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The Donut

This better be the last day I have to drive with the DONUT on the car. Seriously. Donuts were made to get you to a gas station. They are not intended to travel on the NJTPK twice a day every day. I have been patient. (I have been with the shitty tire, since last Friday morning… that’s a full 8 trips up and down the pike.)

I have even driven with CRUISE CONTROL to maintain the 50mph restriction (because I am incapable of driving that speed.) I looked at the speedometer and I was moving at a cool 70 without even realizing it. Sudden panic attack…..imagining the donut exploding and sending me into oncoming traffic head- on- into- a concrete divider ….leaving me decapitated, mangled, bursting in to flames and dead on the side of the road and the only thing left to identify my body are the two saline bags with serial numbers and the boob card I carry in my Louis Vitton card case.. So, I have to implement cruise control to live.

Also, driving at 50mph, MAKES.ME.LATE.EVERY.DAY.

I want to publicly apologize to every commuter that travels on the NJTPK that has ridden up on my ass flashing lights and aggravated because I am responsible for fucking up the flow of traffic. I don’t drive like that. I have to drive like that. SOOOOOOOORRRRY!

Dear fellow NJTPK drivers,

If you see me, or my sad Hyundai, please just go around. I am aware the speed limit is 65mph and I should be moving at, at least 70 even in the right lane. I am aware that I am in your way. I am aware that you hate my guts and have no idea why I am driving like that, and you are probably wondering if I am an old person. Then, when you see I am not in fact handicapped, or 80, you are completely confused as to who the hell gave me a driver’s license if I can’t even merge. You are right! I have no business being on that highway driving that speed. If you have alternate routes for me, please feel free to email them and kindly attach mapquest directions. Or, if you’d like to buy me a new tire, feel free to make a contribution. Otherwise, shut the fuck up, leave me alone, and go the fuck around me.

I hate this tire:

As you can tell… I’m real HAPPY about all this….

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  • meleah rebeccah

    You have no idea how happy it makes me to know not only do you READ my blog, but you ENJOY it…

    Thank you!

    Thank you!

  • Anonymous

    Another great blog. In fact, this one is better than the ‘sons’ one. I especially enjoyed the last sentence in your apology letter to other drivers. Perfect – the timing and everything. Thanks for the yuks.
     
    Al

  • Anonymous

    It’s like being part of some adventure, y’know? Your take on things Is funny and, if not that, interesting. Add that to the pictures and it’s kind of a day at the movies. That’s not exactly what I’m trying to say but maybe you can understand. There’s a real sense of, ‘look at this!; now, look at this! over here now!’ You took an experience with a flat tire (who hasn’t had one?!) and made it entertaining! I hope in my soul that you realize that about yourself. You’re not afraid to expose yourself; in fact, you point at yourself! You’re a gem!!
     
    Al 

  • meleah rebeccah

    Thank you!

    If I cant laugh at myself… I would be a miserable person! I have to make things funny…

  • Leslie

    I feel your pain, Melz. After riding on my four bald tires for months I finally bit the bullet and dropped, uh, a LOT on four new ones. OUCH.

    xoxo

  • meleah rebeccah

    Leslie… a MONTH! on baldies?! ouch!

    And WHY is RUBBER so expensive? Why do tires cost so much?!

  • Anonymous

    I think I saw you on the turnpike last week when I was going to work.

    You gave the finger when you flew past me at some insane, beakneck, speed…probably exceeding 40 or even 45 miles an hour.

    Personnaly I prefer a nice safe 35 so that I know I will arrive at my final destination safe and sound, and free of stress.

    jack

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