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The New Jersey Turnpike

To My Dear Sweet Highway,

I give up. You win. I will never beat you. I get it. You kicked my ass.

I’ve considered moving, in order to avoid you all together. But everywhere I go, there you are. Please stop trying to tempt me into playing that wicked game of team switching and forced rapid lane changes. I will loose every time, as you have proven once again.

After doing battle driving on you every day, twice a day, for five years now, you still manage to surprise me.

I will never figure out how you lured me in yesterday. Maybe it was those fresh painted lines? They cover your cracks so well, I forgot all about your infinite wisdom. You really had me going there for a while. You fooled me, but good, with those sexy wide-open lanes. It was nothing more than pure trickery when there appeared to be little to no traffic for a cool 10 miles. I had one gleaming moment of peace and silence in my head. I almost didn’t notice the chemical plants that stand roadside one after the other emitting carcinogenic fumes into our air, ruining the environment.

For a moment, dare I say, it was nice?

Then WHAM! You slut! You nailed me. And right where it hurt. I was too far past my escape exit, yet too close to my own exit. You must have noticed I’ve been using that secret alternate route. You must have been planning this for weeks, watching my every move, plotting for the perfect time to unleash your revenge. Damn you crafty one.

It was a well executed plan. First you caught me…you held me tight in your grip. Then, you made me pay. You had me trapped in the middle of a 13 mile back up, 4 car pile-up, and an over-turned dumpster to boot. You may be an old lady, but you are still a mighty strong bitch when you want to be.

As I sat still, practically parked, I watched the clock ticked slower than on any other day. Time actually stood still. There was no hope to be had. I was stuck in that mess for the long haul. I couldn’t even make my famous take-the-shoulder-move because you are under construction, what a surprise, you whore.

It took 49 minutes to travel 3 miles.

Fuck. You.

When it was all said and done, the painstaking crawl, moving inch by inch, each inch that you made me beg for, that’s when you showed me just how big your balls are.

You have the nerve to charge me money at the tolls? Instead, you should be serving hard liquor or handing out free prizes to those of us who actually made it to our destination exit.

Alas, I can’t play with you anymore, not like I used too. Not now, that I’ve reduced the points on my driver’s license from 21 down to 7. It was fun while it lasted.

I surrender.

You have beaten me into submission.

I will never expect to get to work or home on time ever again.

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  • this is so excellent… i avoid highways like the plague… and now i remember why!!!!!!!!

  • Meleah

    Paisley: I hate her! The NJTPK is a whore.

  • Sporto

    AHHHHHHHH Yes the Dumpster ….. Such a fun time …… I was stuck in the passenger seat of an Astro van and I’m 6’2. And So so many days I would drive north bound and look at the traffic I had to brave just to come home. Excellent job and Kudos to you for your words of wisdom and truth.

  • I’m going to drive down Highway 1, smile at the ocean view, spit into the wind and yell out the window “THIS IS FOR MEL!!!!” while accelerating down the fast lane at triple digit speeds….It’ll be our long distance Thelma and Louise moment, only instead of men, it’ll be about conquering the bitch that is congested freeways.

    Woo Hoo!!

  • The New Jersey Turnpike can be a lesson in humility and our insignificance. I am so glad you have surrendered to the Zen of it all:)

    ~Becky

  • Meleah

    Sporto: Hi, who ever you are. Thanks for dropping by!

    SomeGirl: HA HA HA.. I love it! Thelma & Louise long distance is hilarious! Man, you are the best laughter crack dealer!

    Becky: I had no choice. That bitch kicks my ass everyday!

  • Meleah that was hilarious….I know YOU are frustrated but you gave me such a laugh:) thanks!

  • This is one of the (few) things that makes me happy I live in the country…

  • Lis

    Excellent rant. I don’t drive but I’ve been stuck often enough in bad traffic to know how much it sucks.

  • Meleah

    Dawn: laugh it up! πŸ™‚

    Bloggrrl: I like cement more than trees, but shit like this makes me want to move!

  • jodi

    Well see now, that is just the perfect way to move forward(no pun intended)…give it the positive you dont bug me meh! Seriously…
    Okay will it work, I dunno, I still swim in my own road rage…Keep us posted!

  • Thanx for the comment on Lindsay Lohan–a topic I generally stay away from. I agree with you that she is the only one of the brats that does have talent–I was going to mention that, but didn’t want to act like a total tard in praising the girl.

    Hope your weekend is looking good.

    ~Becky

  • Meleah

    Jodi: Ha ha… just give in. you CANT beat her, its impossible.

    Becky: Your welcome.

    Lis: I try! Thank you!

  • Mereb, I’m at work right know (shhh) and I kept laughing out loud as I read this. It is HILARIOUS!! I love, love, love it!

  • Olly,

    she’s a real FUTHERMUCKER HEY?
    XOXOXOX

  • Meleah

    Olly! Hehehe

    HollyGL: Yeay! You can comment again! I’m glad I could make you smile / laugh.

  • JENNIFER

    this is great.
    your hilarious, all the time. even on the highways.

  • JENNIFER

    I cant wait til you can say goodbye to her.
    Its coming I can feel it.
    xooxooxoox

  • Believe it or not I don’t know how to drive!

  • FV

    Ohhh my dear Turnpike,

    You are a long and winding road, filled with assholes from New York who think they own the road, but all I ask is for you to give my dear friend Mel a break instead kick those New Yawkers drivers in the ass! I plead for your forgiveness, and I plead you go easy on Meleah from now on πŸ™‚
    As for me, thank you for being my road to IKEA for the last few decades, I really appreciate it.

    If you leave, do it with a blast BURN BABY BURN!!!!!

    πŸ™‚

    FV

  • Don’t highways/freeways suck? In a way, there aren’t so free ‘cuz they cost us so much time. I actually bitched, I mean blogged, about my highway today too.

    Found you via Lis’ Blog after you commented about how great Tina Fey is. I totally agree!

  • BTW, I forgot to say great letter!

  • “You have the nerve to charge me money at the tolls? Instead, you should be serving hard liquor or handing out free prizes to those of us who actually made it to our destination exit.”

    ROFLMAO

    Melz, you rule. I miss you. OH, and I whacked off most of my hair into layers. heh. Honey was surpsied.

  • Meleah

    Random: NO WAY. Driving can be really fun (when your NOT on the NJTPK!)

    Michael C: Hi! Welcome to my head. Oh I just I love Lis (and I love Tina Fey) they are some of the smart/funniest women around! I’m glad you liked my letter… I going to see your hihgway rant right now!

    Leslie: Good, I know you needed to laugh… I can’t wait to see the new do! xxx ooo

  • Thanks for stopping by! I don’t know about you, but out where we end every travel sentence by saying, ‘depending on traffic.’
    πŸ˜‰

  • WOW Excellent post, so well written Meleah!!!
    You are really good, very good, and this will be the post I’m going to read to my husband today…

  • LOL! I suffer a an ordeal very much like this to get to my job. I have to allow myself and 1/12 to a full 2 hrs to ensure that I arrive at work on time. It’s terrible because you don’t want to get fired for being late but what can you do? I’m glad I don’t need to drive on this evil, diabolical stretch of road. My the NJ TRNPK burn in hell for your sake and for the good of humanity.

  • Loz

    Same the world over πŸ˜‰

  • I used to feel exactly the same frustration driving on the motorway to and from work everyday in the UK! Argh!

    Then I moved to Australia (ok – admittedly a bit of an extreme solution!) and thankfully the traffic on my commute is now much better … aaahhh.

  • Meleah

    WooHoo! Welcome home RMH!

    Ricardo: πŸ™‚

    Loz: sucks right?

    Geedos:you are soooo lucky!

  • What a bitch…

    We have some of her kind over here, too.
    Evil, all of them…

  • Meleah

    Yes. she is the BITCH of all BITCHES. She is also unbeatable. Apparently.

  • Danny aka CBG

    To all of you who don’t know Mel personally..’This is A CLASSIC MELEAH RANT’.Whether shes ‘RANTING’ while cleaning her apartment(Which earned her the Nick-Name “Hurricane Meleah”)or Freaking out for waking her up before 2 pm.It’s just her and I love that about her.As you can tell it’s funny as hell to read,But even funnier to see the ‘Gale Force Winds’ that She creates on any givin ‘RANT’.Just one of the many reasons I missed the hell out of this women for the past 7 years.

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  • Hell-frigen-larious…..I know that bitch well and she’s got really big balls.

  • Ever since I ended up on the Pennsylvania Turnpike near King Of Prussia while starving for dinner, I avoid all Turnpikes. It was horrible! I wasn’t stuck in traffic but I COULDN’T GET OFF the turnpike for what felt like HOURS!

    I’ve heard about the Jersey Turnpike. While I like Jersey Boys (So cute! So helpful! So much hand-talking!) not so into turnpikes.

  • Meleah

    DeBoHoBo:
    I hate that whore of a highway!

    MsQ:
    The NJTPK is a fucking nightmare. I hate it! I mean I HATE IT!

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