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THE GEEK SQUAD?

I need the geek squad. (and because I have to write about something with a point. and try my hand at something with mild humor again?)

I want the geek squad. (and because I can’t operate, nor should I, all the wires and connections underneath my desk)

I must have the geek squad. Now!! (as long as they know what they are doing?)

HONESTLY… because I have NO! FUCKING! CLUE!

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(Leslie a.k.a my personal wizard of OZ! don’t freak out. I got YOUR message and I will FOLLOW YOUR directions because I am NOT ALLOWED to make computer decisions or choices or changes without your direction and approval. lesson learned)

I am willing to admit, I know SHIT about SHIT when it comes to computers; THIS IS ME:

I don’t know what configure means, I couldn’t tell the difference between an Ethernet and USB port (one is square? and one is flat?) You can? You cannot? Run both? Ethernet / USB from the same modem? Router? What? Huh? I don’t know what my IP address is. I don’t know shit about shit when it comes to computers. Not. Even. A. Little.


All I do know is, I want my shit to work, I want my shit to work right, and I want my shit to work all the time.

Is that too much to ask? (Okay…maybe all the time is too much to ask?)

Okay, once again, I am here to complain. (you lucky readers) As usual, shit just isn’t going my way.

and really I have to stop saying “SHIT” now.

Lets say THIS instead!

M’kay, here’s my latest nightmare. One that DOES NOT INCLUDE BEING SICK, FEELING SICK, OR EVEN LOOKING SICK! (Now you really ARE lucky readers)

I had a Dell PC computer (Hardwired desktop) my life was regular.

I got a MAC (Wireless laptop) and my life changed. (In oh-so-many-wonderful ways)

My PC was going to be for “work-related” things and for my son JCH to use for homework.

The MAC, well that’s just for me: (I don’t like to share, I am selfish.) MY MAC is for ME: for fun, for play, for writing, for making movies, blogging, my jillion photos, all my personal websites and emails.

At first, both computers worked.

At the same time.

AT THE SAME TIME.

Then for some reason, something happened along the way. Was it a power outage? Something… but, after whatever that “incident” was, (which for the life of me I cannot recall) But I could NOT have both the PC and the MAC working at the same time. And I couldn’t figure out how to reset or reconfigure anything.

No ‘tech person’ from either DELL, or APPLE, or CABLEVISION could help me, because I don’t know what they are saying when they give me directions.

There are alot of things THAT I am; yeah, I’ll say it, I am an attention whore, in constant need of validation. But, computer savvy, Oh hell- NO I AM NOT.

One place would tell me to call the other, or I would be directed to “Call my ISP.” HUH?

My “ISP” (after asking someone else, and it had to be explained to me that an ISP is an Internet Service Provider – I told you, I DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT when it comes to computers. I just appear to know what I am doing)

So, I called them. As it turns out, my “ISP” people don’t know jack squat about APPLE/MAC computers. So, after running around in circles and waiting hours on hold I gave up.

In light of the fact that I have no patience (I WANT IT, and I WANT IT NOW…while your at it, perhaps a golden goose daddy! Yes I am Veruica.)

Nor do I have the time to try to learn the terminology to fix things; I played with some wires and settings, ON MY OWN, when I discovered I could have ONE computer hooked up at a time.

ONE AT A TIME.

Not both. AT THE SAME TIME, like the week before.

Nope!

ONLY ONE AT A TIME.

FINE.

I am so in love with my MAC, I really only CARED about that working. I didn’t really care if the PC was shut down.

That was until, my son JCH, needed to use a computer for homework assignments, while I was busy on my MAC. Or, if I needed to use the PC myself, for “work-realted” things.

(nothing for “work” is loaded on the MAC, all my passwords and log-ins for work stuff are stored on the PC, and that’s how its staying. Work is not coming near the MAC.)

In order for me to use the PC, that meant, I had to shut down the MAC. (*tear*) Next, unplug all the wires, cables, modems, routers, airports, ect, ect, ect, that are underneath my desk. Then, be patient and wait 10 minutes (which is a VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME in my world) before I could re-plug the wires, cables, modems, routers, (no airport) and then hook up the PC.

(honestly, I don’t know if I have one, or the other, or both: a modem and/or router)

FINE.

When JCH was done with his homework, I would shut down the PC, unplug all the wires, cables, modems and routers, underneath my desk, wait another 10 minutes, re-plug everything back in, including the airport, WAIT that long ass TEN MINUTES and be able to hook up the MAC again.

FINE.

A pain in the ass, but fine.

Then, another added annoying feature entered my life.

Whenever my cordless phone rings, all the bars (the signal from the AIRPORT to the MAC) would start going down. Four full bars, down to three bars, down to two bars, down to no bars, down to kicked off the internet all together.

What? The? Fuck? Is? Happening? NOW?

As soon as my phone rings I have to hurry the fuck up and save whatever I am working on as fast as I can. Sometimes while I am using my computer, I pray the whole time, “NO ONE CALL ME, please phone DO NOT RING.”

I can be in the middle of uploading some odd 1,0000 photos in flickr, when I get KICKED OFF the Internet, and LOOSE !! all the uploads !! and titles!! (sometimes I don’t even re-title my pics because I’m worried that I will loose all the crafty names again)

I’ll be in the middle of writing an email, ready to send it off, when the phone rings, kicking me off. Sometimes, it saves the email as a draft in my outbox, and when I hang up the phone, all four full bars come back, and I can proceed to send emails.

Sometimes NOT.

Sometimes, I get kicked off when the phone rings, and when I hang up the phone, I am NO LONGER CONNECTED TO THE SERVER.

Where is my server? What is a server?

I DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT when it comes to computers!

When I am not connected to the server any longer… I have to SHUTDOWN my whole computer. AND UNPLUG all the wires, cables, power strips, airport, ect, ect ect ect ect ect… wait TEN MINUTES…Then, re-plug in all the wires, cables, power strips, airport, ect, ect ect ect ect ect… When I turn the MAC back ON, I have to perform a “Network Diagnostic” for my computer to recognize MY OWN WIRELESS NETWORK, IN MY OWN HOUSE, ON MY OWN COMPUTER(s)

I cannot deal with it anymore.

There are so very many things I cannot deal with anymore.

I just I want my shit to work, I want my shit to work right, and I want my shit to work all the time.

I want…no, I neeeeeeed…. a crew of people to come here, wire everything, for me, hook everything up, for me, MOVE furniture if they have to, I don’t care what HAS to happen for MY SHIT TO WORK!

I need to have BOTH the MAC & the PC working AT THE SAME TIME without having to switch wires, or shut down.

AT THE SAME TIME.

PLUS… I need a way, the capability, to TALK ON THE PHONE and USE MY MAC at the same time. How is it? That I can talk on the phone while I am on my PC, but I can NOT talk on the phone, OR even let the fucker RING when I am using my MAC?

It’s not like its 1992, and I have DAIL UP!! Dood, I am not going back in time, back in the day when you COULDN’T talk on the phone and use a computer.

Its 2007, I have “high speed CABLE internet” and I have a MAC, ya’d think shit would come correct… right?

I’m sure I need a different cordless phone with different mega/gigga whatever hertz or something, and I am even MORE sure it’s ALL. REALLY. VERY. SIMPLE. to fix the “not being able to have both computers working in my house”…… when the rest of the world can.

I just don’t know how to do it myself; I cannot follow directions I don’t understand!

Dood. I need the geek squad.

Or a LIVE person with mad crazy skillz, that can / will come here, look at the tangled wreckage, make sense of it all. Having good working KNOWLEDGE about BOTH MACS and PCS….. and FIX everything!! Oh, and be on call 24/7 to come back and fix things, when and if SHIT GETS FUCKED UP AGAIN.

Because it’s not like I need MORE STUFF TO DO. Or worry about. Or handle. FUCK!

Okay, offical complaint, whine, bitch and moan session OVER…

At least anyone crack a smile? Or am I sill too sick to be FUNNY? AT? ALL?

DONT WORRY… I DONT UNDERSTAND!

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  • Anonymous

    Hi sweetie!

    I read it every day!

    And everything you write is either one of three things.

    1. Humorous

    2. Intellegent (did I spell that right) LOL

    3. Interesting

    I love everything you write!

    I am so sorry you feel icky I hope you get better soon!

    Dood are you really a Veruka? LOL thats okay you seem like a sweet girl though. You need to find a guy that you can date and work on your puters at the same time then you will get off you dads coattails and make your mom happy!

    I liked the computer error messages. You always add such graphic life to your rants.

    Keep up the great work! I will keep validating it for you!

    Your buddy from afar – me…………..

  • meleah rebeccah

    Really?! I didn’t know you read me daily!!

    That’s like so-um-awesome-dood

    And this comment just made me feel GREAT

    Thanks for the VALIDATION

    Love that!
    Dig that!
    Apparently NEED that!

    Um, yeah…and a man! Thanks for reminding me!

  • Leslie

    You’re so cute. Follow my long-as-shit directions I left on your voice mail then call ne to let me know how it worked, or if it worked, and we’ll go from there, chica.

    🙂 xoxoxo 🙂

  • meleah rebeccah

    leslie!!!

    I promied I WOULD NEVER AGAIN DO OTHERWISE.
    your message has ben SAVED an RECORDED for FUTURE purposes as well

    LOVE YOU

    always “good lookin’ out!”

    xoxoxoox

  • Anonymous

    Yesterday’s post was quite the pleasent read my dear that much I can tell you now.

    It’s pretty funny and lengthy If I may?
    Anyone who has a wireless can relate .
    If you want to you have the option to bypass the router(wireless connection)
    and hard wire via usb straight into your modem.
    That way you can never get disconnected due to terrestrial interference.
    xoxoxo luvya

    olly

  • meleah rebeccah

    “If you want to you have the option to bypass the router(wireless connection)
    and hard wire via usb straight into your modem.
    That way you can never get disconnected due to terrestrial interference.”

    lalalalalal I cant hear you I DO NOT UNDERTSAND what THAT means

    but thanks, and I still love you

  • Anonymous

    I don’t know about anyone else, but I liked it.

    Loved the error messages!

    Don’t get to worked up about the computer problems…it is not your fault. It is just a girl thing…you know like being able to effectively handle a remote control, rewire a light, kill small crawly things.

    I had a similar router/modem delima when I set up my field office. Had the desktop to the ethernet, my laptop to the USB. Was told…don’t do that! but it was working, so fuck you I’m doing it! 2 days later the tsunami hit. Coincidence? I think not.

    Now I just let my IT guy do it and then I can blame him when everything fucks up. However I think I burned that bridge. Funny how guys get upset when you call them a pencil dick asshole and give him a wdegie…touchie little fag!

    Lately things have worked smoothly. I switched to verizon DSL who have the hottest ISP help desk chicks. I actually fuck things up myself just so I have to call again. (I know, I know, she is probably a 350 lb immagrant with bad skin, but she gives good phone!)

    JACK

  • meleah rebeccah

    JACK:

    you are a RIOT

    thanks for makin me laugh so hard I cried

    (IN A GOOD WAY!!)

    OMG!

    I cant, stop! laughing! hahahahah

    I will read this comment 25 times, that is FUNNY as hell!!

  • Anonymous

    I laughed my ass off..guess being an IT person (that is Information Technology) he he..couldn;t help it. I have heard everything from turn on the monitor to plug it in. I just laughed at the error boxes you had all through the message.. I wish they had stuff like that so it would at least make people laugh.. Being some one who can connect a dvd, vcr, and cable box along with having 3 different Picture and Pictures on the TV I even get frustruted at times with the computer. I had a problem with my router two weeks ago and took 2 hours plus on the phone with technical support from India who I had to ask him to repeat himself since I could understand one fucking word he was asking me to get my router reset. So what you wrote is so true to life that we all just want things to work without having to jump through hoops.

  • meleah rebeccah

    AMEN

  • Anonymous

    you kick ass…loved it… BFNC

  • Anonymous

    Now that’s more like it: a smartass Meleah with a touch of the old attitude. How dare your stuff not work! Seriously, we all hit artistic speed bumps but that never means that the talent is gone. What I’ve learned is that you just keep writing and, eventually, it all comes back. However, if you don’t keep at it, it doesn’t get the chance to come back. So, that’s the key – not stopping. I’m still a fan and know what you can do. And I’m here when you need/want me, K?
     
    Al

  • Anonymous

    okkkay!!

    your always funny though!

    lots of love!

    QUINN

  • Marc

    Thats some funny shit, and having once been the unofficial office IT guy, I feel your pain. I grew up on Macs, haven’t used one since ’99 (still have a G5 laptop and G5 Desktop that haven’t been turned on in over 4 years) and couldn’t tell you shit from shineola with them now.
    I let the IT dorks deal with my problems now. Which includes a message every single fucking time I open Outlook “Data file “marc podell” not closed properly. Being checked for problems” which takes anywhere from 4 – 10 minutes to do.
    And the IT guys have tried everything to fix it and nothing works, now they just shrug and look at me stupidly. (and somehow they still keep their jobs even though they SUCK at it).

    Chow Bella

    marc

  • Anonymous

    honey, you’re a fabulous writer!!!! I love reading
    your stuff. No one in the world writes with your kind
    of style. And it’s just great. and I be 2/3 of the world could relate to your frustration!!!

    I love you…KEEP WRITING..it’s one of your gifts.

    Uncle Rick

  • meleah rebeccah

    aw… RICK!! Thank you!!!

  • meleah rebeccah

    WELCOME BACK AL!

    hope all is well with you as well!!

    and yeah, I am a much better SMART ass !!!

  • meleah rebeccah

    Can I have IT people LIVE in my house? and thier sole purpose in life will be to make all my electronics WORK at all times?

    or no?

    I wouldnt even ask them to help fold the laundry.

  • Anonymous

    Yes it is very humorous. I was laughing my ass off. Good stuff cuz.

    Love you,
    Me oxoxoxox

    (shelly)

  • Anonymous

    to find out what your IP adress is go to….

    http://whatsmyip.org/

    and it will show your IP adress on top.

    I think you may have a static IP instead of a dynamic IP addy….

    Static means that it will always be the same IP not matter what. unless you move to a different house or something. LOL

    FV

  • meleah rebeccah

    la la la la (i cant HEAR you) la la la (dont understand)
    la la la (dont want to understand) la la la la (just want some one ELSE TO FIX IT)

  • Anonymous

    Meleah,

    So I read every word on your blog and all I can say is this:

    I know a few tricks on PC’s but not on MAC’s, if you need my help just ask and I will devote myself to your needs..( aka giving you 100% the needed attention you deserve).

    Ask me and If I know the answer I will tell you honestly.

    So let me add this to the subject…..

    If I don’t know the answer I can always look it up on the WEB so in any case I will do my best to help you.

    huggies.,

    FV

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