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Texas Chili Cook Off

Oh how I love the internet. I was reading one of my favorite bloggers when I saw a link suggesting I pay a visit to this blogger who is very lovely from what I can tell, so far. Which, in turn, led me to this blogger who had posted an email she received.

Well. I have to admit I really didn’t think I would laugh as hard as the other people claimed to have laughed. I mean, who REALLY needs a tissue from laughing so hard? Okay so maybe this guy and this guy have caused real tears from laughter from time to time. But I digress.

Anywho. I literally lost it when I was reading this. I mean my rib cages still hurt. And that’s NOT the painkillers talking. (I’m not taking those anymore. Pay Attention People!)

This is one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read. I hope someone can tell me who the original author is? Otherwise I may be Goggling & Wikipediaing all damn day.

Okay. For real. Here we go:

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fellar, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 – No Report

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  • oh, that was a goody.. i have never read it before so i have no clue of its origin,, but i am glad you posted it so i could enjoy it.

  • Were there any quetzaltenango peppers in the chili?

  • Awww yes! All those Chili recipes are indeed something, Texans do have a flair for Chili – LOVED the recipe names, specially Number 8!. Feel for poor Frank… maybe he would be better suited to judge a Hotdog Eating contest at Coney 🙂

  • I have eaten one of those Lip Remover Chilis. I swear. My lips were swollen and sore for a week. This was absolutely hilarious. Thanks for a great laugh!

  • That’s hysterical!!!! I was in tears!

  • hi there! thanks for the nod, meleah. i went to borders bookstore yesterday. guess what book i picked up? yup. i sat in the cafe to read a few pages, as is my custom before i buy a book. and sure enuf, i was giggling out loud (trying unsuccessfully not to call attention to myself). thanks again! 🙂

  • OMG!!! That was hilarious!! How some people right humor so well, I’ll never understand. That was a great start to my Saturday, Mereb. Thanks! xoxo

  • Living in Texas, I had seen this before, and the first time I read it I was in tears.

    I totally with poor judge # 3. People sure like their chili spicy around here.

  • Meleah

    Paisley:
    Whee!

    Angry Man:
    Good question.

    Rog:
    I really loved this part:
    “You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach”

    Selma:
    I would die if I ate some kind of flaming chili like that.

    Chef Mom:
    SEE!!

    Maria:
    Sweet! Im so glad you bought that book. One of my favorite lines is
    “Looked Like Buck Wheat In A Head Lock”
    Let me know when you get to that point in the book.

    HollyGL:
    That joke really was the best way to keep the good mood of this weekend!

    Ingrid:
    I died the first time I read this. I loved this part:
    “Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.”

  • Lee

    That was great! I’ve had Texas chili though and it’s not all that spicy. The last time I had it I only sweated off 5 pounds. Really good chili should have you losing at least seven pounds in water weight.

  • I’m not sure where it originated; I first saw it printed out back before the internet was popular, during the early 1990’s. It still makes me laugh.

  • Oh that was toooo funny…it was an honest-to-god, hearty belly laugh. You da bomb, thanks for making me laugh.

  • Meleah

    Lee:
    Yikes. You are a BRAVE man.
    xxoo
    I really enjoyed your last photo challenge. You should do more of those. Great Job.

    BobG:
    Wow. This came out THAT long ago. Its hysterical.

    SomeGirl:
    I knew THAT would cheer up the bunch of us – in need of a good laugh.
    Go check your email (from me!)

  • Ok, when I read a blog and people tell me “this was funny”, I usually give it a smile and move on… This one! Made my stomach hurt it was so damn funny!!!

  • Lee

    I’ll be doing more, but I’m going to have to find a funding source for the T-shirts. Want to donate?? 🙂

  • Checked…right back at cha’.

  • Meleah

    Ricardo B:
    I know. I never think things are AS funny as other people claim they are. This one? Classic.

    Lee:
    Yes. I have an entire store front full of t-shirts. You can feel free to email me the picture and the words you want used on a t-shirt. I will create the t-shirts, email you a sample of what they look like and you can finalize the design. I will show you a fake/sample tee. I will take a photo from your flickr account and makeup a FAKE t-shirt (to email it to you.) This way, you can see what I am talking about. Might take me a few days but I will get that done.

    Some Girl:
    Sweet. Got it. Replied. Love You.
    Keep Writing.
    xxoo
    :0

  • HA! I remember this e-mail! What’s funny, is that we had a “chili-day” at work the very next day. There wasn’t a straight face in the office during lunch!

  • thanks for making me cry

  • Meleah

    Darrin:
    Shut Up, Wow. I need to get a job where you work.

    Tiffany:
    I know. There should be a waring sign for women that reads:
    ‘Do Not Read This Post While Wearing Eye Makeup”
    Its too much to handle.

    It doesn’t start out THAT funny. But then it just takes off.

  • we had pringles today that promised spiciness of the death-defying kind but *delivered* nothing of the sort. seriously if *i* can eat them, they are not spicy in the slightest.

    i should be complaining to pringles. or on my blog. soon. soon my pet.

  • good job he didn’t taste mine..:)))

  • Lee

    Meleah: You misunderstood. I have a source for T-shirts, I’m looking for a funding source! 🙂

  • funny, but you know what, sounds like something i would love to try. i love hot and spicy!

    i’ll take the credit (and my royalty check) for writing if you can’t find its owner. 🙂

  • Jen

    Ahahah, yes I’ve read this one in email before. Very funny – thanks for sharing! 🙂

  • Meleah

    HollyDolly:
    Pringles straight up lied to you?

    Robert:
    I bet yours is goody good

    Lee:
    Oh. Yeah I could use my OWN funding to free me from my office life

    Valerie:
    I used to LIVE for spicy. Now my stomach cant handle things like this
    🙁

    Jen Rinaldi:
    Cracked me up.

  • cmk

    No words…just OMG!!!

  • I’m not a chili person and some of the chili dishes we have over here are equivalent to toxic waste! LOL! But the post was hilarious … LOL!

  • That is funny. And you know what made me laugh also? The fact that I can’t sleep and when I first saw the title, I thought you wrote “Texas Chain saw Massacre.”

    LOL! Don’t mind me. Carry on!

  • Meleah

    CMK:
    I know!
    hahahhahahah

    Nick:
    I used to LOVE spicy foods.
    But these sound like they might kill a person!

    Ricardo:
    ha ha ha
    I hate horror movies.
    I mean I HATE them.
    Wont watch em.
    Cant do it.

  • Pretty crazy, and I have been to an actuall Texan chilli cook off years ago in San Angelo, Texas. And it IS crazy. Thank god for the beer to wash it down!

  • Meleah

    Oscar:
    I cant even imagine.
    Those Texans are crazy.

  • I was so out of it but just couldn’t sleep. I saw the flick a few days ago. It was on the other night. It’s a silly film. You did not miss anything.

  • Meleah

    Ricardo:
    Still. I cant watch ANY remotely scary movie. I am a BABY. I get so scared so easily. Like its real. I cant do it!

  • This is really funny!

  • Meleah

    RMH:
    Glad you enjoyed this one!

  • Love this…thanks for sharing a funny piece!

  • Meleah

    Your very welcome!!

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