Last week ‘The Parents’ went away on their respective Annual Ski Trips. My mother ventured out to Vermont for a week with the girls, and my father flew out to Canada for a week with the guys. Leaving yours truly in-charge of the household.
My first thought was, ‘Finally, I am going to get in some much needed alone time!’ But, that relaxing thought was immediately followed by, ‘Oh Snap! WE’RE ALL GUNNA STARVE’.
You see; my father does most of the cooking around here because he’s really good at it. I mean it’s almost impossible for us to go out to eat in a restaurant since we’ve been spoiled by the gourmet caliber of delectable delights my dad creates almost on a daily basis.
And, it’s no secret that I’ve struggled inside of a kitchen. Cooking for me is about as natural as a fish building a fire.
But there I was with two hungry people also known as: my 13-year-old son JCH, and my 89-year-old Grandfather Poppa Sye. And I was responsible for feeding them. Let the adventures begin.
Monday night, I managed to pull off dinner quite easily. I made my usual stand-by meal that has always been a huge success. Pork Chops and Mashed Potatoes. It’s simple and it’s delicious if I do say so myself.
Tuesday night? Well, let’s just say that presented with a few challenges.
I opened the refrigerator half expecting to find something fabulous and already made. Sadly, that was not the case. In fact, the inside my refrigerator never looked so empty. Aside from the shelves overloaded with condiments, there wasn’t as much as a head of lettuce to be found. And, Bacon Flavored Ranch Dressing is only good if you have something to pour it on!
I remained hopeful the freezer would reveal a secret stash of yummy goodness just waiting to be cooked. But, I couldn’t find a scrap of meat or a chicken breast anywhere. All that was in the freezer were a few bags of frozen vegetables. Had there been any rice in the house, I may have been able to work with that. But of course, we were fresh out.
I wondered aimlessly over to the pantry with my fingers crossed. And once again, I was greeted with emptiness.
Son-of-a-bitch!
Rummaging desperately through cereal boxes, and cookies, I started to panic. There wasn’t a whole lot I could do with a jar of Mandarin Oranges and a half eaten box of Oreos.
[Side bar: Dear Mom & Dad,
Thanks for going away on vacation and leaving empty cupboards and a vacant refrigerator behind. Don’t worry about us. We’ll be just fine. Love, the hungry people.]
Forty minutes into my quest for food, I noticed a box of Penne Pasta hidden behind an empty box of crackers and immediately felt relieved. Ah yes, pasta would be perfect.
I raced over to the cabinets, pulled out the biggest pot and started boiling water. I quietly hummed a tune to myself while adding just enough Olive Oil to the water ensuring the pasta wont stick. I was prematurely confident that I would be capable of making an edible meal.
I took out a second pot and placed it on the stove – which WOULD HAVE been used to cook the gravy. EXCEPT that when I went back to the pantry I realized, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY SAUCE. And we didn’t have ANY TOMATOES.
Fuck!
Now what?
Staring blankly into the pantry my mind raced. I searched high and low for anything that could be added to pasta other than tomato sauce. Because while I love me some Chinese Food, I am pretty sure I am not supposed to add Soy Sauce or Teriyaki to PENNE pasta. Right?
By sheer luck, I located a single jar of Roasted Red Peppers, two jars of Artichoke Hearts, and one can of Black Olives, which I found conveniently hiding in the metal cabinets of the garage. [Right next to the paint cans. W.T.F.?] At least I knew I could slice and dice them up to add to the pasta for color and flavor, but I still needed to figure out some kind of saucy mixture.
I went back to the kitchen and spun the Lazy Susan filled with every imaginable spice when I happened upon a bowl of fresh garlic cloves. And that’s when my Inner Italian took over. I peeled, sliced and washed the cloves, grabbed my father’s garlic press and crushed until my hearts content. I took out a frying pan, threw in some Olive Oil and Chicken Broth, sprinkled a dash of Crushed Red Pepper and simmered the garlic until browned.
Unsure of how this would taste when combined together, I wisely called upon my fearless 13-year-old son to test the food. Before handing him a plate, I grated some Romano Cheese and lighted covered his dish.
He took one bite, while I anxiously waited for the expression on his face to cringe. Much to my surprise, my son’s green eyes lit up and he said, “Mom, this is really good. In fact, it’s almost as good as Grandpa’s food.” My son continued to shovel heaping spoonfuls of the pasta into his cake hole.
At first I thought he was exaggerating, or just trying to be polite. But then I saw my son eat an Artichoke Heart. And that’s when I knew with utmost certainty my dinner was indeed fantastic. Because my son? Hates, loathes, abhors, artichokes.
I proudly served the meal to Poppa Sye, who, by the way, could not stop raving about just how scrumptious he thought it was. In-between bites Poppa Sye kept calling me, “Femme Di’ Casa” which means ‘Woman Of The House’ in Italian and is the highest form of compliment.
Seriously people. Dinner was nothing short of a miracle.
Oh!
But, I didn’t stop there.
Wednesday and Thursday, I also made dinners [and practically out of thin air] that also were pretty darn good. [Said the girl patting herself on the back.] I did have to take one trip to the grocery store, because there are endless options when it comes to making chicken. [Yanno, as long as I don’t use any flour.]
But, by Friday night, after cooking – for four days in a row? I just wanted to order in pizza.
I am happy to report ‘The Parents’ have returned home, the fridge is now full, as is the pantry. And, I am really looking forward to my father’s cooking! Because I am totally ready to hang up my apron. [At least until the next time The Parents go away!]
You go, girl! How great was that. And you had doubts you could do it–but I knew you had it in you all along. 😉
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Do I sense a theme building steam here ? HEY !!! I finsished Dexter Season 4 1 – 12. Of course I wont ruin anything for you in case you haven't seen the finale but WOW !! F'ing WOW (And I don't swear much). I have a cable company down here called Brighthouse. You can add or delete or change whatever you want, whenever you want with no penalty. No year long contract, it is really cool (since I am used to Comcast). Anywho, I added ShoTime just to watch Season 4 and it was worth every penny of $10.98. Let me know if you caught S4 yet.
PS I worked in South Philly for 10 years and YOU said “Gravy” HA ! you must really be Italian. Nobody in Philly ex those of Italian heritage (in S. Philly) says gravy for spag sauce. I prefer gravy myself.
PPS Your creativity is just finding its outlet in ways in addition to writing !! I truly believe the main “ingredient” in good cooking is Caring.
Im actually getting GOOD at cooking. But, let's NOT tell my parents!
xoxoxo
Hey you, I've seen every Dexter ever. Repeatedly. And yes, the season finale is off the hook. My father who is NEVER surprised by ANYTHING literally jumped off the sofa. Can't wait till next season starts!
As far as my cooking theme? Yes, it's all new for me and I am getting better and better every time! As shocking as that may be.
Oh. And, it's always GRAVY! Never Sauce!!
🙂
I “think” about cooking all the time, but usually don't. Does a steak on a countertop grill count?
mmmmm. steak.
You made me laugh. A nice and refreshing story. Like your other ones. That is why I put you in “My Favorite Blogs”.
Thank you! I like when I can make other people smile or laugh when they read
a blog post of mine! Glad to be one of your favorites!
You actually are a very good cook because the test of a good cook is to see how they make something from virtually nothing and YOU PASSED. That pasta meal sounded delicious. Good on you!
appplause…applause…applause!
You GO, girl!!!
OMG, as I was reading this I couldn't help but see how similar we are. I too am Italian and I too struggle inside of the kitchen – BIG time! I never got the Italian cooking gene.
Cooking for me is about as natural as a fish building a fire.
HAHAHAHAHAHA…that's a riot!
I cook like you too. I see whatever I have in my fridge and cabinets and just create “whatever”, and most of the time it tastes pretty darn good. Of course, there's only me I live with, so I could also be a little bias – HA!
But, hey…I have starved to death yet.
Great post!
P.S. I love Artichoke Hearts!!!
See? It's not THAT hard. You are awesome…
You did me proud lady.
I was recipe and FOOD free! So I suppose I AM a good cook!
Thanks Selma!
xoxoxo
Usually? I MUST work with a recipe and my food still comes out barely
edible. I think I did a better job NOT having any directions.
OMG Artichokes are sooooofa king good, I have no idea why my son doesn't
like them! But, he ATE them and he LIKED them for the first time ever!!
And YAY! It's about time that I met a fellow Italian who can't cook!
Now that is a HUGE compliment coming from YOU my dear!
OMG Dexter season ender this year was effing amazing!! Totally got me, I didnt expect that at ALL!!!!
Hello??? Who's refridgerator is that clean?? Ever?? lol
Way to go feeding the men! I dont have to think about dinners anymore since my kid is out of the house. The day after she left for the Navy I brought stock in cereal. My all time favorite dinner is cereal. Pathetic or what?? lol It makes me happy tho. I hate cooking!!!
I know!! I was left flabbergasted LITERALLY. For days.
Ahahhahahah. Well, since we've just *met* you haven't read any stories about my obsession to clean constantly and my need to make everything shiny – all the time!
Cereal for dinner ROCKS! For real. And once my son is Out Of The House, I can promise you I will go back to having most of my meals delivered and eating out! Although, since I has such a great streak of luck this past week in the kitchen I am starting to feel a little differently about cooking!
Right on, Mereb! Nicely done. That sounds like it was delicious. I might just give it a whirl myself!
It was sooo delicious you MUST try it!
Have I told you how NICE it is to see you back online again? Because it IS!
xoxoxo
Hi! You cracked me up totally with this story that so reminded me of when we would leave our teenager children up to their own devices. Not that we left them without food, as everything they needed was in the vegetable bin and the freezer.
Desperation is the mother of invention, with you and my kids coming through when it counted! Take Care – Peter
Way to go Mel. Never let a little thing like a bare cupboard and empty refrigeratpor slow you down. The Marines have a mantra that you seem to follow: “Improvise Overcome & Adapt”. You can surprise yourself when put to the test.
Must be a little cook inside trying to get out.
Next up on Iron Chef: Meleah the Pasta Prima Donna
That's how my fridge looks half the time with my two hungry dinosaurs around … LOL!
I am totally impressed; despite the S.O.B and F%^&. LOL! I have to find a woman as resourceful as you. Damn! You made me want to taste the pasta. 😀
You'd be amazed at what you can create with the scrapings from those shelves.
You usually need ketchup, though.
Wow..such a good coke..Well, you are amazing..I can't cook myself. 😀
Im glad I gave you a chuckle!
Ahahahahhaha.
Iron Chef!
I hate grocery shopping so much I always let my fridge run down to nothing!
Aw! Thank you!
OMG I hate ketchup!
I just started learning how to cook a little over a year ago. It takes time and practice!
a.) Poor Rita, I guess you know John C. Hall was recently treated for cancer.
b.) I just cleaned my refrig out after like 8 months ;>(
c.) I LOVE food shopping. Always have, always will. “Will Food Shop for Cash”
d.) I'm tellin your rents ;>)
That's awesome! Isn't it great to know that you can cook if you want to now?
I remember when my inner Italian first kicked in. All, I could think was, 'My Grandpa will be so proud!'
I love to cook when we're entertaining, otherwise, no cooking for me.
I also loathe, loathe, loathe grocery shopping.
Rock on sister!
See, cooking is easy; you just needed some inspiration.
1. Of course I do! What kind of TV Junkie do you take me for! Ahahha
2. I love ALL THINGS CLEAN – All The Time!
3. You can go food shopping for ME anytime. I hate it!
4. Dammit!
Thanks Gina!
I like the fact that when your Inner Italian comes out it makes you think of your grandpa!
I miss ENTERTAINING. I haven't had as much as a dinner party since I moved in here. And grocery shopping = total nightmare!
I guess so! Thanks Bob!
Wait, you guys know he's married in real life to his “sister on the show” Deb aka: Jennifer Carpenter right?? I just found that out recently so I feel smart now. =)
Yes. I did know that! I love all things Dexter so I spend quite a bit of
time reading up about their personal lives too!
Deb ….. Oh mother fuckin SHIT !! HAHAHAHA I personally try to limit the cussin, but I find Deb to be hilarious. I have had a few female friends just like her and they were/are warm wonderful people who just like to express themselves in a “Salty” kinda way, its all GOOD !
OK, Mbeck (I am making up a new street name 4u ;>) I am throwin down the gauntlet. I bet you I know more about BH 90210 (The Original) than you. Waddya say ? (Apparently I have 2 much free time)
That pasta sounds delicious! Looks like you inherited your father's culinary skills without even knowing! Now I'm hungry!
EXCELLENT! Wow, that first dish sounded amazing. You know what I hate though? It seems on the weekend nights mom is not over, I make something FABULOUS. Then I try to recreate it for her later and it is horrible. Or I accidently make a “white” dinner – everything on the plate is white. I am NO Martha Stewart. But it sounds like you might be!
Deb is my FAVORITE character on Dexter! And I limit my cussing on the internet, but I do curse a lot in Real Life.
I bet YOU DO know more about BH 90210 [the original] but I am up for the challenge. Bring. it.
My dad is GREAT with recipes and my mom is better at throwing things together! But, at least I am doing SOMETHING to feed the people in my house!
I was hungry after looking at the STEAK on YOUR blog. Yummmmmmm!
“I make something FABULOUS. Then I try to recreate it for her later and it is horrible.”
OMG! That is MY Life Story!
Ahahhahaahhahaa
That meal sounded seriously good. I wish I had been a guest at your table.
It sounds like you thrive under pressure. You're a true jazz musician!! Master of improv!
Funny post!
Oh, bravo, Meleah! I'm proud of you! You conjured up a tasty dinner out of nothing and people ate it! Yay for you! LOL! Seriously, I'm impressed. Now, the question is, would you be able to cook up the same meal again? Cos, you know, one day they're going to ask. 😉
Love this bit “Cooking for me is about as natural as a fish building a fire.”
Ahahaha! I know exactly what you mean, luv.
Thanks!
Oh Man, I dont think I will EVER be able to recreate that! Im glad you are sounding/feeling better Jay!