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Posting from an ungodly hour

pissed the fuck off….and gunna regret this one in the morning.

In the middle of editing, transitioning, choosing photos, hacking videos, running out of computer storage space, cursing the heavens above for not magically providing me a hard drive, thus deleting other precious moments from the ever-so-limited and oh!-so-over-used “disk space” this MAC comes with… and…LACKING TIME I NEED TO DO THE THINGS I WANT… my “creativity” has been shut the fuck down…no, it’s being snuffed out.

While in the middle of perfect lyric to photo, ratio, during the production of the birthday movie dedication to my baby brother Adam…who just turned 30.

I have been shut ! the ! fuck ! down !

My creativity streak has been snuffed out.


Because I have to go to bed.

Because I am a responsible adult, that has a job to go to in the morning.

I don’t want to go to bed.

I’d rather stay with the streak, feeling, passion, creative surge I am experiencing. I know it would lead to some amazing ‘turn of phrase’ if I had that chance.

Alas, instead of writing, I am side tracked, (surprise!) by the need to make the birthday movie dedication to my baby brother Adam…who just turned 30.

This making movies business is hard! As! Hell! (and really really really fun)

I was there for all of his birthdays, when we were little. Until, well, I was elsewhere.

Even when I was in the same state, I missed other birthday’s…well, because I was intoxicated / high out-of-my-skull- begging for crack in the alley-way(s) of shady neighborhoods at age(s) 20 something.

I was the proverbial “white-girl” in a Russian Sable Fur Coat, with smeared mascara and Grey Goose breath…. having no business being in that town…ever.

So…..now that I have busted my ass, proven, driven, worked, prayed, slaved and changed my life, in every way shape or form, consistently, for FIVE YEARS in . a . row. So I could show up for my own life, plus, be a part of my families lives… it’s a blessing I was able to be a part of even seeing my brother, my childhood best friend, turn 30.

I want to make the greatest movie in his honor. I can make the greatest movie in his honor, with the capabilities I have.

BUT……..I can’t with the TIME / LACK of FUNDS $$ I have.

I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong … I could be in a lot tougher places…and I have been.

I’m just having one of those moments. The kind of moment when I wish I wasn’t restricted to time constraints. The kind of moment when I wish money, needing money, having to do great job to earn money, didn’t CRUSH what I want, need, have, to do.

Sorry Internet… I’m full of venom once again, where ? else ? to spew ?

Now…let’s try to fall asleep feeling bitter, resentful and wondering WHY? do I work so hard? When I cant ENJOY or LIVE life?


New post? in the morning? When I spend the next few hours tossing in bed, and rationalizing about the truths of THIS situation….

I was allowed, invited, and welcomed to even GO to his birthday. Things could be worse, way worse. I am lucky to have ANYTHING AT ALL.

If it takes a week, two weeks, three weeks to make the movie, in the perfectionist fashion I do everything anymore…then so be it.

At least I CAN make it. No matter how long it takes.

It is more important to GO TO BED and GO TO WORK and do a GOOD JOB.

After all, THAT is what HOLDS me TOGETHER.

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  • Oh yeah, it’s Mr. Francisco to you

    You’re right,

    Working and enjoying what you do best is holding you together Meleah, its like communication is the glue that holds friendships together right?

    High ^5’s to you Meleah, for attempting to be super human and a YAY!!! for going to bed knowing well you are an “adult” and has a work to go to sometime early morning. You did sound a bit upset when read your blog, however we both know our creative side of our brain works better if its rested right?

    Well it’s 11:34pm and my foot injury is keeping me awake so here I am still online with not a damn thing to do. 🙂

    Thanks Ms. Meleah for a very interesting blog.


  • Drama Div@

    but u still look great anyway

  • meleah rebeccah


    Thank you! I can be pissy as long as I look good …right?

  • meleah rebeccah


    work = crushes my creative soul

    but, pays the bills and makes me feel “good” about myself, when I accomplish what I set out to do.

    Thanks! for my comment!

  • harry

    What holds you together is that fire from deep inside of you and that great lookin kid that needs to be fed and loved!

    Good job!


  • meleah rebeccah




    And TRUE

    Thanks! For keepin it real…


    Wow, what can I say? Ummmm sorry.

    I can save all your stuf stuff to my .mac acount…
    to free up more space
    and then you can clean house.

    We need to share files monkey.
    Or tell me when you-
    -jesus, just tell me when your free and I wil get you the effin Lacie Disk, OK?


  • meleah rebeccah

    Jen… you dont even KNOW!

    I need my own freekin’ HARD DRIVE

    so I have access 24 / 7 to all MY STUFF if I want to change, add, delete, ect ect…

    While the offer to SHARE one is nice, I will share eveything of MINE as YOURS… but…

    I NEED ME A LACIE DISK …..OF MY OWN…as of yesterday…no, as of three months ago.

    I had to delete the JCH SOLO movie…and Ill NEVER get that back… *tear* …just talking about it

    I’m still DELETING ….MORE STUFF (including the MOMMA MIA PROMO) so I can finish the ADAM turns 30 movie….

    FUCK !

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