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Starting OVER

I don’t even know how it happened. All I know is that it did happen. I am ashamed, and embarrassed to say this. But, I slipped. I made it 5 whole days. And now, I fucked it all up.

It was like as soon as I got home from work and my 10 year old son went off to his fathers for a weekend visitation, I wanted to ‘reward’ myself for a job well done. So what did I do? I fucking smoked! Some reward…lung cancer, emphazema, and death…

I feel terrible. I felt so terrible I couldn’t even get out of bed until 330pm today.

I just laid in bed feeling guilty and wondering, “How am I going to admit to my parents, my son, and even the QNET that I wasn’t strong enough, or smart enough to call for help, or log into the website?”

I am a dumbass.

However, it is another day and I do have the new script for CHANTIX.

(maybe something new will help?)

I am going to have my first cup of coffee, wake the fuck up, read the directions of the new medication, call the 800 number on the purple card that came with the box…..

and THEN…I have to go and “tell on myself”… to my mom and dad, and go reset my “quit-date” in QNET.

CONGRATS to my BIG SISTER LESLIE….9 DAYS!!! As usual, You ROCK!

(“If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself of and try again, try again”…Aliyah)

This is so much harder than I ever anticipated.
——————————————————–

So now that I have had coffee, brushed my teeth washed my face, joined the world again, I have been plagued with the question all damn day…To quit? Or not to quit? Or, another question would be,“Is there a such thing as ‘Rational Smoking’?”

Okay, so I made it five days. Things were good, things were bad, things were hard, I was pissed, things were funny, and then…. I posted a really depressing post that I probably need to delete last night.

And yes, I still feel crappy as all hell that I cheated and smoked Friday night. Thus the “beating myself up” post(s).

But, I’m getting over it. Thanks to the comments and people over on QNET

So I finally looked at the pack of cigarettes… I smoked way less than I thought I had. Which doesn’t make my fuck up any better, but, then again, it kinda-sorta-does. In a “I didn’t smoke that much, so it’s not that bad.” kind of way.

Now here I am, having to do this all over again. Although I haven’t smoked YET today, nor do I know if I will.

Do I really want to quit smoking? Why did I slip?

On the surface, YES. I know I want to quit smoking. I want to live to see my son graduate, get married and have children of his own. Plus, I want to live to do all those things without being attached to an oxygen tank. I want my clothes, house, skin, teeth, and body to smell and feel better.

But I don’t think I can go from 2 packs a day to NOTHING all at once.

Some people can. Some people are cold turkey capable. NOT.ME. (I think the cold-turkey people are absolutely crazy.)

Although its in my possession, I haven’t tried the CHANTIX that people on QNET and other places are RAVING about.

I opened the prescription and saw this (Currently, I am FREAKED OUT)

If you can’t READ it… let me para-phrase the possible side effects:
(yes! I know! smoking! has! WORSE! side effects!… but still….)

Constipation, drowsiness, diarrhea, dry mouth, gas, headache, tender or bleeding gums, nausea, unusual and strange dreams, taste changes, trouble sleeping, or vomiting, vision changes, weight gain, dizziness, joint or muscle pain, stomach pain, yellowing of the skin or eyes, kidney and or liver failure.

Right! Hey, I already have gas, constipation and or diarrhea thanks to Crohn’s disease, like I needs some more stomach issues.

Then it states… IT MAY TAKE SEVERAL MONTHS for this medication to work.

Um… now-this-is-not-so-much-the-magical-pill, I was hoping for.

Several months? Wont I be used to not smoking in several months anyway? Then the medication / makers of the said product want the credit! Fuck you!

I am considering a few different options. Because I think I am making it too hard in myself. It’s like if I say “I’M QUITTING” and I mess up, than I am weak, and useless, and blah blah blah who?needs the extra self abuse? That only makes me want to smoke more.

So, I can either try to do what I did last week all over again (which didn’t work, but I was only using the patch that stuck to everything other than my body)… Start my quit date again and right now. Go and investigate the real website, read the testimonials on Chantix, actaully call the 800 number. And take the new scary pill first thing in the morning. Try not to fail this time around.

Or,

Instead of placing huge amounts of pressure and stress upon myself… start with the cutting down idea of ‘rational smoking.’

This year make my goal to be only to smoke 4 cigarettes a day. Next year 4 cigarettes a month. The following year, 4 cigarettes a year. And finally by year 4, I will be able to quit?

Huh? No…? bad idea?

Okay maybe it wont take 4 years to really quit.

I have no idea what I am going to do.

I sure don’t feel like smoking right now. I have been up and functioning for a good 6 hours without smoking, and I haven’t smoked at all since last night at 2am, for a total of 19 hours all together. That’s a start.

I’m going to take my mind off this topic completely. No more questions. No more confusion. Okay, I messed up. It’s over.

I will spend the rest of my night doing something productive. Read a good book, or read some of my other favorite blogger posts! Take a bath! Watch a movie! Oh I know… DRAW! Yes! Anything! that has nothing to do with smoking!

Thanks for all the support and help!

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  • Anonymous

    Welcome back, hang in there

    Qmember

  • meleah rebeccah

    Thank you… but I cant stop beating myself UP

  • Anonymous

    Good for you for jumping back on that horse!! View it as a learning experience that will make you stronger this go around. Don’t beat yourself up….your glass is still half full. You’re here aren’t you?? You can do this. There are to many people here who are LIVING proof of that. Stay strong!!

    Qmemeber

  • Anonymous

    hey! be kind to yourself, you’re here right?
    ask the former smokers you know how many times they tried to quit before they got it right –
    i must have has at least 7 tries, none of which lasted more than 5 days. and now i have almost 500 days. if you believe you can do it, you can do it

    a fresh start is just the thing

    welcome back to the quit – the past is gone and today’s quit is a totally different animal from the last one

    qmember

  • meleah rebeccah

    I know not everyone gets it on the first TRY… and I am being too hard on myself.. I am here, I am back, I am starting OVER…

    I thought since I made it through the “hardest days” It would get easier on me, but it hasn’t.

    frustrated and dissappointed

  • Anonymous

    Dont worry about it sweetie. Just start again you can do it. I am not even going to tell you the whys and why nots you will hear that on the Q. What I am going to tell you is that I am always here for you anytime night or day okay.

    It is probably the hardest thing you will ever do.

    🙂

    Harry

  • meleah rebeccah

    I had no idea HOW hard this was going to be…

    I just READ the SIDE EFFECTS that CHANTIX may cause, and that alone makes me RATHER SMOKE than try to take that

    what is the matter with me!

  • Anonymous

    My friend.

    The hardest days are the first 30 days.

    We are going to do it together.

    After the first 30 days it gets easier but it is still work.

    We are going to do it together.

    You made it 5 days and that is an accomplishment.

    You did that all on your own.

    You can do it again.

    🙂

    Harry

  • meleah rebeccah

    OKAY….

    I am off to read the DIRECTIONS and START the CHANTIX program….

  • Anonymous

    I would recommend staying away from any posts that look like its an I slipped kind of thing.

    Every once in a while they are numerous and you can begin to feel like, well everyone elsse is slipping and it seems to be okay!!

    Very wrong thinking.

    Just be careful to take what you need from here and leave the rest!

    Qmemeber

  • meleah rebeccah

    THATS SO TRUE… Thats one of the REASONS I think I was able to RATIONALIZE my decison to smoke last night.

    “Other people slip … so can I”

    Thats MESSED UP!!!

  • Anonymous

    Nothing at all is wrong with you. Its the fucking cigarettes.

    You are better than they are.

    I used the 21 mg patch for the first 11 days then went cold turkey.

    I cant tell you how many times I almost smoked and someday in the future when I tell you some of the things I have been experiencing during my quit you will wonder how I didnt too. lol.

    Do whatever you have to to not smoke. I wish I lived close to you I would love to be there for you.

    🙂

    Harry

  • Anonymous

    You aren’t dumb, just addicted. I am proud of you for starting over,hang in there and Post when you need. Quit beating yourself up and stick with us,
    We are here for you.

    qmember

  • Family Guy

    Dont beat yourself up to hard, you came clean, admitted that you slipped and climbed back on that pony, we all know what we are up against and it aint easy… You wont be the first or last to slip, god i have done it so many times, but with the right positive outlook we will all get through this and will be able to get on with our non smoking lifes.

    Keep posting here and at the Q, it turns it into a team game and not one person against the world…

    Regards

  • Anonymous

    Stop beating yourself up. Just get back on the horse and ride again. Maybe your depressed. Why don’t you talk to your doctor about how you feel. Good luck, you will make it, just keep posting.

    qmember

  • Family Guy

    Dont be so hard on yourself, no one said this was going to be easy…

    At least you have been strong,brave and wise enough to come clean and climb back on that pony…

    you know what the right choice to be made is and by the looks of it you have already made it, you go girl, you can do this….

    I posted here earlier, but unfortunately i am new to this blogging stuff, so i dont know if you got it…

    Regards

  • meleah rebeccah

    YES! Family Guy! I did get your COMMENT and support! and I posted a comment on your BLOG

    Its nice to have a fellow qmember and Blogger all in one!!!

  • Anonymous

    Stop feeling guilty! That is the most useless emotion there is! Learn from what happened, and start your quit again. Think of another way to reward yourself rather than a cigarette. Have a bubble bath. Watch a video. Go for a walk. Buy yourself some little thing….maybe flowers!
    Remember, you CAN DO THIS!!

    Qmember

  • Anonymous

    Hey, I have a 10 year daughter who goes to her dad’s part time so I can relate… Yeah that sucks. You start over again as soon as you decide it’s the right time for you. Only you can decide. I quit New Years Day. I was supposed to quit 12/16 then I moved it to 12/26 then I moved it to 12/31. Have you tried Chantix? I’m taking that during the daytime and NRT gum when I drinking if needed at night. I feel pretty good. I miss the Nicotine but Not the Cig/Smoke. So the gum allows me to cheat a little but not have to restart my quit. This time I’m feeling quite sure it’s my final quit. What keeps me going is how much better I feel, breath, smell, etc.. already. I could care less about the $$ saved. I loved smoking! I’m almost 37 and know that is I don’t quit something really bad is going to happen with my health. If I had a cig tonight I’m sure I would feel as bad as you are right now. But you gotta bounce back and just consider a learning experience.. Consider my method ( Chantix) with NRT Gum only when needed. Let me know… And hey, it’s ok. I understand. Smoking was my life since 16 so I know no other. Until Now. Gotta get to know the new me….

    Qmember

  • meleah rebeccah

    See, that’s Just It… I feel like I am FORCING myself… maybe I am NOT READY / WILLING?

    I smoked since I was 11, and now Im 32. I can honestly say for 15 years I smoked TWO PACKS a DAY

    I think I need to consider CUTTING DOWN FIRST? before trying to go all out and QUIT all together?

    I think I am making this HARDER on MYSELF than It has to be?

  • Anonymous

    Quit beating yourself up! Get right back on and get rid of those smokes that you have. Write a list to reward yourself with and use only what is on that list. Your mind isn’t used to not rewarding itself without a cigarette yet. You have to help it along with lists. Lists for rewards, reasons for quitting, things to tell yourself when you are craving, and anything.

    I have restarted my quit more times that I could count!

    Just don’t do it again! (haha)

    Qmail me if you need anything more.

  • Anonymous

    saw that you had a false start on the last quit…I am sure this will go much better! Drop me a line if you need some support or someone to bitch your way through a craving with.

    Qmember

  • meleah rebeccah

    Feeling much better thank you

    Im over the GUILT and into the RESTART

  • Anonymous

    Hey. I’ve done that. Five or six times. It happens. Stop beating yourself up, and start over.

    I am facing the same situation tomorrow, and I’m scared shitless. My kids go back to my ex….it is when I have relapsed every SINGLE time.

    So, just start over. You don’t have to “confess” to anyone. Just forgive yourself and start over. PLedge with me now that neither one of us will smoke tomorrow. I won’t be able to be online at all, busy from dawn to dusk, so I need to pledge now.

    K?

    Don’t waste energy on beating yourself up. Please? You deserve better.

  • Anonymous

    >Meleah,

    Fuck it could happen to anybody. I felt the same way last night. It was Friday Night, what a week it had been, I had reason to celebrate! I probably would have it my real bitchy, snobby daughter ( I love her, but she is Miss Perfect and hates with a passion the smoking and me, when I smoke) had not been home.

    You know what you have to do…

    Much Love sent your way!

  • meleah rebeccah

    THANK YOU

    I am feeling better (over the guilt shit) into the restart.

    I dunno what is it about the FREEDOM from my parental role that makes me act like a teenager myself

  • meleah rebeccah

    I love to make people laugh even if it is at my expense! it makes me laugh at myself… any whoo…
    some bad news, see the blog for the update….

    I will make an announcement on QNET…wonder if people will have me kicked off as a memeber now that ….. well… jst go read the blog and you’ll see why i am worried peeps over here will be ….upset? annoyed? evct…..?

    http://mommamiameaculpa.blogspot.com/

  • Anonymous

    Hello! I know what you are going through-I went through 4 quits this week, so don’t feel bad. It is an extremely hard thing to quit smoking. The important thing is that you keep trying and don’t give in-it is a demon-always nagging-never giving. It helps to tell people what you are going through-especially if they have never smoked. They don’t understand how addictive it is-they think that you should just be able to stop, especially children, who don’t even understand what an addiction is! My oldest is 9, she wants me to quit, and I felt terrible the other night when I told her that I had a cig, but I have to keep trying-you too! We want to see our grandkids right?? Just keep your head up and learn from the experience. Restart your quit-no matter how many times you have to do it-the important part is the end result when you are finally smoke-free!!
    Write me any time-we can support each other!!!

  • Anonymous

    Believe me I won’t lie to you. I take chantix and it is the only thing ever that worked for me. I took anything they had to sell to try and quit and this is the only thing that worked. The only side effect I had was nauseousness. Then I took it with milk or food. Others have had problems sleeping or vivid dreams but I take it in the morning and late afternoon. I don’t take it at bedtime. I still get the urge but not like the patch etc that I gave up so quick. To me it is like a miracle drug. These forums help also. I took it for 2 weeks and smoked because 1 week just didn’t do it for me. I’m almost 2 months. Qmail me any time and good luck.
    Mary Ann

  • Anonymous

    Just start over do it again. That one urge got you. Learn from it. You can do it………………!!!!!!! If I wasn’t married I would come help you. How’s that for a laugh? 🙂 Cheer ya up a lil? For real I have faith in YOU!

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