJ:
    Never! I keep other people’s secrets in a Vault.

    C.Rag:
    If that’s what works for you. Run with it!

  • I remember as a kid shampoo was always getting in my eyes. kinda weird when you think about it, LOL.

    The onion is cool…very funny stuff.

  • cmk

    The BEST part about my comment? It IS absolutely true!

  • I think I used some of that this morning. LOL!

    I love this Onion thing. Thanks for sharing Meleah 😀

  • I love the Onion!

  • Jen

    Well you know I find this hysterical for MANY reasons. Thanks for sharing it. I laughed out loud and shared at work! AHAAHHAHA. Love it.

    PS: I love the Onion too!

  • Meleah

    Drowsey Monkey:
    Knowing your sense of humor I know you will really appreciate The Onion.

    CMK:
    That is AWESOME

    Nick:
    The Onion is always good for laughs

    Barbara:
    Me too!

    Jen:
    Oh I thought of YOU right away when I saw this!

  • The onion has some cool stuff and this is a solid example. The last line about divorce is classic and so true.

  • my boy needs to toughen up a bit. yesterday i scolded him and got nothing but tears. heart-wrenching, and i for one am tired of the heart being wrenched. so i am going to start using this shampoo post haste. that’ll knock the wimpies out of him for sure.

    oh my bob. as i wrote that, he came over and gave me a big hug.

    strength … weakening…. giving in to cuteness….

    aaaaerghhghg!!

  • I hope all is going well this weekend. Sorry I haven’t been around much. It doesn’t mean you’re not in my thoughts, though. xoxo

    btw, that Onion article is hilarious.

  • Meleah

    Ricardo:
    I love this magazine.

    HollyDolly:
    ha ha ha ha ha

    Epiphany:
    I completely understand!! Love you too sweety.

  • There are many kids who could have reaped the benefits associated with “Nothing But Tears”. Every teenager appearing on “Super Sweet Sixteen” immediately springs to mind.

  • Meleah

    All I know is The Onion is one of the best damn magazines around.

    Ive never heard of Super Sweet Sixteen? But, Im sure many children who become teenagers would benefit from a healthy dose of Nothing But Tears

  • I’m making my teenagers DRINK that effin shampoo!

  • Where’s my comment? Is it ‘cuz I said EFFIN?!?!? Gimme a frickin’ break….today is not going well….where’s that damn shampoo….I need a swig…

  • Meleah

    Olga:

    HA HA HA

    Your comments are here!

    I dont know why they went to moderation? I say FUCK in comments and my posts for heaven sake….and that doesn’t get denied!!

    Totally give your teenagers that shampoo

  • Okay, I have to do a little bit of bragging here. You see, I remember The Onion when it was an unknown free paper in Madison, Wisconsin. Believe me, it was just as hysterical back then (the 80’s) So now that it’s famous, I expect to be able to sell the 20 year old paper issues I have for a small fortune.

    One more thing: Mad Magazine recently ran a satire of The Onion which pointed out that there is a formula being used. Of course Mad has its own formulas. Don’t we all?

    Long live The Onion!

    http://letitblurt.wordpress.com/

  • Meleah

    Richard:
    I had no idea The Onion has been around for that long!
    Wow.

    Yeah, Id like to see your old archives!!

    I Live For My Weekly Onion Dose!

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